A True Entry For Once .....Tuesday July 12 , 2005 - My Independence Day

[damianspector]

Given that all I seem to do on this journal these days is post song lyrics and funny little jokes I wanted to write a retrospective look at my life like I used to do. For some reason I have been moody latley , I have told myself a million reasons why , but in order to keep this from another long winded rant that neds in me crying myself to sleep , I shall refrain from telling any of them here today. The single purpose of this entry today is to look back at the most recent things that have impacted my life , and sadly none of them are good memories .... but what would one of my entries be without some sorrow filled mellowdrama. I have talked for years about how badly I was scared and wounded by the betrayl that Berri showed to me , yet I now realize a few things after taking a long and painful look back at our "releatiomship" ..... and what I discoverd both shocked and apaled me. I did deeply love her , a love that lived within the deepest bowels of my soul , the catacombs of my heart litterd with her image , yet it has taken me now a total of seven years to fully come to grips with the truth. That truth is this , I have blamed her and many other things for how I feel and think .... yet I am tired of living that lie , it was never her .... it was me. I was the one that fooled myself into thinking that there was more there than there trully was , and to be honest I disgust myself for what I became. It's funny , my whole life became defined by the love that I felt for her , yet the truth is what caused the deepest sting ..... that was never love , love is unconditional , unweilding and unrully ...... love can make you feel like your on top of the world one minute and rotting in hell the next , that is what love does ....love is a human emotion brought on more by that lumpy sack of grey matter called the Human Brain than the Heart ..... I realize now that I never trully loved Berri , I was in love with the concept of love ..... that feeling of having her next to me , seeing her smile , holding her close to me ..... but that my freinds is not love , it's nothing more than mere infatuation due to the fact that she was the first member of the opposite sex to give me any true attention. This situation led to some very unfortunate circumstances , the most noteable being the loss of over Eight Thousand Dollars of hard earned money and all of my worldy possesions. You see one of the big things that happend was that I was suckerd by her into thinking that I was her childs father for a long period of time .... and I fell hook , line and sinker for it .... but I don't feel that bad as all of my freinds and family did as well ..... aparently the kid just HAD to be mine and lord she sucked up to me like she was gonna find the cure for cancer in there ..... that was until I asked for a DNA test and it proved that I was indeed NOT a father .... and not only that , doctors varified that which I was the most afraid of .... I am physically unable to father children due to the early life injuries and surgery I underwent. But when all this debacle was going on I made the single dumbest mistake of my life ..... I left the apartment that I loved to go and live with her , but the worse part was I screwed over the best freind I have ever had in my life in the process. He told me that I was making a mistake but I thought i had a child to think about , and my foolish heart led me astray once more. The effect of this came when I left from her home after growing deeply sick and tired of hearing her bitching and whining all the god damned time ..... but though I regained my "freedom" ...... I lost everything in the process. The original story was that one ill fated night they house was broken into and all the things were stolen , this lie being backed by my sometimes so called "Freinds" ..... you know who you Jackasses are ..... yet the truth was that all my things were taken by her and her dickless wonder of a redneck boyfreind .... proving once and for all that he not only had no penis (No lie folks , I've heard the stories .... the sorry fucker could not get it up with a fucking crane) ....but he also had no Balls because he hid and lied his ass off to me about it all ..... knowing full well I would have beaten his redneck ass from one side of his outhouse to the other. The things I ended up loosing because of this ugly situation included a 30 inch Television (That was the first purchase I ever made on my own with my own money) , A Custom Designed Black Dragon Katana set , A 1st edition Rob Zombie action figure (Signed personally by Rob himself at Ozzfest) , Every single episode of Dragonball Z (In their original mint condition box directly from Funamation) , Every single CD I ever owned , My guitire pick given to me by James "Munkey" Shaffer former member of KoRn , about $200 worth of clothes and misc other accesories...... and worse of all ....HEAD....if you don't know about HEAD.....ask me ....... but I did emerge from this with one thing intact ..... I regained my sanity , I got my manhood back ..... and my pride and honor are worth more to me that all those things combined.

I am trully thankfull I am out of that now , I have my life back and I found my smile ..... my freindship with Ian never wained one bit and were still the best of buds (and that Bitch can't keep a freind to save her nasty ass) ..... I have now a few items again , for one this computer I write you on today ..... as well as a few more small things ..... I could move in one duffle bag (And a box for the comp) if I had to ..... that sorry Skunt is about to loose her child to social services cuz she is an unfit mother and cares more about fucking nazi crack heads than taking care of her child ..... GOOD....mabye that was Gwen can have a decent life instead of being fucked up by her mothers anti midas touch.

Well in conclusion I am glad I got alot of that off my chest , I have yet to post any of it out of being a gentelman and all ....but that guy that she knew is dead ..... a shadowy pheonix arose in his place and stands before you this day , no longer full of self hate and loathing .....just full of worldly hatred and disgust at Humanity .....

Ladies and Gentelman TODAY!! is my Independence Day , Let the old Fade and New Reign , FTW One and All!