Fix You (Part 1)
Fix you (part 1)
Baekhyun/Chanyeol
PG-13
The more Baekhyun got closer to Chanyeol, the more Chanyeol would drift away from him.
Chanyeol always smiled.
From the moment he was born into the world with a loud squeak, which was followed by excessive giggling. All the doctors were surprised over the fact that he barely fussed. He had merely smiled and reached his arms towards his mother while making bubbles with his spit; but cry, was something he did not do.
As he grew older, Chanyeol was a rambunctious kid who made friends with everyone and was something of a class clown. He rarely got into trouble; all his jokes were good-natured. He was just a good kid. He got good grades. He hardly gave his parents any trouble.
That was, until he started to run a little slower, breathe a little heavier and cough until it seemed his very lungs would come out. After multiple check ups and tests, the doctor's said he had coronary heart disease, which meant his heart was failing, and slowly but surely he would need a new heart in a few years. And, sooner than expected, they were right.
By the time Chanyeol was 12, he could barely get through the day without feeling dizzy or vomiting. He was so weak that on his thirteenth birthday, instead of getting a robot themed party like he wanted, he got his appointment for his heart transplant.
"Are you nervous, honey?" His mother asked moments before the transplant. Her hands were shaking as she held Chanyeol's steady ones and her voice wavered uncontrollably. "Don't be nervous, sweetie. Everything is going to be fine. You're a healthy boy; the doctors say you're going to come out as good as new."
Chanyeol smiled weakly and tightened his grip on his mother's hands. During moments like these, he felt like he was the parent consoling the child. His mother was always a nervous wreck. His father, on the other hand, barely said a word and just signed his consent when it was needed.
"Okay," Joonmyun, his surgeon and favorite person after his mother, said as he came into Chanyeol's room. "How's my favorite patient?"
Chanyeol rolled his eyes playfully. "You say that to all your patients, doc."
"No, I don't," Joonmyun said, looking offended at Chanyeol's accusation. "You are by far my favorite." Chanyeol snickered. "So are you ready to get a new heart? I hope this one makes you more patient at video games."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes again. He knew that his new heart wasn't going to change who he was as a person, but Joonmyun always joked in that manner with Chanyeol. It was one of the reasons Chanyeol liked him so much; he didn't treat him like something he had to handle with caution as if he would break. Unlike everyone else, Chanyeol never felt like a porcelain doll around his doctor. He felt like a boy, a real person.
"Okay, let's get him ready for surgery," Joonmyun told the nurses. "We're going to do this right so you only need one heart and I never have to see you again."
Chanyeol laughed but his mother shook nervously. "What do you mean "only need one heart"? There's a possibility he could need another transplant?"
"Well, in rare cases, the body of the patient rejects the heart and we need to find them another donor, but that's in very odd cases and mainly in patients who have a history of illness or drug abuse in their families." Joonmyun smiled at Chanyeol and they did their secret handshake which involved Chanyeol squeezing Joonmyun's hand as hard as he could until his doctor yelped.
"Chanyeol's going to be fine." Joonmyun reassured his mother.
Chanyeol blew a kiss to his mother and went into a surgery that he swore to himself he would never go back into.
*
"Dude, stop hogging the ball and pass it will you?"
Chanyeol stood in the middle of the soccer field in his gym uniform and wiped his sweaty brow with the end of his shirt, receiving wandering looks from a few of his female classmates who were sitting in the stands, waiting their for their turn to play.
His best friend, Kyungsoo made a face at him and shoved him as he passed. "Stop giving the girls something to drool over and get your ass in the game. I want to serve up Jongin's team for being cocky bastards."
Chanyeol smiled at his friend and rushed passed him with the ball. He passed it to their receiver, Sehun, and then ran a few meters and retrieved it. Just as he was about to make the winning goal of their game, his chest tightened uncomfortably and before he knew it, his knees were buckling and his feet were off the grass.
