Reaching the End of the Line
**SIGH**
I'm really conflicted these days , I'm such a miriad of emotion ..... I am so releaved and happy that my mom is now ok , her heart is doing well and she is in great spirits ..... but on the same token this has made me really take a look at my life and think of a few things that trully upset me deeply. I know alot of people that may read this will now go "Oh God No ...Not Another Melodramatic Journal Entry by Clay...." well , sadly thats excatly how I feel right now ..... kinda bland , sorta like a mixture of Depression and Just being plan old worn the hell out.
I have thought alot about mortality latley as I have been in and out of hospitals and ER's with my mom's heart problems ...... and I realized a few things ....
I'm not happy , I am but I'm not ...it's and hard to explain ...... I am happy to be alive now and I'm no longer suicidal and drug/alchol dependent ..... but I have just recently came to grips with a few things I either never noticed .... or decided to ignore.
#1 - Look at me .... I wish I could include a picture but trust me all of you are alot better off without one ..... I just caught a look at myself today and it finally sunk in ...... I'm really fucking Ugly o.o;; .... not in that Creature from the Black Lagoon way ....but more in the Grungy , Glasses Wearing , Hairy As Fuck , Fat as Hell kinda way ..... I mean god ...what happend to me ...... this I see in the mirror can't be me ..... it's not the me I remember ...but it's the one that stares back at me .....
A breif rundown of myself ,
Medium Length Black Hair
Glasses
Full Goatee
Body is Coverd in patches of black hair , looks like god damned fur
Height is 6'31/2 pretty much 6'4
Weight is near 300 lbs .....
300 FUCKING POUNDS ..... I'm only 24 years old for christs sake ..... I already have knee problems , issues with my right ankle and right wrist , back problems , neck problems , constant headaches , bad eyes , and only one good working lung.
Now granted most of that is from my days of Backyard Wrestling and Martial Arts training ...... I mean see my info bio for more on that ...... But the near 300 lbs bothers me .... and I don't even know how it happend ....I rairly eat , mabye one meal in a day ..... I don't eat sweets hardly at all ..... I eat a ton of vegatbles when I do eat ....but this large gob of flab just won't GO THE FUCK AWAY!!
Now is the time to start laughing at me ...... I'll give you all 15 seconds to make fun of me
Now thats done , my other beefs .....
What the hell is wrong with me? ..... As I said I'm 24 ....and living at my damn moms house ....... sleeping in the living room on a single mattress I bought for $5 ....... No matter how hard I look for work I cannot seem to get it , I have had a few interviews latley and then BOOM .... never a call back ..... and the topper , the single most embarasing and degrading thing of all ..... I can't drive .... I have not ever gotten a drivers license ...... I never even tried ...... no one was willing to teach me .... so I just quite caring ......
I've not been laid in WAY to long ...... I know thats TMI but I thought I'd give you all more to laugh about ..... that and something more to feel better about ...... everywhere I turn around I hear or read "We've been fuckin so much we're damn near exhausted" .... or ..... "Our sex life is great , my *INSERT SEX ORGAN HERE* hurts from it"
I am glad that others are doing so well ....but some of us are lonley as fuck .....
I have no real freinds anymore ..... I've got Ian and Thomas ..... and I never see either of them ...... and folks like Amber , Yo , BlueJaey and J have all pretty much forgotten me .... I mean they will message every now and then but then I'll not hear from them for months ..... I look at my LJ and see my freinds list .... and it makes me cry ..... but so does alot these days .....
I mean I remember when I had a tight nit group of freinds ..... all have pretty much disperced ....
And I guess alot of this online freindship thing I am so up about is a pipe dream ..... I mean whats to tell me that there not sitting with there boyfreind'girlfreind and laughing at my expense at the chaos in my life ...... I know it's not likley , I'm really paranoid.
**SIGHS** Well , I know that not a fucking soul will read this ...and if anyone does they will leave a response like "I'm sorry your so down" or "Chin Up , I've Been There" ...... better than nothing I guess .... but for once I ask you all here at LJ to do me this favor ..... if your gonna leave a reply ..... make it a personal one ......
**LOOKS AHEAD INTO TIME ON HIS JOURNAL**
NO COMMENTS
What a shock .....
