Fix You (Part 2)
Fix you (part 2)
Baekhyun/Chanyeol
PG-13
Warning: character death
The more Baekhyun got closer to Chanyeol, the more Chanyeol would drift away from him.
Part 1
After his talk with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol decided he needed to talk to Baekhyun. He didn't know how severe his condition was, and if he was going to die, Chanyeol wanted to tell Baekhyun how he felt before he did.
So far, Baekhyun had told him that he never asked his patients why they were in the hospital because he didn't need to know that to be able to heal them. Chanyeol had understood and respected that, but he owed it to Baekhyun to tell him the truth.
However, one day when Baekhyun came in, talking animatedly about his college life, Chanyeol wasn't having the best of days.
"And I was late to get on the bus so I had to wait for forty minutes and that just made me late for my Music Appreciation class. I was so mad that by lunch I just didn't want to talk to anyone so I walked-"
Suddenly, everything Baekhyun was saying seemed so trivial to Chanyeol that he exploded. "I'm dying."
Baekhyun stopped mid-sentence, the words dangling in the air between them. He had no words for what Chanyeol just said. "What?" was all that came out.
"I said I'm dying." It really wasn't how Chanyeol had meant to tell him, but he couldn't control his emotions as much as he couldn't control his heart.
Baekhyun stared at him for a long while without blinking. "What do you mean you're dying?"
"I'm dying, okay? What's wrong with you? Don't you get it?" Chanyeol asked harshly, and he sounded like a stranger to his own ears; a monster so fed up and tired of his own life.
Baekhyun stood up and took a piece of paper out of his backpack. "Okay, fine. So you're dying. What do you want me to do? Cry?"
Chanyeol was surprised at his response, but it seemed fit that the only person that ever treated him normally would reply in such a manner. If Chanyeol felt angry, then so would Baekhyun.
Before Chanyeol's emotions could get the best of him and he would end up regretting what he said, Baekhyun shoved the paper in Chanyeol's chest.
"What's this for?" he asked.
"Write down a list of things you want to do before you die," Baekhyun said coolly, detaching himself from any emotion as he sat back down, but his twitching lip gave him away.
Chanyeol looked at the paper in confusion. "What things?"
"I don't know, anything you want to do," he said, and his voice wavered. Baekhyun slapped his hand over his mouth and quickly got up from the chair. "Let me know when you're done writing that list. I'm going to make you finish everything on that list even if it kills me."
Chanyeol couldn't laugh at the irony even if he had found it funny.
*
Chanyeol made a list of twenty things, because ten seemed too little and thirty too much. Baekhyun walked into his room, determined, the next day with a pass from Joonmyun himself to let Chanyeol go out for the day.
"How did you make him give you permission?" Chanyeol asked, sitting at the edge of his bed, already dressed in his normal clothes.
"I have my ways," Baekhyun's smile was as beautiful as before, only more contained, as if he weren't allowing himself to be fully happy. "Okay," Baekhyun said, running his hands through his brown hair. "I have a few rules."
"So do I," Chanyeol said.
Baekhyun smirked. "Fine, you go first."
"You're going to let me do everything in this list. From start to finish, we're not skipping anything. No matter how stupid or irresponsible it is, okay?"
"As long as it doesn't kill you on the spot, then I'm fine with that rule," Baekhyun said. "Anything else?"
Chanyeol looked down at his list where he'd scribbled that rule down hastily. "No, that was it."
"Okay," Baekhyun put his hands on Chanyeol's knees and smiled, a bit fuller this time. "We're not going to talk about death, your condition, your big dumbo ears or anything else that makes me sad until we finish this list."
Chanyeol pursed his lips and shrugged. "Fine."
"And we're going to do everything on this list together." Baekhyun crossed his arms over his chest and stood with such security that it made Chanyeol hopeful. Hopeful that he would be okay without him.
Chanyeol stood up and laughed when Baekhyun backed away from him with a horrified look on his face.
"What?" Chanyeol asked.
"You're just," Baekhyun looked up and shook his head in disbelief. "So tall. What are you five eleven?"
"Six one actually," Chanyeol loomed over Baekhyun and smirked. "What are you? Five four?"
"Shut your face," Baekhyun said, laughing. "Now, tell me what's the first thing on that list."
Chanyeol smiled, his eyes crinkling in excitement, because written in large, slanted english were the words LOTTE WORLD at the top of the page.
*
They spent the morning going on rides Baekhyun hated and eating food that made Chanyeol's stomach bloat, but it was one of the best days of Chanyeol's life.
Baekhyun had the idea of asking for a wheel chair for Chanyeol so that they could wheel up the front of the lines. Baekhyun would exchange a cheeky smile with Chanyeol each time they cut in front of everyone. It made Chanyeol laugh over how excited he was. Surprisingly, Chanyeol felt good throughout the whole day, and he only needed to stop and rest after lunch, which was when his chest pains always started up.
They left the scariest looking ride for the end of the day.
"Don't piss your pants," Chanyeol leaned down to whisper in Baekhyun's ear.
"I won't. I actually love roller coasters. I've just been acting this way to amuse you," Baekhyun said as he shoved Chanyeol towards the ticket holder. They gave the guy their tickets and Baekhyun went to the front of the ride, buckled himself in and gave Chanyeol a smug look. "Come on now, I'm not getting any younger."
Chanyeol sat beside Baekhyun and smiled at him. He was so amazed by Baekhyun, day in and day out, he was always there for him. Chanyeol didn't understand people like that; ones that gave their all to others and were so empathetic and caring like Baekhyun. Who would be there for them? Who was going to be their wall of support? Chanyeol felt so lucky to have met Baekhyun and as he watched him now, nervously bitting his lower lip and looking ahead at the loops and turns of the ride, Chanyeol felt like the luckiest person in the world, even with his circumstance. Because it allowed him to meet the most amazing person. "Thanks, for today," Chanyeol said. "And for everything."
"Yeah, yeah," Baekhyun waved him off, acting cool like he did to mask his feeling. "It's starting."
The roller coaster began rising and Baekhyun's hand slapped around Chanyeol's in a fierce hold.
"Don't let go of my hand," Baekhyun yelled over the gears of the roller coaster.
"I promise, I won't," Chanyeol screamed back, and he ignored the pang in his chest that let him know he would eventually have to let go.
*
Chanyeol was back in his hospital room that afternoon, and the white walls and paper curtains were horribly suffocating compared to the fresh air he was just in.
Baekhyun was soaked because Chanyeol had "accidentally" pushed him into a fountain on their way home after Baekhyun told him he yelled like a girl.
Chanyeol chuckled.
"I'm still angry at you," Baekhyun said sourly. Chanyeol gave him a look that said he didn't expect otherwise.
"Now, what's next on the list," Baekhyun said as he shook his head around like a wet puppy. Chanyeol handed him the list and smiled as Baekhyun's eyes roamed over it and got larger with every written thing.
"This is ridiculous, I'm not letting you do half of the things on this list." Baekhyun said.
"Yes, you are. You promised, angry gremlin." Chanyeol said.
Baekhyun made a face at the nickname and shook his head. "That was before I saw it. I mean, bungee jumping? Getting a tattoo? Are you insane? Not only would the hospital have me lynched for taking you out so much, your mother would surely blame me if something happened to you."
"Nothing's going to happen to me," Chanyeol said. "I'm as solid as a bull," and he slapped his chest to emphasis. "Stop acting like my keeper and fucking don't break your promise."
Baekhyun looked startled, Chanyeol hardly ever cursed in front of him. "Fine Moody Bloomy, but we leave the super dangerous ones for the end. That way we can live through most of them together."
Chanyeol's eyes softened. "Together?"
"Yes," Baekhyun leaned forward and pecked Chanyeol's forehead. He let his lips linger for the smallest moment and his fingers rested at Chanyeol's temple. "Baek and Yeol together forever."
Chanyeol eyes crinkled at the cheesy comment and he wound his arm around Baekhyun's waist, lifting him up onto the bed. Baekhyun settled himself on Chanyeol's side and he threw the blanket over them, their legs barely touching.
"Don't get any ideas," Baekhyun said as he shifted to find a comfortable spot. "I'm only staying because it's an igloo in this room and I'm freezing after you so pleasantly shoved me into that fountain."
"Of course," Chanyeol said, his hand lazily caressing Baekhyun's arm. "My dashing good looks have nothing to do with you wanting to stay in my bed. I wasn't thinking that at all."
"Be quiet," Baekhyun said. He closed his eyes and put his head on Chanyeol's chest, stilling his breathing to hear Chanyeol's heart beating a little faster. "I don't think me being in this proximity to you is too good for your health."
Chanyeol shook his head and threaded his fingers through Baekhyun's still damp hair. "On the contrary, you're amazing for my health." Chanyeol motioned towards the heart monitor. "Those levels are actually considered good for me. Normal almost."
Baekhyun smiled and pushed himself closer to Chanyeol's face. He looked into his eyes and licked his lips. With his voice barely above a whisper, he asked; "what would you do if I kissed you now?"
Chanyeol lowered his face so that they were a mere millimeters away from their lips touching. "Kiss you back," he breathed, letting Baekhyun taste the words.
Baekhyun closed the distance and Chanyeol did just as he said he would.