He heard boys yelling at him, his gym teacher barking orders, and shrill shrieks coming from the girls, but, he couldn't move. He saw figures moving across his vision; and moments later he was being lifted onto a gurney and put inside an ambulance. His eyes kept losing focus and he found it so hard to pay attention to the things around him that he decided to close his eyes, only for a little while.
When he opened them, he was back in a hospital room. An IV drip was connected to his arm and he had respiratory assistance. This all looked too familiar and he groaned when he saw his mother curled up on one of the hospital's uncomfortable chairs in the corner of his room. As soon as he sat up, his mother stirred and rushed to his side.
"Oh my baby," she said, tears rushing down her face in a frenzy. "Sweetheart, how you do feel? You scared me so much."
Chanyeol settled into his stiff pillows and moved his toes, which were tingling from staying still for God knows how long. "I'm really tired," he yawned for emphasis. "Can I just rest for a while? Deal with all this later?"
His mother nodded and tucked his blanket under his chin as he closed his eyes. He wasn't really exhausted, but he needed a few more hours of tranquility before falling into the cycle of depression and anguish he always got when he was in the hospital. Last time he had to stay for two weeks due to his legs being swollen. The doctor said his new heart was having a hard time getting used to its new body, so he upped the dose of his immunosuppressants, a drug that was meant to help the body function correctly with his heart. That had worked fine until a few weeks ago when Chanyeol's mom couldn't continue paying for them. As a result, he fainted on his way to Pre-Calculus, and now on the soccer field.
Chanyeol slept for another few hours and when he woke up a second time, Joonmyun and his mother were talking in hushed voices, heads bent together, his mother still crying.
Joonmyun turned to Chanyeol as soon as he saw him stir out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, look who's up."
Chanyeol waved at his doctor. "What's the diagnosis this time, doc? Do I need a new spleen or maybe a kidney?"
Chanyeol was smiling, but his smile fell when his mother let out a sob and Joonmyun looked down at the ground.
"What? What is it?" Chanyeol asked, trying to strip the answer from out of the silence that suddenly fell over the room.
"You-," Joonmyun sighed and passed a hand over his face, bringing down the lines that had formed over the years, some thanks to Chanyeol.
"Don't sugar coat it, doc." Chanyeol said, looking at his doctor with the confidence and pride of any 17 year old boy who had been beaten enough times to know when a storm was coming. "Give me my medicine."
"Your fainting at school was caused by Ischemia." At Chanyeol's eyebrow raise, Joonmyun continued explaining. "That happens when the fatty matter and plaque buildup in your artery have caused it to become so narrow that it's not allowing for blood to get to your heart and assist it to pump regularly."
Chanyeol let the information sink in. "So what does that mean for me?"
Joonmyun sighed and lowered his eyes to his chart, stealing a glance from Chanyeol before speaking again. "It means your body is rejecting your new heart. We could put you on a VAD, but with your condition, I think a transplant would be best."
Chanyeol threw his head back and scoffed, truly not able to believe his luck. "You mean I need a new heart? Didn't we already go through this?"
Chanyeol's mother took his hands and kissed them softly. Ever since the divorce two year's ago (after Chanyeol's first signs of relapse and the hospital bills kept getting longer), Chanyeol's mother had fallen into depression, and with the fact that there was only one paycheck, they could no longer pay for his recovery medicine. Chanyeol could see in her face that she was blaming this entirely on herself.
"I'm sorry, Chanyeol." She said, burying her face in her hands, ashamed and regretful. "If only I had taken that third job, I would have been able to pay for your medicine."
"No, mom," Chanyeol winced at her tears falling on his trembling hands. "Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. I'm the faulty one here. This piece of crap body of mine, making you suffer uselessly."
Joonmyun stepped forward and clasped Chanyeol's shoulder. In the past years since his first surgery, Joonmyun had acted like a father to Chanyeol. He would often visit him and have dinner with Chanyeol and his mom. When Chanyeol had to stop taking his medicine, