my angel, what will i do without you.
Its weird to walk into somewhere, and have kids in high school sweatshirts kind of pause as they look at you, and then whisper in their friends ear. My immediate reaction is still "Oh my god is my zipper undone? Do i have something on my shirt? Can you see my butt?"
But then I remember, I remember standing up on that stage at the podium, and reading my Eulogy to my 18 year old brother. Barely making it through. Crying in front of 500 people. But staying strong. Keeping my family strong by telling them his strength is with us. People want to know when Im going to break. They watch me closely and push my buttons, waiting for the strong one, the positive one, the one who keeps everyone else's standing, to break. Ive seen and touched his cold dead body. Im not going to break. I've kissed his freezing cold forehead and hugged his lifeless shell. Im not going to break. I've sat on the couch with his ashes, watching TV with his urn next to me. Ive got a million of his sweatshirts that I kept but never wear.
This is what he wanted, so why drive yourself crazy with the why. He's at peace now, and as he told the medium he wants us all to know that he was NOT miserable. He's excited to be out of his body. and He can do more for us there, then he could here.
Still there's nights like tonight, when I wake up missing him so bad, that I wish he'd just walk into my room and come stand at my bed side. Or I long to hear his laugh and see his smile light up his whole face. Or hear him make fun of me for getting good grades, or protect me from a certain boy who he hated.
Hes all around me. I know that. Certain times of the day I can feel him in the sunshine. Everytime I look at a sunset, I have to appriciate its beauty, something you loved and valued.
I see my best friends interact with their siblings, and I want my little one, my baby brother to be goofy with, and drag me to pink berry at 11 pm, and come to pick me up from when I get myself into bad situations. I want to hear the buzz of his subs bump up the hill, and then him walk into the house with a "Helllllooooooooooooooo!?" as if we couldnt hear him coming for the past five minutes. I want his hugs, his love, I want my little brother who always acted like he was my big brother, trying to protect me from everything.
I cant be selfish though, He needed this, it was his choice, he was ready to go. I know that he will always be with me. For the rest of my life, everyday I will think,dream, talk, love and look up to him. My precious little one.
But then I remember, I remember standing up on that stage at the podium, and reading my Eulogy to my 18 year old brother. Barely making it through. Crying in front of 500 people. But staying strong. Keeping my family strong by telling them his strength is with us. People want to know when Im going to break. They watch me closely and push my buttons, waiting for the strong one, the positive one, the one who keeps everyone else's standing, to break. Ive seen and touched his cold dead body. Im not going to break. I've kissed his freezing cold forehead and hugged his lifeless shell. Im not going to break. I've sat on the couch with his ashes, watching TV with his urn next to me. Ive got a million of his sweatshirts that I kept but never wear.
This is what he wanted, so why drive yourself crazy with the why. He's at peace now, and as he told the medium he wants us all to know that he was NOT miserable. He's excited to be out of his body. and He can do more for us there, then he could here.
Still there's nights like tonight, when I wake up missing him so bad, that I wish he'd just walk into my room and come stand at my bed side. Or I long to hear his laugh and see his smile light up his whole face. Or hear him make fun of me for getting good grades, or protect me from a certain boy who he hated.
Hes all around me. I know that. Certain times of the day I can feel him in the sunshine. Everytime I look at a sunset, I have to appriciate its beauty, something you loved and valued.
I see my best friends interact with their siblings, and I want my little one, my baby brother to be goofy with, and drag me to pink berry at 11 pm, and come to pick me up from when I get myself into bad situations. I want to hear the buzz of his subs bump up the hill, and then him walk into the house with a "Helllllooooooooooooooo!?" as if we couldnt hear him coming for the past five minutes. I want his hugs, his love, I want my little brother who always acted like he was my big brother, trying to protect me from everything.
I cant be selfish though, He needed this, it was his choice, he was ready to go. I know that he will always be with me. For the rest of my life, everyday I will think,dream, talk, love and look up to him. My precious little one.