After a few minutes of tugging and pulling, Chanyeol put his hand on Baekhyun's chest and pushed him away a little.
"Sorry," Baekhyun said, licking his lips. He looked at the monitor and chuckled softly into Chanyeol's neck. "Looks like I'm making your heart excited."
"That's not the only thing you're making excited," Chanyeol said and moved away from Baekhyun, who laughed so wonderfully it made Chanyeol laugh as well.
"What can I say?" Chanyeol asked, tugging at the thin sheets. "I'm a teenage boy. I have needs."
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at him and smiled. "Needs I can't fulfill."
"Who said?" Chanyeol asked, pressing Baekhyun closer to him.
"Well not now," Baekhyun said, and as soon as he did he regretted it because Chanyeol was smirking so evilly he knew he was screwed. Literally.
Baekhyun yawned and curled around Chanyeol's side. "Can we nap for a while? I'm all pooped out from today and all that wheeling you around. You're such a lard ass."
Chanyeol pinched his arm and pulled him closer to his body. He closed his eyes and let his hand rest on Baekhyun's chest, over his heart, that was beating healthily. Chanyeol couldn't remember what that felt like, so he left his hand there and fell asleep counting pulses instead of sheep.
*
"This is so silly," Chanyeol said, motioning at the movie screen and their matching shirts.
"You said you wanted to go on a date," Baekhyun said. He searched for Chanyeol's hand on the arm rest and encircled his fingers around Chanyeol's. "Is this silly?"
Chanyeol made a face. "Yeah, now you've just made the whole thing all gay."
Baekhyun laughed so hard, they received a few looks from the other people at the movie theater. Some gave them strange looks when they saw them holding hands, and others looked away as if they'd just seen something they weren't supposed to.
"I bet they all think we're having SEX," Chanyeol said, screaming the last word.
Baekhyun laughed and shoved him, but then he pulled him back to his body and kissed him so abruptly that it knocked the wind out of Chanyeol.
"What the-"
"Shh," Baekhyun put his index finger to Chanyeol's mouth and smiled. "Enjoy the movie."
The rest of their date consisted of Baekhyun pulling Chanyeol around the mall. They fed each other, mocking the way other couples did it and took those obnoxious photo booth pictures Chanyeol thought were so lame but Baekhyun adored.
"I look like an anime character," Chanyeol pointed out.
"You look hot," Baekhyun said back. He took the row of pictures out of his hand and split them in half. "You keep half, I'll keep the other half."
Chanyeol shrugged and pocketed the pictures, probably folding them when it clearly said you they weren't supposed to be bent. "Now what?" he asked.
Baekhyun looked around and smiled mischievously before taking Chanyeol's arm and leading him towards a tattoo store. "We're going to kill two birds with one stone."
Chanyeol jumped up and down, thoroughly excited for the first time all day. "This is the best date ever. You know that right? You are seriously awesome."
Baekhyun patted himself on the shoulder and pushed aside the curtain of beads.
There was a middle aged woman sitting behind a glass desk that was covered with tattoo drawings and stickers.
"Look, we can get you one of those pretty butterfly stickers," Baekhyun joked.
Chanyeol shook his head fiercely and stuck his chest out. "I'm going to do this for real. And you," he said, sticking his finger in Baekhyun's chest, "are going to get one too because you promised we were going to finish this list together. So, let's look at the books they have over there."
After only a few pages, Baekhyun decided that he hated every single one he saw.
"We should put a little angry gremlin on you," Chanyeol said, eyes laughing. "Or maybe we could get matching ones."
Baekhyun brightened at that idea. "Hey, I like that. That's the smartest thing you've said all day."
Chanyeol ignored him and searched through the books with written letter tattoos. He saw one that caught his eye and smiled slightly. It was from a poem he had read in tenth grade for his Korean class. It amazed him how much it fit the situation. "I'm going to break one of the rules by mentioning something that will make you sad," he said, "but I really want us to get this one."
Baekhyun leaned over and looked at the one Chanyeol was pointing out. He stared at it for a long time and when his eyes met Chanyeol's, he took a deep breath and nodded. He smiled and kissed Chanyeol's hand. "It's absolutely perfect."
Chanyeol felt quite proud of himself as he sat on the tattoo chair. He felt so much like a man he knew he probably would not have a chance to become. He felt independent, the idea of marking his body permanently seeming more freeing than he imagined. He thought having to choose something that would be on his body forever would be hard, even a bit agonizing just thinking about the removal in the future. However, it was more liberating, like taking a deep breath after touching the bottom of the ocean.
"Where's it gonna be?" asked the tattoo artist, a thirty something man with an array of tattoo's of different sizes and colors littered on his body.
Chanyeol looked down at his body and instantly knew the perfect place for it. He opened his shirt and pointed at his chest, on the place right above his heart.
"Wow, that's a pretty nasty scar," the guy said as he prepared his needle and nodded in appreciation.
"Yeah, I want to make it more attractive," Chanyeol said with a laugh.
"Do you want your boyfriend in here?" The man asked, so nonchalantly it took Chanyeol off guard.
"What?" Chanyeol asked, feeling his face flush. "Oh he's not my-"
"Kid, I've been alive more time than you and I can tell when two people are head over heels for each other. Go ahead," he jerked his chin towards the curtain, a small smile playing on his lips.
Chanyeol peaked his head out and beckoned Baekhyun over.
"Come in with me," he said timidly. Baekhyun stood up and took a step forward. Once he was in front of him, Chanyeol opened the curtain, revealing his scar to Baekhyun for the first time. He wasn't afraid of it anymore. He wasn't going to hide himself to Baekhyun. Not now, nor ever.
Baekhyun's eyes widened and he held his hand over the scar. Tentatively, his fingers traced the scar lightly. His words got caught in his throat as he tried to say, "that's-"
"My scar, yeah." Chanyeol took his hand and lead him to the chair. "I'm going to get my tattoo over it."
Baekhyun smiled in agreement, and his smile overpowered his face like it never had before. "I think that is a great idea."
Chanyeol grit his teeth when the needle made contact, but otherwise he kept still and brave through the pain. Once it was done he looked at the red, irritated area and smiled proudly.
In beautiful, cursive letters, were the words: The more I come closer to you/If I have to go.
Baekhyun's came out just as great. Written across his entire chest were the phrases: The more you will drift away from me/Then I will let you go.
*
Chanyeol looked at his list and smiled. He had 10 of the 20 things marked off. Most of the ones still left to do were either impossible or too dangerous. Baekhyun was right after all, Chanyeol wasn't going to be able to do all the things in his list before his surgery.
Baekhyun sat on what had easily become his chair beside Chanyeol. Ever since Chanyeol's mother had to work double hours to pay for the hospital bills, she could hardly visit him in the hospital. Chanyeol demanded that she sleep in their apartment, because he didn't want her getting a bad back from the horrible furniture in the hospital. So now, Baekhyun had become her informer and he made sure Chanyeol ate and exercised his legs once a day.
"So, from 1 to 10, what would you rate the last two weeks?"
Chanyeol recollected all the things they had done, and all the pictures they had taken, and smiled at Baekhyun. "It's been a solid eight, I think."
Baekhyun scoffed. "Che. An eight?" He leaned forward and kissed Chanyeol softly on the lips. His fingers entangled in his long hair and he smiled against his lips. "What about now?"
Chanyeol kissed him back and swiped his tongue over his lips. "An eight and a half."
Baekhyun shoved his shoulder and got into bed beside him. He tangled his legs between Chanyeol's and smiled when Chanyeol kissed the top of his head.
"I love how tiny you are." He chuckled, lips hovering over his forehead.
"I am not tiny," Baekhyun said. "You're just a giant."
"I love how adorable you are," Chanyeol said. "I just want to squish you all the time."
Baekhyun frowned and his index finger started edging out the words on Chanyeol's chest. "If you squish me, you'd kill me because you're a lard ass."
Chanyeol laughed gruffly. "I love you."
Baekhyun's hand stilled. Chanyeol slapped his hand over his mouth. "No-I...I didn't mean to say it like that, I just meant like I love how you are or," Chanyeol racked his brain for a plausible explanation for why he'd say such a stupid thing like that.
"So you don't love me?" Baekhyun asked.
"No, of course I do," Chanyeol said, flustered. "I mean, not of course, but you get what I'm saying, don't you?"
Baekhyun laughed and shook his head. "No, I don't think I do."
"I mean, I love you but I don't LOVE you," Chanyeol passed his hand over his face.
Baekhyun leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you too, Chanyeol."
"What?" Chanyeol asked.
"Well, you're acting like a flustered baby so I have decided to be the responsible adult I am and show you how it's done," Baekhyun kissed him again. "You just have to enunciate like this: I-love-you. See? Easy right?"
Chanyeol smiled. He was so filled with joy he could hardly process Baekhyun teasing him. Baekhyun loved him. That was...Well that was horrible.
"Well, aren't you going to say anything, dude?" Baekhyun asked, getting impatient as Chanyeol stared off into space.
"That's horrible," was all that came out of his lips.
"What is? Me loving you?" Baekhyun asked, and his face crumbled when Chanyeol didn't say anything for a while.
"Yes, it's horrible that I've let this happen. That's it's gotten so out of hand."
