A Christmas Tale
Title : A Christmas Tale
Author : dalehead
Pairing : Orlijah (VigBean, Karl/Dominic Cooper Eric/OFC guest appearance from Ian McKellen
Rating : R
Summary: This is a pastiche on Season’s Greetings by Alan Ayckbourn, there are definite echoes there, if I’ve quoted Sir Alan then my memory is better than I thought. Pastiche, a nod to one of England’s greatest living playwrights. Which is actually very cheeky.
A/N: This was inspired by it being Orlijah Month but came too late.
“Lij?” Orlando stalked into the kitchen.
“Hey baby,” Lij turned round from the fish he was deboning.
“Will you tell your Uncle to put his cock away. He keeps getting it out and …” he broke off. His husband was laughing.
“It’s not funny, Karl and Dominic will be here soon and no doubt Dominic will be wearing his collar and leash, Christ, just one year it would be good to have a normal Christmas.”
Elijah’s eyebrow arched delicately. “Normal?”
“You know what I mean. Karl and Dominic have that weird life style thing going on, bloody Viggo and Sean are still loved up after a gazillion years together, it does my head in.”
“What the fact that they are still excited by each other, still in love?”
“Oh stop being so fucking poncey, that is not what I mean but with them snogging at every moment, Dominic eating out of a bowl off the floor, Ian’s cock waving about, is it any wonder I yearn for something more boring?” Orlando was beginning to shout.
“When you reach my age young man, you’ll be only too pleased to get your cock out, it’s the only chance I get now no one fancies me.”
“What?” Orlando turned on Ian, Elijah went back to his fish. “We have a whole fucking stream of young men coming to the door, wanting to fuck you or be fucked by you. Remember that Hell’s Angel bloke last year? He locked himself into the fucking bathroom and sobbed himself stupid for hours because you told him he was a one night stand.”
“And,.” Elijah chimed in. Fair play to Orlando, he did have a point. “You made so much noise you kept the kids awake which led to some very embarrassing questions the next day.”
“Well,” Ian conceded. “He was a screamer, I’ll give you that.”
“Do me a favour, don’t bloody well bring any stray men back to our home please.” Orlando said, mollified by Ian’s obvious contrition. “The kids...”
“I’ll not pick up any strays, darling, I’m sorry.” Ian gave them his best all eyes expression of regret. It never failed.
“Go on Ian, bugger off.” Elijah was immune to that look. “Dinner won’t cook itself, if you could get everyone a drink, that would be great.”
~~
“Drinkies everyone,” Ian had opened champagne and was dispensing it to all and sundry. “Karl? Does your boy want a drink?” Dominic was kneeling close to Karl’s side. He was, in view of the presence of small children, clothed, but his collar was clearly visible. He looked up at Karl hopefully.
“Please Master?” He whispered. “This boy...”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Karl,” Ian had no time for all this. “It’s fucking Christmas and I’m getting him a drink, he’ll have to sit on a seat anyway, the children will be down to say good night in a moment. Eric is going to read them a story, I think he’s doing baths and stories tonight.”
“In my lap, boy.” Karl nodded. “He can have a drink, you’re right, it’s Christmas Eve after all.”
Before Ian could make any more disparaging remarks, Viggo came in, Sean by his side, both carrying Christmas decorations. “We’ll decorate the tree after the kids have gone to bed.” Sean put his decs down and went to pick up a glass of champagne.
“Eric,” Ian called up the stairs. “You want drinkies? I got bubbles...” there was a long pause then the unmistakeable sound of a child crying. Eric came half way down the stairs.
“Please stop shouting, I’d just got them off and you’ve just woken them up. Numpty.” He glared at Ian then disappeared.
“Oh dear God,” Ian said to no one in particular. “Anyone would thing Christmas revolves around the brats.”
“It does,” Orlando came in with a tray of nibbles. “Who’d like to lay the table?”
There was a deafening silence. Ian wandered into the living room and turned the TV on. “Oh look, it’s The Sound of Music.”
“We’ll do it,” Viggo held his hand out to Sean. “Coming darling?”
“No fucking over the table,” Orlando said hastily.
“Spoilsport,” Sean retorted, grinning.
“Dominic loves to be fucked over the table.” Karl remarked, his hand resting on Dominic’s crotch.
Orlando wondered what possessed him to put the family though this exquisite form of torture every year. He decided to escape to the kitchen where Elijah was happily cooking dinner. He always spent so much time in the kitchen, he managed to avoid the worse excesses of their guests.
“How’s it going, babe?” He sat down.
“Good, the fish is in the oven, the vegetables are cooking too,” he looked at his husband. “They driving you mad?”
“Of course they are, and we’ve two more days of this.” Orlando groaned. “Next year? You, me, the kids, a hotel, somewhere warm yes?”
“Sweetheart, come September, you’ll want everyone to come to us like you did this year, I bought all those brochures home...”
“Yeah, I know, but in September it seemed like a good idea, I must suffer from amnesia, Lij.”
“That’s what I said to you at the time,” Elijah replied dryly.
“So you’re saying this is all my fault?”
“No, I’m reminding you what you said.”
It appeared it was going to be one of those evenings.
~~
That was fantastic,” Ian sat down in the armchair. “And as the doyenne of the proceedings, I am going to take control of the TV remote, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is on...” Breaking off, Ian had as good as announced he was going to watch it and no one had any say in the matter.
“May we watch too, please?” Dominic plucked at Karl’s sleeve. Karl back handed his boy enough so that Dominic stumbled, more embarrassed than hurt, he dropped his eyes to the floor, a blush spreading over his face and neck.
