(no subject)
You're probably wondering or not wondering about what the hell is going on in my life. I am wondering and not wondering the same thing. I feel like ever since I came back for winter term, I've dropped off the face of the earth, san diego-wise. I rarely call people, and when I do, it's just to remind them i still care. I don't want people to forget that.
I'm not sure what I care about lately though. To be honest, it mostly concerns myself. I am constantly wondering if what I am doing is right for me, which is strange for me. I used to be constantly concerned with others. Is this a good or bad thing? Maybe just a Toni thing, which i'm cool with.
I am getting closer and closer to that treasure-chest of discovering a right major, but i'm in absolutely no rush to declare one any time soon. This term is already half over and I feel like i'm still in the first week, getting adjusted to my new classes. That's not such a good thing, but at the same time, it's helping me stay free. I've been struggling with the whole idea of being grounded. That used to be all I wanted. I wanted comfort and security and consistancy. I don't know why it changed. It seems my values are the same. Eventually, that's what I want. Right now, it seems, all I want is to run, and keep running, or, better yet, fly.
When I was on the plane back to school from NY the other day, I heard the shins on the in-flight radio and they were doing an in-studio playing thingy. As I turned the volume up, happily, I leaned close to the cold window to stare down at the faint lights of some small city in the night, I realized how much I love flying. It makes me feel closer to myself, which I need.
I spent this last weekend with my sister and kevin in their world of fast-paced, crazy city life. It was amazing seeing some place i've always dreamed of seeing, but more amazing just getting quality time with her i haven't gotten in awhile. My sister is my best friend in the world. Period. It's small things like that you realize during a cold wet winter when you're at the start of growing up. I also am realizing more and more that I have such a good "family" here in oregon. Liz and Jericha and Harrison and Lee and Jay. It's these people that drive me the grocery store at 11 at night because i desperately am craving juice boxes, but in reality, it's the warm car ride there through the icey rain with some song we all know playing that i crave. It's these people who have told me 5 times today how much they missed me this weekend.
And despite the rare phone calls and the rare updates and how much I am distancing myself, i hope we are still close. Because I don't care when the last time I talked to you was or the last thing we did together or the last word i said to you, I am saying with my big heart, in total honesty, that I love you. I hope that I haven't become too transparent to you.
I still feel like things aren't all that great here, but I have a big smile and a warm feeling(perhaps it has something to do with the song "Stand By Me" and the memory of singing it loudly in a restaurant). And despite thing silly "i only care about myself" phase i have been describing to you, i want, more than anything, for everyone to have a beautiful week. I want you for everyone to be happy, even if it's hidden under scarves and hats and coats and complete craziness.
I'm not sure what I care about lately though. To be honest, it mostly concerns myself. I am constantly wondering if what I am doing is right for me, which is strange for me. I used to be constantly concerned with others. Is this a good or bad thing? Maybe just a Toni thing, which i'm cool with.
I am getting closer and closer to that treasure-chest of discovering a right major, but i'm in absolutely no rush to declare one any time soon. This term is already half over and I feel like i'm still in the first week, getting adjusted to my new classes. That's not such a good thing, but at the same time, it's helping me stay free. I've been struggling with the whole idea of being grounded. That used to be all I wanted. I wanted comfort and security and consistancy. I don't know why it changed. It seems my values are the same. Eventually, that's what I want. Right now, it seems, all I want is to run, and keep running, or, better yet, fly.
When I was on the plane back to school from NY the other day, I heard the shins on the in-flight radio and they were doing an in-studio playing thingy. As I turned the volume up, happily, I leaned close to the cold window to stare down at the faint lights of some small city in the night, I realized how much I love flying. It makes me feel closer to myself, which I need.
I spent this last weekend with my sister and kevin in their world of fast-paced, crazy city life. It was amazing seeing some place i've always dreamed of seeing, but more amazing just getting quality time with her i haven't gotten in awhile. My sister is my best friend in the world. Period. It's small things like that you realize during a cold wet winter when you're at the start of growing up. I also am realizing more and more that I have such a good "family" here in oregon. Liz and Jericha and Harrison and Lee and Jay. It's these people that drive me the grocery store at 11 at night because i desperately am craving juice boxes, but in reality, it's the warm car ride there through the icey rain with some song we all know playing that i crave. It's these people who have told me 5 times today how much they missed me this weekend.
And despite the rare phone calls and the rare updates and how much I am distancing myself, i hope we are still close. Because I don't care when the last time I talked to you was or the last thing we did together or the last word i said to you, I am saying with my big heart, in total honesty, that I love you. I hope that I haven't become too transparent to you.
I still feel like things aren't all that great here, but I have a big smile and a warm feeling(perhaps it has something to do with the song "Stand By Me" and the memory of singing it loudly in a restaurant). And despite thing silly "i only care about myself" phase i have been describing to you, i want, more than anything, for everyone to have a beautiful week. I want you for everyone to be happy, even if it's hidden under scarves and hats and coats and complete craziness.