"What? What are you talking about?" Baekhyun asked, sitting up as he stared at Chanyeol in confusion.
"This, you and me," he gestured between them. "This should've never happened. I never wanted to hurt you."
"You haven't hurt me. You're hurting me now by not saying it back."
Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun's face. "I'm so sorry I've done this to you."
"Done what?" Baekhyun asked, his eyes narrowing at Chanyeol. "Stop being stupid."
"No, it's all my fault. I let this go too far."
"Shut up," Baekhyun said, he kissed him to try and make him stop. "You're breaking the rules."
"I'm sorry," Chanyeol put his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry, I-"
"Stop it," Baekhyun demanded. "Stop apologizing. I am a capable human being, in control of my emotions. You didn't make me fall in love with you, I chose to. Stop talking bullshit like you feel bad for me. Like I fell in love with a guy that has an expiration date."
"But you did-"
"Shut up," Baekhyun pleaded. "Don't you dare blame yourself for anything. I wanted you, and here you are, I have you. So stop talking about being sorry, because you are not dying. We haven't finished everything on the list remember?"
Chanyeol wiped at a tear on his own face and nodded. Baekhyun may want to kid himself, but Chanyeol couldn't. He didn't have a donor, and if he did, he wouldn't accept the heart at this rate. He was dying, as simple as that. At the age of seventeen, he was dying, and it was no one's fault, but he felt horrible for all the people he made suffer around him. All the people he dragged into this with him. He was so thankful and so unbelievably lucky for the boy he had wiping his tears now.
Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun until his heart monitor started beeping angrily. Baekhyun pulled away and kissed his moist cheeks.
"Let's sleep, okay? I'm really tired." Baekhyun said, and he looked so small and heartbroken that Chanyeol wouldn't dare refuse him.
Baekhyun set his legs over Chanyeol's waist and molded himself to his side almost perfectly. He hummed under his breath until his eyelids began to flutter softly.
"I love you," Chanyeol whispered and kissed his half opened lips. Baekhyun smiled and kissed his chest, right over his heart.
"Ditto."
*
"I found you a donor."
Chanyeol thought he was dreaming when he heard those words coming from Joonmyun. He looked up and into his smiling doctor's face, however Chanyeol couldn't help but frown.
"No! That isn't the face I was expecting to see," Joonmyun said, giving Chanyeol a concerned look. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy my hard work and bribing has paid off?"
"No, yeah I'm happy," Chanyeol tried to smile, he really did, but he'd read that patients rarely survived a second operation, especially if they were in the stage Chanyeol was in, way past any other treatment. He felt like his doctor's hard work had been in vain.
"Good, okay, I'm going to set up a procurement right now and by tonight you could be getting yourself a new heart. You're lucky that I'm so fast I was able to grab it before a hospital in Hongdae that was looking for one too."
"Someone else wants that heart?" Chanyeol asked, his chest tightening but not for physical reasons.
"Yeah, I mean you were much lower on the list until I made a case for you at the last board meeting," Joonmyun smiled to himself. "I couldn't let my favorite patient wait any longer for a new heart."
"I don't want the heart," Chanyeol said suddenly.
Joonmyun looked at him, dumbfounded. "What? What do you mean you don't want the heart? Chanyeol, this isn't a joke, you need this heart or-"
"Or if not I'm going to die?" Chanyeol asked. He looked down at his body, at all the weight he'd lost from the depression that was eating at him, at his practically translucent skin, and at his throbbing feet that looked like they needed to be amputated. He looked at his face on the reflective ceiling and sighed. "I'm going to die either way, Joonmyun, we both know that. I don't want to take someone else's chances at living. If someone is going to put better use to that heart then I can, I want them to have it. I don't deserve it."
Joonmyun scoffed in disbelief. "Chanyeol, of course you deserve it. Besides, this isn't your decision to make. I need to call your mother to confirm the surgery and it'll be done with or without your consent."
Chanyeol sighed, his eyes watering because all he ever did was bring people worry and suffering. He wasn't good for anything except to cause pain.
"I know what you're trying to do," Chanyeol said. "You think you owe me this new heart because of what happened with the first one, but you don't owe me anything."
"It's my job to save my patients," Joonmyun said, chocking up, trying to suppress an unprofessional sob.
"It's your job to save patients that have a chance."
"It's my job to do everything in my power to keep you alive," Joonmyun said, raising his voice like a father reprimanding his son. "It's my job to save you, it's my job to-"
"You're not God, doc," Chanyeol said. He sounded surprisingly calm even though his heart was breaking. "You were the best man I ever met."
"No, don't do that," Joonmyun said, his eyes welled with tears that never spilled, but surely blurred his vision as much as his love for Chanyeol blurred his judgment. "Don't you dare talk in past tense."
"I'm dying, doc. Here where I sit, I feel it coming." Chanyeol said, and the realization made a peaceful sigh escape his lips.
"Then let me do the surgery, please Chanyeol, just let me call your mom and I'll get that heart," Joonmyun regrouped his thoughts and stood straight. "I'm going to do this heart transplant, you hear me?"
"If you do it," Chanyeol said, crossing his arms over his heaving chest. "It's going to be against my wishes, my body will reject the heart and I'm going to die and cause someone else that could've lived a long life to die as well. All because of your selfishness."
Chanyeol knew he was being disrespectful, but he couldn't stand knowing he was taking this heart from someone else, someone who deserved it and would put it to good use.
Joonmyun crumbled onto the chair by Chanyeol's side and put his face in his hands. "What do you want me to do?"
Chanyeol smiled softly. "Give the heart to that other person that needs it, call my mom, and come here and give me a hug."
Joonmyun sat for a long time, not moving or even seemingly breathing, but after a few deep breaths, he stood up and wrapped his arms around Chanyeol's body. His strong frame made Chanyeol feel safe and loved. All along he had been so loved, and so cared for, that now he felt it was his duty to give back some of that love to someone else. Even if it was someone he would never meet.
"Thank you, doc," Chanyeol said. "Thanks for everything. I really...I really love you a lot."
Joonmyun cleared his throat. "I love you too, Chanyeol."
Joonmyun pulled away and went to call Chanyeol's mom. When she arrived she was smiling, so Chanyeol guessed Joonmyun had not told her about the heart offer.
"What is it sweety? Dr. Kim said you wanted to see me?"
"Yeah, come here mom," Chanyeol opened his arms to her.
She stood still for a second and looked around. "What's wrong? You haven't willingly hugged me since you were 12."
Chanyeol motioned her closer and squeezed her tightly. "I know, I was a bastard teenager. I'm sorry for making you suffer so much."
Her small face looked up into his big eyes and she shook her head. "You are my biggest blessing in life, sweet Chanyeollie."
He smiled at the nickname and kissed the top of his mother's head. "I love you, momma."
Her eyes widened at the term and she smiled grandly. "You haven't called me that in years." She kissed his hands. "I love you too, sweetheart."
"Can you sing to me?" He asked. "Like you used to?"
She smiled in content surprise. "You always used to say I was too pitchy to listen to."
"Again, I repeat, I was a bastard child," he said in remorse. He truly felt bad for how he sometimes treated his mother, because of his sickness and just teenage angst in general. "Please sing to me momma."
She smiled and passed her hand over his forehead. She sang his favorite song from when he was a baby. It was the only song that could always put him to sleep. As he heard it now, he faintly remembered being curled in his mother's arms one night. It was a memory he had been told various times over the years. He had heard it so much that he now saw it like a memory in his head, one he actually remembered.
He was probably about five months old and it was always very difficult to get him to sleep. His mother had heard this song at a kindergarten close to their home, so in the desperation of not getting any sleep herself, she decided to sing it to her newborn son. Almost like magic, Chanyeol's eyes had begun to lull as he heard his mother's voice. Every night she would sing the same song, and after a while he only needed the first verse to fall asleep. It was his oldest memory, and also his fondest.
Now, in his hospital room, his eyes started to fall as the song progressed, and he slowly felt himself being pulled into a deep tranquility like he had never felt before.
At the end of the song, his heart monitor sang its final tune.
*
Baekhyun entered Chanyeol's hospital room with a big smile on his face. After much scavenger hunting, he finally found the kids' snacks Chanyeol had wanted. He'd taken the liberty to try a few and they were as amazing as Chanyeol described them.
He inched closer to the bed excitedly and saw Chanyeol sleeping. He looked so peaceful, Baekhyun almost felt bad for disturbing him. Almost.
"Hey, Chanyeol," he said and gave him a small shove. No response. "They were a mother to find, but here they are. You better kiss my feet for all the trouble I went through to get these-"
"Baekhyun?"
Baekhyun turned around to see Joonmyun standing in the doorway. His eyes were bloodshot and he threw a look over Baekhyun's shoulder, towards Chanyeol. Baekhyun turned back around and tried to make the connection between the two. A peacefully sleeping Chanyeol and a distressed surgeon.
Baekhyun dropped the candy from his hands and looked down to see them shaking. He kept his eyes on Chanyeol and noticed his chest wasn't raising and lowering, not even softly like it was doing days before, and his heart monitor was turned off. After breathing heavily for a few seconds, he asked. "When did it happen?"
Joonmyun exhaled a deep sigh that came from the deepest part of his still beating heart. "Last night."
Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol's still body and felt vile rising in his stomach. "Then why is he still here?"
"Baekhyun, we thought you'd want to say goodbye-"
"No!" Baekhyun turned his hands into tight fists. "Why is he still here? Why aren't you doing something? You're just going to stand there? Do something," Baekhyun yelled, his face turning pale.
"Baekhyun, everything there was to do has already been done," Joonmyun exhaled again, this time like a soldier giving up on a fight, choosing surrender at the end of a long war. "He refused the donor we found and I had to give it to another patient."
"He rejected a donor?" Baekhyun asked, and he felt his entire body shaking with anger and anguish.
When Joonmyun nodded his head softly, Baekhyun went to the bed and punched Chanyeol's pillow. "You stupid fool! Who told you to give up so easily? You haven't finished everything on your list. You promised you would finish it." Chanyeol's eyes were closed. "Look at me you selfish asshole. Look at me when I talk to you. How dare you leave me like this?" His voice was growing coarse from yelling. "I hate you, Park Chanyeol. I hate you so much. I hope you-"
With a sob, Baekhyun's knees buckled and he fell with a loud thump to the floor. His first instinct was to curl into himself; to shield himself from the evils of the world and all the damage they could do to him. Much like he would do when he was a child. And he'd press his fingernails into his knees to keep himself from crying. Now, he just clawed at the empty floor, his body shaking with silent sobs. He ignored Joonmyun pulling him up and he clung to the floor like it was his only faithful connection to the world. The ground was safe, no one could literally rip the ground from under him, even though it felt like he'd been stripped of any solid foundation.
This was all a bad dream. He just needed to wait it out and wake up.
*
When Baekhyun woke up it was in his empty apartment. He was shivering so he took a shower and paced around his apartment. The dream-no the nightmare-he had just had really frightened him. He needed to go to the hospital to make sure Chanyeol was alright.
However, halfway there, he felt his phone vibrating. He looked down to see Lay calling. He picked it up without thinking about anything as he got onto the bus.
"Hey," he said hastily. "What is it?"
Lay paused before speaking. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine," Baekhyun said, smiling politely at the old lady that sat across from him. "Why would't I be?"
The line was quiet for a long time. "Baek, Joonmyun told me about what happened to Chanyeol."
"What happened to Chanyeol?" Baekhyun asked impatiently. "God, Lay stop talking in circles."
"Where are you?" He asked. "I'll come be with you."
"Lay, just tell me what happened to Chanyeol," Baekhyun said, getting off the bus on a few stops before the hospital so he could buy Pocky for Chanyeol. Chocolate always cheered him up.
"Baekhyun, did you have a bad dream last night?" Lay asked slowly.
"Yes," Baekhyun said, he took a box of Pocky and some ChocoPies in case Chanyeol was having a 3 or 4 day. "How did you know?"
The line was quiet again. "It wasn't a dream." There was a pause. "Baekhyun, Chanyeol died last night. If you want me to-"
Baekhyun dropped his phone and raced home.
*
Thirty days went by, but for Baekhyun they felt like thirty years. Every day dragged on impossibly slowly and each night had him shivering on the freezing cold floor. Nothing was comforting. Nothing was safe. Everything scared him. Everything reminded him of Chanyeol.
Especially his own body.
Baekhyun spent an hour every morning looking at himself in the mirror after showering; staring at the words on his chest. He would sometimes punch his chest and wonder why he was alive. How was it fair that his heart was pounding and Chanyeol's wasn't?
He woke on the thirtieth day with a perpetual cloud over his head. He dressed in black, the only color he could stand to look at without thinking of Chanyeol. Black was sad, gloomy, depressing, dark; the exact opposite of what Chanyeol was. He sat by his counter, looking at the spots on the granite, and waited for the hours of the day to pass.
He didn't go out of his apartment. He didn't pick up anyone's calls.
He just sat, idly waiting for something that would never come back to him.
He was startled by his voice machine beeping, he hadn't even heard the phone ring. He heard a voice, it was Lay, the only person who checked in on him.
"Hey, Baekhyun," began his message. "I just wanted to check in on you, again." He sighed. "I've been visiting your patients for you. They keep asking when you're coming back so that the awkward guy that has replaced you can go home. I know you're having a hard time, but Mrs. Park was really sad you didn't go to the funeral." Lay stopped and cleared his throat. It sounded like he was outside. "Anyway, I'm sure you haven't found it yet because Chanyeol said it would make you feel better, but you clearly aren't any better."
Baekhyun straightened at the mention of Chanyeol. He went to the phone just as the message was ending.
"Call me back if you want to know what it is that he left you."
Baekhyun dialed Lay's number faster than it took him to breathe in and out to pace himself.
"Hello! Baekhyun!" Lay said instantly after picking up. "Thank God you answered. I've been so worried."
"What did Chanyeol leave me?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
"Oh right," Lay said. "It's in your backpack, the one you used for patients. It's a CD and a piece of paper. He told me to give it to you if he couldn't be able to."
Baekhyun's throat tightened and he rushed into his room, letting the phone drop with a clank. He rummaged through the back of his closet where he'd stuffed the bag after coming home from the market thirty days ago.
He took it out and frantically looked for a CD. He had a few CDs in that bag, but he spotted Chanyeol's messy handwriting quickly and he went to his stereo in the living room. As soon as he put in the CD, Chanyeol's deep set voice filled Baekhyun's apartment and occupied the emptiness inside of him.
"Hey, Baekhyun, if you're listening to this it means I've gone to meet my maker," Chanyeol chuckled. "Too harsh? Well, I guess life is harsh sometimes, but I want you to know that no matter how tough life gets, you'll always have music to guide you through it. A really smart person once told me that."
Baekhyun placed his hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs because he wanted to hear Chanyeol clearly and he didn't want his crying to ruin it, but he couldn't help crying. He was so happy to hear Chanyeol again.
"So for that reason, with Lay's help, I've decided to write you a little song that will hopefully get you through the bad days. It's called These Moments" Chanyeol cleared his throat. "I love you, Baekhyun."
Baekhyun sat down on the floor in front of his speakers and held his knees close to his chest, hunched forward, waiting for the song.
The song began with a guitar strumming and then a soft, low voice joined in.
"These moments we've shared
Are the best ones of my life.
If words were enough
Not even thank you suffice
But love like yours can't fit into words.
You kept me alive,
You showed me about life,
I owe this all to you
So don't cry,
When you think of me now.
Because I don't want you to feel any pain
I want your sorrows buried away with me
Everyday, every night, I'll look after you
My angry gremlin
My precious angel
My one and only heart.
My last one failed,
But this one finally found rest beside yours.
So don't let my heart die away.
Take care of it, it seemed to really want to stay with you.
Take care of my heart, because it finally found a home in you."
Baekhyun was crying so much, he knew Chanyeol would have made fun of his swollen eyes and runny nose. Baekhyun smiled, for the first time in thirty days and he laid on the ground and replayed the song, thirty more times for every bad day he had had.
*
After sleeping comfortably for the first time in a while, Baekhyun went back to his room and got dressed. He took his bag and put it over his shoulder, got on the bus and went to the hospital.
He found Lay in the Children's wing, being attacked and jumped on by various restless toddlers.
"Hey kids, what did Baekhyunie tell you about attacking innocent people?"
Lay's head shot up and the biggest smile painted his face. "Baek, you're here?"
Baekhyun smiled and ruffled one of the little boy's hair. "Don't you see me?"
Lay stood up and walked around the children. He gave Baekhyun a tight hug, and Baekhyun hugged him back even tighter.
"I was so wo-"
"Worried, I know. You told me in all your messages," Baekhyun pulled down the corners of his mouth. "Sorry about falling off the grid there for a while."
"No, it's fine. I totally understand. You needed your time," Lay said, giving him a small smile. "Did you hear the song?"
Baekhyun nodded and smiled grandly. "It was so wonderful. When did you guys do that behind my back?"
Lay smiled proudly. "When you were meeting with your other patients, he told me he wanted to leave you with something and I gave him the idea, after I'd seen you do it with another patient who left it to his kids. I thought it would be a perfect present to leave you."
Baekhyun hugged him again. "Thank you, Lay. It really was amazing."
"And did you see the paper he asked me to give you?" Lay asked.
"No, wait a second I have it here," Baekhyun looked through the bag and retreated a crumbled up paper. As he unfolded it, he instantly recognized it. The list.
He scanned it over again and smiled at the additional #21 at the bottom. He rolled his eyes and put the paper back into the bag. "Fool," he muttered, and continued to aid the sickest of kids and adults, with the help of Chanyeol, who would always be hovering right above his heart.
*
Chanyeol's list of 20 things to do before bitting the dust
1-LOTTE WORLD
2-Get a tattoo (convince Baekhyun to get something too)
3-Be apart of a flashmob
4-Join a rock band
5-Eat sweet potato flavored candy
6-Sky dive
7-Fight a Bull
8-Play a Nirvana song on guitar
9-Go on a date
10-Yell the word SEX in public
11-Have sex
12-Have a day be a 10
13-Push someone into a fountain
14-Kill something with my bare hands
15-Eat a live animal
16-Smoke
17-Bungee jump
18-Call my mother "momma" again
19-Tell Joonmyun I love him
20-Write a song
*21-Fall so in love with someone that it kills me
Baekhyun/Chanyeol
PG-13
Warning: character death
The more Baekhyun got closer to Chanyeol, the more Chanyeol would drift away from him.
