By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because things have been going so well. But I'm sorry - I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm beyond that. You like watching TV, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy televised sports, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Greenish blue-brown". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be friends. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't despair like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Dear Thimble Dick,
By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because things have been going so well. But I'm sorry - I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm beyond that. You like watching TV, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy televised sports, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Greenish blue-brown". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be friends. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't despair like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Eat Shit,
Kelli Garner
P.S. It’s barely 4 inches - much less six.
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