part two
i grieved over Cornelius the next day (tuesday). Mandee got my shift covered (she's amazing) so i didn't work. i woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. and when that happens, it means i think. you want to know the first thing that popped into my head?
is this how God feels when I sin?
what the fuck emma? when did you start thinking like this?
and then my dumb ass went and asked Tabi to baptize me, thinking that maybe this would get me to keep my promises, to change, to truly love God. four hours after I'd invited some friends to my baptism, Tabi and I met. what i though was a conversation on where we'd have it that night was really a conversation on me not being ready to get baptized.
(people got baptized left and right in the bible)
i understand what she was saying though. for me personally it wasn't the right move. Tabi actually knows me pretty well. it still makes me mad. and then i get mad at myself for being mad. i'm supposed to be happy! i HAVE been happy!
that was happy, right?
so my hamster's dead and i'm not baptized yet, and that little bit of satan keeps saying i'm not good enough. it's not true, duh. "jesus loved me this i know for the bible tells me so". it just hurts worse than i wanted it to.
i thought about Tabi's offer: to do some intense studies and then, by sunday, be baptized. i didn't want to, but i thought about doing it, shoving it in their faces that nothing can get me down. but it would be out of spite, not out of love for God.
and if i don't do that i feel like i am not good enough. i'm giving up on God here. once you've known something good you wont forget.
i went to bible study tonight and i felt hollow the second i walked into peet's coffee to meet Tabi and Katarina beforehand. there's no way to explain the feeling save for hollow. like my heart's been removed, like it's being hidden when i'm with them. i felt out of place the entire night. except for anthony. he turned to me and said "have you ever felt out of place?"
it was the first time tonight my smile wasn't forced. first true smile in a week.
so...happy thoughts, happy thoughts. we have a christmas tree!!! it's about my height, maybe shorter, and wide. we also got some ornaments and an earthy star.
my first apartment and my first tree!
sorry i'm so depressing. you're all doing so well and i am really, truly happy and excited for you :D i love my friends.
have you ever felt like you're really dumb and everyone around you is humoring you, but very genuinely trying to make you happy?
no reason.
is this how God feels when I sin?
what the fuck emma? when did you start thinking like this?
and then my dumb ass went and asked Tabi to baptize me, thinking that maybe this would get me to keep my promises, to change, to truly love God. four hours after I'd invited some friends to my baptism, Tabi and I met. what i though was a conversation on where we'd have it that night was really a conversation on me not being ready to get baptized.
(people got baptized left and right in the bible)
i understand what she was saying though. for me personally it wasn't the right move. Tabi actually knows me pretty well. it still makes me mad. and then i get mad at myself for being mad. i'm supposed to be happy! i HAVE been happy!
that was happy, right?
so my hamster's dead and i'm not baptized yet, and that little bit of satan keeps saying i'm not good enough. it's not true, duh. "jesus loved me this i know for the bible tells me so". it just hurts worse than i wanted it to.
i thought about Tabi's offer: to do some intense studies and then, by sunday, be baptized. i didn't want to, but i thought about doing it, shoving it in their faces that nothing can get me down. but it would be out of spite, not out of love for God.
and if i don't do that i feel like i am not good enough. i'm giving up on God here. once you've known something good you wont forget.
i went to bible study tonight and i felt hollow the second i walked into peet's coffee to meet Tabi and Katarina beforehand. there's no way to explain the feeling save for hollow. like my heart's been removed, like it's being hidden when i'm with them. i felt out of place the entire night. except for anthony. he turned to me and said "have you ever felt out of place?"
it was the first time tonight my smile wasn't forced. first true smile in a week.
so...happy thoughts, happy thoughts. we have a christmas tree!!! it's about my height, maybe shorter, and wide. we also got some ornaments and an earthy star.
my first apartment and my first tree!
sorry i'm so depressing. you're all doing so well and i am really, truly happy and excited for you :D i love my friends.
have you ever felt like you're really dumb and everyone around you is humoring you, but very genuinely trying to make you happy?
no reason.