Part 1
After his talk with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol decided he needed to talk to Baekhyun. He didn't know how severe his condition was, and if he was going to die, Chanyeol wanted to tell Baekhyun how he felt before he did.
So far, Baekhyun had told him that he never asked his patients why they were in the hospital because he didn't need to know that to be able to heal them. Chanyeol had understood and respected that, but he owed it to Baekhyun to tell him the truth.
However, one day when Baekhyun came in, talking animatedly about his college life, Chanyeol wasn't having the best of days.
"And I was late to get on the bus so I had to wait for forty minutes and that just made me late for my Music Appreciation class. I was so mad that by lunch I just didn't want to talk to anyone so I walked-"
Suddenly, everything Baekhyun was saying seemed so trivial to Chanyeol that he exploded. "I'm dying."
Baekhyun stopped mid-sentence, the words dangling in the air between them. He had no words for what Chanyeol just said. "What?" was all that came out.
"I said I'm dying." It really wasn't how Chanyeol had meant to tell him, but he couldn't control his emotions as much as he couldn't control his heart.
Baekhyun stared at him for a long while without blinking. "What do you mean you're dying?"
"I'm dying, okay? What's wrong with you? Don't you get it?" Chanyeol asked harshly, and he sounded like a stranger to his own ears; a monster so fed up and tired of his own life.
Baekhyun stood up and took a piece of paper out of his backpack. "Okay, fine. So you're dying. What do you want me to do? Cry?"
Chanyeol was surprised at his response, but it seemed fit that the only person that ever treated him normally would reply in such a manner. If Chanyeol felt angry, then so would Baekhyun.
Before Chanyeol's emotions could get the best of him and he would end up regretting what he said, Baekhyun shoved the paper in Chanyeol's chest.
"What's this for?" he asked.
"Write down a list of things you want to do before you die," Baekhyun said coolly, detaching himself from any emotion as he sat back down, but his twitching lip gave him away.
Chanyeol looked at the paper in confusion. "What things?"
"I don't know, anything you want to do," he said, and his voice wavered. Baekhyun slapped his hand over his mouth and quickly got up from the chair. "Let me know when you're done writing that list. I'm going to make you finish everything on that list even if it kills me."
Chanyeol couldn't laugh at the irony even if he had found it funny.
*
Chanyeol made a list of twenty things, because ten seemed too little and thirty too much. Baekhyun walked into his room, determined, the next day with a pass from Joonmyun himself to let Chanyeol go out for the day.
"How did you make him give you permission?" Chanyeol asked, sitting at the edge of his bed, already dressed in his normal clothes.
"I have my ways," Baekhyun's smile was as beautiful as before, only more contained, as if he weren't allowing himself to be fully happy. "Okay," Baekhyun said, running his hands through his brown hair. "I have a few rules."
"So do I," Chanyeol said.
Baekhyun smirked. "Fine, you go first."
"You're going to let me do everything in this list. From start to finish, we're not skipping anything. No matter how stupid or irresponsible it is, okay?"
"As long as it doesn't kill you on the spot, then I'm fine with that rule," Baekhyun said. "Anything else?"
Chanyeol looked down at his list where he'd scribbled that rule down hastily. "No, that was it."
"Okay," Baekhyun put his hands on Chanyeol's knees and smiled, a bit fuller this time. "We're not going to talk about death, your condition, your big dumbo ears or anything else that makes me sad until we finish this list."
Chanyeol pursed his lips and shrugged. "Fine."
"And we're going to do everything on this list together." Baekhyun crossed his arms over his chest and stood with such security that it made Chanyeol hopeful. Hopeful that he would be okay without him.
Chanyeol stood up and laughed when Baekhyun backed away from him with a horrified look on his face.
"What?" Chanyeol asked.
"You're just," Baekhyun looked up and shook his head in disbelief. "So tall. What are you five eleven?"
"Six one actually," Chanyeol loomed over Baekhyun and smirked. "What are you? Five four?"
"Shut your face," Baekhyun said, laughing. "Now, tell me what's the first thing on that list."
Chanyeol smiled, his eyes crinkling in excitement, because written in large, slanted english were the words LOTTE WORLD at the top of the page.
*
They spent the morning going on rides Baekhyun hated and eating food that made Chanyeol's stomach bloat, but it was one of the best days of Chanyeol's life.
Baekhyun had the idea of asking for a wheel chair for Chanyeol so that they could wheel up the front of the lines. Baekhyun would exchange a cheeky smile with Chanyeol each time they cut in front of everyone. It made Chanyeol laugh over how excited he was. Surprisingly, Chanyeol felt good throughout the whole day, and he only needed to stop and rest after lunch, which was when his chest pains always started up.
They left the scariest looking ride for the end of the day.
"Don't piss your pants," Chanyeol leaned down to whisper in Baekhyun's ear.
"I won't. I actually love roller coasters. I've just been acting this way to amuse you," Baekhyun said as he shoved Chanyeol towards the ticket holder. They gave the guy their tickets and Baekhyun went to the front of the ride, buckled himself in and gave Chanyeol a smug look. "Come on now, I'm not getting any younger."
Chanyeol sat beside Baekhyun and smiled at him. He was so amazed by Baekhyun, day in and day out, he was always there for him. Chanyeol didn't understand people like that; ones that gave their all to others and were so empathetic and caring like Baekhyun. Who would be there for them? Who was going to be their wall of support? Chanyeol felt so lucky to have met Baekhyun and as he watched him now, nervously bitting his lower lip and looking ahead at the loops and turns of the ride, Chanyeol felt like the luckiest person in the world, even with his circumstance. Because it allowed him to meet the most amazing person. "Thanks, for today," Chanyeol said. "And for everything."
"Yeah, yeah," Baekhyun waved him off, acting cool like he did to mask his feeling. "It's starting."
The roller coaster began rising and Baekhyun's hand slapped around Chanyeol's in a fierce hold.
"Don't let go of my hand," Baekhyun yelled over the gears of the roller coaster.
"I promise, I won't," Chanyeol screamed back, and he ignored the pang in his chest that let him know he would eventually have to let go.
*
Chanyeol was back in his hospital room that afternoon, and the white walls and paper curtains were horribly suffocating compared to the fresh air he was just in.
Baekhyun was soaked because Chanyeol had "accidentally" pushed him into a fountain on their way home after Baekhyun told him he yelled like a girl.
Chanyeol chuckled.
"I'm still angry at you," Baekhyun said sourly. Chanyeol gave him a look that said he didn't expect otherwise.
"Now, what's next on the list," Baekhyun said as he shook his head around like a wet puppy. Chanyeol handed him the list and smiled as Baekhyun's eyes roamed over it and got larger with every written thing.
"This is ridiculous, I'm not letting you do half of the things on this list." Baekhyun said.
"Yes, you are. You promised, angry gremlin." Chanyeol said.
Baekhyun made a face at the nickname and shook his head. "That was before I saw it. I mean, bungee jumping? Getting a tattoo? Are you insane? Not only would the hospital have me lynched for taking you out so much, your mother would surely blame me if something happened to you."
"Nothing's going to happen to me," Chanyeol said. "I'm as solid as a bull," and he slapped his chest to emphasis. "Stop acting like my keeper and fucking don't break your promise."
Baekhyun looked startled, Chanyeol hardly ever cursed in front of him. "Fine Moody Bloomy, but we leave the super dangerous ones for the end. That way we can live through most of them together."
Chanyeol's eyes softened. "Together?"
"Yes," Baekhyun leaned forward and pecked Chanyeol's forehead. He let his lips linger for the smallest moment and his fingers rested at Chanyeol's temple. "Baek and Yeol together forever."
Chanyeol eyes crinkled at the cheesy comment and he wound his arm around Baekhyun's waist, lifting him up onto the bed. Baekhyun settled himself on Chanyeol's side and he threw the blanket over them, their legs barely touching.
"Don't get any ideas," Baekhyun said as he shifted to find a comfortable spot. "I'm only staying because it's an igloo in this room and I'm freezing after you so pleasantly shoved me into that fountain."
"Of course," Chanyeol said, his hand lazily caressing Baekhyun's arm. "My dashing good looks have nothing to do with you wanting to stay in my bed. I wasn't thinking that at all."
"Be quiet," Baekhyun said. He closed his eyes and put his head on Chanyeol's chest, stilling his breathing to hear Chanyeol's heart beating a little faster. "I don't think me being in this proximity to you is too good for your health."
Chanyeol shook his head and threaded his fingers through Baekhyun's still damp hair. "On the contrary, you're amazing for my health." Chanyeol motioned towards the heart monitor. "Those levels are actually considered good for me. Normal almost."
Baekhyun smiled and pushed himself closer to Chanyeol's face. He looked into his eyes and licked his lips. With his voice barely above a whisper, he asked; "what would you do if I kissed you now?"
Chanyeol lowered his face so that they were a mere millimeters away from their lips touching. "Kiss you back," he breathed, letting Baekhyun taste the words.
Baekhyun closed the distance and Chanyeol did just as he said he would.
