Homeworld: Eva Hanger

[hasnomeaning]

[from here]There was quiet as the First Child stepped forward, steps echoing on a familiar surface. Shock disturbed even her features as she stared at Unit 00, intact and whole in its restraints. How was this-- For some reason this was what affected her more. That Unit 00 was whole. And only as the dredges of that dulled did the surprise of their

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[moral_liberty]

Kaworu felt it. The feeling of his body moving when his stomach wasn't. It was a lurching sensation, but as he walked through it, the dizziness stripped away the fog that had been clinging to his soul. It tore off piece by piece, leaving him clear. The light inside of him, that which had been dull, was uncovered, and it returned strong and natural. He hadn't realized how he had been suffocating until he stood there breathing again. His blood flowed, his nerves were alight. His awareness spread across the room, and it was all at his fingertips. Every space, ever shifting of the air, it came to him. He knew the meaning of it. He did not need to look, he did not need to reassure himself. Kaworu had stepped back into his place, and out of the tenuous dream he had decided to love.

He did not see Soryu running ahead, or Ayanami drifting forward, even as he watched them. He could not hear the sound of his feet on the cement. The pull was overwhelming, after having lost it and forgotten it. Adam urged both within and without, and it was difficult to imagine himself without it, although he had been free so recently. He had possessed such a willingness to accept his death as an absence of this truth. But it was a mistake. He lived still, and that which had made him less had released him. He had been existing as the Lilim, but falsely.

Separation was beyond him, though he sought a disconnect that did not come. As strong, but not as physical, another line held him back and interrupted his advance into the hanger. Emotion coursed through the bond, and delivered him memories. It had been one week since he had last stood here. Too many weeks in his life had passed, quickly and without any meaning. With Shinji, worth and love had created an illusion, and Kaworu felt a lifetime had been encompassed in the shared time. He did not regret his actions, but there was a longing that had been inspired in him. It made what had once been a simple decision seem oppressive.

The connection of humanity had stopped him. The thread of hope, that which was to be preserved, that which Shinji held, now held Kaworu. It called his eyes back to the Lilim he knew would follow. Kaworu wondered if Shinji could sense the change as well. The static that ran through him was intense, and it wouldn't have surprised Kaworu. He cautiously opened and closed his empty hand, uneasy with how simple it was to recall how Shinji's felt in his own.

Shinji's face drained him of all but the longing, which rose up with all his regret. They were faint notes that overtook his mind. He was aware enough to smile, and in it he hoped to express something he didn't understand.

[sdatislife]

Shinji stood stock still for a moment and stared up at Unit 00. It couldn't be. This had to be some sort of strange hallucination like the other night. They couldn't be back. They couldn't be standing in the cages. They couldn't. They'd been told there was no way out. They'd been told that their world was a lie. They'd been told many, many things. He remembered standing here, shoulders slumped in dejection and despair as he he tried to ignore the clingy, too-tight feeling of his plug-suit, the feeling of exposure. He'd just killed one of his only friends.

His fingers twitched as he tried to think. If they were all back, why wasn't Kaworu dead? Why wasn't Rei? Why wasn't Asuka in a coma? Maybe Landel's had been the horrible dream. Maybe this world was the dream and he was managing to get some sleep in his sterile bed back in his little room. Maybe he was Sean Inoue and in the morning this would just be another of his delusions.

Or maybe he was a broken, shattered boy named Shinji Ikari and he had just returned to his living nightmare.

Shinji screamed and the noise ripped from his throat before it finally died into a strangled whimper. He couldn't be back. He didn't want to be. They couldn't make him. He wasn't going to pilot. He wasn't going to kill or hurt or be hurt anymore. He was only peripherally aware of Asuka as she dashed ahead. He put his hands against the side of his head, as if the pressure would wake him up.

"No no no no! I'm not going back! I don't want to! I-" He began to babble for a moment and then trailed off into silence, punctuated by a few sobs as he drew back, shrank into himself. Shut down.

[hasnomeaning]

Three reactions, as the pilots came into being behind her. The Second's reaction made the most sense, and that... was stretching things. From the direction, the Second was fleeing to her Eva, but one could not always know. And behind her, a scream from a familiar throat. Startled, Rei turned to stare at the Third as he murmured to himself, the girl taking a step forward towards him without thinking.

And then the third reaction. That she should have noticed sooner. An AT Field moving to expand. A presence that was recognized without knowledge. Something in this. (This she knew.) Steps continued to be taken towards Shinji, even as her line of sight shifted--widened eyes narrowing at the source of the intrusion, white hair and mirrored eyes to the side. She shifted slightly between them, staring distrustfully at the other while directing her words to the Third. "Ikari."

