(no subject)
Title: Do You Know What Your Sin Is? (5/7)
Author:
damn_hero_zoe with the assistance of the lovely
vigotmanpartsv
Pairing: Zoe/Jayne
Word Count: 4,900
Prompt: Wrath
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Zoë headed down to her bunk. So much had changed. It was evident when she looked around her room. One of Jayne's tee shirts was tossed on the floor, evident of how much they needed and wanted one another the night before. She picked it up and tossed it on top of her wash basket.
She had swallowed her pride and told Jayne how she felt and now they had something going. She wasn't sure what it was yet. Made her happy. He could make her smile, make her laugh.
Sometimes, though, Zoë wondered if she was enough. Jayne was used to having whores. She was just one woman. Could she ever be enough for him? She tidied up the room, piling clothes in the basket, stacking her books neatly again.
He jumped down into her bunk, look of concentration on his face. “Zoë? Ya seen my rainstick anywhere?”
She turned as she heard his boots. "Rainstick?" She shook her head. "No. Can't say I have."
He snagged her around the waist and lifted her from behind. “I can' fin' it nowhere. Though' mebbe ya seen it... hell, I hope lil crazy ain't got her paws on it!”
She smiled as he lifted her and turned to her face towards him. "Well, if she does, I'm sure she's not gonna break it."
“Still a man's things are private...” he said, putting her down on the bed and flopping down next to her.
"That they are." She smiled at him and caressed his cheek.
He watched her, eyes smiling. There wasn't a smile on his face, rarely ever was. “So, wha' where ya doin'?”
"Cleaning up a little." She shifted a little closer and kissed him sweetly.
“Why? We only gunna mess it up more, later.” He kissed her back then leaned up on his elbow to look down at her.
She looked up at him and shrugged. "Sometimes I just get the urge to tidy up."
“Huh...ain't the only urges ya get...,” waggling his brow.
Her smile was soft. "True." She wondered about his urges. Was she enough to satisfy them?
He quirked a brow a bit. “Ya ok?”
"I'm fine," she lied. She smiled wider, attempting to hide the fact that she was thinking about it. She shouldn't be letting it bother her. But it did.
“Ah... Ok. Well, iffen ya wan' I can go? I gotta go clean my guns anyway.”
She sighed. "I... you don't have to go, you know." She had a lot on her mind, but that didn't mean she wanted him to go. "But if you have to go clean your guns..." Didn't he usually call them his girls? Why did everything always come back to Jayne and women?
He was trying to refer to them as guns because the other day when he called them his girls she flinched so hard he thought she was going to throw her mug across the room.
“Well, Pa...I mean my colt been acting a mite touchy lately. Dun' wan' her ta be off durin' a job...” He hadn’t caught that he called it a "her."
She sighed and sat up. "Then I guess you better go clean her." She pulled her hair out of her pony tail holder and redid her hair.
Jayne never got the subtleties of woman; he paid so often he never had to. They gave him no sass and he got his comeuppance. Lu, the one woman he had ever been with in any long-tem sense, never played the, “I am mad at you but I will say one thing and mean another game." It was usually just fire and brimstone with her. They had worked together and there had never been any difficulties. So, when she sighed he caught that but she told him to go and do it. Him being a literal and simple kind of a man, he needed this stuff spelled out to him.
He sat up and leaned over to kiss her cheek and run his hand through her thick mane. “Um, all righ'. I'll be in the mess iffen ya need me.”
She sighed again and pulled away, standing and looking around for something to clean. She needed to clean before these thoughts consumed her mind again. She didn't want to fight with him. But sometimes... She sighed again.
When she pulled away and stood, he gave her a WTF face. Then he rolled his eyes and stood. “Yea, I'll be in the ruttin' mess,” he said snarkily and climbed up the ladder and into his bunk for his supplies before she had a moment to say anything.
She sighed frustratedly and threw the pillow she was fluffing across the room. She looked the ladder for a moment. Then she climbed up out of her bunk and headed for the mess. She needed to confront this head on.
He chucked his guns and his cleaning supplies onto the table. He had changed his shirt into the slashed up Blue Sun tee Shirt cause he didn't care if it got all gummy with stuff. He heard angry footfalls and flinched softly but steeled his shoulders and leaned over his colt, pulling her apart.
She took a deep breath. There was no use trying to be subtle.
"Am I enough?"
“Yea, enough to damage my calm an' drive me feng li! Wha' the ruttin' hell do ya mean?” he snapped.
"I think the question was simple enough, Jayne." She stepped into the room, on the defensive now. She crossed her arms.
“I think the answer was self explanatory! Ya been actin' like a caged bird these pass' coupla days now. Anytime I mention anudder woman or I look at Kaylee, I refer ta my guns as girls! I though' ya were better en' tha'? Ya actin' like I'm treatin' ya bad or summin'!”
"You're not treating me bad, Jayne, but you make me wonder. Am I enough by myself?" She uncrossed and then re-crossed her arms. "Can you be happy with just me?"
“Excuse me? Who ruttin' says? You? You the authority on wha' is enuff fer me now?”
"I think I have the right to my own thoughts, Jayne. I can't help how I feel." She threw her hands up in frustration. His words hit her like a ton of bricks.
“I can' believe ya even askin' me these questions! Cause iffen ya gotta... then ya got no business bein' wit' me! Dong le ma?” He spat each word at her like it was poisonous.
She swallowed. "Guess that answers it then."
“Yea, ya got a righ'… but when ya come accusin' me of wha's false... all this passive aggressive garbage ya been throwin' at me. Makin' me feel ruttin' bad, forcin' me ta watch wha' I say, who I say it to...” He snorted.
“Sides, ain't thoughts... its insecurities... plain an' true... I guess I can now throw fits whenev'a Mal comes 'roun'?”
"I'm not asking you to change, Jayne. Never did. Never will. And DON'T bring Mal into this." She crossed her arms and stared him down.