After a few minutes of tugging and pulling, Chanyeol put his hand on Baekhyun's chest and pushed him away a little.
"Sorry," Baekhyun said, licking his lips. He looked at the monitor and chuckled softly into Chanyeol's neck. "Looks like I'm making your heart excited."
"That's not the only thing you're making excited," Chanyeol said and moved away from Baekhyun, who laughed so wonderfully it made Chanyeol laugh as well.
"What can I say?" Chanyeol asked, tugging at the thin sheets. "I'm a teenage boy. I have needs."
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at him and smiled. "Needs I can't fulfill."
"Who said?" Chanyeol asked, pressing Baekhyun closer to him.
"Well not now," Baekhyun said, and as soon as he did he regretted it because Chanyeol was smirking so evilly he knew he was screwed. Literally.
Baekhyun yawned and curled around Chanyeol's side. "Can we nap for a while? I'm all pooped out from today and all that wheeling you around. You're such a lard ass."
Chanyeol pinched his arm and pulled him closer to his body. He closed his eyes and let his hand rest on Baekhyun's chest, over his heart, that was beating healthily. Chanyeol couldn't remember what that felt like, so he left his hand there and fell asleep counting pulses instead of sheep.
*
"This is so silly," Chanyeol said, motioning at the movie screen and their matching shirts.
"You said you wanted to go on a date," Baekhyun said. He searched for Chanyeol's hand on the arm rest and encircled his fingers around Chanyeol's. "Is this silly?"
Chanyeol made a face. "Yeah, now you've just made the whole thing all gay."
Baekhyun laughed so hard, they received a few looks from the other people at the movie theater. Some gave them strange looks when they saw them holding hands, and others looked away as if they'd just seen something they weren't supposed to.
"I bet they all think we're having SEX," Chanyeol said, screaming the last word.
Baekhyun laughed and shoved him, but then he pulled him back to his body and kissed him so abruptly that it knocked the wind out of Chanyeol.
"What the-"
"Shh," Baekhyun put his index finger to Chanyeol's mouth and smiled. "Enjoy the movie."
The rest of their date consisted of Baekhyun pulling Chanyeol around the mall. They fed each other, mocking the way other couples did it and took those obnoxious photo booth pictures Chanyeol thought were so lame but Baekhyun adored.
"I look like an anime character," Chanyeol pointed out.
"You look hot," Baekhyun said back. He took the row of pictures out of his hand and split them in half. "You keep half, I'll keep the other half."
Chanyeol shrugged and pocketed the pictures, probably folding them when it clearly said you they weren't supposed to be bent. "Now what?" he asked.
Baekhyun looked around and smiled mischievously before taking Chanyeol's arm and leading him towards a tattoo store. "We're going to kill two birds with one stone."
Chanyeol jumped up and down, thoroughly excited for the first time all day. "This is the best date ever. You know that right? You are seriously awesome."
Baekhyun patted himself on the shoulder and pushed aside the curtain of beads.
There was a middle aged woman sitting behind a glass desk that was covered with tattoo drawings and stickers.
"Look, we can get you one of those pretty butterfly stickers," Baekhyun joked.
Chanyeol shook his head fiercely and stuck his chest out. "I'm going to do this for real. And you," he said, sticking his finger in Baekhyun's chest, "are going to get one too because you promised we were going to finish this list together. So, let's look at the books they have over there."
After only a few pages, Baekhyun decided that he hated every single one he saw.
"We should put a little angry gremlin on you," Chanyeol said, eyes laughing. "Or maybe we could get matching ones."
Baekhyun brightened at that idea. "Hey, I like that. That's the smartest thing you've said all day."
Chanyeol ignored him and searched through the books with written letter tattoos. He saw one that caught his eye and smiled slightly. It was from a poem he had read in tenth grade for his Korean class. It amazed him how much it fit the situation. "I'm going to break one of the rules by mentioning something that will make you sad," he said, "but I really want us to get this one."
Baekhyun leaned over and looked at the one Chanyeol was pointing out. He stared at it for a long time and when his eyes met Chanyeol's, he took a deep breath and nodded. He smiled and kissed Chanyeol's hand. "It's absolutely perfect."
Chanyeol felt quite proud of himself as he sat on the tattoo chair. He felt so much like a man he knew he probably would not have a chance to become. He felt independent, the idea of marking his body permanently seeming more freeing than he imagined. He thought having to choose something that would be on his body forever would be hard, even a bit agonizing just thinking about the removal in the future. However, it was more liberating, like taking a deep breath after touching the bottom of the ocean.
"Where's it gonna be?" asked the tattoo artist, a thirty something man with an array of tattoo's of different sizes and colors littered on his body.
Chanyeol looked down at his body and instantly knew the perfect place for it. He opened his shirt and pointed at his chest, on the place right above his heart.
"Wow, that's a pretty nasty scar," the guy said as he prepared his needle and nodded in appreciation.
"Yeah, I want to make it more attractive," Chanyeol said with a laugh.
"Do you want your boyfriend in here?" The man asked, so nonchalantly it took Chanyeol off guard.
"What?" Chanyeol asked, feeling his face flush. "Oh he's not my-"
"Kid, I've been alive more time than you and I can tell when two people are head over heels for each other. Go ahead," he jerked his chin towards the curtain, a small smile playing on his lips.
Chanyeol peaked his head out and beckoned Baekhyun over.
"Come in with me," he said timidly. Baekhyun stood up and took a step forward. Once he was in front of him, Chanyeol opened the curtain, revealing his scar to Baekhyun for the first time. He wasn't afraid of it anymore. He wasn't going to hide himself to Baekhyun. Not now, nor ever.
Baekhyun's eyes widened and he held his hand over the scar. Tentatively, his fingers traced the scar lightly. His words got caught in his throat as he tried to say, "that's-"
"My scar, yeah." Chanyeol took his hand and lead him to the chair. "I'm going to get my tattoo over it."
Baekhyun smiled in agreement, and his smile overpowered his face like it never had before. "I think that is a great idea."
Chanyeol grit his teeth when the needle made contact, but otherwise he kept still and brave through the pain. Once it was done he looked at the red, irritated area and smiled proudly.
In beautiful, cursive letters, were the words: The more I come closer to you/If I have to go.
Baekhyun's came out just as great. Written across his entire chest were the phrases: The more you will drift away from me/Then I will let you go.
*
Chanyeol looked at his list and smiled. He had 10 of the 20 things marked off. Most of the ones still left to do were either impossible or too dangerous. Baekhyun was right after all, Chanyeol wasn't going to be able to do all the things in his list before his surgery.
Baekhyun sat on what had easily become his chair beside Chanyeol. Ever since Chanyeol's mother had to work double hours to pay for the hospital bills, she could hardly visit him in the hospital. Chanyeol demanded that she sleep in their apartment, because he didn't want her getting a bad back from the horrible furniture in the hospital. So now, Baekhyun had become her informer and he made sure Chanyeol ate and exercised his legs once a day.
"So, from 1 to 10, what would you rate the last two weeks?"
Chanyeol recollected all the things they had done, and all the pictures they had taken, and smiled at Baekhyun. "It's been a solid eight, I think."
Baekhyun scoffed. "Che. An eight?" He leaned forward and kissed Chanyeol softly on the lips. His fingers entangled in his long hair and he smiled against his lips. "What about now?"
Chanyeol kissed him back and swiped his tongue over his lips. "An eight and a half."
Baekhyun shoved his shoulder and got into bed beside him. He tangled his legs between Chanyeol's and smiled when Chanyeol kissed the top of his head.
"I love how tiny you are." He chuckled, lips hovering over his forehead.
"I am not tiny," Baekhyun said. "You're just a giant."
"I love how adorable you are," Chanyeol said. "I just want to squish you all the time."
Baekhyun frowned and his index finger started edging out the words on Chanyeol's chest. "If you squish me, you'd kill me because you're a lard ass."
Chanyeol laughed gruffly. "I love you."
Baekhyun's hand stilled. Chanyeol slapped his hand over his mouth. "No-I...I didn't mean to say it like that, I just meant like I love how you are or," Chanyeol racked his brain for a plausible explanation for why he'd say such a stupid thing like that.
"So you don't love me?" Baekhyun asked.
"No, of course I do," Chanyeol said, flustered. "I mean, not of course, but you get what I'm saying, don't you?"
Baekhyun laughed and shook his head. "No, I don't think I do."
"I mean, I love you but I don't LOVE you," Chanyeol passed his hand over his face.
Baekhyun leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you too, Chanyeol."
"What?" Chanyeol asked.
"Well, you're acting like a flustered baby so I have decided to be the responsible adult I am and show you how it's done," Baekhyun kissed him again. "You just have to enunciate like this: I-love-you. See? Easy right?"
Chanyeol smiled. He was so filled with joy he could hardly process Baekhyun teasing him. Baekhyun loved him. That was...Well that was horrible.
"Well, aren't you going to say anything, dude?" Baekhyun asked, getting impatient as Chanyeol stared off into space.
"That's horrible," was all that came out of his lips.
"What is? Me loving you?" Baekhyun asked, and his face crumbled when Chanyeol didn't say anything for a while.
"Yes, it's horrible that I've let this happen. That's it's gotten so out of hand."
"What? What are you talking about?" Baekhyun asked, sitting up as he stared at Chanyeol in confusion.
