[Naruto fanfic] Haku: The Ultimate Fight We've All Been Waiting For
Title: Haku: The Ultimate Fight We've All Been Waiting For (crack)
Author:
dame_batsie
Characters: Haku, Neji, and a surprise character
Rating: G
Word count: 747
Summary: Haku and Neji have an argument about who is the superior clan.
Haku: The Ultimate Fight We've All Been Waiting For
One morning, a young pretty girl...er...boy was picking herbs in the forest. The wind gently breezed through Haku's long black hair and the sun caressed his perfect white skin. Enough to make him irresistable to all around him. And he was. A brown bird landed on his shoulder. Their eyes met, and it smiled back at him.
A male's voice from the distance called, "Where are you? Why did you run away from me?"
Haku continued to do his picking. He heard footsteps rapidly approaching him. Haku turned around and stared into the unusually white eyes of the dark-haired boy in front of him.
"Hey, that's my bird!" Neji pointed his finger at the bird that was still on Haku's shoulder.
"Excuse me?"
"I mean.....what are you doing in my training spot?"
Haku looked the stranger up and down. "You must be a Hyuuga," he said, "so you have an advanced bloodline like me. Yours is one of the strongest in the Leaf Village. Now that we have met...." Haku stood up and looked him squarely in the eye.
Neji understood the challenge and got in a fighting stance.
"....how do you guys keep your hair smooth and shiny all the time?" Haku finished.
Baffled, Neji lowered his arms. "Don't you girls have more important things to worry about other than our hair?"
"I'm not a girl," replied Haku rather quickly. "You have insulted me. But you are right. I shouldn't care about your hair. Because my hair is better than yours!!"
Anger flooded Neji. People can make fun of his swastika or of his being in the Branch family or even of his gay strappies, but they could NOT mock his hair! Anyone who committed this crime would be told off.
"What?! I'll have you know that my clan uses a special pH-balanced formula that keeps our hair soft and shiny, as well as retain moisture in the scalp! We have developed, in our labs, specific enzymes that increase shine and restore luster, and also works as a volumizer. It's of a more superior quality than the stuff YOU'D get in stores. Don't compare your crap hair to mine! Hmmph!" Neji crossed his arms and looked away.
Haku was equally furious. "You don't know anything! I use a special organic mix of home-grown herbs, essential oils, and natural vitamins on my hair. It's free of synthetics and petrochemicals. See how my hair is glossier and softer than yours? It's all-natural, unlike all of the artificial chemical-and-booster-junk you all put in your hair!"
That was the last straw. Neji, Defender of Chemically-Enhanced Hyuuga Shampoos, charged forward at Haku, Spokesman of Organic Herbal Synthetic-Free Shampoos. Bloodlines were about to clash.....
"Don't waste your time," a deep monotonous voice spoke. The boys stopped and turned towards the cloaked stranger.
Itachi stepped into the sunlight. "It's obvious I have the best hair here."
"Yeah, right," said Haku, "Do you use natural products and herbal extracts in your hair?"
"No."
"Do you use coconut oil in your hair?"
"No."
"Do you use any oils in your hair?"
"No."
Said Neji, "Does your family have a special formula shampoo that enhances shine and softens hair 25% more than other brands? Oh, that's right. You don't, because you killed your family off."
"We Uchihas didn't need any of that because we're not full of ourselves and we're not self-absorbed in our appearances. Unlike some of the lesser clans..."
Haku walked up to Itachi. "Then what makes your hair better than ours?"
Itachi looked at the two long-haired boys in front of him. They're probably around Sasuke's age right now....
"It's too difficult for you newly-pubertized little boys to understand."
Neji narrowed his eyes. "You underestimate me."
"There must be a special ingredient you use in your hair, if you're so confident," said Haku, "So, tell us, what is it?"
"I wash my hair in blood...The blood from my victims."
Haku's and Neji's eyes widened in shock.
"Well, I have some business to do. Kisame!" Itachi called.
"Here!" said Kisame as he popped up from a nearby bush.
"Let's go," said Itachi. And off they went, leaving the boys shivering in fear.
"Don't you think you went a little too far with that joke?" asked Kisame as they were hopping away.
"So? The look on their faces was priceless. Though I do see the benefits of that Hyuuga shampoo....it seems like it works, " said Itachi.
Kisame groaned. "What are you thinking now?"
"..."