"I ain't accusing you of anything. I'm asking a question." She leaned against the table. "And I AIN'T thrown a fit."
He laughed. “Oh ya can ask me tha' kinda question… but I can' add my own. Tha's rich. Ya know wha' dun' tell me wha' ta do... or how ta do it again, EV'A!”
“Ya began accusin' me when I mentioned my girls the udder day an' ya nearly threw yer mug across the room.. Or when Kaylee couldn' reach the salt.. an' I had ta get it fer her... I touched her back.. ya nearly popped out yer eyes. So, although ya ain't outrigh' said nuttin'… yer actions have.”
She sighed, still glaring at him. Her face was a perfect mask now, the one she wore when they were on the job, the one that lied and said she didn't care.
"I'm sorry if I'm a little cautious, Jayne." Her voice said other wise.
“Oh bullshit.. this here...this here is why I ren' their time an' I dun' bide mine.” She winced at his words. “Iffen ya wanted ta know... tha' is one thing.. this go se is a whole nudder thing entirely. an' ya ain't sorry.. so dun' ruttin' lie!”
"FINE!" She pushed herself away from the table. "You don't want me to lie? That's just FINE, Jayne. Let me just tell you that I hate second guessing myself, which I seem to be doing a LOT lately. Wondering if anything I did was good enough. Wondering why you have to call them your girls. Wondering if you still think about Kaylee."
His stare was icy. “Reckon as I see it.. ain't gave ya no reason ta secon' guess me. Tha's yer decision.” He took a breath before continuing. “I dun' nuttin' but hang out wit' ya.. been by yer side. I always called 'em my girls. They keep us alive, they get us the coin, they protec' tha' fine, perfec' ass a yer's. They my babies, haven' failed me yet, they shiny an' roun' an' feel good in my han' like the perfec' woman does. So, iffen ya gotta secon' guess me.. then I reckon ya dun' gotta be wit' me.. seein' as all it will do is give ya stomach trouble.”
He rolled his eyes. “Seems ta me someone shoulda' taught ya the fine art of talkin' ta folk. Where ya sit em down an ASK!”
"Fine. Do you still think about Kaylee? That's the only issue of mine you didn't address in that lovely little rant of yours." She returned that icy stare.
“I tol' ya how I felt tha' day on the bridge. Iffen I'm thinkin' bout udder wimmen, like I am sure ya can think on an' 'ppreciate a fine lookin' man an' tha' is all...” he growled, sentence dying on his lips.
He looked like he was about to explode. “Ya know ...Ya got nerve. I watched ya doggin' all ov'a Mal fer years. Doin' his biddin'. An' I ain' second guessin' us on them set a circumstances righ now? Am I? I got every reason ta doub' ya too. I dun'. I put it all in middle when I signed up fer this.” His face was hardened.
“Iffen ya can' lissen', Ain'. My. Ruttin'. Problem! So, very kindly.. go fuck yerself!” he spat.
He threw all of his possessions on the table, his precious girls, and his cleaning supplies and stormed out of the mess. He was incensed. He'd been plain as day with her and suddenly she's acting like a doubting thomas and not like the smart, warrior queen he was falling for very rapidly.
She didn't even flinch when her heart was breaking. Something she learned to do a long time ago. "What the hell do you mean I've been doggin' Mal?" She followed him, enraged. Why is it the men in her life always seemed to think she had a thing for Mal?
He reared up on her like an angry cobra about to strike. “Ya hear' me.. Oh wait... mebbe ya didn'. Seems ta me ya migh' wan' the Doc ta check tha’. Seems ya ain' hearin' so well. Happens wit' age. Dun' feel so shiny now does it?”
he asked her with a shocking bit of icy resolve.
Her eyes widened for an instant before her stony glare was back in place. "I want to know what you meant when you said I've been doggin' Mal." Her hands were at her sides and she was attempting not to clench her hands into fists. She was failing. Her anger was boiling at this point.
“Keep wonderin'...I ain' gunna play this game.. at yer beck an' call, ya boss me 'roun' some, tell me wha' ta do, how ta act, wha' ta think.. then make up wit' me juss' when ya feelin' like grapplin' wit someone. I am an' been speakin' plainly an' ya treatin' me like the man I was.. WAS! I ain' him. Zoë, I though' ya was gunna treat me better 'en this.. I guess I was wrong?” The next words out of his mouth cut through her heart like a fiery knife, searing into her very soul. “I shoulda nev'a stopped payin' fer it. They dun' question me. They know iffen I am thinkin' 'bout a nice set a tits.. its all I am doin'. Ain' nuttin' ta do wit nuttin' but bein' a man an' ppreciatin' wha's 'round me. They dun' get jealous 'a me callin' some metal my girls neither. They know tha' wha' is ...is! An I ain' gunna argue wit' it.”
He took a deep breath. “I weren' suai enuff... she got the Doc! I am too tarnished fer her anyhow an' she’s happy an' I am happy fer her.”
Her teeth clashed. "If that's how you felt, Jayne, I'm surprised you didn't end it. I'm sure the next planet we land on will have a whore house for you." She turned on her heel and marched back into the galley.
He stood there, that was the next thing he was expecting out of her mouth. He never took Zoë for being so lacking in the self esteem department. He weren't ready to even look at her he was so angry. He jumped down into his bunk and closed the door.
She heard him go into his bunk and close the door. She kicked the bulkhead. He got her so frustrated sometimes. The way Wash could. But she and Wash never fought like this. She let out a groan of frustration.
He curled up on his bunk, face down, and punched his pillow a few times for effect,
trying to close his eyes.
She headed for his bunk and raised her hand to knock. She thought better of it and headed towards her bunk. She turned on her heel and headed back for his. Soon she was pacing, trying to decide where she should go. She let out another frustrated groan.
He came to the top of his bunk, pushed the door open and nearly bellowed, “People are tryin' ta sleep!” His face was stony but his eyes held the hurt he was feeling, even if for a moment.
