Nightshift 51: M51-M60 Hallway

[zack_fair]

[M57 and the hallway.]The head doctor's mention of sleep studies just got under Zack's skin, but he knew that he couldn't spread himself too thin. It was impossible to be in more than one place at once, obviously, and he'd already dedicated himself to going to the basement. There would be other patients who had decided to help those poor people

Comments

M58

[purpletaint]

Silence speaks in ways unseen. And so the time passed with murmurings and mutterings of the sort, wishing still for silence, for guesses. Except untrue! Wasn't it?! He knew perfectly well. Perfectly well. Perfectly well. That Nigredo wanted his own death. Didn't want to stay with him. Albedo knew well that a sibling wished to slip from his grasp faster and faster than time was already taking. Faster than chance would see fit. Old age and accidents were not what Nigredo wanted. Nigredo wished to die--

And as many times, in as many languages, that Albedo said it, it never made it okay.

When the other body in the room saw fit to leave, the murmurings halted. To be replaced by a keening wail that Albedo himself was only half aware of. Worse. It was worse. So perfectly worse than a twin's brief comfort. Than sobbing in the baby's arms. Than mumbling incoherencies to a stranger. It was worse to be alone like this. To be alone like this.

To be alone.

His eyes shot open in the darkened room; he curled on his side, arms wrapped around the sides of his head. He was alone. Completely alone. Wasn't he? Wasn't he? Both brothers would die, both brothers had left him, Rubedo was gone, and Nigredo rejected him. Turned against him.

Was he so wrong?! Was he so detestable that they hated him that much?! What was wrong with him?! Why did they hate him?! What did he do wrong? What was... so wrong about him? What was so bad? If he knew, he wouldn't do it again. He wouldn't do it.

He's sorry. So sorry. Don't leave. Don't leave him all alone.

The words turned repetitive, forcing from his mind into an indiscernible drone pouring from his mouth. It was a constant; eyes widened to reveal a blank gaze, moisture a constant trickle downward. Pain wracked his body, causing series of shudders to contort his frame every few minutes. Words continued, an allowance much like a mantra. If he only focused on the words, the details would slip away. The pain in his chest. The lack of a heartbeat. Rubedo's hate-filled words, the look of pure despise as he shot at him. Nigredo flinching at Albedo's touch, his admission of want. Something in him was perfectly thankful he had refused all food today. His stomach cramped violently and he leaned slightly over the bed to allow a trail of bile from his body. Rolling back, he started to cry harder. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want them to hate him.

"...sorry. Don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't leave me all alone."

Re: M58

[falseblack]

[From here.]

By now, he would admit his current actions were folly. It was a siren's call he never meant to heed, and for all his indifference and dwindling care, it would be a brother's cry that would reach Nigredo. Tears were a weakness; it was a case as old as the youngest himself. Even when nothing remained as his reward, when separation was his only wish, he had to reach.

There existed no other choice. Rubedo was gone. The responsibility fell on the remaining brother. Even if, even if--

Vaguely, Nigredo mused on the source. Wondered if it was possible that Albedo was upset at his earlier words. But that could never be the case. Of course, the elder wanted him gone. Proclaimed it as much in the week before: Nigredo had taken everything. The revelation was a cause for rejoicing, a justification turning right. Nothing in Albedo would mourn the confession. Nigredo should look elsewhere, shouldn't he? An empirical source, something with backing.

His brother hated their chemicals so this could only be a body rejecting the effects. Therefore, he should stay and wait until the moment passed. Until Albedo could be himself again.

The prospect was harder than initially assessed, particularly with their previous interaction in mind. His brother would likely turn him away, which he supposed was deserved. As long as the attempt was made, Nigredo could garner a resolution of sorts. A final gesture.

Propriety would normally have him knocking. Tonight, it was gone, replaced by a need to intrude. The youngest simply pressed his ear to the door and waited for a long minute before moving his hand to the knob. He entered without so much as saying a word, walking to stand at the foot of Albedo's bed. The hunched form was observed under an unfathomable gaze: the boy didn't have a reason to speak. Nor address the words spilling from his brother's lips.

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

Lingering scraps of faltering reason would have him noting, from a small place in his mind, something familiar treading close. It begged familiar, like a night since past, of his own feet being led towards something he wouldn't have guessed. Someone. Of a crippling need and a hope draining away. If only. If only that remained. Draining? Gone. Gone and passed, like a dream from a time since passed.

Words trailed to a murmur, a mumble; syllables losing elasticity and becoming nothing but a dull whine punctuated by ragged gasps of air. A hand slid from his head to hit the mattress loosely, fingers wrapping around sheet on instinct. Clutching. Clinging. Don't leave.

