Time
I wonder sometimes if time is a real thing or if it's just something we hold onto to try and give meaning to things. Do memories really need time frames to still be important? I mean do you remember what the exact dates and times were for most of your most important memories? I sure don't.
It's now, this moment that's the only real thing. Any other ideas about time are just a framework we've created to try and keep records and judgments about things. Yesterday's only important in the context that it has from today, the same with tomorrow. Entire lives can be spent living in the never never land of yesterday and tomorrow without giving any real thought for today. It's like the ultimate jest played on us by our ancestors, a perfect riddle to ensure their place in our memories. How can we ever forget any of them if we really can't ever understand this whole time thing. It's the one thing we can't make, control, find, corral or cojole into correspondence. We defined it, and now it defines us. It plods on no matter what we do, and at the same time, depending on what we do, it's speed can seem to change. It can seem to move faster, slower and occasionally for moments, it can actually seem to stop, but it's all based our how we perceive it.
What makes me wonder about all of this? You might be asking yourself this question. Well, time really makes me wonder, as well as memory. Memories of people who've been important to me and taken away sooner than it seems right for them to be. My great grandmother, my father's sponsor (my third father, along with my biological father, and my stepfather), friends, uncles, relatives, gone, but not forgotten, but still only in the past. Cancer, ugh. A bane on human existence, maybe the price tag for putting progress in profit and comfort before progress in humanism. Maybe it's the built in time clock for humanity's reign here. Maybe it's mother natures way of ensuring we don't overwhelm the planet's resources too quickly. I mean really are there many other types of medical conditions we've made so little progress with in the time we've been not only battling them, but also advancing technologically. I don't know. Really, I've lost much of my faith in the scientific world because they can be so unscientific about the things they don't see as science. At least these days, the psychological community is starting to realize there's some real benefits people get from prayer and faith. Most of science is so busy trying to prove they're right about things as they want to see them, they don't take much else into account. Not to mention the whole "Frankentein syndrome" in which we only ask whether we can do something and never bother to think about whether we should. But that's a whole other can of beans.
All I really know right now is that I'm going with my girlfriend to the doctor tomorrow because she has a lump in her right breast that she's worried about, and apparently her obgyn is too. We were there yesterday and he made her an appointment with a surgeon today. Part of me is real nervous, I wouldn't say scared just yet because there's no real positive answer as to what it is, but it's the possibility of what it is that's making me nervous. If it comes out to be a worst case scenario, yes I will be downright scared. Another part of me trusts in God enough to know that whatever happens that if we both keep turning to Him, we'll get through whatever we have to go through with as much grace and humility as is possible for human beings. I don't see that this is God's fault, it's just not the way my faith works. I think God is here with us now and will be through what ever may come. Whether we make ourselves available to Him is another story altogether.
I've been doing my best to try to not let on that I am nervous about this because at this stage of the game I really think that the best thing I can do for her is to be calm and collected. Tomorrow though could be a really tough one. The toughest part about a lot of this has been that I don't know what to do in a lot of instances. I don't know how to show concern in a way that isn't maudlin or somehow dramatic, I mean I'm an alcoholic, dramatic's my default position. Fuck, wanting to be helpful and not knowing how to be might be worse than not wanting to be helpful at all in situations like this. At least at times when I didn't give a fuck, I didn't give a fuck and there was none of this weird feeling that I get now. It's like I'm sitting there and I think I should do or say a something, but I have no fucking clue what it is. I know I can't make this all just go away, and I know better than to think that something I say is going to make her feel better about any of it, I just don't know what to fucking do. And yes, this all may sound extremely selfish, but this is my journal and if there's one place in the world I can be seflish, it's here.
What the fuck is I'm sorry in a situation like this. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well", it's not like she's got a cold like I have right now. "I'm sorry you're going through that right now", like it's a fucking civil suit or divorce or something. She's 26 years old for God's sake and she's already been through one battle with breast cancer. Now she's staring the possibility of a second in the face and what does anyone do or say about that? "I love you and I'm here for you," even that sounds so hollow to me. "Well that sucks, let me know how that works out," really just doesn't do it either. It's one of those things that seems pretty ridiculous to try and tell somebody they're better off not thinking about until they know more or until they know what to do about. Would it be on my mind constantly? I can imagine it would. It's on my mind a lot and it's not even me that is dealing with it. I've been silent about it for a couple of weeks and I think that tomorrow being the doctors appointment is just really putting the vex on me right now.
And this is where faith has to come in for me. I know this. I can already say that the experience I've had with the God of my understanding tells me that if I keep close to Him and do my best to perform His work well, He will take care of all of my needs. It's not really my needs I'm worried about right now though. It's her needs and the fact that I don't think she feels that closeness with a God of her understanding. Not to mention, I'm a little worried about what either of our needs might become if this doesn't go so well tomorrow. I have faith in my God and the one thing I think can help her most is faith in hers, and I can't do anything to give that to her, and I guess in the long run, that's what worries me most. I know I can keep close to the God of my understanding and keep trying to do the next right thing, because I have nothing but a total faith now days, and that's what keeps me going now. She hasn't cemented hers yet, and it worries me. Nothing comforts me more than faith, nothing gives me more strength. No one can do that for her but her. Fuck, this way of life can sure have it's fucking irony.