"I'll bet," she snapped. She sighed. "Can we please just talk about this?" She was gonna lose it. She could feel it and she didn't want to fight with him.
He jumped back down into his bunk, leaving the door open. She took that as an invitation and climbed down. She ran a hand through her hair and leaned against the wall, compiling her thoughts. She didn't want to yell at him again. She wanted to do this rationally. She loved him.
He sat on his bed, head hung low, hands folded between his knees. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." Seemed like a good way to start.
He grunted softly and nodded. Speaking was beyond him at the moment.
A soft sigh was heard. "I just..." She took another deep breath. "I know you're not Wash and I'm not asking you to be. I just want to know where this is going, Jayne. I got scared and then I got angry... I'm sorry." She pushed herself away from the wall, but didn't move too much closer to him.
“Ya got scared 'a me? Tha's a good way ta start. I dun' know wha' ya wan' me ta say. I been spendin' nuttin' but my time wit' ya... even when we go planetside. When we go out ta the bar.. we all go tagether. I barely go near the engine room so ya dun' get the wrong idea.. less' Mal needs me ta go there. I shouldn' haveta avoid my friends like tha'. I can look at a nudder woman an 'ppreciate their value but tha's all I am doin'. Even iffen my dreams dun' always got ya in 'em.. ya know the ones I am talkin' 'bout, dun' mean nuttin'. All ya had ta do was sit an ask. I love ya, baby... but iffen ya gunna be like this... I mean.. I know ya look at udder men.. dun' mean I like it none but its natural. I know ya been here fer me. I ain't questionin' it.”
She sat next to him. "I wasn't scared of you, Jayne." She wrung her hands, searching for the right words. "I was scared of giving you everything and having it not be enough. I love you and I don't want to make you miserable. Seems that's what I've been doing, keeping you from your friends and the like. So I'm sorry."
“When I say scared 'a me, Zo'... I mean of my intentions.. of my feelin's. I dun' know why ya'd ev'a think ya wasn' enuff. I'da tol' ya. I think I got a big enuff mouth ta speak plainly when it's needed. I won't stay in summin' tha' makes me miserable.. iffen tha' was so I really woulda lef' Serenity ages ago. Things nev'a go smooth, Mal dun' truss' me, everyone argues.. but its home.” He sighed. “Mebbe we juss' need some time apart ta cool off.”
"Maybe," she said absentmindedly. "That's not what I want, but it's not about what I want is it?" She sighed. "It's about what we need."
He scratched the back of his head idly. This was killing him. He gave it a shot but it wasn’t good enough and now he wasn’t sure what to do.
She turned to look at him, sadness in her eyes. "Jayne, I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight and I don't want time apart. I want this to work." She knew she had a lot to do inside herself for it to work, but she wanted it to, badly.
He ground the heels of his palms against his eyes. “Zoë, I tol' ya.. I ain' a good man. I'm tryin'...ya showed all this truss' in me an' then ya juss' yanked it away got me tetchy. I wan' it ta work too. Yer juss' makin' me see I ain' the righ' kinda man fer ya…” He stood, shoes scraping on the floor and he headed up the ladder into the mess to clean up his guns.
She held her head in her hands. She had really fucked up. She loved him. She stood, taking a deep breath. She be damned if she was giving him up without a fight.
Up the ladder she went and headed to the mess. "Jayne, you are the right man for me. If you weren't, I wouldn't love you so much." She stepped in softly. "I let my self doubt push you away, and I hate that I did that. I do trust you and I want you to be happy."
He was sitting at the table, gun in his hands, he was just contemplating it… the cool metal and how it weighed in his hands. How she got him out of so many situations. He heard Zoë speaking but barely, kind of off in the distance.
She saw the look on his face, deep in thought. She moved to stand next to him. "Jayne, I love you so much. I'll do what ever you want me to do," she said resolutely. "You want time, I'll give it to you. Whatever you want."
He turned glassy blue eyes up to look at her. If she touched him right then he was a goner. He didn’t know what he wanted or needed anymore. All he knew was this here gun, how it was steady in his hand, felt right, did what he needed, was his truth. He turned his eyes back to it. “I know its juss' a gun, Zo'...but in my hear' it's my girl. She takes car'a me…” he said softly.
She put her hand on his shoulder and sat next to him, suddenly beginning to understand why he named them. "Keeps you safe."
He sighed. “Truss' me ta keep 'em righ', love 'em, cherish 'em, give 'em a home, a place.”
‘What I should trust you to do.’ She nodded. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." She had thought it was something to do with women of his past. She had no idea how wrong she was until that moment.
“Its nice ta 'member.. I mean I ain' gunna lie.. I name 'em after some of my favorites.. I do Zoë. Cause it was a good memory, they mean' summin' ta me at the time. I coul' pass on the good memories ta them. Make 'em real. Give me summin' ta think 'bout while everyone was doin' their own thing. It's wha' I knew. It's me.. wha' I am.. but now I am wit' you.” He put the gun down on the table.
“This here's Zoë...” He was looking at the wall, back slightly bowed, arms draped over his muscular thighs.
Her eyes widened. "Zoë?" He named it after her? She looked at the gun for a moment and then back to him. Her hand reached out to gently touch his arm.
“I name all my guns after my favorite girl's. I juss' wanted ya ta know tha'.” He cleared his throat. “I shoul' clean this mess up.. fer Mal tears me a new one.”
"Jayne. Please, look at me." She wanted desperately to fix this. She wondered if it reflected in her voice.
He turned to look at her, face blank. “OK…”
"I need to fix this. Tell me how. Let me know what you want me to do." Her eyes reflected everything, her pain, her sadness, her desperation and extreme desire to fix this.
“I am juss' tryin' ta answer yer questions.. I dun' know wha'..." he sighed. "No scratch tha'... I need a place, I need a purpose, I need be set righ' an' taken care of. I need truss' tha' yer gunna handle me righ'.”
She nodded. "How can I earn that trust again, Jayne?" Part of her told her she didn't deserve it. But she needed it like she needed air.