This is when clouded eyes caught black and green in sight. Did not question the sight or presence. Or his sibling's reticence. It was simply as it was, and for once Albedo took it merely at that and nothing more. Yes--that was taken, to speak true, but not allowed. Not the distance. No. Giving in to more animal instincts, speed allowed him to move towards a need--arms reached to clutch a familiar body. Balance, however, would falter; the pair slipping back down towards the mattress.

Re: M58

[falseblack]

He remained still and allowed the seconds to pass, to spill into minutes as breaks in his brother traversed deeper. The spoken words soon dulled to senseless noise, and Nigredo wondered why he couldn't bring himself to sympathy. Albedo was crying. If he was more or less than what he was now, Nigredo would only feel displeasure at the act. He would have attempted to calm the other through patience and quiet behavior, despite wanting to tear at the insides of his ears to stop the sound. But here, there was nothing. Only a persistent inertia. The youngest playing the part of invisible witness, like his presence did not matter.

When violet eyes caught his visage, however, the child flinched. He would have (despite the early need for obligations) stumbled back to escape if his brother hadn't reached over to grab him. If they hadn't fallen into the bed. Nigredo briefly feared the middle variant's wrath at the intrusion and stiffened at the touch, but where he expected violence, none came. Nothing rose to admonish him--not yet, anyway.

Again, Nigredo did not move. Instead, his thoughts converged to a single name, then passed itself along the link. {Albedo...}

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

Gradually something might have remained to coalesce into imperfect pieces mimicking a young entity's apparent madness. Something shifting in waves to settles in pieces ill-fitting but calmed all the same. Yes, maybe. That might have been the case. If not for a link sliding clear so casually, his name spoken like--

His name spoken.

That same voice had confessed what the middle Variant already knew. That voice had brought into being a fear, and why, why now, why when Rubedo was gone, why was he gone, why didn't he love him, why did Nigredo want to leave him, why--

His arms slacked uncharacteristically; he unintentionally cried harder. "Why?" The word hurt. His throat ached. "Why do you want to leave me, too?"

Albedo lifted pained eyes to his brother's face, expression contorted by pain. "What did I do wrong? I don't want you to die."

Re: M58

[falseblack]

So he remembered. Nigredo stood corrected on his assumptions. The child was also amazed: a pattern of simplistic questions shouldn't feel so weighted, despite the stifling element that made their relationship. He could keep quiet and ignore conversation for peace-- It would take no effort with Nigredo's preference for silence. Separation was habit; pulling away from Albedo was preferred.

Then, at least. Not now. The callousness that had formed beneath everything else shifted his mindset. Though he wouldn't extend a hand across the forming rift, Nigredo opted against brushing the points aside. He did not care, and this demanded truth. The only thing left was to tell Albedo why.

The youngest watched his brother, observing the emotion held in his eyes. Wordlessly, he pulled away to sit upright, though his good hand remained touching. Nothing was said for a long minute.

He finally exhaled. {You should.} Eyelids dropped to halfway, resignation in the act. {I was born to take away someone you love. You should want me to die.} And he had, hadn't he? Regardless of present answers, Albedo had expressed a desire for Nigredo to disappear on more than one occasion. How could he ignore that for this? It wasn't trustworthy.

It also wasn't what Albedo really wanted. What, then, did he want? Nigredo would supply the answer. {Then you wouldn't have to worry about Rubedo anymore.}

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

To words ill-suited for the situation, Albedo responded with his own. Words too clear to remain unsaid, words too shattering to be anything but truth. "I don't have to worry about him." This, more than Red Dragon and Executioner, more than U-DO, remained solid. "He isn't here anymore."

Not at the institute, and before then, Rubedo was not there. His twin had already fully pulled away, had already began to walk in Klavier's footsteps to condemn a brother to his own demise, or worse--to speed it along by his own hand. "Rubedo hates me." A truth to himself as much as Nigredo. His own twin despised him. And how long had that been? Had Rubedo secretly hated him for a long, long time?

His mind couldn't hold that. It slipped away, and with it, the emotion in his eyes. His head fell back against the pillow, a hand searching for the one of Nigredo's touching him and clutching it blindly. "I don't want you to die. I don't want you to die. You can't die. You can't leave. I don't want you to die, Nigredo." Desperation made him move in a way unwanted. {I don't want you to die!}

Re: M58

[falseblack]

Nigredo couldn't say. Whether Rubedo despised his twin or felt the opposite remained unseen. He could never claim what lay in another's mind, even with the presence of the link. Before here, before the Conflict, before he learned to doubt the judgment of his eldest brother, perhaps Nigredo would have provided evidence to a conclusion. Here, he only had a counterpoint to press.