“Was that really necessary?” Sean asked tersely. “Yes lad, you can watch, and if Karl says any different I’m going to punch his lights out.”
“No violence, dearest, there are children in the house.” Viggo supported Sean in everything apart from his predilection for punching people who upset him or his lover, or even friends as in this case.
“No need for any punching,” Orlando brought in a tray of coffee. “Yes Ian, you can hog the TV, Karl, stop being such a plonker, it’s Christmas after all and Sean, remember? Peace and goodwill to all men.” Orlando was born to keep the peace and Elijah, bringing up the rear, was rather proud of his husband’s ability to diffuse the situation.
“Oh I love this bit,” Ian wasn’t really listening, he was waving his hands in the air. “Young Dominic, you come and sit in my lap, make an old man happy...”
Everyone waited for Karl to blow his top.
Karl didn’t blow his top.
“Nothing inappropriate Ian,” instead Karl warned Ian. “That boy is mine.”
“Oh don’t be so fucking melodramatic,” Ian sniffed. “That boy could walk out on your any time he chose and if you tried to stop him, one or more of his friends would break your legs so stop being a twat and let him give this old man a bit of comfort.”
Laughing Karl held up his hands. “Dear Ian, you have such a way with words.”
Orlando let out breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Karl losing his temper was never a pretty sight. He was quietly concerned about certain elements of Dominic and Karl’s relationship. Some of the bruises that adorned Dominic’s skin scared him. He looked at the boy and bit his lip. He knew how much the two cared for each other. They were as close as he and Lij, it was something Orlando struggled to understand.
Smiling, still a little flushed, Dominic went to sit in Ian’s lap. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as Karl turned to Elijah.
“C’mon Lij, you were going to show me your new toy, let’s go out to the garage yeah?”
“Fuck yes,” Elijah loved to show off his new top of the range car. Orlando had the family vehicle for ferrying the kids around but when he was out on business Elijah drove a Merc that was his pride and joy. He turned to Orlando. “You don’t mind do you?”
“No of course not,” Orlando lied. “You go off and show Karl your darling, we’ll have coffee and watch TV, then I’ll go and sort the presents out. Probably put the stockings on the kids’ bed, oh and don’t forget you’ve got the turkey to prep and put on.”
“Yes dear...” Elijah grinned. “Let’s go Karl, before he finds something else for me to do...”
~~
It was late before Orlando finally to try and go to bed. He was waylaid by Eric.
“I’ve hardly seen you Orli,” he held his hand out. “Don’t go yet.”
“Eric. I’m...” He broke off. “Yeah go on, let’s go and have a cup of tea, in the kitchen.” At least they wouldn’t wake anyone lucky enough to be sleeping.
He led the way through, put the kettle on and reached for mugs. “What tea do you want?”
“Chamomile please,” Eric was watching Orlando. “You’re so lucky...”
“Lucky?” Kettle on, he sat down. “How so?”
“All this, I mean Lij, Freddie and Lily...”
“I know, you think I don’t know that?”
“But I’m more jealous of Elijah.”
“Don’t start all that again, it would never have worked between us, you know that.”
“I know. Wouldn’t have worked between me and Sean either, would it?”
“Nope.”
“Nor me and Karl.”
“Fuck no.”
“What about Dominic?”
“Christ Eric, he sat with me while I did the stockings, he’s eaten damn near a whole Stilton and he could talk the hind leg off a donkey, he’d drive you nuts.”
“But I’m lonely.”
“I know, sweetheart.” The kettle was kettling, Orlando stood up to make the tea. “But there’s someone out there.”
“I dated a woman, a nurse called Rosie, she wants us … she wants us to get married...”
“Fucking hell.” Orlando brought the tea to the table. “I thought you were...”
“So did I but it appears I can get it up for a woman and she wants kids. I want kids too.”
“Oh sweetheart...” Orlando’s heart ached for his friend.
“And I don’t want to do it on my own, I want to do it with a partner.”
“But you’re gay.”
“I can’t find a man. Rosie is sweet. We get on. She rides a huge Harley, she is nuts about football and to be honest, she blows me as well as you ever did.”
“Is that an insult?” Orlando laughed.
“Nah, but she’s good, she wants kids and we get on really well, Orlando I’m desperate for a family before I’m too old to enjoy them. Is that such a bad thing?”
“No of course not, but don’t mention in front of Ian, we’ll never hear the last of it.”
“We had an affair, Ian and me.”
“Eh?”
“Yeah, but he’s got the morals of an alley cat and he cheated on me left, right and centre.”
“Oh.”
“And he’s too old to want kids. So I think it was for the best really.”
“Oh Eric...”
“Your two are gorgeous. Lily wouldn’t go to sleep until I sung to her, she wanted Lij but he was doing dinner.”
“She’s a real Lijah’s girl.”
“So what should I do? Should I throw my lot in with Rosie, or should I hang out for Mr Right.”
“You know I can’t answer that for you but if you do decide that’s what you want, you’ll be as welcome in this house as you are now. And so will Rosie.”
“Thanks Orlando, that means a lot to me.”
Orlando yawned. “You’re welcome, love. And how’s work? Okay?”
“Too busy really, I’m snowed under, I need a mechanic.” Eric sipped his tea.
“Well there’s plenty of people out there looking for a job.”
“Yeah I know, I wondered if I should ask Karl, he’s lost his job, Dominic is keeping them both.”
“You’re shitting me...” Orlando gasped.
“No, I’m not, so what do you think?”
“I think if you fuck about with Karl, Dominic will kill you.”
Eric laughed. “Don’t be daft, he’s a pussy cat.”
“Um no he isn’t. He’s got a black belt in jujitsu, karate and he kick boxes three times a week. I see him at the gym.”
“Now you’re shitting me.” Eric grinned. “Orlando, I need a mechanic, we’ve got so many orders I won’t have time to make babies if I don’t get some help soon.”
“Go for it then.” Orlando yawned. He was exhausted.
“Am I interrupting anything?” Elijah walked in. He did not look best pleased.
“Hey babe, I was just coming up,” Orlando yawned yet again.
“Its my fault, Lij, I was telling him about my forthcoming marriage.”
Elijah relaxed visibly. “Marriage? To whom?”
“Long story,” Orlando interrupted. “I’ll tell you when we get to bed, Eric, please, let us go now yes? The kids will be up for their stockings soon...”
“Oh god, sorry guys, of course, look is it okay if Rosie comes over tomorrow, after dinner, to meet you all?”
“Who the hell is Rosie?” Poor Elijah was beginning to look terribly confused.
“Tell you later,” Orlando took his hand and begun to lead him upstairs. “In bed.”
Laughing Eric switched the lights off and followed them.
~~
“The rule is,” Orlando spoke between gritted teeth. “No heavy petting in front of the kids, no naked kneeling, hell no kneeling at all, it wasn’t rocket science. Now Lily wants to know why Uncle Sean and Uncle Viggo can’t have a chair each and Freddie asked me why Uncle Dominic is eating his dinner off Uncle Karl’s shoes. For fuck’s sake...”
They all had the grace to look sheepish. Apart from Ian who was sitting asleep in his chair, fast asleep and snoring gently.
“Orlando,” Elijah intervened. “Why don’t you take our children for a walk, you look all in.” The assembled company looked more than sheepish, they looked warily at Lij.
“Want I should come with you?” Eric asked. He didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire.
“Yes, you go with him.” Elijah agreed. After he and Orlando had made long sweet love together, they’d had a long talk about Eric and how he was no longer in love with his ex, how he was about to get married to an actual woman. Now Elijah was anxious to make their other friends understand that anyone who upset the children, and by extension, Orlando, well that person was likely to get the rough edge of Elijah’s tongue. Of course, Elijah might have looked like an angel but once roused he was a force to be reckoned with.
“We’re out of here,” Eric was up and running. He was grabbing coats and wellies, calling the children who recognised when Daddy was upset and would have been happy to watch him lose his temper in defence of their Dad.
There was no chance of their being allowed to listen, barely had the door slammed when Elijah begun his rant. Oh he was on fine form. His command of the English language made him articulate very, very clearly how upset he was that the offending couples had disturbed Orlando, stressed him out and put a dampener on their Christmas. He proceeded to deliver a lecture that took the metaphorical skin off their backs.
“Are we clear?” Elijah asked coolly.
Everyone mumbled that they were, indeed, very clear.
Ian snored and opened his eyes. “Did someone mention a cup of tea?”
~~
“Oh look, Mary Poppins is on,” Ian was still perky.
“Go on then,” Elijah smiled. “Orlando’s making turkey sandwiches, anyone hungry?”
“I am never going to eat again, not ever.” Sean and Viggo were laying stretched out on the couch, entwined but crotches apart enough so Elijah could pass a copy of the Karma Sutra between them. If he wanted to. Sean had packed away so much dinner, no one responded.
“I could eat a cold turkey sandwich with mayo and salad.” Viggo said.
“Me too.” Dominic was playing with his new laptop. He was fully clothed, not even wearing his collar. Karl smiled at him from his seat at the table where he was working on a very complicated jigsaw puzzle of Michelangelo’s statue of David.
“I could eat a cold sausage,” Sean remarked, lifting his head. “Maybe some of those sausage rolls Orlando made for the kids.”
“You’d take the food out of my children's mouths?” Orlando was laughing as he brought in yet another tray of food. “Sandwich on brown with salad and mayo for you Vig, Dom and Karl, a plate of sausage rolls for you Sean, tea for you Ian and for Elijah...” He grinned.
“Later, you can feed me later,” Elijah laughed. “And thank you guys, thank you for... “ he paused. “For not behaving badly.”
“We’re not entirely without respect for you and your family,” Ian looked up from the TV screen. “Honestly darling, you’re becoming, dare I say it, just a little narrow minded, a little Daily Mail about all this.”
Orlando was beginning to lose his temper. Unlike Elijah, he didn’t blow, he went cold and icy and utterly cutting.
“Well thank you, Ian. You’re absolutely right and we should introduce Freddie and Lily to group sex, Master slave relationships and naked frottage before they’ve started school and hey, when they talk to their little friends at nursery, you can defend us in court when social services try and prove we’re unfit parents because our children can graphically describe how two men fuck. But hey, at least we’ll be really liberal and that’s what counts isn’t it?”
The atmosphere was charged. Ian looked at Orlando, and the assembled company waited for him to rip Orlando to flinders.
“I take your point,” Ian replied quietly. “Forgive me, I was forgetting you don’t live in London, forgetting what a repressive culture we still live in.”
“We warned everyone before they came, we warned them that since the twinnies were older, there were certain rules in place.” Orlando spoke just as quietly. “You’re our friends, we love you, but I love our children more, you know...”
“We love them more.” Elijah took the second tray from Orlando and put it down. “C’mon, it’s Christmas Day, let’s chillax, enjoy the rest of the day. Eric and Rosie are doing baths and stories, we’ve got Dominic’s latest movie to watch once they’re asleep.”
“It’s called Big Dick Whittington and I get fucked by the back end of a pantomime horse.” Dominic piped up. “It’s Karl’s favourite bit.”
“Oh no it isn’t...” Karl was grinning so sweetly, Dominic was forced to abandon his computer and go over for a kiss. “I love you.” Karl murmured.
