Day 51: Men's Showers [Fourth Shift]

[purpletaint]

No. Not even that ever-so-charming red-headed girl wasn't able to take his mind from memories dragged to the surface. It wasn't so much of a surprise--those things, that girl, had occupied his mind for a long period of time. Where every waking thought, after reaching over to find his twin's mind on her, became an undulating hatred of her presence.

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[sdatislife]

Last night had been a confused blur and today hadn't been much better. Shinji had slouched along from room to room, from place to place, leading the nurses lead him and place him. He'd eaten mechanically, without much enthusiasm, as he always did. He was used to the place, used to the routine.

Strangely, it didn't bother him. It should've, he knew, but he couldn't muster up the will to resent it. This was better than being under his father again, being forced to fight and kill and hurt. At least his friends were here. Even if they didn't know why they should hate him. even if they didn't remember what he'd done. Maybe he could change it - that was a thought - but here everyone was alive. Even Kaworu.

The showers were a relief and he bowed his head under the stream of water, letting it soak into his skin and into his hair. He remembered the last time he'd been here - he'd talked with Kaworu, hadn't he? And now he was here alone, listening to voices echo off of tile. Maybe he could stay here for a while.

[For Toji]

[sangouki]

As the day wore on, Toji had more time to think. He thought Arts & Crafts was bad-- trying to get to the showers was far worse, in comparison.

He was in a bleary daze up until then; he didn't quite care that the food was crappy during breakfast, and he didn't notice what he was doing with a piece of paper and markers during arts and crafts. He didn't let goddamned Soryu get to his head because he knew she was talking bullshit, all of it-- what she was saying couldn't be possible.

Yet, when Toji made his way through the Showers Room, he felt a tinge of anger nipping at the edge of his mind become increasingly more annoying, and when he nearly slipped off of his foot and onto the floor again, he was done-- he was flustered and angry, pathetically lost and too fucking confused to really have taken it all in, and all because he let that fucking boisterous Nerv brat talk to him about this!

What could he do, anyway? He wasn't a pilot anymore! He wasn't anything, he was Toji Suzuhara the cripple, and the only person he had-- no, knew--

[sdatislife]

Shinji heard someone occupy the faucet down the row from him. He kept his head bowed, letting the water stream over him, ignoring the other person for now. If it was Kaworu, the other boy would've said something. Besides, after his last talk with him, he wasn't sure how sitting in the shower and just talking would work out. Probably poorly. Everything he touched went wrong, anyway. He took a deep breath, letting steam and warmth flow into him. It helped. A bit

[sangouki]

He knew the showers were better than sitting down somewhere and having a nurse follow him around until he went insane. He also knew that it was better than being alone out in the open, with a bunch of other crazi-- madm-- patients. What would he have done, anyway, fall asleep at the lounge?

As water trickled from the shower head, his thoughts became bleary and tangled together. It was a comfortable kind of daze; he felt together for the first time today. He let out a sigh and leaned forward, staring blankly at the tiled floor he was sitting on.

He was feeling better. He felt calmer than before; he was ready to try and get up--

Then someone called his name.

Even past the noise of the showers, that voice sounded damn familiar... He jerked his head to the side, an arm raised and a hand cupped into a tight fist in defense.

Yeah, he knew that voice, alright. He knew that voice really well.

He couldn't get himself to raise his voice past a whisper, tinged with a faint shudder of anger.

"Shinji?"

[sdatislife]

He could hear the anger in Toji's voice. He could feel the tension. This was all wrong. Everything about this was wrong. Toji shouldn't have lost his leg. He shouldn't have been crippled. But he was. He was because Shinji hadn't act, because Shinji hadn't been fast or quick or strong or smart enough to save him. Because he'd been too weak and stupid to do it and so his father had done it for him.

Shinji sunk to the floor, curled against the wall as he stared at the other boy, everything else fading. He had never imagined he'd be faced by such a stark reminder of his failures, of his own ineptitude. But here Toji was. His face screwed up and he tried to breathe as he felt the beginnings of panic begin to well up in him.

"Toji... I... I..."

I'm sorry?

"I'm... so..."

He felt the tears coming again and his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, high-pitched as he tried to maintain a semblance of self-control.

"I'm so sorry, Toji."

[sangouki]

He watched uselessly as his best friend crumpled to the floor, in tears, sputtering words he could barely comprehend? What was he doing? Why was he apologizing? The edges of Toji's mouth creased into a deep frown, as he tightened both of his hands into tight fists; his cheeks were pinched with pink, and with livid breaths he clenched the bathroom floor and tried to get up.

No.

No.

No.

Asuka's wrong. Asuka's wrong. Asuka's wrong, dammit, no one is stuck here, Japan's not screwed, his friends are back home, nothing is wrong, he's just-- why--

Shinji was-- supposed to be somewhere else, out of the hospital, something"You... you

[sdatislife]

Shinji spluttered for a few more moments, trying to get the words out through a flood of emotion, tears and near-panic. He hadn't even begun to forgive himself (if he ever would). How could he expect Toji to forgive him?

Then he realized that Toji wasn't yelling at him about his leg or the Eva or anything that he'd been worried about, the things he still had nightmares out, the events he still replayed over and over in his head, trying to figure out what he could've done differently. Instead Toji was yelling about this place.

He jerked as Toji slid to the floor again. "I... I don't know..."

He forced himself to answer. "I just... woke up here."