{But you love Rubedo.} Otherwise, Albedo would never cry. Otherwise, being alone would not affect him so entirely. It was not a general loneliness that Nigredo occasionally suffered, an insufficiency never quite being fulfilled. It was a loss, pure and complete. And here was the reminder that the youngest was only an inadequate substitute, someone to stay as a mismatched piece while the other was gone. Until the other returned.

Suddenly, however, Nigredo was no longer confident in that viewpoint. The repeated phrase had its intended effects: there existed a desperation in his brother's tone that seemed ingrained, almost like it had been believed for some time. Believed and held to. Green eyes fell to the hand wrapped around his own. {Why?} he questioned, curiosity and hurt lingering in the thoughts. {Why would you ever want something like me to exist?}

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

It was almost funny, from an outsider's view. How a simple string of words placed together could make something move in his chest; constrict in a way not unlike the way a body does as death begins to settle. It was perhaps the simplicity that caused that; the apparent beauty in the most basic of human responses--the feeling of love, and of that, the feeling of loss. Oh, that of loss. Here, again, was the reaction. The distinct quality of forgetting how to breathe.

In that absence of life and reason, Albedo had no response to give. No answer known to himself to give to Nigredo. Would he give what lacked? What fell in pieces in despair? Wasn't all of that too apparent?

And still, his brother would ask him why. Wonder at him the want for his own existence. And the answer Albedo could provide. Much and many, and panic tore at him for the correct one, to cancel out the words used. But he remained only to fall short. To, as well, stare at hands adjoined as if they belonged to neither. "Why would you ever want something like me to exist?" he echoed. "That's more appropriate for me to say. Right?" And in his tone there existed a quality nearly as clear as a link's truth. More appropriate because Albedo was wrong, Albedo wasn't supposed to be, and Nigredo was the one who belonged. Wasn't that right?

Re: M58

[falseblack]

No answer was given to the first statement. For good reasons, Nigredo concluded. Perhaps points could converge to a single train of thought, but it wasn't really his place to know. Instead, the child settled on the subsequent response, an echo offered in a misunderstood context. He knew the middle variant came into existence as a simple miscalculation; that, if not for that change, their lackluster trio would have been reduced to a pair. Albedo's words could only be in reference to that detail.

But that was not what Nigredo had meant. Being drugged and potentially off-kilter could do things to one's perspective, but this involved only clarity. Albedo had to be corrected.

His eyes moved from the hands to the wall, curiosity dying in favor of hurt. The quiet sort that often came with disagreements, a feature the boy wouldn't have shown in most other contexts. {To me, you and Rubedo existed first,} he sent. {I intruded because of Father. To you, I should be a threat.} As he had the right. {I never should have been born. What everyone else believes doesn't matter.}

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

The words could exist by themselves as opinion and theory. But they existed to Albedo as hateful, and currently at the moment, severely unwanted. He squeezed his brother's hand to get his attention, shaking it lightly once. "You're my brother. Nothing changes that."

It was such a simple thing. Such a perfect truth. Because it was. When it came down to it, that held when nothing else did not. They were brothers. They were blood. This remained simple. This remained fact. "If you shouldn't have been born... Me, too. I shouldn't have been born either, right? Neither of us...."

The thought trailed, words becoming useless. Albedo was exhausted from the past days, more from the past hour of tears, and he was tired of Nigredo's want. Of his repetitive desire that made no sense. Albedo shifted, to curl on his side around his brother's back. "You say what you want doesn't matter... But what about what I want? I want you to stay with me." He pressed his face into Nigredo, despite any negative reaction the other might have. {You're my brother,} came the quiet sending. {I don't want you to leave me.}

Re: M58

[falseblack]

Implausible, that notion. They should be brothers in every sense of the word, and although Nigredo recalled a similar phrase the week before, he had abandoned all sentimental aspects. They were brothers, but sometimes, Albedo and Nigredo acted nothing close to what the latter had known of kin. Especially now, when everything had changed.

His line of sight returned to Albedo, disbelief joining the pain. "I'm your brother," he echoed, "but it remains. I almost killed you. I might do the same with Rubedo." His head shook, dispersing the prospects. "Those facts should override our relationship. Are you saying you don't care anymore? You don't care if I'm--" He trailed off, swallowing thickly in the attempt. Albedo remained too close in touching, but nothing in him could bring himself to push the elder away. "If I'm Rubedo's death sentence?"

Rubedo had claimed no different--with another phrasing but the meaning was clear. Still, the eldest had done little to support his claim. And Albedo could be the same. Wouldn't the rejection be complete, then? Something in Nigredo hardened at the thought, and his grip tightened in his brother's. "Even with that, you really want me to stay?" he asked quietly. "Then, I can. Until you don't need me anymore."

