Winter in my heart
I guess it's time to update andI haven't had the heart to lately I'll tell you that. Life is well life. I'm so up and down. I'll be joyful and peaceful and boom! back to being depressed and angry. I tell you I have been cutting myself off from people in general and I really haven't meant to (sorry Lindsey!) I'm just so overwhelmed with emotions. I've become cynical about life and very disappointed. People who I thought were my friends proved otherwise and I have to say it hurts. It feels as though someone has plunged a knife into my chest and twisted the blade. It seems people only want something from me. For instance when I arrived on Long Island I was invited by my former youth leader mike to go to Harvest in the city. Well I'm kinda guarded now with him and his wife. When I first moved upstate and visited them they were great (let me stay at their house and eat and everything lol) but sometime after Christmas of last year they didn't return my calls until like a month or two later. Anyway so that's why i wasn't overly friendly with them in the city. Well Mike turns to ask me on the train "I need some help with the youth center so if you wanted to be a youth leader you can but first pray about it" well I offered to be a youth leader a year or so ago and he gave me a lame excuse saying I probably wouldn't be that effective because I wasn't that much older than anybody...anyways...then my friend john goes "oh liz we are having teen discipleship at Mike and Lilli's you should come!" I was like "that would be cool" and then mike goes "we didn't invite her john" ...You ask me to help you out and then you say something like that well buddy, fuck you. I'm good enough for service but not for friendship and that's how i feel lately. Someone always wants something from me and never just wanting me for me. It hurts so much. My step father all he did was complain about me so right there I wasn't good enough. My brother anthony needs me to babysit (although he needs company too so i don't mind) but it's just the point of things. I'm needed for this needed for that and I wish someone would say liz just hang with me and don't do a thing and just love me for who i am and not for what i do.
My aunt tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded but my mother and I got there in time. More trauma. My step father being an asshole. More trauma. OH YEA I FORGOT. My brother is having another baby...with a different woman woohoo. It's a boy and the due date is January. I have extremeley mixed feelings about this. I'm always happy about babies but my brother can't even afford to take care of himself...My mom is depressed about her marriage. Life just about sux. I am not in the Christmas Spirit at all this year. I need a personal miracle of my own. I feel so vulnerable, messed up and full of anger and hatred. Not the usual ingredients for Christmas.
My aunt tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded but my mother and I got there in time. More trauma. My step father being an asshole. More trauma. OH YEA I FORGOT. My brother is having another baby...with a different woman woohoo. It's a boy and the due date is January. I have extremeley mixed feelings about this. I'm always happy about babies but my brother can't even afford to take care of himself...My mom is depressed about her marriage. Life just about sux. I am not in the Christmas Spirit at all this year. I need a personal miracle of my own. I feel so vulnerable, messed up and full of anger and hatred. Not the usual ingredients for Christmas.