"This, you and me," he gestured between them. "This should've never happened. I never wanted to hurt you."
"You haven't hurt me. You're hurting me now by not saying it back."
Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun's face. "I'm so sorry I've done this to you."
"Done what?" Baekhyun asked, his eyes narrowing at Chanyeol. "Stop being stupid."
"No, it's all my fault. I let this go too far."
"Shut up," Baekhyun said, he kissed him to try and make him stop. "You're breaking the rules."
"I'm sorry," Chanyeol put his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry, I-"
"Stop it," Baekhyun demanded. "Stop apologizing. I am a capable human being, in control of my emotions. You didn't make me fall in love with you, I chose to. Stop talking bullshit like you feel bad for me. Like I fell in love with a guy that has an expiration date."
"But you did-"
"Shut up," Baekhyun pleaded. "Don't you dare blame yourself for anything. I wanted you, and here you are, I have you. So stop talking about being sorry, because you are not dying. We haven't finished everything on the list remember?"
Chanyeol wiped at a tear on his own face and nodded. Baekhyun may want to kid himself, but Chanyeol couldn't. He didn't have a donor, and if he did, he wouldn't accept the heart at this rate. He was dying, as simple as that. At the age of seventeen, he was dying, and it was no one's fault, but he felt horrible for all the people he made suffer around him. All the people he dragged into this with him. He was so thankful and so unbelievably lucky for the boy he had wiping his tears now.
Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun until his heart monitor started beeping angrily. Baekhyun pulled away and kissed his moist cheeks.
"Let's sleep, okay? I'm really tired." Baekhyun said, and he looked so small and heartbroken that Chanyeol wouldn't dare refuse him.
Baekhyun set his legs over Chanyeol's waist and molded himself to his side almost perfectly. He hummed under his breath until his eyelids began to flutter softly.
"I love you," Chanyeol whispered and kissed his half opened lips. Baekhyun smiled and kissed his chest, right over his heart.
"Ditto."
*
"I found you a donor."
Chanyeol thought he was dreaming when he heard those words coming from Joonmyun. He looked up and into his smiling doctor's face, however Chanyeol couldn't help but frown.
"No! That isn't the face I was expecting to see," Joonmyun said, giving Chanyeol a concerned look. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy my hard work and bribing has paid off?"
"No, yeah I'm happy," Chanyeol tried to smile, he really did, but he'd read that patients rarely survived a second operation, especially if they were in the stage Chanyeol was in, way past any other treatment. He felt like his doctor's hard work had been in vain.
"Good, okay, I'm going to set up a procurement right now and by tonight you could be getting yourself a new heart. You're lucky that I'm so fast I was able to grab it before a hospital in Hongdae that was looking for one too."
"Someone else wants that heart?" Chanyeol asked, his chest tightening but not for physical reasons.
"Yeah, I mean you were much lower on the list until I made a case for you at the last board meeting," Joonmyun smiled to himself. "I couldn't let my favorite patient wait any longer for a new heart."
"I don't want the heart," Chanyeol said suddenly.
Joonmyun looked at him, dumbfounded. "What? What do you mean you don't want the heart? Chanyeol, this isn't a joke, you need this heart or-"
"Or if not I'm going to die?" Chanyeol asked. He looked down at his body, at all the weight he'd lost from the depression that was eating at him, at his practically translucent skin, and at his throbbing feet that looked like they needed to be amputated. He looked at his face on the reflective ceiling and sighed. "I'm going to die either way, Joonmyun, we both know that. I don't want to take someone else's chances at living. If someone is going to put better use to that heart then I can, I want them to have it. I don't deserve it."
Joonmyun scoffed in disbelief. "Chanyeol, of course you deserve it. Besides, this isn't your decision to make. I need to call your mother to confirm the surgery and it'll be done with or without your consent."
Chanyeol sighed, his eyes watering because all he ever did was bring people worry and suffering. He wasn't good for anything except to cause pain.
"I know what you're trying to do," Chanyeol said. "You think you owe me this new heart because of what happened with the first one, but you don't owe me anything."
"It's my job to save my patients," Joonmyun said, chocking up, trying to suppress an unprofessional sob.
"It's your job to save patients that have a chance."
"It's my job to do everything in my power to keep you alive," Joonmyun said, raising his voice like a father reprimanding his son. "It's my job to save you, it's my job to-"
"You're not God, doc," Chanyeol said. He sounded surprisingly calm even though his heart was breaking. "You were the best man I ever met."
"No, don't do that," Joonmyun said, his eyes welled with tears that never spilled, but surely blurred his vision as much as his love for Chanyeol blurred his judgment. "Don't you dare talk in past tense."
"I'm dying, doc. Here where I sit, I feel it coming." Chanyeol said, and the realization made a peaceful sigh escape his lips.
"Then let me do the surgery, please Chanyeol, just let me call your mom and I'll get that heart," Joonmyun regrouped his thoughts and stood straight. "I'm going to do this heart transplant, you hear me?"
"If you do it," Chanyeol said, crossing his arms over his heaving chest. "It's going to be against my wishes, my body will reject the heart and I'm going to die and cause someone else that could've lived a long life to die as well. All because of your selfishness."
Chanyeol knew he was being disrespectful, but he couldn't stand knowing he was taking this heart from someone else, someone who deserved it and would put it to good use.
Joonmyun crumbled onto the chair by Chanyeol's side and put his face in his hands. "What do you want me to do?"
Chanyeol smiled softly. "Give the heart to that other person that needs it, call my mom, and come here and give me a hug."
Joonmyun sat for a long time, not moving or even seemingly breathing, but after a few deep breaths, he stood up and wrapped his arms around Chanyeol's body. His strong frame made Chanyeol feel safe and loved. All along he had been so loved, and so cared for, that now he felt it was his duty to give back some of that love to someone else. Even if it was someone he would never meet.
"Thank you, doc," Chanyeol said. "Thanks for everything. I really...I really love you a lot."
Joonmyun cleared his throat. "I love you too, Chanyeol."
Joonmyun pulled away and went to call Chanyeol's mom. When she arrived she was smiling, so Chanyeol guessed Joonmyun had not told her about the heart offer.
"What is it sweety? Dr. Kim said you wanted to see me?"
"Yeah, come here mom," Chanyeol opened his arms to her.
She stood still for a second and looked around. "What's wrong? You haven't willingly hugged me since you were 12."
Chanyeol motioned her closer and squeezed her tightly. "I know, I was a bastard teenager. I'm sorry for making you suffer so much."
Her small face looked up into his big eyes and she shook her head. "You are my biggest blessing in life, sweet Chanyeollie."
He smiled at the nickname and kissed the top of his mother's head. "I love you, momma."
Her eyes widened at the term and she smiled grandly. "You haven't called me that in years." She kissed his hands. "I love you too, sweetheart."
"Can you sing to me?" He asked. "Like you used to?"
She smiled in content surprise. "You always used to say I was too pitchy to listen to."
"Again, I repeat, I was a bastard child," he said in remorse. He truly felt bad for how he sometimes treated his mother, because of his sickness and just teenage angst in general. "Please sing to me momma."
She smiled and passed her hand over his forehead. She sang his favorite song from when he was a baby. It was the only song that could always put him to sleep. As he heard it now, he faintly remembered being curled in his mother's arms one night. It was a memory he had been told various times over the years. He had heard it so much that he now saw it like a memory in his head, one he actually remembered.
He was probably about five months old and it was always very difficult to get him to sleep. His mother had heard this song at a kindergarten close to their home, so in the desperation of not getting any sleep herself, she decided to sing it to her newborn son. Almost like magic, Chanyeol's eyes had begun to lull as he heard his mother's voice. Every night she would sing the same song, and after a while he only needed the first verse to fall asleep. It was his oldest memory, and also his fondest.
Now, in his hospital room, his eyes started to fall as the song progressed, and he slowly felt himself being pulled into a deep tranquility like he had never felt before.
At the end of the song, his heart monitor sang its final tune.
*
Baekhyun entered Chanyeol's hospital room with a big smile on his face. After much scavenger hunting, he finally found the kids' snacks Chanyeol had wanted. He'd taken the liberty to try a few and they were as amazing as Chanyeol described them.
He inched closer to the bed excitedly and saw Chanyeol sleeping. He looked so peaceful, Baekhyun almost felt bad for disturbing him. Almost.
"Hey, Chanyeol," he said and gave him a small shove. No response. "They were a mother to find, but here they are. You better kiss my feet for all the trouble I went through to get these-"
"Baekhyun?"
Baekhyun turned around to see Joonmyun standing in the doorway. His eyes were bloodshot and he threw a look over Baekhyun's shoulder, towards Chanyeol. Baekhyun turned back around and tried to make the connection between the two. A peacefully sleeping Chanyeol and a distressed surgeon.
Baekhyun dropped the candy from his hands and looked down to see them shaking. He kept his eyes on Chanyeol and noticed his chest wasn't raising and lowering, not even softly like it was doing days before, and his heart monitor was turned off. After breathing heavily for a few seconds, he asked. "When did it happen?"
Joonmyun exhaled a deep sigh that came from the deepest part of his still beating heart. "Last night."
Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol's still body and felt vile rising in his stomach. "Then why is he still here?"