“Believe in us.. in me. I ain' perfec' but I am doin' all I can. Juss' talk ta me.. like a person. I am a person. I'm an asshole, a hundan but still a person. Sides, why ya doubtin' us? Me? Are ya tryin'ta push me away 'afore ya lose me.. like ya did him? Our lives ain't written in stone but we chose 'em. Dun' make it righ' ta sabotage summin' cause yer afraid ta lose it ta summin' outta yer control. Way I see it...everythin' 'bout us is outta our control!”
Are ya tryin'ta push me away 'afore ya lose me.. like ya did him? That was it. She didn't want the pain again. She didn't think she'd survive that. "You're right. I don't want to lose you and I can't just push you away like I did, because that's losing you, too. I'm sorry." She reached for his hand, hoping he'd give it to her.
He pulled her roughly onto his lap. He held her close, firmly against his chest, he didn't say anything. In his arms, she knew they could get through this. She wrapped her arms tight around him. "I'm sorry." She didn't think she could say it enough.
“It's shiny.. for now. We all mess up. Ya dun' gotta keep sayin' it.. I know ya are... Less' go ta bed... I juss' wanna sleep an' hol' my favorite girl.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose.
She nodded. "Want help cleaning up your girls first?" She needed to make amends. This was small, but it was something.
“Sure.. tha'd be shiny.” He took a deep breath and stood, lifting her as well and setting her down.
She leaned up to kiss his cheek. Zoë took a deep breath and turned to the table and what she thought were her rivals. She picked up Zoë and held it in her hands. She had a nice weight to her. She was a good weapon.
He handed her his duffle bag so she could put the guns inside and he could take them down to his bunk and put them away.
Zoë gently placed the gun in the duffle bag. One by one, she placed them in the bag, weighing them in her hand. She was going to respect them. They were a part of his life and she wanted to be a part of his life.
“Ya ready..? I will clean 'em tomorrow. 'Afore we head out fer the job.”
She put the last one in and zipped up the duffle. "There. All done." She looked up at him. He snagged the duffle bag gently and threw it over his shoulder, walking toward the doors to their bunks.
“Well, ya comin?”
"Of course." She crossed the room quickly and offered him her hand. "Your bunk or mine?"
“Your bunk is closer...” He paused. “Unless we just get rid of the whole idea of his bunk, her bunk...”
A smile crossed her face for the first time since she was in her bunk before. "We could."
“Yea, we coul'... so, whaddya say? I mean... yer bunk is bigger 'en mine… I can keep my girls in my bunk.. up ta ya?”
"I'd say that sounds like a plan. You can keep your girls where ever you want." She took a step closer to him and smiled up at him, hand gentle on his arm.
He held her hand firmly but gently. “Ya ok?” he asked softly, eyes full of concern, love and awe.
“I can' promise tha' we won' get hurl' or worse... Zoë but I am a fighter.. so was he. Wha' happened was bad but he didn' feel much pain. He wen' out helpin' you, River, gods know how many.. he died a hero. He saved ya.. an' now its my turn ta protec' ya.. an' I promise ya.. I promise him.. iffen he can hear me tha' I will.” He finally smiled, a small soft smile.
Her smile never wavered but there were tears in her eyes. "I know. He died protecting all of us, protecting his family. And I know you'll protect me, keep me safe."
He wiped the tears from under her eyes and kissed her cheeks. “Yer my girl.”
"I know," she whispered, looking up at him. "I love you, Jayne Cobb."
He looked down at her, the soft smile creasing the sides of his eyes. He leaned his head against hers and stared at her for a good couple of minutes. Then he finally said it.
“I love ya too, Zoë Alleyne Washburne.”
She beamed at him and took the duffle out of his hands and put it gently on the floor. Her arms wrapped around him and she leaned up to kiss him.
“Wey...Oh.. hi..” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Hi," she whispered back. Her lips were soft on his and she couldn't keep the smile from them.
“So?” He kissed her back. “We goin' to our bunk? Is it okay iffen the girls sleep ov'a? I think I might be a bit too busy ta be puttin' 'em ta bed at the moment…”
A smirk crossed her face. "As long as they don't make too much noise, I don't mind."
“Nah! they all sleep like babies...won' fuss none.. they might wanna watch..” he leered.
"Let 'em." Her mouth covered his once more, more urgent this time.
He pulled back suddenly. “Is this where the make-up sex happens? Make-up sex is shiny...”
He was rewarded with another smirk and her dark, sultry eyes on him. "Yes, Jayne. Although I'd have to say any sex with you is shiny."
“Grab the duffle...” He waited until she had it firmly in hand and then picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. She squealed as he tossed her over his shoulder. "Jayne!" Her mock indigence was marred by the smile on her face.
“Good, cause you got a lot a makin' up ta do.. an' I got all night!” He grinned and walked toward the bunk.
Suddenly, Mal rounded the corner and stopped short. He was doing his rounds. “Uh, Jayne, why do you got my first mate slung over your shoulder?”
“Uh... well, she owes me make up sex an' I am juss' takin' the goods to our bunk so tha' I dun' get shirked on my end of the deal....”
She laughed and thumped him hard on the back. "It's true, sir," she giggled.
When she hit him, he smirked. “Owww... woman... juss' sit there an' look sorrowful!”
“Wey? wha'??” Mal looked stumped. “Wha'? Make-up sex.. Zoë? What the hell is going on..?”
“Lissen' Mal.. uh.. we can' talk righ' now... See, we on a tigh' schedule.... she," he smacked her on the ass, causing her to yelp, “got a whole lotta makin' up ta do.. then I gotta get res' 'afore we make tha' job in the mornin'.” His face was innocent, happy, almost giddy. He began to run down the hall now.
Mal looked like he might explode. “WEY! MAKE UP SEX? What the ruttin' hell is goin' on...on this boat.. ya know MY BOAT!”
She looked at Mal and smiled. "Yes, sir. Your boat, our home. Got it."
