(no subject)
There's a world outside my door. It's so many things to me, contradicitons, paradoxes, so little of it ever really made any sense to me. I've never had a passion for living before, and it's a little strange to me now. All I know is that even though I have a passion for this thing that we do, this message we have to carry, life scares the shit out of me to a lot of degrees. I don't really think I can go out there into the "regular world" and make like I fit in or I live by the same principles it seems the rest of the world is living by.
"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps..." I didn't come to AA looking for twelve golden steps to walk up and find a God of my understanding, but that's what I got. It's changed everything, and I guess to some degree I'm just starting to realize how much it has changed me. I'd never have believed that I would spend time talking about spiritual principles with people, much less struggling to find how it is I can best apply those principles in a life of service. I don't think I can go out into a life where the bottom line is always about the dollar, conversations are centered on what the newest toys are, and how to squeeze as much out of people as one can. I know that world, I've been there. Though these principles could probably help me to be even more effective in those situations, to be a better kind of employee and co-worker, I really just don't think it's in God's will for me to spend my time that way. I get one life, the God of my understanding has given me a second chance to make this life something worth having and leave the world a little better than how I found it. I really don't care about the money anymore. If I can make enough so as not to do harm by what money I don't have and take care of my responsibilities, I'm happy.
What I'm afraid of is that it's come too late and that I'm going to be stuck in a world of profit margins and profit and loss reports, manual labor to put that cash into someones pocket, or sales positions where misleading the customer is strongly encouraged, not selling the truth. I wouldn't care if I was doing manual labor for the rest of my life if I was busting my ass to do something really worth while, making life better for someone who needs it. Needs it, not wants it or just because they can afford it, but becuase they need it. Would I spend my days lifting people out of beds so they can be bathed and their linens changed, yep, without a doubt. Would I spend my time humping lumber around a construction site so that people who don't have homes can have one of their own? Without thinking twice.
I've never been so sure of anything as I am of this. Nothing in my life has ever made more sense to me than the idea that it's God's will for us to spend our time being helpful to others. For me it's not just about practicing these principles in the areas of my life I want to be involved in, but making the things that correspond with these principles what I'm involved in. I see why it's the practicing the principles part that is so hard. It's easy to take an inventory every day, pray and meditate, but to carry the message to the alcoholic still suffers can be a little frustrating because sometimes, it's hard to find one who want's to hear that message and is ready to do something with it.
Practicing the principles in all of my affairs seems to be the thing that I'm running up against right now. Not that I'm at all afraid of what will happen, I'm just having trouble finding the place where I think is right for me to do it. I believe it's God's will for me to really do something with all of my time that's helpful to others. I guess what I'm talking about is a life based on service to God through serving my fellows in the most kind and loving way I can. It's almost crazy to think that a guy like I was would be sitting here talking about trying to find a way to live a life of service to God. It's about making my faith a reality through action, living an example of what I believe is God's will for human beings. What would my life be if the whole thing was about being of service to God? If my professional and private life were dedicated to being helpful to my fellow human beings in the most simple and tangible ways? It's the one thing that seems to make sense to me. Not to say that I'm going to be or try to be some kind of saint. But when it's all said and done I'd like people to look at what I do and see that my faith in a Higher Power was behind most everything I do. I'm struggling to understand how to make a living faith. It's about making my life around spiritual understanding and trying to learn more and get closer to make that relationship with my Higher Power stronger with all of the things that I do.
It's looking to me like a lot of my time in sobriety so far has been spent in trying to live in ways that I knew before and they didn't work because I was already changed, except I didn't realize it, so it didn't feel right. It's almost like my own ignorance of what my Higher Power has done for me was the only thing standing in the way of what would not only work best, but what would bring me closer to It. You might be out there and wondering what kind of shit I'm taking that makes me think I'm all spiritual all of a sudden, but the best I can tell you is that the last couple of months in my life have shown me not only how much my Higher Power is with me each minute, but has been there even when I wasn't aware of it. Really all of this is coming from Gratitude for what's been given me and realizing how true it is that all I need to do is trust my Higher Power, stay close to It and perform It's work well. I did that to the best of my ability before because I felt like I had to.
Now it's really not about just feeling like I had to, it's about feeling like I really want to. It's a feeling like I'm awake in a way I never was before and it's largely not my own doing. Don't get me wrong, I still have my concerns and my worries, I'd be lying to say I didn't. I also think that's part of the point of being human, but it's not like it was before. I really feel like I can get through anything with some serenity, and even learn through it all if I just try and keep close to my Higher Power. That's created a desire to really live my whole life in service to that Power greater than myself which not only brought me back from the gates of insanity and death, but has given me a glimpse of what a life of service can really be like, and what it can do in the longer run. Not just what it can do for me, but what it can do for others. Maybe I'm totally off my fucking rocker, I don't know, it wouldn't be the first time, but I don't think so. Being crazy never felt very good in the past, and I feel like I'm on fucking fire spiritually, mentally and emotionally these days.
I want to run around grabbing as many newcomers as I can and running them through the Steps so that they can start to get a relationship with a God of their understanding too. I don't think there's many things in life I can do which are better than that. But for me I don't want my own spiritual work to just be in AA. When it talks about "a more important demonstration of these principles being in our respective homes and occupations..." I think for me that means making these principles the basis of what I do, not just my way making my way through life without screwing up too badly. But I'm sure I've gone on quite enough already.