She hesitated here, unknowing how to express what was needed. A beat passed, and she differed to logic over emotion. "Please get in your Eva. It is not safe here." For reasons known, reasons unknown, the one labeled the Fifth had become a threat instead.

[lookitmemama]

Asuka stared into the jewel green eyes of her evangelion, a low whine following her worried frown. "Ohhh... my Unit 02..." She wondered how long it had taken NERV to piece it back together. They hadn't been gone all that long, not even a week. "We'll be fine next time. Just listen to me and it'll work out..." She wouldn't need Shinji to save her again. The little pilot extended her hand towards her red eva and flinched at their matching colors. Flipping her hand over, the familiar black of her gloves sparked sudden apprehension within her.

How could she have gotten changed in a split second from the bar to the hanger? She hadn't blacked out; Asuka remembered everything clearly. The redhead didn't have time to explore the meaning of this once a familiar cry echoed from Unit 00's bay. No big surprise who it came from. This was not the time for his whining!

Already pushed past her limit of tolerance, Asuka stormed back in view of the others, pointing an accusatory finger their way. "Listen! We don't have time for your scheiße! If you hadn't noticed, there are no NERV personnel around here! What if they were all pulled away to fight an angel since we were all MIA? We could be under attack now!" Her eva was functional again and so was Rei's. If Kaworu was truly what he claimed to be, they could just let Shinji wallow in the cage and hook up whitey to Unit 01 despite the horrendous synch ratio.

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu's eyes flickered over to Asuka as she spoke. Her awareness was in the present. The lives of those who should live here, the state of that which surrounded them, occupied her mind. Ayanami watched him, but with a new awareness. She was not wrong, he knew. She felt it, and Shinji would know it, if he were aware. But Kaworu had heard him. He was far away from them. Too far to realize what it was Kaworu had been, and what he would be now.

Kaworu's smile had gone, and he did not notice its absence. He took the steps that returned him to Shinji without awareness. His muscled responded, but only against resistance, as the knowledge of more ran like a line from his brain to Adam, to Lilith, the caverns below them. He wished to resist it, but there was Ayanami. She stood between them, erecting herself as a barrier, ever protected, and now refusing his connection to Shinji.

It was an impossibility, to live with Shinji still. It always had been, but it was too pleasant. Kaworu had taken the moments of comfort and let all else fall aside. The edge in Shinji's voice reverberated in him too harshly now, and he wanted to find a way to soften it. He he couldn't, the thoughts would not retreat. It created something unwelcome and painful beyond Kaworu's control. He could not answer his questions. He could not convince him of its necessity. Not again.

"Shinji," he said, because it was all there was. Too many more words would increase the strain he already saw. Kaworu disliked the distance between them, but Ayanami preserved it. "We can only move forward."

[sdatislife]

How could Rei have asked that of him? He'd gone through so much. He'd done so much. He wouldn't pilot it again. He couldn't. Every time he had, he'd only brought himself pain. He'd only brought others pain. He wouldn't. He shook his head at Rei and tried to find his voice, his words. "N-no... I... I..."

His head whipped around to stare at Kaworu as an expression of horror dawned on his face. Move forward? Kaworu. He wanted to join with Adam. With whatever it was that would help him end the world. He whimpered and shrank back against the wall, arms wrapped around himself. "No. No, I can't. I can't... I can't watch you all die and be hurt again. Not again. Please."

He slumped, slowly sliding down to sit and he stared up at them with wide eyes.

[hasnomeaning]

Here again, she was but a silent observer. And even with the supposed-Fifth's change of ken, and the Third's overwhelming anxieties, she was silent in this. Ikari had reason for his reactions. More so than he had earlier. After what had happened with the Fourth Child... After that, and everything else. She could not fully blame him.

But the Second's words had reached her, dismissed for their tone, then taken as fact. It was true. If no one else, there should be the normal workers, scientists. And why...? An evacuation would be the only logical option, if the pilots were elsewhere. (And why were they sent away to begin with?) Which meant there was a threat. Somewhere close. There was something.

The Fifth hadn't moved and so she looked away, to stare up at Unit 00. "...She's right. Something is wrong." Hesitation stayed her for a moment, but duty called where nothing else had a hold. Again, she stepped forward towards her Eva. "If they were evacuated, we can't stay here." If they were under attack, they had to defend. It was their responsibility, the only one left to her. Other than. Another. One close.