Ian smiled. “Peace reigns once more, darling, so now can we have a bit of hush while we all listen to Dame Julie.”
~~
It was the sound of breaking glass that woke Orlando. Nothing of course would wake Lij who could sleep anywhere, through anything. Grabbing his slippers and a dressing gown, he tiptoed downstairs, where he found Eric and Karl scrabbling amongst the remnants of a broken wine glass and Rosie, arms folded and looking thoroughly hacked off.
“What’s going on here?” He hissed. “You wake the kids and you’re...”
“They won’t wake, they’re like Lij, they can sleep through anything.” Karl retorted. He looked at his thumb. “Damn, look, blood...”
“Quick Rosie,” Eric forgot to speak quietly. “He’ll faint, he can’t stand the sight of his own blood.”
As if on cue, Karl’s face drained of colour and he begun to sway gently. “I don’t feel too good...”
There was a split second where no one moved then too late, Orlando and Eric reached for Karl just a little too late and he hit the floor with a thud.
“Get the first aid kid,” Rosie was the first to reach him. “Go on...”
“What’s going on here...” Viggo arrived on the scene. “Oh my god, Karl...”
“It’s okay, he’s fainted, he’s fine.” Rosie took the box from Eric, found a plaster and put it on Karl’s finger. “He’s coming round.”
“What happened...” Karl sat up. “I feel a bit sick.”
“You fainted, no need to worry, Orlando? Get him a glass of water.”
She shook her head. “And someone needs to get this glass cleared up before the children are up.”
“Good point,” Orlando went in search of the dustpan and brush. He couldn’t start vacuuming in the middle of the night. Still puzzled as to what precipitated this chain of events, he went back to the kitchen. To his surprise, he found Elijah making tea.
“Lij?”
“I woke up and you weren’t there, I thought...”
“Thought what?”
“Nothing, c’mere.” He held out his hand to Orlando.
“What?” Orlando went to him, wrapping his arms around him.
“I love you, Orlando, very much. I love our life here, the kids, well all of it.”
“But?”
“No buts, sweetheart, I just wanted to tell you, it’s been like Piccadilly Circus out there and I haven’t given you this.” He fished a small black box out of his pocket.
“For me?” Orlando took it, opened it. “Oh Lij,” he murmured and leaned over for a kiss.
“What’s going on?” Sean came into the kitchen. “Vig’s not in bed, you two are making out in the kitchen and Karl is sitting on the couch looking like shit.”
“Well what do you expect?” Orlando retorted. “It’s Christmas.”
“Good point, I’ll have a cup of tea too. please.” Sean sat down. “Have you got anything to eat? I’m a bit peckish.”
“You can’t be hungry,” Viggo came in, sitting down next to Sean. “Tea for me too, please Elijah.”
“Toast?” Elijah went to the freezer and fetched a loaf . “Tea and toast?”
“I’m starving,” Dominic came to sit down. “Good thing you’ve got a table the size of Luxembourg,” he yawned. “If Eric is making a play for Karl, I’m gonna kill him, kay?” He smiled.
“Do you mean that?” Karl and Rosie came in to join the throng.
“No Dominic, if Eric makes a play for Karl, I’m going to kill him.”
“Why are you going to kill me?” Eric asked. “What did I do?”
“Talked to Karl in the middle of the night when no one could see or hear you.” Dominic was smiling but there was something steely about him.
“Karl’s going to be working for me,” Eric was beginning to sound a little terse. Like many big men, he was slow to anger, but when he did blow, it could be quite a thing. “I’m going to be scaling down my hours in a few month, I need a mechanic who can hit the ground running.”
“Were you jealous?” Karl asked Dominic, a small smile dancing on his lips.
“I might have been,” there was the quality of the rabbit caught in the headlight about Dominic. He glanced around. “Can we not discuss it here, not until I’ve had some tea and toast.”
“Oh don’t stop on our account.” Elijah made two large pots of tea and begun putting mugs out. “I could use some entertainment after all the hours I’ve spent in the kitchen. the last couple of days.”
“And considering you interrupted my moment,” Orlando added, turning the toaster on. “Lijah just gave me a pressie,” he waved the black box at them. “I’m going to try it on when we finally get to bed, if we finally get to bed of course.”
His friends had the graced to look a little ashamed of themselves as their hosts made mountains of toast to go with the tea that was now stewing.
“Are you having a party without me?” Ian, resplendent in a blue and white striped nightshirt, the final cog in the wheel, came in. “I’ll be mother,” he elbowed Elijah out of the way.
“Vig and me’ve been talking this over, and we were thinking you should all come to us next year.” Sean announced. “Christmas with us, what do you think?”
“But we always have Christmas here,” Ian objected.
“And let’s be honest, no one cooks turkey like Elijah.” Orlando added.
“An’ if Vig took one of his notions, we’d all be left waiting for dinner while he was distracted by his muse.” Dominic piped up.
“But it’s very kind of you to suggest it,” Rosie added. “Eric and I would love to be with you, but if all goes to plan, we’ll have a very young baby to look.”
“Well you can count me out,” Ian went where angels feared to tread. “It’s all very well for you, you’ve got your love to keep you warm, but when you reach my age, you require the power of a good central heating system and a warm duvet. Last time I stayed with you, I got a bout of the galloping flu.” He dispensed the tea.
“It’s far too early to decide now, let’s talk about it in September.” Orlando put the mound of toast on the table.
“Talking of which,” Elijah had a thought. “We’re going to spend August in Tuscany in the new house, there’s plenty of room, lots of bathrooms, a pool if anyone’s interested.
Orlando groaned silently and switched his best smile on...
