Becoming a Person of Influence - Takeaway Lesson 2: Nurturing
Becoming a Person of Influence - Takeaway Lesson 2: Nurturing
The previous post on this subject talked about integrity and thoughts on how it applies to Peerage in the SCA. This post will introduce the next section of the book which addresses the role of nurturing, faith, listening and understanding in becoming a person of influence. If you will recall from the earlier post for SCA application I mentally replace the phrase “person of influence” with “Peer.”
Before I delve into this next topic it may be helpful to give a big picture look at the concepts in the book as sort of a road map. As a reminder the book that I’m referring to is Becoming a Person of Influence by John C. Maxwell. I read this book for the first time a few months ago and was immediately struck by the applicability of the concepts to Peerage in the SCA in addition to the obvious modern world applications.
Maxwell presents four stages toward becoming a person of influence: Modeling, Motivate, Mentor and Multiply. Modeling integrity is the foundation on which the other stages are built. If you don’t have that solid foundation then the remaining stages are increasingly difficult to achieve.
The way that I see the overall model dovetailing into SCA Peerage is fairly straightforward. Peers or those who strive to be a Peer begin by building a foundation of integrity as presented in the earlier post. The next stage is learning to Motivate others, which will be the primary focus of this post as well as the next few. The next section on Mentoring is directly applicable to Peers that already have students (squires, apprentices, protégés, etc.) or are considering taking students. However, there are many other less formal mentoring relationships within the SCA to which it also applies. For that matter it applies to being a parent and many other roles in which you may find yourself - after all this book was written to application in the modern world. The final stage, Multiplying, is like the end game. It’s what happens when your dependents become people of influence (Peers) in their own right and thus expand upon your sphere of influence.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program: considering the role that nurturing, faith, listening and understanding play in becoming and being a person of influence. I believe that the concept of motivating and ultimately mentoring others are areas of development that are often overlooked in those striving for Peerage. In my opinion we (Peers in general) tend to focus more heavily on prowess at arms, arts/sciences or service while providing less guidance on the specifics of how to become a mentor and a leader. Having said that, I will move on to the real topic of this post!
Nurturing, according to Maxwell, is providing encouragement, recognition, security and hope. Further he identifies the need to be nurtured as a basic need to all people. Clearly one individual can not nurture everyone in his or her life to the same degree, but they can provide some base level to virtually everyone that they encounter.
Perhaps the biggest paradigm shift for many will be the following from page 38:
Many people mistakenly believe that the way to become an influencer is to become an authority figure - correct others’ errors, reveal the weak areas they can’t easily see in themselves, and give so-called constructive criticism. But what clergyman John Knox said more than four hundred years ago [hey - that’s within SCA period!] is still true: “You can not antagonize and influence at the same time.”
I believe that many of us “default” to a strict authority figure model because it’s easier and less risky than actually caring. In order to truly influence someone you have to genuinely care about the individual, which means attaching an emotional element to each such relationship. Perhaps we also look to other others (royalty through the giving of awards, e.g.) to provide the positive feedback while we, as mentors, focus on weaknesses, opportunities for improvement, etc. In any case, I think that the distinction between authority and leadership/mentoring is key and one well worth pondering with regard to Peer/student relationships. In my view authority dictates roles of dominance and subordiance. Authority tells someone who they are to follow. Leadership leaves the choice of following up to others. If they don't follow, then you aren't really leading. It is certainly possible, and in some cases totally appropriate, to have both authority and be a leader - look to some of the more noteable military leaders throughout history.
Another aspect of the relationship is the premise that “If you nurture others but allow them to become dependent on you, you’re really hurting them, not helping them.” (page 39) You will notice that I specifically avoided the term “dependent” in my reference to Peer/Student relationships above. It’s worth cautioning to not let the use of term “dependent” become a self-fulfilling prophecy within relationships. While my protégés are included in my household and we share what resources we can with them it is never my intent that they become dependent upon me/us!
Here are some of the pearls that I found in this section of the book:
- “Your goal [in being an influencer] is others’ growth and independence.” [Note that there are no limitations on this such as “as long as they don’t achieve more than me”]
- Focus on giving rather than getting, specifically love, respect, sense of security, recognition, and encouragement.
- “Everyone needs to feel valued.”
- “Where love focuses on giving to others, respect shows a willingness to receive from them. Respect acknowledges another person’s ability or potential to contribute.” Both are needed for a mentoring relationship to thrive.
- William A. Ward said “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.”
- “Just as encouragement makes others want to follow you, withholding praise and encouragement has the opposite effect.”
Those that you are influencing receive: positive self-worth, sense of belonging, perspective, feeling of significance, and hope.- “…self-esteem is the most significant key to a person’s behavior.”
- “If you desire to become a better nurturer of people, develop an other-person mind-set. Look for ways to include others.”
- “For most people, it’s not what they are that holds them back. It’s what they think they’re not.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he already were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he could be.” [Hmmm…reminds me of something in the Known World Handbook that talks about treating your equals as your superiors…]
Pages 54 and 55 has this list entitled “How to become a natural nurturer”:
- Commit to them.
- Believe in them.
- Be accessible to them.
- Give with no strings attached.
- Give them opportunities.
- Lift them to a higher level.
Trying to have a positive impact on the lives of my protégés and family is one challenge. Trying to achieve this with others that are in my life is perhaps just as challenging but for very different reasons. Clearly it wouldn’t be appropriate to have the same impact on the lives of everyone who comes into my life as I have on my family (biological and SCA) as well as my protégés. So finding balance is crucial. Maybe a big part of influencing the masses is accomplished by being a role model rather than attempting to have a deep, meaningful relationship with everyone on the planet.
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Looking to my own mentoring relationships, both those in which I am the mentor and those in which I am being mentored, I can see opportunities for improvement. Being able to more clearly express what I need from my mentors will certainly benefit those relationships. Being able to better meet the emotional needs of those that I mentor can only have a positive impact as well. However, I think that the biggest take away is that by applying these principles I will be better preparing those that I mentor to ultimately become mentors and leaders in their own right. After all the goal as I see it isn’t just to have protégés who do good service but to help each of my protégés become the best person that each of them can be, possibly resulting in recognition as a Peer within the SCA.
On a personal level perhaps the most eye-opening realization was the kick in the seat of the pants with regard to availability. I have two protégés with whom I have had fairly long Peer/student relationships. We have fallen into a relatively comfortable rut which needs to be reassessed. Additionally I have a relatively new protégé, although I have know her for many years. I made the mistake of starting that relationship off in the same comfy rut as I have with the other two. Needless to say she quickly told me that she needed “more.” After some initial digestion of this section of the book I have a much better idea of what “more” means. Now I just have to figure out how best to give it. And how to get the other relationships out of that comfy rut.