"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps..." I didn't come to AA looking for twelve golden steps to walk up and find a God of my understanding, but that's what I got. It's changed everything, and I guess to some degree I'm just starting to realize how much it has changed me. I'd never have believed that I would spend time talking about spiritual principles with people, much less struggling to find how it is I can best apply those principles in a life of service. I don't think I can go out into a life where the bottom line is always about the dollar, conversations are centered on what the newest toys are, and how to squeeze as much out of people as one can. I know that world, I've been there. Though these principles could probably help me to be even more effective in those situations, to be a better kind of employee and co-worker, I really just don't think it's in God's will for me to spend my time that way. I get one life, the God of my understanding has given me a second chance to make this life something worth having and leave the world a little better than how I found it. I really don't care about the money anymore. If I can make enough so as not to do harm by what money I don't have and take care of my responsibilities, I'm happy.
What I'm afraid of is that it's come too late and that I'm going to be stuck in a world of profit margins and profit and loss reports, manual labor to put that cash into someones pocket, or sales positions where misleading the customer is strongly encouraged, not selling the truth. I wouldn't care if I was doing manual labor for the rest of my life if I was busting my ass to do something really worth while, making life better for someone who needs it. Needs it, not wants it or just because they can afford it, but becuase they need it. Would I spend my days lifting people out of beds so they can be bathed and their linens changed, yep, without a doubt. Would I spend my time humping lumber around a construction site so that people who don't have homes can have one of their own? Without thinking twice.
I've never been so sure of anything as I am of this. Nothing in my life has ever made more sense to me than the idea that it's God's will for us to spend our time being helpful to others. For me it's not just about practicing these principles in the areas of my life I want to be involved in, but making the things that correspond with these principles what I'm involved in. I see why it's the practicing the principles part that is so hard. It's easy to take an inventory every day, pray and meditate, but to carry the message to the alcoholic still suffers can be a little frustrating because sometimes, it's hard to find one who want's to hear that message and is ready to do something with it.
Practicing the principles in all of my affairs seems to be the thing that I'm running up against right now. Not that I'm at all afraid of what will happen, I'm just having trouble finding the place where I think is right for me to do it. I believe it's God's will for me to really do something with all of my time that's helpful to others. I guess what I'm talking about is a life based on service to God through serving my fellows in the most kind and loving way I can. It's almost crazy to think that a guy like I was would be sitting here talking about trying to find a way to live a life of service to God. It's about making my faith a reality through action, living an example of what I believe is God's will for human beings. What would my life be if the whole thing was about being of service to God? If my professional and private life were dedicated to being helpful to my fellow human beings in the most simple and tangible ways? It's the one thing that seems to make sense to me. Not to say that I'm going to be or try to be some kind of saint. But when it's all said and done I'd like people to look at what I do and see that my faith in a Higher Power was behind most everything I do. I'm struggling to understand how to make a living faith. It's about making my life around spiritual understanding and trying to learn more and get closer to make that relationship with my Higher Power stronger with all of the things that I do.
It's looking to me like a lot of my time in sobriety so far has been spent in trying to live in ways that I knew before and they didn't work because I was already changed, except I didn't realize it, so it didn't feel right. It's almost like my own ignorance of what my Higher Power has done for me was the only thing standing in the way of what would not only work best, but what would bring me closer to It. You might be out there and wondering what kind of shit I'm taking that makes me think I'm all spiritual all of a sudden, but the best I can tell you is that the last couple of months in my life have shown me not only how much my Higher Power is with me each minute, but has been there even when I wasn't aware of it. Really all of this is coming from Gratitude for what's been given me and realizing how true it is that all I need to do is trust my Higher Power, stay close to It and perform It's work well. I did that to the best of my ability before because I felt like I had to.
Now it's really not about just feeling like I had to, it's about feeling like I really want to. It's a feeling like I'm awake in a way I never was before and it's largely not my own doing. Don't get me wrong, I still have my concerns and my worries, I'd be lying to say I didn't. I also think that's part of the point of being human, but it's not like it was before. I really feel like I can get through anything with some serenity, and even learn through it all if I just try and keep close to my Higher Power. That's created a desire to really live my whole life in service to that Power greater than myself which not only brought me back from the gates of insanity and death, but has given me a glimpse of what a life of service can really be like, and what it can do in the longer run. Not just what it can do for me, but what it can do for others. Maybe I'm totally off my fucking rocker, I don't know, it wouldn't be the first time, but I don't think so. Being crazy never felt very good in the past, and I feel like I'm on fucking fire spiritually, mentally and emotionally these days.
I want to run around grabbing as many newcomers as I can and running them through the Steps so that they can start to get a relationship with a God of their understanding too. I don't think there's many things in life I can do which are better than that. But for me I don't want my own spiritual work to just be in AA. When it talks about "a more important demonstration of these principles being in our respective homes and occupations..." I think for me that means making these principles the basis of what I do, not just my way making my way through life without screwing up too badly. But I'm sure I've gone on quite enough already.