It's always been there
Being in a spiritually based program for the recovery from alcoholism, there's a necessary amount of discussion about things of spiritual nature. Maybe sometimes, more than a necessary amount of discussion. Maybe though, it's just me.
Lately, I seem to be stumbling on conversations that are about spirituality. I've also been re-reading a book called, "The Spirituality of Imperfection." I'd strongly recomend it to anyone interest in spirituality, in recovery or otherwise. Last night, I was at a meeting and the topic was spiritual experience. My opinions and ideas, have changed somewhat drastically as of late, because of what, to me, was a recent spiritual experience.
I think that some of what's happened to me recently isn't really going to be all that popular with a good percentage of the other people in the recovery community in my area. Being in the South, there can often be some overtones of religious dogma to what is said in meetings where the topic of spirituality is concerned. This isn't something that bothers me too much unless it's pretty blatant. It's a violation of the Traditions, but as my first sponsor was so fond of telling me, "AA needs no police. It's a self cleansiing fellowship." On the other hand, my experience has been one that's been pretty void of any heavy religious influence for my whole life.
I keep going back to it, but it's something that has shaped me in so many ways so quickly that I can only think that it's been a true spiritual experience. I recently had the revelation that I'm not an intrinsically bad person, that I wasn't born and destined to be bad for my whole life. Really, much of the revelation that I've had is the opposite. I've always been a good person who just let all of that "worldly clamor" convince me that the things I always believed to be right would be ineffective, and I'm not one to offer myself up for martyrdom at the drop of a hat.
What I'm coming to understand is that what I really found was not anything having to do with me being a good or bad person, and really probably not having anything to do with my beliefs or values. What I found was what I guess can be called what a Higher Power gave me from the beginning or if you like, the God in me. I don't know that I can so much say that I found it, so much as uncovered it. It was always there, but it was covered up by all of the other shit that I picked up along the way, the worldly clamor, if you will. It's what a Higher Power gave to me long before I could think about needing it, wanting it or using it. It's my center, and I think has always been the core of who I am. I made a comment a week or so to someone about acting like the man that I want to be. They responded in telling me that I already am that man, and that's why people respond to me. I think that's the truth and that I've only recently stripped away enough of the bullshit to really have seen any of it.
What I found is honesty, unconditional love, compassion, kindness, tolerance and perseverance have always been true. I say true for a reason. It's not that they were things that I believe in or that are values or are things to be aspired to. They are true to me, the way that the sky is blue, and they always have been. At some point along the way though, I looked around at the world and saw that these things were in precious little quantiity in the world around me and I decided that they must not be true. So, I acted accordingly and tried to fit with what it seemed was supposed to be true. What I didn't know was I can't really act on things that I don't believe to be true with any success because there's a lack of conviction that leads to second guessing, third guessing and a kind of mental gymnastics that only an alcoholic can understand.
What I'm finding now is that those things emanate from someplace within me. I've been asking a Higher Power for things that It gave me from the beginning. I've always had it and they've always come from it, I just never listened or paid any attention. Now to say that I no longer need to ask my Higher Power for anything would seem quite arrogant to many people I'm sure. But at this point, what I've found is that It's given me everything that I need, and It did so long ago. What I need to ask for now is the ability to use it correctly and to be able to give it away to as many people as I can. I've spent my whole life looking for something outside of myself to make that unquiet feeling go away and to make my mind stop assaulting me. I searched my whole life for a cure to a spiritual disease that would come from outside of myself. What I've found is that it was always inside of me. AA gave me a way to uncover it.
I guess it makes sense because the last place that anyone's going to look for God or a Higher Power is within themselves. The passage in the Big Book that says, "Deep down in every child, woman and man is the fundamental idea of God," now makes much more sense. I think this is what I've really found within myself. With this comes a kind of faith that I didn't think would every be possible for me. God or a Higher Power gave this to me long before It knew what, if anything I'd do with it. It had enough love for me to give this to me based on faith. If it's from a Higher Power or God, then those things that emanate from it, unconditional love, tolerance, compassion, kindness and otherwise have to be in keeping with It's will. If I can keep that center within me and keep focused on it, I have nothing to fear. These are the things that I know to be right, the truth. If I work my ass off to keep from getting distracted by that worldly clamor and stay with this thing that God has given me, do what I truly believe to be right because of the feeling I get from that center, I have nothing to fear and I will always be within my Higher Power or God's care, and safe. Everything will be alright, whether I can see that far down the line or not, I have no need to be afraid if I keep those things first in my life at all times.
For the first time in my life, I can trust my own intuition. I can trust that the things I've always wanted to go after in my own life might not be out of my reach, and even if they are, it'll be ok and the journey to trying to achieve them is worth taking whether it ends up as I'd like or not. No matter what path I take in life, it'll be an exercise in learning how to put these principles that I know to be true to use in my life. It really leaves me the freedom to follow my dreams without fear of failure, because if I've put these things first at each step along the way, I've learned better how to use them and that can never end in failure. I can believe in myself and move toward the way that I've always felt I wanted to go with my life without fear. I have been changed on a more fundamental level than I was even aware was available to me. For the first time in my life, I really have nothing to fear. I not only have everything I need to live a good life, but I've always had it. I just didn't know it was there. Now that I do, it's my responsibility to get out there and do what I think I should be doing,, and come back to the fellowship to share those experiences and to help the newcomer find this thing within themselves.
I believe that this is something that we all have within us. It's the thing that makes us human and the thing that makes us all the same. All of the things that we tend to use to keep ourselves separate are all just part of that worldly clamor. I think this is what's at the center of each of us, the essence of who we are. I can't say why anyone else doesn't see it, but that I just covered it up and hid it because I didn't think it was useful. By doing that I was hiding the thing I'd always been looking for. I know that it's there within each of us, and that I just have to look to see it within others and myself. If I can I have a resposibility to try and help others see it within themselves and everyone around us too. I know now why I've had this feeling within me since I was so young that I am supposed to communicate something to other people, this is what it's always been. All of my other ideas were just barely scratching the surface of it, if at all. This though, this is the thing that has been driving me forward for my whole life. It's why I fought so long and hard against everything that I saw that I thought was working at keeping people apart. It's the essence of who I am, and as long as I stick with it and don't get distracted by all of that worldly clamor, I will be ok. I've finally found that there is something witihin me that I can listen to and let guide me.
I've finally found a kind of freedom that I didn't know existed.