feeling like crap..
Okay.. so i think i have the 'kissing disease.' Mono. It has not been confirmed, but i feel pretty crappy.. and i am sleeping WAY too much. I feel badly for Tom, who has it worse than i do. Course this means that he will be over it before i will- if i actually have it that is.
I had a blast from the past last night..
I had an old friend (by old i mean no longer friend-havent heard from in a long time) tell me that i wasnt worthy of being friends with. She replaced me in my relationship with my ex best friend. To make a long story short, she explained to me that she loved my ex Best friend Pam with all her heart and her heart broke when she wasnt near her.. I nearly gagged. I told her i felt the same about Tom, and wished that i could see him, eventhough i know he is sick. She told me that her and Pam dont have that kind of relationship- of course everyone who has ever met them thinks they are a little too close for comfort. And it is alright if they have a loving relationship like me and Tom as long as they admit to it. Of course, both ademately insist they are not involved sexually, and that they are interested in men. I have yet to find any evidence of this fact- they have shunned me in the passed for speaking about my ex homosexual boyfriend. (my first boyfriend ever). I just dont think they should be hypocritical- i think they should admit their feelings, and go on with life. And stop looking down on those people who have realized long ago that they might be homosexual, transgendered or heterosexual. The fact that everyone (and i emphasise EVERYONE in this sentence)who has ever met my ex best friend Pam and my replacement Lisa, has asked me if they are lesbians does not effect me what so ever. What bothers me is the fact that they think their relationship is a healthy one. Perhaps i am nieve. They seem to believe that hanging out with the same person everyday for many, many hours is normal. Personally, I need space from people. They're are times when people (in general) drive me insane, and i need some timeout. But that is just me. They have always been clingy people.
Just not with me.
I'm actually a little relieved that i have not had to see the 'closeness' that Lisa holds so dear to her heart.. Gag me with a ladle..
So here is my delema (if it can be called that..
Basically, i am struggling with two sides: one side cannot care less about what anyone says, especially a so-called 'friend' who never calls, writes or cares to see me. She blames me (of course) for the time lapse, and although she is guilty of the same lack of interest in our friendship, she has concluded that it is all my doing, and that I should have found time to contact HER. Because SHE is working and I am mearly going to SFU full-time because that isnt a job. And yes, i know some of you are wondering why i am even bothering to contemplate this. Trust me. I have my reasons..
the other side wants to fix things, and see if she has, in fact, changed. Of course, this is unlikely, seeing as thought this is the first time i have heard from her since she decided i wasnt worthy enough to hang out with 24/7.
I've decided she can bite me. I cant handle the shit anymore. I gave at the office.
She wants to meet with me sometime in the coming weeks. I just think its too convient that she sees me online and decides that i am 'suddenly' worthy of her time. Give me a break! Who does she think she is?!
The whole conversation enraged me. I am mad. I dont like being mad. I havent told anyone but my mother about this. Mainly because all my other friends who know them and have seen their 'adoration' in person have given me their two cents worth. And I have listened, but there is always that "What if?" question floating around in your head.
All I have ever wanted was to have a friend, and be appreaciated and loved as a friend. I need to surround myself with people who actually want to spend time with me. I dont want someone who occasionally decides i am worthy of seeing becuase i might give them a good gift for their birthday.
I am dissapointed with myself for not following my own advice. Here I am advising others to dump those friends who treat them like crap, and i dont have the balls to do the same. What has become of me and my morals?
I need to act fast, take the bull by the horns and face the music.
I had a blast from the past last night..
I had an old friend (by old i mean no longer friend-havent heard from in a long time) tell me that i wasnt worthy of being friends with. She replaced me in my relationship with my ex best friend. To make a long story short, she explained to me that she loved my ex Best friend Pam with all her heart and her heart broke when she wasnt near her.. I nearly gagged. I told her i felt the same about Tom, and wished that i could see him, eventhough i know he is sick. She told me that her and Pam dont have that kind of relationship- of course everyone who has ever met them thinks they are a little too close for comfort. And it is alright if they have a loving relationship like me and Tom as long as they admit to it. Of course, both ademately insist they are not involved sexually, and that they are interested in men. I have yet to find any evidence of this fact- they have shunned me in the passed for speaking about my ex homosexual boyfriend. (my first boyfriend ever). I just dont think they should be hypocritical- i think they should admit their feelings, and go on with life. And stop looking down on those people who have realized long ago that they might be homosexual, transgendered or heterosexual. The fact that everyone (and i emphasise EVERYONE in this sentence)who has ever met my ex best friend Pam and my replacement Lisa, has asked me if they are lesbians does not effect me what so ever. What bothers me is the fact that they think their relationship is a healthy one. Perhaps i am nieve. They seem to believe that hanging out with the same person everyday for many, many hours is normal. Personally, I need space from people. They're are times when people (in general) drive me insane, and i need some timeout. But that is just me. They have always been clingy people.
Just not with me.
I'm actually a little relieved that i have not had to see the 'closeness' that Lisa holds so dear to her heart.. Gag me with a ladle..
So here is my delema (if it can be called that..
Basically, i am struggling with two sides: one side cannot care less about what anyone says, especially a so-called 'friend' who never calls, writes or cares to see me. She blames me (of course) for the time lapse, and although she is guilty of the same lack of interest in our friendship, she has concluded that it is all my doing, and that I should have found time to contact HER. Because SHE is working and I am mearly going to SFU full-time because that isnt a job. And yes, i know some of you are wondering why i am even bothering to contemplate this. Trust me. I have my reasons..
the other side wants to fix things, and see if she has, in fact, changed. Of course, this is unlikely, seeing as thought this is the first time i have heard from her since she decided i wasnt worthy enough to hang out with 24/7.
I've decided she can bite me. I cant handle the shit anymore. I gave at the office.
She wants to meet with me sometime in the coming weeks. I just think its too convient that she sees me online and decides that i am 'suddenly' worthy of her time. Give me a break! Who does she think she is?!
The whole conversation enraged me. I am mad. I dont like being mad. I havent told anyone but my mother about this. Mainly because all my other friends who know them and have seen their 'adoration' in person have given me their two cents worth. And I have listened, but there is always that "What if?" question floating around in your head.
All I have ever wanted was to have a friend, and be appreaciated and loved as a friend. I need to surround myself with people who actually want to spend time with me. I dont want someone who occasionally decides i am worthy of seeing becuase i might give them a good gift for their birthday.
I am dissapointed with myself for not following my own advice. Here I am advising others to dump those friends who treat them like crap, and i dont have the balls to do the same. What has become of me and my morals?
I need to act fast, take the bull by the horns and face the music.