Fin
Author : dalehead
Pairing : Orlijah (VigBean, Karl/Dominic Cooper Eric/OFC guest appearance from Ian McKellen
Rating : R
Summary: This is a pastiche on Season’s Greetings by Alan Ayckbourn, there are definite echoes there, if I’ve quoted Sir Alan then my memory is better than I thought. Pastiche, a nod to one of England’s greatest living playwrights. Which is actually very cheeky.
A/N: This was inspired by it being Orlijah Month but came too late.
“Lij?” Orlando stalked into the kitchen.
“Hey baby,” Lij turned round from the fish he was deboning.
“Will you tell your Uncle to put his cock away. He keeps getting it out and …” he broke off. His husband was laughing.
“It’s not funny, Karl and Dominic will be here soon and no doubt Dominic will be wearing his collar and leash, Christ, just one year it would be good to have a normal Christmas.”
Elijah’s eyebrow arched delicately. “Normal?”
“You know what I mean. Karl and Dominic have that weird life style thing going on, bloody Viggo and Sean are still loved up after a gazillion years together, it does my head in.”
“What the fact that they are still excited by each other, still in love?”
“Oh stop being so fucking poncey, that is not what I mean but with them snogging at every moment, Dominic eating out of a bowl off the floor, Ian’s cock waving about, is it any wonder I yearn for something more boring?” Orlando was beginning to shout.
“When you reach my age young man, you’ll be only too pleased to get your cock out, it’s the only chance I get now no one fancies me.”
“What?” Orlando turned on Ian, Elijah went back to his fish. “We have a whole fucking stream of young men coming to the door, wanting to fuck you or be fucked by you. Remember that Hell’s Angel bloke last year? He locked himself into the fucking bathroom and sobbed himself stupid for hours because you told him he was a one night stand.”
“And,.” Elijah chimed in. Fair play to Orlando, he did have a point. “You made so much noise you kept the kids awake which led to some very embarrassing questions the next day.”
“Well,” Ian conceded. “He was a screamer, I’ll give you that.”
“Do me a favour, don’t bloody well bring any stray men back to our home please.” Orlando said, mollified by Ian’s obvious contrition. “The kids...”
“I’ll not pick up any strays, darling, I’m sorry.” Ian gave them his best all eyes expression of regret. It never failed.
“Go on Ian, bugger off.” Elijah was immune to that look. “Dinner won’t cook itself, if you could get everyone a drink, that would be great.”
~~
“Drinkies everyone,” Ian had opened champagne and was dispensing it to all and sundry. “Karl? Does your boy want a drink?” Dominic was kneeling close to Karl’s side. He was, in view of the presence of small children, clothed, but his collar was clearly visible. He looked up at Karl hopefully.
“Please Master?” He whispered. “This boy...”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Karl,” Ian had no time for all this. “It’s fucking Christmas and I’m getting him a drink, he’ll have to sit on a seat anyway, the children will be down to say good night in a moment. Eric is going to read them a story, I think he’s doing baths and stories tonight.”
“In my lap, boy.” Karl nodded. “He can have a drink, you’re right, it’s Christmas Eve after all.”
Before Ian could make any more disparaging remarks, Viggo came in, Sean by his side, both carrying Christmas decorations. “We’ll decorate the tree after the kids have gone to bed.” Sean put his decs down and went to pick up a glass of champagne.
“Eric,” Ian called up the stairs. “You want drinkies? I got bubbles...” there was a long pause then the unmistakeable sound of a child crying. Eric came half way down the stairs.
“Please stop shouting, I’d just got them off and you’ve just woken them up. Numpty.” He glared at Ian then disappeared.
“Oh dear God,” Ian said to no one in particular. “Anyone would thing Christmas revolves around the brats.”
“It does,” Orlando came in with a tray of nibbles. “Who’d like to lay the table?”
There was a deafening silence. Ian wandered into the living room and turned the TV on. “Oh look, it’s The Sound of Music.”
“We’ll do it,” Viggo held his hand out to Sean. “Coming darling?”
“No fucking over the table,” Orlando said hastily.
“Spoilsport,” Sean retorted, grinning.
“Dominic loves to be fucked over the table.” Karl remarked, his hand resting on Dominic’s crotch.
Orlando wondered what possessed him to put the family though this exquisite form of torture every year. He decided to escape to the kitchen where Elijah was happily cooking dinner. He always spent so much time in the kitchen, he managed to avoid the worse excesses of their guests.
“How’s it going, babe?” He sat down.
“Good, the fish is in the oven, the vegetables are cooking too,” he looked at his husband. “They driving you mad?”
“Of course they are, and we’ve two more days of this.” Orlando groaned. “Next year? You, me, the kids, a hotel, somewhere warm yes?”
“Sweetheart, come September, you’ll want everyone to come to us like you did this year, I bought all those brochures home...”
“Yeah, I know, but in September it seemed like a good idea, I must suffer from amnesia, Lij.”
“That’s what I said to you at the time,” Elijah replied dryly.
“So you’re saying this is all my fault?”
“No, I’m reminding you what you said.”
It appeared it was going to be one of those evenings.
~~
That was fantastic,” Ian sat down in the armchair. “And as the doyenne of the proceedings, I am going to take control of the TV remote, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is on...” Breaking off, Ian had as good as announced he was going to watch it and no one had any say in the matter.
“May we watch too, please?” Dominic plucked at Karl’s sleeve. Karl back handed his boy enough so that Dominic stumbled, more embarrassed than hurt, he dropped his eyes to the floor, a blush spreading over his face and neck.
“Was that really necessary?” Sean asked tersely. “Yes lad, you can watch, and if Karl says any different I’m going to punch his lights out.”