Cross posted a bunch of places... :)
Author:
damn_hero_zoe with the assistance of the lovely
vigotmanpartsv
Pairing: Zoe/Jayne
Word Count: 4,900
Prompt: Wrath
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Zoë headed down to her bunk. So much had changed. It was evident when she looked around her room. One of Jayne's tee shirts was tossed on the floor, evident of how much they needed and wanted one another the night before. She picked it up and tossed it on top of her wash basket.
She had swallowed her pride and told Jayne how she felt and now they had something going. She wasn't sure what it was yet. Made her happy. He could make her smile, make her laugh.
Sometimes, though, Zoë wondered if she was enough. Jayne was used to having whores. She was just one woman. Could she ever be enough for him? She tidied up the room, piling clothes in the basket, stacking her books neatly again.
He jumped down into her bunk, look of concentration on his face. “Zoë? Ya seen my rainstick anywhere?”
She turned as she heard his boots. "Rainstick?" She shook her head. "No. Can't say I have."
He snagged her around the waist and lifted her from behind. “I can' fin' it nowhere. Though' mebbe ya seen it... hell, I hope lil crazy ain't got her paws on it!”
She smiled as he lifted her and turned to her face towards him. "Well, if she does, I'm sure she's not gonna break it."
“Still a man's things are private...” he said, putting her down on the bed and flopping down next to her.
"That they are." She smiled at him and caressed his cheek.
He watched her, eyes smiling. There wasn't a smile on his face, rarely ever was. “So, wha' where ya doin'?”
"Cleaning up a little." She shifted a little closer and kissed him sweetly.
“Why? We only gunna mess it up more, later.” He kissed her back then leaned up on his elbow to look down at her.
She looked up at him and shrugged. "Sometimes I just get the urge to tidy up."
“Huh...ain't the only urges ya get...,” waggling his brow.
Her smile was soft. "True." She wondered about his urges. Was she enough to satisfy them?
He quirked a brow a bit. “Ya ok?”
"I'm fine," she lied. She smiled wider, attempting to hide the fact that she was thinking about it. She shouldn't be letting it bother her. But it did.
“Ah... Ok. Well, iffen ya wan' I can go? I gotta go clean my guns anyway.”
She sighed. "I... you don't have to go, you know." She had a lot on her mind, but that didn't mean she wanted him to go. "But if you have to go clean your guns..." Didn't he usually call them his girls? Why did everything always come back to Jayne and women?
He was trying to refer to them as guns because the other day when he called them his girls she flinched so hard he thought she was going to throw her mug across the room.
“Well, Pa...I mean my colt been acting a mite touchy lately. Dun' wan' her ta be off durin' a job...” He hadn’t caught that he called it a "her."
She sighed and sat up. "Then I guess you better go clean her." She pulled her hair out of her pony tail holder and redid her hair.
Jayne never got the subtleties of woman; he paid so often he never had to. They gave him no sass and he got his comeuppance. Lu, the one woman he had ever been with in any long-tem sense, never played the, “I am mad at you but I will say one thing and mean another game." It was usually just fire and brimstone with her. They had worked together and there had never been any difficulties. So, when she sighed he caught that but she told him to go and do it. Him being a literal and simple kind of a man, he needed this stuff spelled out to him.
He sat up and leaned over to kiss her cheek and run his hand through her thick mane. “Um, all righ'. I'll be in the mess iffen ya need me.”
She sighed again and pulled away, standing and looking around for something to clean. She needed to clean before these thoughts consumed her mind again. She didn't want to fight with him. But sometimes... She sighed again.
When she pulled away and stood, he gave her a WTF face. Then he rolled his eyes and stood. “Yea, I'll be in the ruttin' mess,” he said snarkily and climbed up the ladder and into his bunk for his supplies before she had a moment to say anything.
She sighed frustratedly and threw the pillow she was fluffing across the room. She looked the ladder for a moment. Then she climbed up out of her bunk and headed for the mess. She needed to confront this head on.
He chucked his guns and his cleaning supplies onto the table. He had changed his shirt into the slashed up Blue Sun tee Shirt cause he didn't care if it got all gummy with stuff. He heard angry footfalls and flinched softly but steeled his shoulders and leaned over his colt, pulling her apart.
She took a deep breath. There was no use trying to be subtle.
"Am I enough?"
“Yea, enough to damage my calm an' drive me feng li! Wha' the ruttin' hell do ya mean?” he snapped.
"I think the question was simple enough, Jayne." She stepped into the room, on the defensive now. She crossed her arms.
“I think the answer was self explanatory! Ya been actin' like a caged bird these pass' coupla days now. Anytime I mention anudder woman or I look at Kaylee, I refer ta my guns as girls! I though' ya were better en' tha'? Ya actin' like I'm treatin' ya bad or summin'!”
"You're not treating me bad, Jayne, but you make me wonder. Am I enough by myself?" She uncrossed and then re-crossed her arms. "Can you be happy with just me?"
“Excuse me? Who ruttin' says? You? You the authority on wha' is enuff fer me now?”
"I think I have the right to my own thoughts, Jayne. I can't help how I feel." She threw her hands up in frustration. His words hit her like a ton of bricks.
“I can' believe ya even askin' me these questions! Cause iffen ya gotta... then ya got no business bein' wit' me! Dong le ma?” He spat each word at her like it was poisonous.
She swallowed. "Guess that answers it then."
“Yea, ya got a righ'… but when ya come accusin' me of wha's false... all this passive aggressive garbage ya been throwin' at me. Makin' me feel ruttin' bad, forcin' me ta watch wha' I say, who I say it to...” He snorted.
“Sides, ain't thoughts... its insecurities... plain an' true... I guess I can now throw fits whenev'a Mal comes 'roun'?”
"I'm not asking you to change, Jayne. Never did. Never will. And DON'T bring Mal into this." She crossed her arms and stared him down.
"I ain't accusing you of anything. I'm asking a question." She leaned against the table. "And I AIN'T thrown a fit."
