gah
I'm torn. Oh so confused and overwhelmed and not sure. It's hard. I don't know what I want. I read Tarot cards the other day to try and help sort it all out, but then Danny got here and I got distracted. And then We talked about it for about an hour, sipping coffee in front of the fire at about 3AM, and I had a new option. One that felt right...
So heres the deal. I went to Portland. I fell in love. In love with the city, in love with the feeling of the people, being on my own but surrounded by so many people I want to know. I got things done and managed my money and visited people and I was balanced. And I thought- "I need to live here"
Skip to camp, about 4 camp days later. I talking to Zena, she's pouring gigantic cans of coconut milk into a pot on the stovetop, and I'm talking about Portland. She mentions that Jane and Emmie and She (that grammar sounds wrong. SO can't figure it out. Gah) have been talking about moving to Portland, and something inside me leaps. I couldn't breathe for a moment. Everything inside me told me "This is right." I wanted to, I thought about it for the rest of first session, in between sessions, and all of second session. At intention circle, this big, emotional thing for me- It helps me take control of my life. Makes me think about who I want to be, what I want to do. Pushes me to take big steps in my life- I say that I'm going to move to Portland with Emmie, and Zena, and Jane. And It was true. I saw myself, living like the campers at Winch- I fell in love with that place. I wanted to stay there so bad, to just have that kind of experience with people who I love so much. I wanted it so much.
And I was ready to figure it out. Talk to Momma, talk to everyone, start moving in that direction.
I get home, and I end up really hurting Momma's feelings, saying on the way home from the Airport "how would you feel about me moving to Portland?" And here it gets all confusing. I don't know what happened really. I don't know. I get confused and overwhelmed. I feel frustrated, I can't figure out what I really think anymore. I want to be home sometimes, able to just dance and not worry about paying for things. Able to sit around and read all day if I want to, not have to work or anything like that. But I also just want that adventure. I want the feeling of being independent. I see myself living there, in that city that just makes me feel alive and like I can do anything. The thought of living with these people who mean the world to me makes me SO happy.
And after talking to Momma a lot about things. I reached the decision that I wasn't ready yet. It never quite sat right with me, but it's so easy to ignore that, just get on with my busy schedule and push it to the background without even realizing I'm doing it.
Then about a week ago I got an e-mail from Jane and Emmie saying that they bought an apartment with Travis. saying sorry for not letting me know sooner, but they think that I could fit and move in with them. All of this stuff that I had been forgetting about rushed back, and I really, REALLY, wanted to go. And That was what I was asking about to the Tarot cards a couple days ago. Talking to Danny later that night, she said that maybe I could move in with her and Antoine. And that just sounded great. I always want to be a bigger part of her life. When we're together it's so strange. I feel myself growing, being someone who can deal with things better. We relax and love the same things- talking to her makes me really think about things, makes me take problems into my own hands. And just spending that one night at her house gave me this glimpse into what it would be like living with her. I loved the thought so much. I could get a good bike with a light frame from craig's list, fix it up at Derailer, bike into the city and go to dance, be more motivated to go to Food Not Bombs, have this life that I see in Portland, while still being near my family. So that when I need Momma, when I want to go to services and things like that, I'd be able to. I wouldn't have to worry about rent and I could pay antoine back for things when needed. I would have to wait until after November, because of NaNoWriMo, and then I would have Nutcracker, which would be insane to do while not at home. So I mentioned that option to Momma, and we're going to talk about it more later I guess, but she said that she didn't feel comfortable with me moving out at my age. Which I didn't really remember her saying last time. I thought it was more about being far away than my actual age, and I don't really know what I think. I feel ready, that's for sure.
So yeah. Not really sure what's up right now. I need to talk with Momma soon, but I always feel like I can't articulate anything. And I really need to get off the computer, because this is really long and the boys are getting frustrated.
So heres the deal. I went to Portland. I fell in love. In love with the city, in love with the feeling of the people, being on my own but surrounded by so many people I want to know. I got things done and managed my money and visited people and I was balanced. And I thought- "I need to live here"
Skip to camp, about 4 camp days later. I talking to Zena, she's pouring gigantic cans of coconut milk into a pot on the stovetop, and I'm talking about Portland. She mentions that Jane and Emmie and She (that grammar sounds wrong. SO can't figure it out. Gah) have been talking about moving to Portland, and something inside me leaps. I couldn't breathe for a moment. Everything inside me told me "This is right." I wanted to, I thought about it for the rest of first session, in between sessions, and all of second session. At intention circle, this big, emotional thing for me- It helps me take control of my life. Makes me think about who I want to be, what I want to do. Pushes me to take big steps in my life- I say that I'm going to move to Portland with Emmie, and Zena, and Jane. And It was true. I saw myself, living like the campers at Winch- I fell in love with that place. I wanted to stay there so bad, to just have that kind of experience with people who I love so much. I wanted it so much.
And I was ready to figure it out. Talk to Momma, talk to everyone, start moving in that direction.
I get home, and I end up really hurting Momma's feelings, saying on the way home from the Airport "how would you feel about me moving to Portland?" And here it gets all confusing. I don't know what happened really. I don't know. I get confused and overwhelmed. I feel frustrated, I can't figure out what I really think anymore. I want to be home sometimes, able to just dance and not worry about paying for things. Able to sit around and read all day if I want to, not have to work or anything like that. But I also just want that adventure. I want the feeling of being independent. I see myself living there, in that city that just makes me feel alive and like I can do anything. The thought of living with these people who mean the world to me makes me SO happy.
And after talking to Momma a lot about things. I reached the decision that I wasn't ready yet. It never quite sat right with me, but it's so easy to ignore that, just get on with my busy schedule and push it to the background without even realizing I'm doing it.
Then about a week ago I got an e-mail from Jane and Emmie saying that they bought an apartment with Travis. saying sorry for not letting me know sooner, but they think that I could fit and move in with them. All of this stuff that I had been forgetting about rushed back, and I really, REALLY, wanted to go. And That was what I was asking about to the Tarot cards a couple days ago. Talking to Danny later that night, she said that maybe I could move in with her and Antoine. And that just sounded great. I always want to be a bigger part of her life. When we're together it's so strange. I feel myself growing, being someone who can deal with things better. We relax and love the same things- talking to her makes me really think about things, makes me take problems into my own hands. And just spending that one night at her house gave me this glimpse into what it would be like living with her. I loved the thought so much. I could get a good bike with a light frame from craig's list, fix it up at Derailer, bike into the city and go to dance, be more motivated to go to Food Not Bombs, have this life that I see in Portland, while still being near my family. So that when I need Momma, when I want to go to services and things like that, I'd be able to. I wouldn't have to worry about rent and I could pay antoine back for things when needed. I would have to wait until after November, because of NaNoWriMo, and then I would have Nutcracker, which would be insane to do while not at home. So I mentioned that option to Momma, and we're going to talk about it more later I guess, but she said that she didn't feel comfortable with me moving out at my age. Which I didn't really remember her saying last time. I thought it was more about being far away than my actual age, and I don't really know what I think. I feel ready, that's for sure.
So yeah. Not really sure what's up right now. I need to talk with Momma soon, but I always feel like I can't articulate anything. And I really need to get off the computer, because this is really long and the boys are getting frustrated.