“No violence, dearest, there are children in the house.” Viggo supported Sean in everything apart from his predilection for punching people who upset him or his lover, or even friends as in this case.
“No need for any punching,” Orlando brought in a tray of coffee. “Yes Ian, you can hog the TV, Karl, stop being such a plonker, it’s Christmas after all and Sean, remember? Peace and goodwill to all men.” Orlando was born to keep the peace and Elijah, bringing up the rear, was rather proud of his husband’s ability to diffuse the situation.
“Oh I love this bit,” Ian wasn’t really listening, he was waving his hands in the air. “Young Dominic, you come and sit in my lap, make an old man happy...”
Everyone waited for Karl to blow his top.
Karl didn’t blow his top.
“Nothing inappropriate Ian,” instead Karl warned Ian. “That boy is mine.”
“Oh don’t be so fucking melodramatic,” Ian sniffed. “That boy could walk out on your any time he chose and if you tried to stop him, one or more of his friends would break your legs so stop being a twat and let him give this old man a bit of comfort.”
Laughing Karl held up his hands. “Dear Ian, you have such a way with words.”
Orlando let out breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Karl losing his temper was never a pretty sight. He was quietly concerned about certain elements of Dominic and Karl’s relationship. Some of the bruises that adorned Dominic’s skin scared him. He looked at the boy and bit his lip. He knew how much the two cared for each other. They were as close as he and Lij, it was something Orlando struggled to understand.
Smiling, still a little flushed, Dominic went to sit in Ian’s lap. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as Karl turned to Elijah.
“C’mon Lij, you were going to show me your new toy, let’s go out to the garage yeah?”
“Fuck yes,” Elijah loved to show off his new top of the range car. Orlando had the family vehicle for ferrying the kids around but when he was out on business Elijah drove a Merc that was his pride and joy. He turned to Orlando. “You don’t mind do you?”
“No of course not,” Orlando lied. “You go off and show Karl your darling, we’ll have coffee and watch TV, then I’ll go and sort the presents out. Probably put the stockings on the kids’ bed, oh and don’t forget you’ve got the turkey to prep and put on.”
“Yes dear...” Elijah grinned. “Let’s go Karl, before he finds something else for me to do...”
~~
It was late before Orlando finally to try and go to bed. He was waylaid by Eric.
“I’ve hardly seen you Orli,” he held his hand out. “Don’t go yet.”
“Eric. I’m...” He broke off. “Yeah go on, let’s go and have a cup of tea, in the kitchen.” At least they wouldn’t wake anyone lucky enough to be sleeping.
He led the way through, put the kettle on and reached for mugs. “What tea do you want?”
“Chamomile please,” Eric was watching Orlando. “You’re so lucky...”
“Lucky?” Kettle on, he sat down. “How so?”
“All this, I mean Lij, Freddie and Lily...”
“I know, you think I don’t know that?”
“But I’m more jealous of Elijah.”
“Don’t start all that again, it would never have worked between us, you know that.”
“I know. Wouldn’t have worked between me and Sean either, would it?”
“Nope.”
“Nor me and Karl.”
“Fuck no.”
“What about Dominic?”
“Christ Eric, he sat with me while I did the stockings, he’s eaten damn near a whole Stilton and he could talk the hind leg off a donkey, he’d drive you nuts.”
“But I’m lonely.”
“I know, sweetheart.” The kettle was kettling, Orlando stood up to make the tea. “But there’s someone out there.”
“I dated a woman, a nurse called Rosie, she wants us … she wants us to get married...”
“Fucking hell.” Orlando brought the tea to the table. “I thought you were...”
“So did I but it appears I can get it up for a woman and she wants kids. I want kids too.”
“Oh sweetheart...” Orlando’s heart ached for his friend.
“And I don’t want to do it on my own, I want to do it with a partner.”
“But you’re gay.”
“I can’t find a man. Rosie is sweet. We get on. She rides a huge Harley, she is nuts about football and to be honest, she blows me as well as you ever did.”
“Is that an insult?” Orlando laughed.
“Nah, but she’s good, she wants kids and we get on really well, Orlando I’m desperate for a family before I’m too old to enjoy them. Is that such a bad thing?”
“No of course not, but don’t mention in front of Ian, we’ll never hear the last of it.”
“We had an affair, Ian and me.”
“Eh?”
“Yeah, but he’s got the morals of an alley cat and he cheated on me left, right and centre.”
“Oh.”
“And he’s too old to want kids. So I think it was for the best really.”
“Oh Eric...”
“Your two are gorgeous. Lily wouldn’t go to sleep until I sung to her, she wanted Lij but he was doing dinner.”
“She’s a real Lijah’s girl.”
“So what should I do? Should I throw my lot in with Rosie, or should I hang out for Mr Right.”
“You know I can’t answer that for you but if you do decide that’s what you want, you’ll be as welcome in this house as you are now. And so will Rosie.”
“Thanks Orlando, that means a lot to me.”
Orlando yawned. “You’re welcome, love. And how’s work? Okay?”
“Too busy really, I’m snowed under, I need a mechanic.” Eric sipped his tea.
“Well there’s plenty of people out there looking for a job.”
“Yeah I know, I wondered if I should ask Karl, he’s lost his job, Dominic is keeping them both.”
“You’re shitting me...” Orlando gasped.
“No, I’m not, so what do you think?”
“I think if you fuck about with Karl, Dominic will kill you.”
Eric laughed. “Don’t be daft, he’s a pussy cat.”
“Um no he isn’t. He’s got a black belt in jujitsu, karate and he kick boxes three times a week. I see him at the gym.”