He laughed. “Oh ya can ask me tha' kinda question… but I can' add my own. Tha's rich. Ya know wha' dun' tell me wha' ta do... or how ta do it again, EV'A!”
“Ya began accusin' me when I mentioned my girls the udder day an' ya nearly threw yer mug across the room.. Or when Kaylee couldn' reach the salt.. an' I had ta get it fer her... I touched her back.. ya nearly popped out yer eyes. So, although ya ain't outrigh' said nuttin'… yer actions have.”
She sighed, still glaring at him. Her face was a perfect mask now, the one she wore when they were on the job, the one that lied and said she didn't care.
"I'm sorry if I'm a little cautious, Jayne." Her voice said other wise.
“Oh bullshit.. this here...this here is why I ren' their time an' I dun' bide mine.” She winced at his words. “Iffen ya wanted ta know... tha' is one thing.. this go se is a whole nudder thing entirely. an' ya ain't sorry.. so dun' ruttin' lie!”
"FINE!" She pushed herself away from the table. "You don't want me to lie? That's just FINE, Jayne. Let me just tell you that I hate second guessing myself, which I seem to be doing a LOT lately. Wondering if anything I did was good enough. Wondering why you have to call them your girls. Wondering if you still think about Kaylee."
His stare was icy. “Reckon as I see it.. ain't gave ya no reason ta secon' guess me. Tha's yer decision.” He took a breath before continuing. “I dun' nuttin' but hang out wit' ya.. been by yer side. I always called 'em my girls. They keep us alive, they get us the coin, they protec' tha' fine, perfec' ass a yer's. They my babies, haven' failed me yet, they shiny an' roun' an' feel good in my han' like the perfec' woman does. So, iffen ya gotta secon' guess me.. then I reckon ya dun' gotta be wit' me.. seein' as all it will do is give ya stomach trouble.”
He rolled his eyes. “Seems ta me someone shoulda' taught ya the fine art of talkin' ta folk. Where ya sit em down an ASK!”
"Fine. Do you still think about Kaylee? That's the only issue of mine you didn't address in that lovely little rant of yours." She returned that icy stare.
“I tol' ya how I felt tha' day on the bridge. Iffen I'm thinkin' bout udder wimmen, like I am sure ya can think on an' 'ppreciate a fine lookin' man an' tha' is all...” he growled, sentence dying on his lips.
He looked like he was about to explode. “Ya know ...Ya got nerve. I watched ya doggin' all ov'a Mal fer years. Doin' his biddin'. An' I ain' second guessin' us on them set a circumstances righ now? Am I? I got every reason ta doub' ya too. I dun'. I put it all in middle when I signed up fer this.” His face was hardened.
“Iffen ya can' lissen', Ain'. My. Ruttin'. Problem! So, very kindly.. go fuck yerself!” he spat.
He threw all of his possessions on the table, his precious girls, and his cleaning supplies and stormed out of the mess. He was incensed. He'd been plain as day with her and suddenly she's acting like a doubting thomas and not like the smart, warrior queen he was falling for very rapidly.
She didn't even flinch when her heart was breaking. Something she learned to do a long time ago. "What the hell do you mean I've been doggin' Mal?" She followed him, enraged. Why is it the men in her life always seemed to think she had a thing for Mal?
He reared up on her like an angry cobra about to strike. “Ya hear' me.. Oh wait... mebbe ya didn'. Seems ta me ya migh' wan' the Doc ta check tha’. Seems ya ain' hearin' so well. Happens wit' age. Dun' feel so shiny now does it?”
he asked her with a shocking bit of icy resolve.
Her eyes widened for an instant before her stony glare was back in place. "I want to know what you meant when you said I've been doggin' Mal." Her hands were at her sides and she was attempting not to clench her hands into fists. She was failing. Her anger was boiling at this point.
“Keep wonderin'...I ain' gunna play this game.. at yer beck an' call, ya boss me 'roun' some, tell me wha' ta do, how ta act, wha' ta think.. then make up wit' me juss' when ya feelin' like grapplin' wit someone. I am an' been speakin' plainly an' ya treatin' me like the man I was.. WAS! I ain' him. Zoë, I though' ya was gunna treat me better 'en this.. I guess I was wrong?” The next words out of his mouth cut through her heart like a fiery knife, searing into her very soul. “I shoulda nev'a stopped payin' fer it. They dun' question me. They know iffen I am thinkin' 'bout a nice set a tits.. its all I am doin'. Ain' nuttin' ta do wit nuttin' but bein' a man an' ppreciatin' wha's 'round me. They dun' get jealous 'a me callin' some metal my girls neither. They know tha' wha' is ...is! An I ain' gunna argue wit' it.”
He took a deep breath. “I weren' suai enuff... she got the Doc! I am too tarnished fer her anyhow an' she’s happy an' I am happy fer her.”
Her teeth clashed. "If that's how you felt, Jayne, I'm surprised you didn't end it. I'm sure the next planet we land on will have a whore house for you." She turned on her heel and marched back into the galley.
He stood there, that was the next thing he was expecting out of her mouth. He never took Zoë for being so lacking in the self esteem department. He weren't ready to even look at her he was so angry. He jumped down into his bunk and closed the door.
She heard him go into his bunk and close the door. She kicked the bulkhead. He got her so frustrated sometimes. The way Wash could. But she and Wash never fought like this. She let out a groan of frustration.
He curled up on his bunk, face down, and punched his pillow a few times for effect,
trying to close his eyes.
She headed for his bunk and raised her hand to knock. She thought better of it and headed towards her bunk. She turned on her heel and headed back for his. Soon she was pacing, trying to decide where she should go. She let out another frustrated groan.
He came to the top of his bunk, pushed the door open and nearly bellowed, “People are tryin' ta sleep!” His face was stony but his eyes held the hurt he was feeling, even if for a moment.
"I'll bet," she snapped. She sighed. "Can we please just talk about this?" She was gonna lose it. She could feel it and she didn't want to fight with him.