She didn't know the words to prompt movement into Ikari. And here she was divided by briefly touching wants.

short, sorry :(

[lookitmemama]

Asuka stood there, waiting for something to happen. She should have known better. They all just huddled together, looking at one another instead of the scenery. And that deserted scenery was a bit more important than soothing a drama queen's fragile ego.

"It's a sad day when my only ally here is wonder girl." The words were more from habit than total frustration. Rei may have been the pampered pet, but at least she was a dependable comrade (not that she would ever admit that). The same couldn't be said for Shinji who was yammering on about death or something as equally fitting with his personality. "Who's dying?" The redhead interjected herself forcefully into the conversation as always. Everyone's business was her business; that's how it worked, like an unspoken rule.

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu looked at them. He had many times before, and he knew these faces. But now, he looked at them with an understanding of the roles they played. It was not new, and yet he had not often taken the time to consider what it is that was meant for each of them. His own destiny was reawakened, and this new life was not meant to be anything beyond the past. He would walk the same path. He would hope that Shinji would as well.

"I regret that I am unable to be anything more." Emotions pulled at his face in a way that was uncomfortable. It was the sadness, he believed, of leaving something which he had grown to love. The longer he was permitted to live, the more it weighed upon him. It slowed his mind, and held back his steps.

But still he took them. His shoes were different now, though he hardly noticed. The rubber soles dragged on the metal as he took one step away from all that he wished to be near. Kaworu felt himself splitting.

"I do love you, Shinji," Kaworu continued, trying to meet his eyes. It happened too infrequently. "And I have enjoyed this time." Movement became regretfully natural again, although his voice may have wavered. He slid his hands into his pockets and turned from them, allowing Adam to propel his legs for him, past the Lilim and Ayanami. He found himself, and projected it outwards. Light bled from his body even though the familiar school uniform, unimpeded by any physical force. And then finally, he lifted, and shed his connection with gravity.

[sdatislife]

Shinji kept his head bowed. He ignored Asuka's harsh words. He ignored the empty, cavernous hangar surrounding him. Maybe it would all go away. Maybe he would wake up. Maybe this life was a nightmare. Part of him hoped that it was, even as another part of him knew that it wasn't. That this was his reality, where he belonged, no matter how much he hated and detested it, no matter how much pain and misery it brought him. He choked back a sob and kept his head buried against his knees. And then he heard Kaworu's words and the meaning slowly filtered into his conscious mind. He looked up, an expression of shock, horror, betrayal, pain written over his features.

"Kaworu, no! I-"

If anything would have spurred him into action, it was this. He scrambled to his feet, leaned back against the wall for support. "Kaworu, don't do this to me. Don't... don't m-make me do this again. I c-can't. I won't. N-not again..."

He chocked back a sob, forced back the the prickling sensation at the corners of his eyes. There was a weight on his shoulders, pressure on his chest and a rising sense of panic. "Please, don't make me kill you! I don't want to do this again! Help me!"

[hasnomeaning]

It was felt before she even looked over her shoulder. A change in the air, a shifting presence. The one labeled as Kaworu Nagisa levitating in midair. There was a hint of fact within this; a telltale knowledge forcing its way upward. There was a mirror in that one, to reflect a part hidden away--and there was nothing like her in the place that one now resided. Any brief recognition had vanished in the wake of changes. She took a breath, eyes blinking quickly before relaxing. There were options left to her in that state. The simplest being the choice in front of her. Unit 00 still existed in its entirety. And what was better than an Eva, to confront what was here.

Ikari had said that he didn't want to kill that one. It would not fall on his shoulders.

Ayanami moved to the entry plug efficiently, ignoring the drama playing out behind her. She slid in, the action too familiar, too well known. It was almost convenient, now, her plug suit being found in that closet. But that didn't matter. She forced a manual start-up, LCL flooding in to fill the plug. She spared a moment to wonder if Asuka would copy her motions, then concentrated on synching with Unit 00. Lights flashed in a pattern, and then the hanger was again seen in absolute clarity.

[lookitmemama]

"Mein Gott..." Her words were nothing more than a silent curse when her throat grew suddenly dry. As Kaworu rose, so too did Asuka's blue eyes and the rhythm of her heart. Shinji's lips moved, but she could hear nothing; the blood throbbing in time with her heartbeat was the only thing that cut through the silence.