“Now you’re shitting me.” Eric grinned. “Orlando, I need a mechanic, we’ve got so many orders I won’t have time to make babies if I don’t get some help soon.”
“Go for it then.” Orlando yawned. He was exhausted.
“Am I interrupting anything?” Elijah walked in. He did not look best pleased.
“Hey babe, I was just coming up,” Orlando yawned yet again.
“Its my fault, Lij, I was telling him about my forthcoming marriage.”
Elijah relaxed visibly. “Marriage? To whom?”
“Long story,” Orlando interrupted. “I’ll tell you when we get to bed, Eric, please, let us go now yes? The kids will be up for their stockings soon...”
“Oh god, sorry guys, of course, look is it okay if Rosie comes over tomorrow, after dinner, to meet you all?”
“Who the hell is Rosie?” Poor Elijah was beginning to look terribly confused.
“Tell you later,” Orlando took his hand and begun to lead him upstairs. “In bed.”
Laughing Eric switched the lights off and followed them.
~~
“The rule is,” Orlando spoke between gritted teeth. “No heavy petting in front of the kids, no naked kneeling, hell no kneeling at all, it wasn’t rocket science. Now Lily wants to know why Uncle Sean and Uncle Viggo can’t have a chair each and Freddie asked me why Uncle Dominic is eating his dinner off Uncle Karl’s shoes. For fuck’s sake...”
They all had the grace to look sheepish. Apart from Ian who was sitting asleep in his chair, fast asleep and snoring gently.
“Orlando,” Elijah intervened. “Why don’t you take our children for a walk, you look all in.” The assembled company looked more than sheepish, they looked warily at Lij.
“Want I should come with you?” Eric asked. He didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire.
“Yes, you go with him.” Elijah agreed. After he and Orlando had made long sweet love together, they’d had a long talk about Eric and how he was no longer in love with his ex, how he was about to get married to an actual woman. Now Elijah was anxious to make their other friends understand that anyone who upset the children, and by extension, Orlando, well that person was likely to get the rough edge of Elijah’s tongue. Of course, Elijah might have looked like an angel but once roused he was a force to be reckoned with.
“We’re out of here,” Eric was up and running. He was grabbing coats and wellies, calling the children who recognised when Daddy was upset and would have been happy to watch him lose his temper in defence of their Dad.
There was no chance of their being allowed to listen, barely had the door slammed when Elijah begun his rant. Oh he was on fine form. His command of the English language made him articulate very, very clearly how upset he was that the offending couples had disturbed Orlando, stressed him out and put a dampener on their Christmas. He proceeded to deliver a lecture that took the metaphorical skin off their backs.
“Are we clear?” Elijah asked coolly.
Everyone mumbled that they were, indeed, very clear.
Ian snored and opened his eyes. “Did someone mention a cup of tea?”
~~
“Oh look, Mary Poppins is on,” Ian was still perky.
“Go on then,” Elijah smiled. “Orlando’s making turkey sandwiches, anyone hungry?”
“I am never going to eat again, not ever.” Sean and Viggo were laying stretched out on the couch, entwined but crotches apart enough so Elijah could pass a copy of the Karma Sutra between them. If he wanted to. Sean had packed away so much dinner, no one responded.
“I could eat a cold turkey sandwich with mayo and salad.” Viggo said.
“Me too.” Dominic was playing with his new laptop. He was fully clothed, not even wearing his collar. Karl smiled at him from his seat at the table where he was working on a very complicated jigsaw puzzle of Michelangelo’s statue of David.
“I could eat a cold sausage,” Sean remarked, lifting his head. “Maybe some of those sausage rolls Orlando made for the kids.”
“You’d take the food out of my children's mouths?” Orlando was laughing as he brought in yet another tray of food. “Sandwich on brown with salad and mayo for you Vig, Dom and Karl, a plate of sausage rolls for you Sean, tea for you Ian and for Elijah...” He grinned.
“Later, you can feed me later,” Elijah laughed. “And thank you guys, thank you for... “ he paused. “For not behaving badly.”
“We’re not entirely without respect for you and your family,” Ian looked up from the TV screen. “Honestly darling, you’re becoming, dare I say it, just a little narrow minded, a little Daily Mail about all this.”
Orlando was beginning to lose his temper. Unlike Elijah, he didn’t blow, he went cold and icy and utterly cutting.
“Well thank you, Ian. You’re absolutely right and we should introduce Freddie and Lily to group sex, Master slave relationships and naked frottage before they’ve started school and hey, when they talk to their little friends at nursery, you can defend us in court when social services try and prove we’re unfit parents because our children can graphically describe how two men fuck. But hey, at least we’ll be really liberal and that’s what counts isn’t it?”
The atmosphere was charged. Ian looked at Orlando, and the assembled company waited for him to rip Orlando to flinders.
“I take your point,” Ian replied quietly. “Forgive me, I was forgetting you don’t live in London, forgetting what a repressive culture we still live in.”
“We warned everyone before they came, we warned them that since the twinnies were older, there were certain rules in place.” Orlando spoke just as quietly. “You’re our friends, we love you, but I love our children more, you know...”
“We love them more.” Elijah took the second tray from Orlando and put it down. “C’mon, it’s Christmas Day, let’s chillax, enjoy the rest of the day. Eric and Rosie are doing baths and stories, we’ve got Dominic’s latest movie to watch once they’re asleep.”
“It’s called Big Dick Whittington and I get fucked by the back end of a pantomime horse.” Dominic piped up. “It’s Karl’s favourite bit.”
“Oh no it isn’t...” Karl was grinning so sweetly, Dominic was forced to abandon his computer and go over for a kiss. “I love you.” Karl murmured.