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

It was not so simple as an aspect of care. Place the fact before him and Albedo would find the flaws in it. Pick apart the means to determine the cause. It was fact, solid as the one previous, and given clarity by the methods used on himself. Yes. Nigredo was the Executioner. Yes, he was created to kill Albedo's twin. Yes, he had nearly done the same with Albedo--and memory could wash up as it hadn't before, and give him fiery anger to combat the statements. Nigredo had tried to kill him, had given himself away in the act, and there was nothing in Albedo that could merely accept that. That, as well, remained true.

The boy fell silent, memories pressing and pulling apart in ways too convoluted to fully define. There were facts, clear and simple, and those before he had clung to, kept to, and raised up as stability when nothing else remained. He had been abandoned, he had had a brother raise hand against him, and without words declare himself to be the murderer of a person who existence encompassed Albedo's world. That existed as something concrete, simple and clear, and it had only recently shifted in ways too subtle and straightforward to count.

His twin's actions. The acts of strangers in different ways. The sensations given by the youngest--and his actions, unexpected as well. And the conclusion to be wrought? Things weren't as simple as they once were. And was all that truly remained.

He couldn't speak. He couldn't bring himself to speak.

{It's not... about not caring,} he gave painfully, sensations warring within him obviously. He wanted to break into fresh tears. {It's not about not caring. Everything... got ruined. Everything fell to pieces. And I just--}

"I want to go home." Albedo started crying again, free hand wrapping about Nigredo's waist. Not the Yuriev Institute, but the sensation before. Before U-DO and the Executioner, before immortality and Sakura, back to when they were something that passed for happy and were always together. He didn't want any of this. "I don't want you to go away."

Re: M58

[falseblack]

As he thought. The situation was not so simple that the events could be set aside. For this reason alone, Nigredo understood: his life's purpose encompassed all else, even as other factors complicated relations. Albedo, however, had spoken, and the younger variant had also promised. It would do him well to keep it this time, to make up for the poor job he had done with the last. With what self-control he could muster under sedatives, the child stifled his doubts and hesitation, the destructive topic of the Executioner pushing closer to the place where he buried all his secrets.

Still, Albedo seemed only to cry more. Like he had already lost Nigredo, whose insides squirmed uneasily in the affect.

"I won't go away," he said, tired. "You won't be alone unless you want to be." Until. Unless. Exceptions had to be established in the likelihood of rejection. He knew everything could again change later on; he wasn't naive enough to believe anything else.

Such as the upcoming stipulation. Those outside of their family might have taken the statement in literal terms. Nigredo, however, had access to another source. Therefore, the return was in reference to the meaning that came through the link. "But we can't go back."

Re: M58

[purpletaint]

He knew that. He knew that, and he knew that, and he understood the futility of that statement even in this state--even as he couldn't take it back, couldn't swallow the words down back to where they belonged, and keep them in the dying part of his mind until it decayed in full to remain not even a memory. Yes. He understood that there was nothing that remained of the sensation of home.

He took in a shuddering breath, inhaling more of Nigredo's shirt than actual air. Under soap and cloth, there existed a scent of familiarity, and he clung to that, taking that, desiring that above all else. Nothing else existed except for that security, and breaths calmed to a degree, evened if only slightly. Desperation remained, harsh and ragged, an allowance not afforded to the situation. "I don't want to be! I don't want to be alone. Why do you think I came to you that night?"

When Rubedo had hurt him, harmed him, when the link was found to be correctly severed, and all that remained was a little brother. A little brother who agreed. To take him somewhere else. And also. "Why do you think I was always near you, too?"

Re: M58

[falseblack]

The parts that hummed with thoughts and feelings deadened themselves in a single instance, forcing him to take stock of the questions offered. Albedo had indeed come to him at night--multiple nights, actually--and stayed close. The details were scarce, but Nigredo knew. Only one night had stuck out to him as an honest attempt to lessen the other's pain, an event shortly before-- But that was what had been odd, wasn't it? The brief truce would result in an attempt at murder, then the first proclamation of not wanting to be alone.

Between this and everything else, it no longer held sense to Nigredo. Though, perhaps that had always been the case with this brother.

He stared down, eyes fixed on the color violet. The touching, the sensation of breaths against his shirt were not registered. Everything else was ignored in favor of waiting questions and a constant attribute. "I don't know," he spoke quietly. "How am I supposed to know? You attacked me the day after that." The child swallowed, visibly agitated by the thought. "Maybe you were always there, but you never seemed to like my presence most of the time."