Her dislike for this boy had been petty jealousy. Shinji had someone new to depend on and had displaced Asuka along the way. It was a simple, common human emotion that the redhead wished she was above. It was too shameful to admit, but now a new excuse clouded over it all. Kaworu was an angel. "I knew there was something about you, something I didn't like! Schlange! Schwindler!" In her rage and terror, she forgot herself and it all began to turn into a ramble in German as she stormed toward Kaworu and Shinji, duty and friendship making her bold enough to get so close. "Shinji! Shinji!" A red hand grabbed the pilot under his arm and tugged, trying to get him moving and away. "I am not going to die here for you, so get moving, arschloch! I don't care if you fight, but at least get in your eva and get out of our way!"

By the time wonder boy roused and got moving, it could be too late. She needed to come up with another solution. Asuka had noticed Rei's quick decision and for now she was their best bet. Turning around to face Kaworu in the air, her round face twisted into a snarl. "What did you do to Shinji, you traitor!?" She decided the best course of action was to distract Kaworu and hope Rei could get in a pot shot soon.

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu had been watching Shinji. Hearing those words made him sink, although he still did not return to the ground. Seeing Shinji through the light made his expression seem softer, but his voice alerted Kaworu to the reality. His pain was raw, and his pleas were not beyond Kaworu's desires. If he were to land, to feel the ground under his feet, he could pretend he were Lilim. He would never believe, but he thought he would be able feel it, if Shinji were there. The hesitation was more dizzying than anything he had felt before.

It could not continue, this life he imagined. The time he had been given was temporary. He had known that from the beginning. In knowing this, he had loved it more. The days held worth because Kaworu had understood he would receive no more. He believed that it had been enough, but now he wished to avoid his own end. He craved more.

And so he had promised to stay with Shinji. It was a dissonance within him. His awareness of himself and his wants had fractured, and only now did he see it. He saw on Asuka Langley Soryu's face what his fate was now, though. In this instance, it would not be his choice. If Shinji would not kill him, then she would. She and Kaworu both saw the differences between them, and the danger that he was to her existence. It was only between himself and Shinji that this was lost. He could know it was impossible when he saw the hate in her eyes, and it was forgotten again when he remembered Shinji's begging. It was a painful life, in which people only caused him pain. Kaworu caused him pain.

"I allowed him to trust me." The honesty hung in the air between them.

His eyes locked on Shinji, his red eyes were full of regret and responsibility, and they still cut through the glow. "I'm restricted by my fate. It binds us both, even if we would choose to live otherwise. I had forgotten this because of you. I'd like to stay if I could. I feel best with you, Shinji."

[sdatislife]

There was too much going on. Too much noise. Asuka yelled at him and for a brief moment his eyes locked with her's - round, shocked, terrified, saddened - and then he looked away again, avoiding the meeting point of human souls. He couldn't face her (he should've told her the truth). He couldn't do anything. He hadn't saved her and he'd allowed an Angel to worm his way underneath his skin, past all of his defenses, past everything that Shinji thought had kept him safe and settled into his life as easily as if he'd always known Shinji. He went limp, refusing to move. Asuka's words still made it through to him (she cared about him; she worried; maybe-). Kaworu was still floating above him, surrounded by a nimbus of light. Too much confusion. Too much input.

Shinji heard the words though, the angry exchange from Asuka, the calm, almost sad reply from Kaworu. He refused to believe this was happening. Another hallucination. Another dream. Maybe he would wake up and he would be Sean Inoue again (and for the first time, he wished this was all a delusion, that he had a normal life to return to). "Don't... Y-you don't have to... Just stop!"

He choked back another sob. "Asuka- you... I... you d-don't understand it all- He-"

The words were strangled. "H-he was your replacement..."

[hasnomeaning]

Fingers and hands had moved across controls, a willing oblivion in regards to the play being acted out. She, too, wanted to understand. Rei, as well, wanted to know. But after, after everyone was safe, separated from. From what? A crease appeared between her eyebrows. She didn't know what was going on. But a part of her had partially accepted similarities, just as a part rejected any aspect of that one's being now. And so that meant? She wasn't quite sure. She wouldn't say.

It would take a small amount of time, the Eva forcing the restraints to allow itself freedom. Noise echoing cacophonously as metal stretched and bent to break. There was a shifting in the main body, then the right arm extended to rest on the framework the two other pilots were resting on, separating them from the other. For now, that... Even as she amplified her voice to speak the word, she heard through the speakers. Ikari's last words. And in that, understood. Still there was what remained. "Go."

To the Evas. To outside. To find Gendo or Misato or anyone. She didn't care. This was too... strange. Too much.