Day 51: Men's Showers [Fourth Shift]

[purpletaint]

No. Not even that ever-so-charming red-headed girl wasn't able to take his mind from memories dragged to the surface. It wasn't so much of a surprise--those things, that girl, had occupied his mind for a long period of time. Where every waking thought, after reaching over to find his twin's mind on her, became an undulating hatred of her presence.

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[sdatislife]

Shinji heard someone occupy the faucet down the row from him. He kept his head bowed, letting the water stream over him, ignoring the other person for now. If it was Kaworu, the other boy would've said something. Besides, after his last talk with him, he wasn't sure how sitting in the shower and just talking would work out. Probably poorly. Everything he touched went wrong, anyway. He took a deep breath, letting steam and warmth flow into him. It helped. A bit.

He finally opened his eyes, wiping away water as he tried to focus. And for a moments he swore he was dreaming. He'd fallen asleep. Toji was sitting right there. Missing the leg that Shinji had taken from him.

Shinji felt his heart leap into his throat and all of the anxiety and fear and despair that he'd manage to forget (if only for a few moments) came back. He felt his hands trembling and he clenched them into fists, tried to stop himself. He couldn't speak. He couldn't get the words out. And worst of all, he felt like he was going to cry (again). He finally managed to croak out something. One word. A name.

"Toji..."

[sangouki]

He knew the showers were better than sitting down somewhere and having a nurse follow him around until he went insane. He also knew that it was better than being alone out in the open, with a bunch of other crazi-- madm-- patients. What would he have done, anyway, fall asleep at the lounge?

As water trickled from the shower head, his thoughts became bleary and tangled together. It was a comfortable kind of daze; he felt together for the first time today. He let out a sigh and leaned forward, staring blankly at the tiled floor he was sitting on.

He was feeling better. He felt calmer than before; he was ready to try and get up--

Then someone called his name.

Even past the noise of the showers, that voice sounded damn familiar... He jerked his head to the side, an arm raised and a hand cupped into a tight fist in defense.

Yeah, he knew that voice, alright. He knew that voice really well.

He couldn't get himself to raise his voice past a whisper, tinged with a faint shudder of anger.

"Shinji?"

[sdatislife]

He could hear the anger in Toji's voice. He could feel the tension. This was all wrong. Everything about this was wrong. Toji shouldn't have lost his leg. He shouldn't have been crippled. But he was. He was because Shinji hadn't act, because Shinji hadn't been fast or quick or strong or smart enough to save him. Because he'd been too weak and stupid to do it and so his father had done it for him.

Shinji sunk to the floor, curled against the wall as he stared at the other boy, everything else fading. He had never imagined he'd be faced by such a stark reminder of his failures, of his own ineptitude. But here Toji was. His face screwed up and he tried to breathe as he felt the beginnings of panic begin to well up in him.

"Toji... I... I..."

I'm sorry?

"I'm... so..."

He felt the tears coming again and his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, high-pitched as he tried to maintain a semblance of self-control.

"I'm so sorry, Toji."

[sangouki]

He watched uselessly as his best friend crumpled to the floor, in tears, sputtering words he could barely comprehend? What was he doing? Why was he apologizing? The edges of Toji's mouth creased into a deep frown, as he tightened both of his hands into tight fists; his cheeks were pinched with pink, and with livid breaths he clenched the bathroom floor and tried to get up.

No.

No.

No.

Asuka's wrong. Asuka's wrong. Asuka's wrong, dammit, no one is stuck here, Japan's not screwed, his friends are back home, nothing is wrong, he's just-- why--

Shinji was-- supposed to be somewhere else, out of the hospital, something--

"You... you...

"You... IDIOT!"

Toji slammed his knuckles against the wet floor of the showers; he was yelling, voice breaking. "Didn't... didn't I tell you to have more b-balls than that, Ikari?! C'MON!"

With the support of his hands, he tried to get up, some abstract, disheveled message at the back of his mind saying that he needed to stand up somehow, not drown in a flurry of hot water, and snap Shinji out of it, make him stand up too, punch some sense into him, something. His palm slipped against the tile, and Toji fell back against the floor with a hollow thud, and the boy was left to shout hoarsely, eyes pinched closed--

"How'd you let yourself get stuck in this hellhole?! YOU IDIOT!"

[sdatislife]

Shinji spluttered for a few more moments, trying to get the words out through a flood of emotion, tears and near-panic. He hadn't even begun to forgive himself (if he ever would). How could he expect Toji to forgive him?

Then he realized that Toji wasn't yelling at him about his leg or the Eva or anything that he'd been worried about, the things he still had nightmares out, the events he still replayed over and over in his head, trying to figure out what he could've done differently. Instead Toji was yelling about this place.

He jerked as Toji slid to the floor again. "I... I don't know..."

He forced himself to answer. "I just... woke up here."