I'm gonna find a hole to crawl in and die
I'm really conflicted these days , I'm such a miriad of emotion ..... I am so releaved and happy that my mom is now ok , her heart is doing well and she is in great spirits ..... but on the same token this has made me really take a look at my life and think of a few things that trully upset me deeply. I know alot of people that may read this will now go "Oh God No ...Not Another Melodramatic Journal Entry by Clay...." well , sadly thats excatly how I feel right now ..... kinda bland , sorta like a mixture of Depression and Just being plan old worn the hell out.
I have thought alot about mortality latley as I have been in and out of hospitals and ER's with my mom's heart problems ...... and I realized a few things ....
I'm not happy , I am but I'm not ...it's and hard to explain ...... I am happy to be alive now and I'm no longer suicidal and drug/alchol dependent ..... but I have just recently came to grips with a few things I either never noticed .... or decided to ignore.
#1 - Look at me .... I wish I could include a picture but trust me all of you are alot better off without one ..... I just caught a look at myself today and it finally sunk in ...... I'm really fucking Ugly o.o;; .... not in that Creature from the Black Lagoon way ....but more in the Grungy , Glasses Wearing , Hairy As Fuck , Fat as Hell kinda way ..... I mean god ...what happend to me ...... this I see in the mirror can't be me ..... it's not the me I remember ...but it's the one that stares back at me .....
A breif rundown of myself ,
Medium Length Black Hair
Glasses
Full Goatee
Body is Coverd in patches of black hair , looks like god damned fur
Height is 6'31/2 pretty much 6'4
Weight is near 300 lbs .....
300 FUCKING POUNDS ..... I'm only 24 years old for christs sake ..... I already have knee problems , issues with my right ankle and right wrist , back problems , neck problems , constant headaches , bad eyes , and only one good working lung.
Now granted most of that is from my days of Backyard Wrestling and Martial Arts training ...... I mean see my info bio for more on that ...... But the near 300 lbs bothers me .... and I don't even know how it happend ....I rairly eat , mabye one meal in a day ..... I don't eat sweets hardly at all ..... I eat a ton of vegatbles when I do eat ....but this large gob of flab just won't GO THE FUCK AWAY!!
Now is the time to start laughing at me ...... I'll give you all 15 seconds to make fun of me
Now thats done , my other beefs .....
What the hell is wrong with me? ..... As I said I'm 24 ....and living at my damn moms house ....... sleeping in the living room on a single mattress I bought for $5 ....... No matter how hard I look for work I cannot seem to get it , I have had a few interviews latley and then BOOM .... never a call back ..... and the topper , the single most embarasing and degrading thing of all ..... I can't drive .... I have not ever gotten a drivers license ...... I never even tried ...... no one was willing to teach me .... so I just quite caring ......
I've not been laid in WAY to long ...... I know thats TMI but I thought I'd give you all more to laugh about ..... that and something more to feel better about ...... everywhere I turn around I hear or read "We've been fuckin so much we're damn near exhausted" .... or ..... "Our sex life is great , my *INSERT SEX ORGAN HERE* hurts from it"
I am glad that others are doing so well ....but some of us are lonley as fuck .....
I have no real freinds anymore ..... I've got Ian and Thomas ..... and I never see either of them ...... and folks like Amber , Yo , BlueJaey and J have all pretty much forgotten me .... I mean they will message every now and then but then I'll not hear from them for months ..... I look at my LJ and see my freinds list .... and it makes me cry ..... but so does alot these days .....
I mean I remember when I had a tight nit group of freinds ..... all have pretty much disperced ....
And I guess alot of this online freindship thing I am so up about is a pipe dream ..... I mean whats to tell me that there not sitting with there boyfreind'girlfreind and laughing at my expense at the chaos in my life ...... I know it's not likley , I'm really paranoid.
**SIGHS** Well , I know that not a fucking soul will read this ...and if anyone does they will leave a response like "I'm sorry your so down" or "Chin Up , I've Been There" ...... better than nothing I guess .... but for once I ask you all here at LJ to do me this favor ..... if your gonna leave a reply ..... make it a personal one ......
**LOOKS AHEAD INTO TIME ON HIS JOURNAL**
NO COMMENTS
What a shock .....
I'm gonna find a hole to crawl in and die