He jumped back down into his bunk, leaving the door open. She took that as an invitation and climbed down. She ran a hand through her hair and leaned against the wall, compiling her thoughts. She didn't want to yell at him again. She wanted to do this rationally. She loved him.
He sat on his bed, head hung low, hands folded between his knees. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." Seemed like a good way to start.
He grunted softly and nodded. Speaking was beyond him at the moment.
A soft sigh was heard. "I just..." She took another deep breath. "I know you're not Wash and I'm not asking you to be. I just want to know where this is going, Jayne. I got scared and then I got angry... I'm sorry." She pushed herself away from the wall, but didn't move too much closer to him.
“Ya got scared 'a me? Tha's a good way ta start. I dun' know wha' ya wan' me ta say. I been spendin' nuttin' but my time wit' ya... even when we go planetside. When we go out ta the bar.. we all go tagether. I barely go near the engine room so ya dun' get the wrong idea.. less' Mal needs me ta go there. I shouldn' haveta avoid my friends like tha'. I can look at a nudder woman an 'ppreciate their value but tha's all I am doin'. Even iffen my dreams dun' always got ya in 'em.. ya know the ones I am talkin' 'bout, dun' mean nuttin'. All ya had ta do was sit an ask. I love ya, baby... but iffen ya gunna be like this... I mean.. I know ya look at udder men.. dun' mean I like it none but its natural. I know ya been here fer me. I ain't questionin' it.”
She sat next to him. "I wasn't scared of you, Jayne." She wrung her hands, searching for the right words. "I was scared of giving you everything and having it not be enough. I love you and I don't want to make you miserable. Seems that's what I've been doing, keeping you from your friends and the like. So I'm sorry."
“When I say scared 'a me, Zo'... I mean of my intentions.. of my feelin's. I dun' know why ya'd ev'a think ya wasn' enuff. I'da tol' ya. I think I got a big enuff mouth ta speak plainly when it's needed. I won't stay in summin' tha' makes me miserable.. iffen tha' was so I really woulda lef' Serenity ages ago. Things nev'a go smooth, Mal dun' truss' me, everyone argues.. but its home.” He sighed. “Mebbe we juss' need some time apart ta cool off.”
"Maybe," she said absentmindedly. "That's not what I want, but it's not about what I want is it?" She sighed. "It's about what we need."
He scratched the back of his head idly. This was killing him. He gave it a shot but it wasn’t good enough and now he wasn’t sure what to do.
She turned to look at him, sadness in her eyes. "Jayne, I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight and I don't want time apart. I want this to work." She knew she had a lot to do inside herself for it to work, but she wanted it to, badly.
He ground the heels of his palms against his eyes. “Zoë, I tol' ya.. I ain' a good man. I'm tryin'...ya showed all this truss' in me an' then ya juss' yanked it away got me tetchy. I wan' it ta work too. Yer juss' makin' me see I ain' the righ' kinda man fer ya…” He stood, shoes scraping on the floor and he headed up the ladder into the mess to clean up his guns.
She held her head in her hands. She had really fucked up. She loved him. She stood, taking a deep breath. She be damned if she was giving him up without a fight.
Up the ladder she went and headed to the mess. "Jayne, you are the right man for me. If you weren't, I wouldn't love you so much." She stepped in softly. "I let my self doubt push you away, and I hate that I did that. I do trust you and I want you to be happy."
He was sitting at the table, gun in his hands, he was just contemplating it… the cool metal and how it weighed in his hands. How she got him out of so many situations. He heard Zoë speaking but barely, kind of off in the distance.
She saw the look on his face, deep in thought. She moved to stand next to him. "Jayne, I love you so much. I'll do what ever you want me to do," she said resolutely. "You want time, I'll give it to you. Whatever you want."
He turned glassy blue eyes up to look at her. If she touched him right then he was a goner. He didn’t know what he wanted or needed anymore. All he knew was this here gun, how it was steady in his hand, felt right, did what he needed, was his truth. He turned his eyes back to it. “I know its juss' a gun, Zo'...but in my hear' it's my girl. She takes car'a me…” he said softly.
She put her hand on his shoulder and sat next to him, suddenly beginning to understand why he named them. "Keeps you safe."
He sighed. “Truss' me ta keep 'em righ', love 'em, cherish 'em, give 'em a home, a place.”
‘What I should trust you to do.’ She nodded. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." She had thought it was something to do with women of his past. She had no idea how wrong she was until that moment.
“Its nice ta 'member.. I mean I ain' gunna lie.. I name 'em after some of my favorites.. I do Zoë. Cause it was a good memory, they mean' summin' ta me at the time. I coul' pass on the good memories ta them. Make 'em real. Give me summin' ta think 'bout while everyone was doin' their own thing. It's wha' I knew. It's me.. wha' I am.. but now I am wit' you.” He put the gun down on the table.
“This here's Zoë...” He was looking at the wall, back slightly bowed, arms draped over his muscular thighs.
Her eyes widened. "Zoë?" He named it after her? She looked at the gun for a moment and then back to him. Her hand reached out to gently touch his arm.
“I name all my guns after my favorite girl's. I juss' wanted ya ta know tha'.” He cleared his throat. “I shoul' clean this mess up.. fer Mal tears me a new one.”
"Jayne. Please, look at me." She wanted desperately to fix this. She wondered if it reflected in her voice.
He turned to look at her, face blank. “OK…”
"I need to fix this. Tell me how. Let me know what you want me to do." Her eyes reflected everything, her pain, her sadness, her desperation and extreme desire to fix this.
“I am juss' tryin' ta answer yer questions.. I dun' know wha'..." he sighed. "No scratch tha'... I need a place, I need a purpose, I need be set righ' an' taken care of. I need truss' tha' yer gunna handle me righ'.”
She nodded. "How can I earn that trust again, Jayne?" Part of her told her she didn't deserve it. But she needed it like she needed air.
