Stop Bullshittin'!!!!!
Ah, the community of recovery, what a hornets nest of sickness and the nurturing of it. You know, I love being sober, I love being in recovery, I love what I've been given as a result of this way of life, and even more so that it's given me something that I can give back. At the same time, I am really feeling recently that the contingent of people in the program that aren't really interested in getting better is much larger than I thought. It seems like the population of people that are here for something other than spiritual growth is much bigger than I thought. In looking around and seeing some of the things going on surrounding situations in my own life and the lives of those that I care about, there's a whole lot of bullshittin' goin' on.
I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe what I believe to be spiritual growth isn't what most other people believe it is. Granted, much of what I believe that to be has changed recently, or it's at least gained a much greater depth. The facts aren't changed by that though. I'm seeing a whole lot of people trying to gain what they feel they need from the people in the fellowship, whether it's just attention or it's respect, or love or whatever. There's a whole lot of people not realizing that if their own lives are unmanageable, they sure as shit can't manage anyone elses lives either. There's a line between being concerned and being a busybody. It's turned into a lot of "he said, she said," and worst of all, "they said." I really just don't have time for all of that bullshit. It does kind of upset me some though because it's not really in keeping with what I believe to be a spiritual way of life.
To that end, I've decided that I think it's time to take this whole rigorous honesty thing to an entirely new level and just let it all hang out. I'm really fucking worn out with it all to just tell the truth. Having had a relationship start not long ago, it's all been sliding off of me without much problem. For a second there, I started to get worked up about it, but it's passed very quickly and I've been able to really just let it slide. There's another side to it though. The person that I've started this relationship with isn't having such an easy time of it for a variety of reasons. One of them being that really, the only one of us anyone is saying anything to is her. I have the sneaking suspicion that they all pretty much know that I'm not going to deal with any of it and I'm going to squash it pretty much immediately. I can be accused of a lot of things, but I can't really be accused of being fake. I can't even be fake successfully when I try anymore. So, when I deal with people, the way I feel about them is abundantly clear. Pretenses really just don't fly well with me and I guess that's part of the problem. I'm definitely not out here trying to fit in with the right crowd and make sure that everyone approves of what I'm doing and what not. I'm just really trying to be me, the best me I can be, but me all the same. I think that might just rattle the cage a little bit with people who are really interested in all of that.
I've been very much aware (thanks to my first and current sponsor) that I have a primary purpose for being a part of the fellowship, stay sober and try to help the alcoholic who still suffers to find recovery. I'm here because I feel grateful to those people who really carried the message to me by showing me the example of what it is to practice the principles in all their affairs. The only thing that they asked of me was that I stick around to give that back to someone else. That's why I'm in the program at this point. I'm not here for a social gathiering, a dating service, looking for people to validate my bullshit, or otherwise. I guess what I'm realizing is that there's a lot more people in the program who aren't here for the same reasons that I am. It's dissapointing to realize this at this level. It comes across to me as people doing all of the things that it takes to be in recovery, because they want to be part of the club, and recovery is secondary. That's just not what I'm about at this point, don't think I've ever really been running around trying to get all involved in all of that. To me, it's always been about recovery and getting better. There's nothing that is more important to me and I really feel like the only way I can continue to do that is by continue to try and give away what was so freely given to me.
I'm aware too that given a lot of the recent events in my life, I might be a little sensitve to all of this, so I'm not going all apeshit either. I'm taking all of this as slowly as I can and not rushing into battle with both guns blazing right now. But I am coming to a much deeper understanding of what it is to be rigorously honest, because I think that I'm going to start calling bullshit as soon as someone starts bringing it around me. I don't care if people want to be around and be about some bullshit, but I don't want to have anything to do with it. The BULLSHIT STOPS HERE!!!! I have to talk to my sponsor about all of this I think and get his take on how much I really need to think about anyone elses feelings where this is concerned. To my mind, it's not people's feelings that I have to be all that concerned with, it's their well being and my own that I have to take into account. Maybe the best thing I can do for someone else's well being is to point out the bullshit when I hear it, and if they don't like it, let them not like it. I don't think it's good for anyone's well being to really be all involved with a bunch of bullshit all the time, or ever for that matter. I can tell already that it's not good for my spiritual well being to even just have it going on around me. I don't have to go out and start being some kind of bullshit police, but I can definitely let it be known that if you're dealing with me, it's a bullshit free zone. I'm establishing a ten foot bullshit radius. No bullshit within ten feet of me. "Bullshit alert! Step behind the line, bullshit not tolerated beyond the ten foot line."
This all really makes me a little sad. I guess it has something to do with the ideas I have about what the fellowship can be, and what these spiritual principles can bring not only to the lives of alcoholics, but also to the lives of all those around us. I just feel like so many people are missing out on the kind of freedom and humility that comes from it. The freedom to really be one's self, with no need for approval, no need to try and wrench love, affection, respect or otherwise from the fellowship, is the greatest thing that I've gotten from the fellowship. I can truly be myself now, and not be all wrapped up in what other people think about me, not be wrapped up in the thousand fears that run around my brain because I've established a relationship with a Power greater than myself that wants no more and no less of me than to be myself, the person that it has given me the tools to be. I've never been more free, and now I'm watching from this perspective what happens when that kind of freedom isn't realized or even attempted to be brought to realization. It's dissapointing, sad, and somewhat frightening because I wonder what newcomers are going to get sold on those same ideas, and spend years wrestling with them. God helps us all, for we all are sick people. Please help me to see how I may be helpful to my fellows.