The Letter I Will Never Give Him....
I wrote this for Dustin today, sitting in 1st period after another one of our scenes....I know I'll never give this to him.
Dustin,
How much more pain am I going to be able to take? How much longer will I let you hurt me over and over again? I thought when you walked away from me the last time I had felt as much pain as Id ever have to feel in my life. I was SO WRONG. When I lost you last time I feel like my life started a whirlwind straight downhill. I lost my grandmother, then my dad. God could have never prepared me for that and I could never explain to you or anybody else how much pain seeped through my body that day, that month, even now and how much life has been taken from me. I felt like when I lost my dad I was being punished and I felt like everything was being taken away from me. Then just as quickly and suddenly as you had walked out of my life, you walked back in.... Dustin, you made me SO happy. You treated me so good when you were trying to get me back. Then after you got me and EVERYTHING from me that you could get, it stopped. I guess you didnt mean all those things you said about "I never stopped loving you..", "All I need is one more chance, one more!". IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT! You dont care about me and you want to know how I know? Because actions speak louder than words and the way youre acting makes all those "I love yous" sound like "I cant stand yous". I hate you for making me feel this way, youve made me feel like the ugliest, most stupid girl around. You care about the weed and all of your "we are just friends" females a whole lot more than you care about me. Ive given you everything Dustin, THERES NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE TO YOU. At the time I thought what I did with you was right, even now I dont regret it because I love you! My God I love you!I thought all the things you were saying were true and now I know that only made me out to be a fool. Ive given you something I can never give anyone else and that doesnt mean anything to you does it? I feel like my heart is being ripped out and ran over again and again. I have to compete for your attention, I have to compete with other girls and I lose everytime. I shouldnt have to compete for MY boyfriends attention! I sure as heck shouldnt lose! But I do! Im loosing this fight. You told me this time would be different, better, but its worse and its not my fault. Im tired of beating myself up saying maybe Ive done something wrong because I havent. Ive been pretty good to you and you know it. YOU are wrong Dustin and one day you will look back and see how much I loved you, how good you had it, and how much you fucked things up. How much more Dustin, how much more? Why are you doing this to me? Who would want to hurt someone as much as you are hurting me? Every single ounce of my heart beats for you, why? I dont know. If I could tell myself not to love you I would have done it such a long time ago. I wish it was that easy. Youve always been good at turning your feelings on and off, I just wish youd teach me. Iam yet to understand why God has allowed me to be so in love with you. What purpose does this serve? This time will be better was such a lie. Youve broken my heart more than I knew it was capable of breaking...
Anyhow! Yea! That was pretty long huh? Well Im leaving for Arizona in the morning, I only with Adrianna was going with me..... everyone have a nice week! Bye!!!
Amy
Dustin,
How much more pain am I going to be able to take? How much longer will I let you hurt me over and over again? I thought when you walked away from me the last time I had felt as much pain as Id ever have to feel in my life. I was SO WRONG. When I lost you last time I feel like my life started a whirlwind straight downhill. I lost my grandmother, then my dad. God could have never prepared me for that and I could never explain to you or anybody else how much pain seeped through my body that day, that month, even now and how much life has been taken from me. I felt like when I lost my dad I was being punished and I felt like everything was being taken away from me. Then just as quickly and suddenly as you had walked out of my life, you walked back in.... Dustin, you made me SO happy. You treated me so good when you were trying to get me back. Then after you got me and EVERYTHING from me that you could get, it stopped. I guess you didnt mean all those things you said about "I never stopped loving you..", "All I need is one more chance, one more!". IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT! You dont care about me and you want to know how I know? Because actions speak louder than words and the way youre acting makes all those "I love yous" sound like "I cant stand yous". I hate you for making me feel this way, youve made me feel like the ugliest, most stupid girl around. You care about the weed and all of your "we are just friends" females a whole lot more than you care about me. Ive given you everything Dustin, THERES NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE TO YOU. At the time I thought what I did with you was right, even now I dont regret it because I love you! My God I love you!I thought all the things you were saying were true and now I know that only made me out to be a fool. Ive given you something I can never give anyone else and that doesnt mean anything to you does it? I feel like my heart is being ripped out and ran over again and again. I have to compete for your attention, I have to compete with other girls and I lose everytime. I shouldnt have to compete for MY boyfriends attention! I sure as heck shouldnt lose! But I do! Im loosing this fight. You told me this time would be different, better, but its worse and its not my fault. Im tired of beating myself up saying maybe Ive done something wrong because I havent. Ive been pretty good to you and you know it. YOU are wrong Dustin and one day you will look back and see how much I loved you, how good you had it, and how much you fucked things up. How much more Dustin, how much more? Why are you doing this to me? Who would want to hurt someone as much as you are hurting me? Every single ounce of my heart beats for you, why? I dont know. If I could tell myself not to love you I would have done it such a long time ago. I wish it was that easy. Youve always been good at turning your feelings on and off, I just wish youd teach me. Iam yet to understand why God has allowed me to be so in love with you. What purpose does this serve? This time will be better was such a lie. Youve broken my heart more than I knew it was capable of breaking...
Anyhow! Yea! That was pretty long huh? Well Im leaving for Arizona in the morning, I only with Adrianna was going with me..... everyone have a nice week! Bye!!!
Amy