"Baekhyun, we thought you'd want to say goodbye-"
"No!" Baekhyun turned his hands into tight fists. "Why is he still here? Why aren't you doing something? You're just going to stand there? Do something," Baekhyun yelled, his face turning pale.
"Baekhyun, everything there was to do has already been done," Joonmyun exhaled again, this time like a soldier giving up on a fight, choosing surrender at the end of a long war. "He refused the donor we found and I had to give it to another patient."
"He rejected a donor?" Baekhyun asked, and he felt his entire body shaking with anger and anguish.
When Joonmyun nodded his head softly, Baekhyun went to the bed and punched Chanyeol's pillow. "You stupid fool! Who told you to give up so easily? You haven't finished everything on your list. You promised you would finish it." Chanyeol's eyes were closed. "Look at me you selfish asshole. Look at me when I talk to you. How dare you leave me like this?" His voice was growing coarse from yelling. "I hate you, Park Chanyeol. I hate you so much. I hope you-"
With a sob, Baekhyun's knees buckled and he fell with a loud thump to the floor. His first instinct was to curl into himself; to shield himself from the evils of the world and all the damage they could do to him. Much like he would do when he was a child. And he'd press his fingernails into his knees to keep himself from crying. Now, he just clawed at the empty floor, his body shaking with silent sobs. He ignored Joonmyun pulling him up and he clung to the floor like it was his only faithful connection to the world. The ground was safe, no one could literally rip the ground from under him, even though it felt like he'd been stripped of any solid foundation.
This was all a bad dream. He just needed to wait it out and wake up.
*
When Baekhyun woke up it was in his empty apartment. He was shivering so he took a shower and paced around his apartment. The dream-no the nightmare-he had just had really frightened him. He needed to go to the hospital to make sure Chanyeol was alright.
However, halfway there, he felt his phone vibrating. He looked down to see Lay calling. He picked it up without thinking about anything as he got onto the bus.
"Hey," he said hastily. "What is it?"
Lay paused before speaking. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine," Baekhyun said, smiling politely at the old lady that sat across from him. "Why would't I be?"
The line was quiet for a long time. "Baek, Joonmyun told me about what happened to Chanyeol."
"What happened to Chanyeol?" Baekhyun asked impatiently. "God, Lay stop talking in circles."
"Where are you?" He asked. "I'll come be with you."
"Lay, just tell me what happened to Chanyeol," Baekhyun said, getting off the bus on a few stops before the hospital so he could buy Pocky for Chanyeol. Chocolate always cheered him up.
"Baekhyun, did you have a bad dream last night?" Lay asked slowly.
"Yes," Baekhyun said, he took a box of Pocky and some ChocoPies in case Chanyeol was having a 3 or 4 day. "How did you know?"
The line was quiet again. "It wasn't a dream." There was a pause. "Baekhyun, Chanyeol died last night. If you want me to-"
Baekhyun dropped his phone and raced home.
*
Thirty days went by, but for Baekhyun they felt like thirty years. Every day dragged on impossibly slowly and each night had him shivering on the freezing cold floor. Nothing was comforting. Nothing was safe. Everything scared him. Everything reminded him of Chanyeol.
Especially his own body.
Baekhyun spent an hour every morning looking at himself in the mirror after showering; staring at the words on his chest. He would sometimes punch his chest and wonder why he was alive. How was it fair that his heart was pounding and Chanyeol's wasn't?
He woke on the thirtieth day with a perpetual cloud over his head. He dressed in black, the only color he could stand to look at without thinking of Chanyeol. Black was sad, gloomy, depressing, dark; the exact opposite of what Chanyeol was. He sat by his counter, looking at the spots on the granite, and waited for the hours of the day to pass.
He didn't go out of his apartment. He didn't pick up anyone's calls.
He just sat, idly waiting for something that would never come back to him.
He was startled by his voice machine beeping, he hadn't even heard the phone ring. He heard a voice, it was Lay, the only person who checked in on him.
"Hey, Baekhyun," began his message. "I just wanted to check in on you, again." He sighed. "I've been visiting your patients for you. They keep asking when you're coming back so that the awkward guy that has replaced you can go home. I know you're having a hard time, but Mrs. Park was really sad you didn't go to the funeral." Lay stopped and cleared his throat. It sounded like he was outside. "Anyway, I'm sure you haven't found it yet because Chanyeol said it would make you feel better, but you clearly aren't any better."
Baekhyun straightened at the mention of Chanyeol. He went to the phone just as the message was ending.
"Call me back if you want to know what it is that he left you."
Baekhyun dialed Lay's number faster than it took him to breathe in and out to pace himself.
"Hello! Baekhyun!" Lay said instantly after picking up. "Thank God you answered. I've been so worried."
"What did Chanyeol leave me?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
"Oh right," Lay said. "It's in your backpack, the one you used for patients. It's a CD and a piece of paper. He told me to give it to you if he couldn't be able to."
Baekhyun's throat tightened and he rushed into his room, letting the phone drop with a clank. He rummaged through the back of his closet where he'd stuffed the bag after coming home from the market thirty days ago.
He took it out and frantically looked for a CD. He had a few CDs in that bag, but he spotted Chanyeol's messy handwriting quickly and he went to his stereo in the living room. As soon as he put in the CD, Chanyeol's deep set voice filled Baekhyun's apartment and occupied the emptiness inside of him.
"Hey, Baekhyun, if you're listening to this it means I've gone to meet my maker," Chanyeol chuckled. "Too harsh? Well, I guess life is harsh sometimes, but I want you to know that no matter how tough life gets, you'll always have music to guide you through it. A really smart person once told me that."
Baekhyun placed his hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs because he wanted to hear Chanyeol clearly and he didn't want his crying to ruin it, but he couldn't help crying. He was so happy to hear Chanyeol again.
"So for that reason, with Lay's help, I've decided to write you a little song that will hopefully get you through the bad days. It's called These Moments" Chanyeol cleared his throat. "I love you, Baekhyun."
Baekhyun sat down on the floor in front of his speakers and held his knees close to his chest, hunched forward, waiting for the song.
The song began with a guitar strumming and then a soft, low voice joined in.
"These moments we've shared
Are the best ones of my life.
If words were enough
Not even thank you suffice
But love like yours can't fit into words.
You kept me alive,
You showed me about life,
I owe this all to you
So don't cry,
When you think of me now.
Because I don't want you to feel any pain
I want your sorrows buried away with me
Everyday, every night, I'll look after you
My angry gremlin
My precious angel
My one and only heart.
My last one failed,
But this one finally found rest beside yours.
So don't let my heart die away.
Take care of it, it seemed to really want to stay with you.
Take care of my heart, because it finally found a home in you."
Baekhyun was crying so much, he knew Chanyeol would have made fun of his swollen eyes and runny nose. Baekhyun smiled, for the first time in thirty days and he laid on the ground and replayed the song, thirty more times for every bad day he had had.
*
After sleeping comfortably for the first time in a while, Baekhyun went back to his room and got dressed. He took his bag and put it over his shoulder, got on the bus and went to the hospital.
He found Lay in the Children's wing, being attacked and jumped on by various restless toddlers.
"Hey kids, what did Baekhyunie tell you about attacking innocent people?"
Lay's head shot up and the biggest smile painted his face. "Baek, you're here?"
Baekhyun smiled and ruffled one of the little boy's hair. "Don't you see me?"
Lay stood up and walked around the children. He gave Baekhyun a tight hug, and Baekhyun hugged him back even tighter.
"I was so wo-"
"Worried, I know. You told me in all your messages," Baekhyun pulled down the corners of his mouth. "Sorry about falling off the grid there for a while."
"No, it's fine. I totally understand. You needed your time," Lay said, giving him a small smile. "Did you hear the song?"
Baekhyun nodded and smiled grandly. "It was so wonderful. When did you guys do that behind my back?"
Lay smiled proudly. "When you were meeting with your other patients, he told me he wanted to leave you with something and I gave him the idea, after I'd seen you do it with another patient who left it to his kids. I thought it would be a perfect present to leave you."
Baekhyun hugged him again. "Thank you, Lay. It really was amazing."
"And did you see the paper he asked me to give you?" Lay asked.
"No, wait a second I have it here," Baekhyun looked through the bag and retreated a crumbled up paper. As he unfolded it, he instantly recognized it. The list.
He scanned it over again and smiled at the additional #21 at the bottom. He rolled his eyes and put the paper back into the bag. "Fool," he muttered, and continued to aid the sickest of kids and adults, with the help of Chanyeol, who would always be hovering right above his heart.
*
Chanyeol's list of 20 things to do before bitting the dust
1-LOTTE WORLD
2-Get a tattoo (convince Baekhyun to get something too)
3-Be apart of a flashmob
4-Join a rock band
5-Eat sweet potato flavored candy
6-Sky dive
7-Fight a Bull
8-Play a Nirvana song on guitar
9-Go on a date
10-Yell the word SEX in public
11-Have sex
12-Have a day be a 10
13-Push someone into a fountain
14-Kill something with my bare hands
15-Eat a live animal
16-Smoke
17-Bungee jump
18-Call my mother "momma" again
19-Tell Joonmyun I love him
20-Write a song
*21-Fall so in love with someone that it kills me