Ian smiled. “Peace reigns once more, darling, so now can we have a bit of hush while we all listen to Dame Julie.”
~~
It was the sound of breaking glass that woke Orlando. Nothing of course would wake Lij who could sleep anywhere, through anything. Grabbing his slippers and a dressing gown, he tiptoed downstairs, where he found Eric and Karl scrabbling amongst the remnants of a broken wine glass and Rosie, arms folded and looking thoroughly hacked off.
“What’s going on here?” He hissed. “You wake the kids and you’re...”
“They won’t wake, they’re like Lij, they can sleep through anything.” Karl retorted. He looked at his thumb. “Damn, look, blood...”
“Quick Rosie,” Eric forgot to speak quietly. “He’ll faint, he can’t stand the sight of his own blood.”
As if on cue, Karl’s face drained of colour and he begun to sway gently. “I don’t feel too good...”
There was a split second where no one moved then too late, Orlando and Eric reached for Karl just a little too late and he hit the floor with a thud.
“Get the first aid kid,” Rosie was the first to reach him. “Go on...”
“What’s going on here...” Viggo arrived on the scene. “Oh my god, Karl...”
“It’s okay, he’s fainted, he’s fine.” Rosie took the box from Eric, found a plaster and put it on Karl’s finger. “He’s coming round.”
“What happened...” Karl sat up. “I feel a bit sick.”
“You fainted, no need to worry, Orlando? Get him a glass of water.”
She shook her head. “And someone needs to get this glass cleared up before the children are up.”
“Good point,” Orlando went in search of the dustpan and brush. He couldn’t start vacuuming in the middle of the night. Still puzzled as to what precipitated this chain of events, he went back to the kitchen. To his surprise, he found Elijah making tea.
“Lij?”
“I woke up and you weren’t there, I thought...”
“Thought what?”
“Nothing, c’mere.” He held out his hand to Orlando.
“What?” Orlando went to him, wrapping his arms around him.
“I love you, Orlando, very much. I love our life here, the kids, well all of it.”
“But?”
“No buts, sweetheart, I just wanted to tell you, it’s been like Piccadilly Circus out there and I haven’t given you this.” He fished a small black box out of his pocket.
“For me?” Orlando took it, opened it. “Oh Lij,” he murmured and leaned over for a kiss.
“What’s going on?” Sean came into the kitchen. “Vig’s not in bed, you two are making out in the kitchen and Karl is sitting on the couch looking like shit.”
“Well what do you expect?” Orlando retorted. “It’s Christmas.”
“Good point, I’ll have a cup of tea too. please.” Sean sat down. “Have you got anything to eat? I’m a bit peckish.”
“You can’t be hungry,” Viggo came in, sitting down next to Sean. “Tea for me too, please Elijah.”
“Toast?” Elijah went to the freezer and fetched a loaf . “Tea and toast?”
“I’m starving,” Dominic came to sit down. “Good thing you’ve got a table the size of Luxembourg,” he yawned. “If Eric is making a play for Karl, I’m gonna kill him, kay?” He smiled.
“Do you mean that?” Karl and Rosie came in to join the throng.
“No Dominic, if Eric makes a play for Karl, I’m going to kill him.”
“Why are you going to kill me?” Eric asked. “What did I do?”
“Talked to Karl in the middle of the night when no one could see or hear you.” Dominic was smiling but there was something steely about him.
“Karl’s going to be working for me,” Eric was beginning to sound a little terse. Like many big men, he was slow to anger, but when he did blow, it could be quite a thing. “I’m going to be scaling down my hours in a few month, I need a mechanic who can hit the ground running.”
“Were you jealous?” Karl asked Dominic, a small smile dancing on his lips.
“I might have been,” there was the quality of the rabbit caught in the headlight about Dominic. He glanced around. “Can we not discuss it here, not until I’ve had some tea and toast.”
“Oh don’t stop on our account.” Elijah made two large pots of tea and begun putting mugs out. “I could use some entertainment after all the hours I’ve spent in the kitchen. the last couple of days.”
“And considering you interrupted my moment,” Orlando added, turning the toaster on. “Lijah just gave me a pressie,” he waved the black box at them. “I’m going to try it on when we finally get to bed, if we finally get to bed of course.”
His friends had the graced to look a little ashamed of themselves as their hosts made mountains of toast to go with the tea that was now stewing.
“Are you having a party without me?” Ian, resplendent in a blue and white striped nightshirt, the final cog in the wheel, came in. “I’ll be mother,” he elbowed Elijah out of the way.
“Vig and me’ve been talking this over, and we were thinking you should all come to us next year.” Sean announced. “Christmas with us, what do you think?”
“But we always have Christmas here,” Ian objected.
“And let’s be honest, no one cooks turkey like Elijah.” Orlando added.
“An’ if Vig took one of his notions, we’d all be left waiting for dinner while he was distracted by his muse.” Dominic piped up.
“But it’s very kind of you to suggest it,” Rosie added. “Eric and I would love to be with you, but if all goes to plan, we’ll have a very young baby to look.”
“Well you can count me out,” Ian went where angels feared to tread. “It’s all very well for you, you’ve got your love to keep you warm, but when you reach my age, you require the power of a good central heating system and a warm duvet. Last time I stayed with you, I got a bout of the galloping flu.” He dispensed the tea.
“It’s far too early to decide now, let’s talk about it in September.” Orlando put the mound of toast on the table.
“Talking of which,” Elijah had a thought. “We’re going to spend August in Tuscany in the new house, there’s plenty of room, lots of bathrooms, a pool if anyone’s interested.
Orlando groaned silently and switched his best smile on...
Fin