“Believe in us.. in me. I ain' perfec' but I am doin' all I can. Juss' talk ta me.. like a person. I am a person. I'm an asshole, a hundan but still a person. Sides, why ya doubtin' us? Me? Are ya tryin'ta push me away 'afore ya lose me.. like ya did him? Our lives ain't written in stone but we chose 'em. Dun' make it righ' ta sabotage summin' cause yer afraid ta lose it ta summin' outta yer control. Way I see it...everythin' 'bout us is outta our control!”
Are ya tryin'ta push me away 'afore ya lose me.. like ya did him? That was it. She didn't want the pain again. She didn't think she'd survive that. "You're right. I don't want to lose you and I can't just push you away like I did, because that's losing you, too. I'm sorry." She reached for his hand, hoping he'd give it to her.
He pulled her roughly onto his lap. He held her close, firmly against his chest, he didn't say anything. In his arms, she knew they could get through this. She wrapped her arms tight around him. "I'm sorry." She didn't think she could say it enough.
“It's shiny.. for now. We all mess up. Ya dun' gotta keep sayin' it.. I know ya are... Less' go ta bed... I juss' wanna sleep an' hol' my favorite girl.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose.
She nodded. "Want help cleaning up your girls first?" She needed to make amends. This was small, but it was something.
“Sure.. tha'd be shiny.” He took a deep breath and stood, lifting her as well and setting her down.
She leaned up to kiss his cheek. Zoë took a deep breath and turned to the table and what she thought were her rivals. She picked up Zoë and held it in her hands. She had a nice weight to her. She was a good weapon.
He handed her his duffle bag so she could put the guns inside and he could take them down to his bunk and put them away.
Zoë gently placed the gun in the duffle bag. One by one, she placed them in the bag, weighing them in her hand. She was going to respect them. They were a part of his life and she wanted to be a part of his life.
“Ya ready..? I will clean 'em tomorrow. 'Afore we head out fer the job.”
She put the last one in and zipped up the duffle. "There. All done." She looked up at him. He snagged the duffle bag gently and threw it over his shoulder, walking toward the doors to their bunks.
“Well, ya comin?”
"Of course." She crossed the room quickly and offered him her hand. "Your bunk or mine?"
“Your bunk is closer...” He paused. “Unless we just get rid of the whole idea of his bunk, her bunk...”
A smile crossed her face for the first time since she was in her bunk before. "We could."
“Yea, we coul'... so, whaddya say? I mean... yer bunk is bigger 'en mine… I can keep my girls in my bunk.. up ta ya?”
"I'd say that sounds like a plan. You can keep your girls where ever you want." She took a step closer to him and smiled up at him, hand gentle on his arm.
He held her hand firmly but gently. “Ya ok?” he asked softly, eyes full of concern, love and awe.
“I can' promise tha' we won' get hurl' or worse... Zoë but I am a fighter.. so was he. Wha' happened was bad but he didn' feel much pain. He wen' out helpin' you, River, gods know how many.. he died a hero. He saved ya.. an' now its my turn ta protec' ya.. an' I promise ya.. I promise him.. iffen he can hear me tha' I will.” He finally smiled, a small soft smile.
Her smile never wavered but there were tears in her eyes. "I know. He died protecting all of us, protecting his family. And I know you'll protect me, keep me safe."
He wiped the tears from under her eyes and kissed her cheeks. “Yer my girl.”
"I know," she whispered, looking up at him. "I love you, Jayne Cobb."
He looked down at her, the soft smile creasing the sides of his eyes. He leaned his head against hers and stared at her for a good couple of minutes. Then he finally said it.
“I love ya too, Zoë Alleyne Washburne.”
She beamed at him and took the duffle out of his hands and put it gently on the floor. Her arms wrapped around him and she leaned up to kiss him.
“Wey...Oh.. hi..” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Hi," she whispered back. Her lips were soft on his and she couldn't keep the smile from them.
“So?” He kissed her back. “We goin' to our bunk? Is it okay iffen the girls sleep ov'a? I think I might be a bit too busy ta be puttin' 'em ta bed at the moment…”
A smirk crossed her face. "As long as they don't make too much noise, I don't mind."
“Nah! they all sleep like babies...won' fuss none.. they might wanna watch..” he leered.
"Let 'em." Her mouth covered his once more, more urgent this time.
He pulled back suddenly. “Is this where the make-up sex happens? Make-up sex is shiny...”
He was rewarded with another smirk and her dark, sultry eyes on him. "Yes, Jayne. Although I'd have to say any sex with you is shiny."
“Grab the duffle...” He waited until she had it firmly in hand and then picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. She squealed as he tossed her over his shoulder. "Jayne!" Her mock indigence was marred by the smile on her face.
“Good, cause you got a lot a makin' up ta do.. an' I got all night!” He grinned and walked toward the bunk.
Suddenly, Mal rounded the corner and stopped short. He was doing his rounds. “Uh, Jayne, why do you got my first mate slung over your shoulder?”
“Uh... well, she owes me make up sex an' I am juss' takin' the goods to our bunk so tha' I dun' get shirked on my end of the deal....”
She laughed and thumped him hard on the back. "It's true, sir," she giggled.
When she hit him, he smirked. “Owww... woman... juss' sit there an' look sorrowful!”
“Wey? wha'??” Mal looked stumped. “Wha'? Make-up sex.. Zoë? What the hell is going on..?”
“Lissen' Mal.. uh.. we can' talk righ' now... See, we on a tigh' schedule.... she," he smacked her on the ass, causing her to yelp, “got a whole lotta makin' up ta do.. then I gotta get res' 'afore we make tha' job in the mornin'.” His face was innocent, happy, almost giddy. He began to run down the hall now.
Mal looked like he might explode. “WEY! MAKE UP SEX? What the ruttin' hell is goin' on...on this boat.. ya know MY BOAT!”
She looked at Mal and smiled. "Yes, sir. Your boat, our home. Got it."
Cross posted a bunch of places... :)