Oh and hey, if you know either of us in the real world and she hasn't said anything to you about this, please don't start talking to her about it. I needed to blow off some steam here, and she needs to be allowed to talk about it when she's ready to. Thanks
It's now, this moment that's the only real thing. Any other ideas about time are just a framework we've created to try and keep records and judgments about things. Yesterday's only important in the context that it has from today, the same with tomorrow. Entire lives can be spent living in the never never land of yesterday and tomorrow without giving any real thought for today. It's like the ultimate jest played on us by our ancestors, a perfect riddle to ensure their place in our memories. How can we ever forget any of them if we really can't ever understand this whole time thing. It's the one thing we can't make, control, find, corral or cojole into correspondence. We defined it, and now it defines us. It plods on no matter what we do, and at the same time, depending on what we do, it's speed can seem to change. It can seem to move faster, slower and occasionally for moments, it can actually seem to stop, but it's all based our how we perceive it.
What makes me wonder about all of this? You might be asking yourself this question. Well, time really makes me wonder, as well as memory. Memories of people who've been important to me and taken away sooner than it seems right for them to be. My great grandmother, my father's sponsor (my third father, along with my biological father, and my stepfather), friends, uncles, relatives, gone, but not forgotten, but still only in the past. Cancer, ugh. A bane on human existence, maybe the price tag for putting progress in profit and comfort before progress in humanism. Maybe it's the built in time clock for humanity's reign here. Maybe it's mother natures way of ensuring we don't overwhelm the planet's resources too quickly. I mean really are there many other types of medical conditions we've made so little progress with in the time we've been not only battling them, but also advancing technologically. I don't know. Really, I've lost much of my faith in the scientific world because they can be so unscientific about the things they don't see as science. At least these days, the psychological community is starting to realize there's some real benefits people get from prayer and faith. Most of science is so busy trying to prove they're right about things as they want to see them, they don't take much else into account. Not to mention the whole "Frankentein syndrome" in which we only ask whether we can do something and never bother to think about whether we should. But that's a whole other can of beans.
All I really know right now is that I'm going with my girlfriend to the doctor tomorrow because she has a lump in her right breast that she's worried about, and apparently her obgyn is too. We were there yesterday and he made her an appointment with a surgeon today. Part of me is real nervous, I wouldn't say scared just yet because there's no real positive answer as to what it is, but it's the possibility of what it is that's making me nervous. If it comes out to be a worst case scenario, yes I will be downright scared. Another part of me trusts in God enough to know that whatever happens that if we both keep turning to Him, we'll get through whatever we have to go through with as much grace and humility as is possible for human beings. I don't see that this is God's fault, it's just not the way my faith works. I think God is here with us now and will be through what ever may come. Whether we make ourselves available to Him is another story altogether.
I've been doing my best to try to not let on that I am nervous about this because at this stage of the game I really think that the best thing I can do for her is to be calm and collected. Tomorrow though could be a really tough one. The toughest part about a lot of this has been that I don't know what to do in a lot of instances. I don't know how to show concern in a way that isn't maudlin or somehow dramatic, I mean I'm an alcoholic, dramatic's my default position. Fuck, wanting to be helpful and not knowing how to be might be worse than not wanting to be helpful at all in situations like this. At least at times when I didn't give a fuck, I didn't give a fuck and there was none of this weird feeling that I get now. It's like I'm sitting there and I think I should do or say a something, but I have no fucking clue what it is. I know I can't make this all just go away, and I know better than to think that something I say is going to make her feel better about any of it, I just don't know what to fucking do. And yes, this all may sound extremely selfish, but this is my journal and if there's one place in the world I can be seflish, it's here.
What the fuck is I'm sorry in a situation like this. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well", it's not like she's got a cold like I have right now. "I'm sorry you're going through that right now", like it's a fucking civil suit or divorce or something. She's 26 years old for God's sake and she's already been through one battle with breast cancer. Now she's staring the possibility of a second in the face and what does anyone do or say about that? "I love you and I'm here for you," even that sounds so hollow to me. "Well that sucks, let me know how that works out," really just doesn't do it either. It's one of those things that seems pretty ridiculous to try and tell somebody they're better off not thinking about until they know more or until they know what to do about. Would it be on my mind constantly? I can imagine it would. It's on my mind a lot and it's not even me that is dealing with it. I've been silent about it for a couple of weeks and I think that tomorrow being the doctors appointment is just really putting the vex on me right now.
And this is where faith has to come in for me. I know this. I can already say that the experience I've had with the God of my understanding tells me that if I keep close to Him and do my best to perform His work well, He will take care of all of my needs. It's not really my needs I'm worried about right now though. It's her needs and the fact that I don't think she feels that closeness with a God of her understanding. Not to mention, I'm a little worried about what either of our needs might become if this doesn't go so well tomorrow. I have faith in my God and the one thing I think can help her most is faith in hers, and I can't do anything to give that to her, and I guess in the long run, that's what worries me most. I know I can keep close to the God of my understanding and keep trying to do the next right thing, because I have nothing but a total faith now days, and that's what keeps me going now. She hasn't cemented hers yet, and it worries me. Nothing comforts me more than faith, nothing gives me more strength. No one can do that for her but her. Fuck, this way of life can sure have it's fucking irony.
Oh and hey, if you know either of us in the real world and she hasn't said anything to you about this, please don't start talking to her about it. I needed to blow off some steam here, and she needs to be allowed to talk about it when she's ready to. Thanks