4 Reasons I’m Glad Not To Be John Crichton
Hey, every guy wants to be the all-action hero in the Sci Fi show, right? That’s the whole point: Guys want to be you, hot alien chicks want to (insert something or other here, depending on your kink) with you? "Actually, no," as Aeryn once memorably said to Jack.
Reason One: Aeryn scares the dren out of me.
Outside of the show, tall, assured women with long, dark hair are totally my type. I’m a fully paid-up, Vorlag-minded worshipper of OBRHG. It thus follows that I think she’s the hottest woman either on or off the screen: She’s living proof that guys can find a woman off-the-scale sexy without any of the baser clichés you see in some other shows (yes, BSG, I’m looking at you) or places. However, she’s also really scary, and not just in a ‘which outfit do you prefer/does this look good on me?’ normal, human scary way. See the pictures. Remember what she did to Crais and Stark? There's no way I'm going to want to tell her that those shoes dont go with that outfit. Need I say more?
Reason Two: Icky critters give me a woody….
Have a look at the picture and then tell me if you still dont know what I mean.
So who wants to have some giant weevil tickling their spleen or cleaning their teeth? Not me, no way Jose, as John might say. I would have a real problem almost from the get-go, what with dentics, the Draks, the stomach-bug-thing on Sykar. And that’s all just in season one. Also, critters with exoskeletons FREAK ME OUT! So, you can see that being friends/shipmates with a ten foot high lobster like Pilot would be somewhat problematic for me, can’t you? Can you imagine the total lack of respect the rest of the crew would have for me after all the inevitable wibble-sessions? To say nothing of totally ruining my chances with The Most Gorgeous Prowler Pilot In This Or Any Other Galaxy. Total no-brainer. Enough said. I can’t even bear to think about it any longer.
Reason Three: The food sucks. I mean really,really sucks.
I’ve been the honoured guest in many places around the world and I know what it’s like to have to eat weird stuff, but at least I’ve always been able to go home a few days later and have some familiar comfort food. You know, pizza, burgers, chips and egg (if Shirley Valentine means anything to you). The most normal thing poor John seems to have eaten in his whole time out in the Uncharted Territories was the Keedva barbecue. Many years ago I ate barbecued dog, which is probably a bit Keedva-like, and I can honestly say that the only thing good about the experience was that it allowed me to brag about it to my cat.
Reason Four: I wouldn’t know where was not safe to look half the time.
Zhaan is hot. Chiana is hot. Hassan is hot. Jool is hot. Sikozu is hot. Hell, even Grayza and Akhna are hot. The list just goes on and on and on..... The UT’s are absolutely crawling with hot women. And a lot of them seem to go around half dressed. Some guys might think this would be desirable, but I see it as being downright dangerous. Apart from the risk of offending someone, actually anyone and everyone. John is, after all, trying to pair up with Aeryn. OK, so Aeryn let John off with regards both to Gilina and Jena, but that was because she and him weren’t yet an item. I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t be able to keep from staring, drooling etc and that would likely lead to pain. My pain, and lots of it. Which brings us back to Reason One.
So, have I impressed you with my all-round manliness in the face of adversity?
No?
Quelle surprise! ;-)
Reason One: Aeryn scares the dren out of me.
Outside of the show, tall, assured women with long, dark hair are totally my type. I’m a fully paid-up, Vorlag-minded worshipper of OBRHG. It thus follows that I think she’s the hottest woman either on or off the screen: She’s living proof that guys can find a woman off-the-scale sexy without any of the baser clichés you see in some other shows (yes, BSG, I’m looking at you) or places. However, she’s also really scary, and not just in a ‘which outfit do you prefer/does this look good on me?’ normal, human scary way. See the pictures. Remember what she did to Crais and Stark? There's no way I'm going to want to tell her that those shoes dont go with that outfit. Need I say more?
Reason Two: Icky critters give me a woody….
Have a look at the picture and then tell me if you still dont know what I mean.
So who wants to have some giant weevil tickling their spleen or cleaning their teeth? Not me, no way Jose, as John might say. I would have a real problem almost from the get-go, what with dentics, the Draks, the stomach-bug-thing on Sykar. And that’s all just in season one. Also, critters with exoskeletons FREAK ME OUT! So, you can see that being friends/shipmates with a ten foot high lobster like Pilot would be somewhat problematic for me, can’t you? Can you imagine the total lack of respect the rest of the crew would have for me after all the inevitable wibble-sessions? To say nothing of totally ruining my chances with The Most Gorgeous Prowler Pilot In This Or Any Other Galaxy. Total no-brainer. Enough said. I can’t even bear to think about it any longer.
Reason Three: The food sucks. I mean really,really sucks.
I’ve been the honoured guest in many places around the world and I know what it’s like to have to eat weird stuff, but at least I’ve always been able to go home a few days later and have some familiar comfort food. You know, pizza, burgers, chips and egg (if Shirley Valentine means anything to you). The most normal thing poor John seems to have eaten in his whole time out in the Uncharted Territories was the Keedva barbecue. Many years ago I ate barbecued dog, which is probably a bit Keedva-like, and I can honestly say that the only thing good about the experience was that it allowed me to brag about it to my cat.
Reason Four: I wouldn’t know where was not safe to look half the time.
Zhaan is hot. Chiana is hot. Hassan is hot. Jool is hot. Sikozu is hot. Hell, even Grayza and Akhna are hot. The list just goes on and on and on..... The UT’s are absolutely crawling with hot women. And a lot of them seem to go around half dressed. Some guys might think this would be desirable, but I see it as being downright dangerous. Apart from the risk of offending someone, actually anyone and everyone. John is, after all, trying to pair up with Aeryn. OK, so Aeryn let John off with regards both to Gilina and Jena, but that was because she and him weren’t yet an item. I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t be able to keep from staring, drooling etc and that would likely lead to pain. My pain, and lots of it. Which brings us back to Reason One.
So, have I impressed you with my all-round manliness in the face of adversity?
No?
Quelle surprise! ;-)