The Chronciles of disaffection and heartbreak part 2 "Exs, idiocy and various other acts of emotion"

[damien_draiman]

Now, your probable wondering why this is part two. Well The first one Im re naming now "The Choronciles of disaffection and heartbreak part 1: Jealousy, Depression and fear of virginity." Now, Ill digress again. Since I wrote that entry things haven't improved much. I punched a window, a few of them, Go me! *hint of sarcasm* I was bleeding (well duh!) and go figure it was because of acts of last night. Danielle tells me "Oh, now your going to talk to me now?" Now, how do you think Im going to react? If you hint any type of anger, or despair to me then of course I'm going to think it's my fault. I know im not a person to Naturally be angry at. Im a cause and reason person. I usually cause something stupid to occur therefore people get pissed at me. I did find out it was because I just leave AOL when she tried to talk to me. I did do it to much and I feel real bad about it. It's just when I hear surprises, well usually Im not one to to be all "OMG, I'm so freaking happy for you." No, I get all angry an all that like an idiot in love and hold myself to complete rage and anger for a good amount of time before my brain finally gets in the mind set it should be in that "He's probably 10x better then you and she's happier then you can ever make her. That proves your love to her dude." Takes about 3 hours, a poem, a baseball bat to the bed and pillows (need new pillows and fix my bed) and a song or two to listen to or write. I hope she's happy and that he's better then me. I just wanna make one thing clear though about my first reactions. Im not justifying it in any way or anything but if you don't have just a little repent or anger that she has someone else, then really do you love her? You need the little bit of bad to hold it all in. Yea you prove you care about her when your happy, but what proves your love is feeling a little (just a little) anger and depression. Obvivously not alot as my sorry ass shows but if you really love a person you'll obvivously think that at first. I say it's like this, for true love you need 15% bad or selfish things. That's it. No more. Maybe just 10% but between that. Now, your probably thinking that it's fucked up that way, but take a moment to think about it, Im right in this case, after all you probably are just a little selfish in your realtionship. Look at the sexual part, didn't you ever have a b/f or g/f you just wanted to rip all there clothes off and have the greatest, dirtest, sex you ever had? You may love them, but you know you had some thoughts like that. That is selfish. Understand that it isn't a bad thing overall. As long as you keep it in check. I hope you understand..now I digress. I want to get back to the "10 times better" then me deal. Here's the thing, I want them to be 10x better then me. The best case scenario for me to feel so good is if was a decent to good boyfriend that made you smile whenever I could and all that good stuff, but the one you truly does it more and better then I ever could. You see, I don't wanna be forgotten, but I know FOR A FACT that I'll never be the world's greatest Boyfriend. I'm not attractive, im not funny all the time, I'm not rich, I'm not "In the crowd" I'm only well liked by a selected few..I have one thing that Im so proud of, the ability to truly love and care about a person like I did/do for 7 people ever in my life. For the fairness of that Ill mention there names now. Heather Christina Nicole Danielle Brandy Maria and now.. Amanda. You see, I do care about all my friends and you all know that. However, these seven I can never stop loving or anything for as long as I live. I know I wasn't a great friend or boyfriend half the time, but I know I tried my best. I know it. Just afraid that my ego will be shot down quicker then deer running from a hick during deer season. My analogies suck, deal with it. Rightfully so, maybe I didn't do enough in any way, shape or form. I just don't know. I don't know how to bring myself back up in essence. Maybe Nicole is right, maybe I deserve to be alone, maybe I deserve to have what I have handed to me, maybe I am all hype and no truth. Who knows? Right now, Im just confused trying to find the next step to go. I don't like moving unless there is a true hint of light at the end of the tunnel. Im sick and fuckin tired of this Dead End. It's as simple as that people. I think by now I deserve one thing I desire..just..one..thing. Can somebody please throw me a freakin bone here. It's that easy. Here's a song to listen to. If you don't like it, do me a favor and try to understand or read the lyrics if the video doesn't come up (I don't know if LJ shows music videos so whatever) If you do like the song and know it..understand why I think it's me

Trapt- Still Frame


trapt - still frame
- Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com">

If it works, great if not, d/l the song or read the lyrics.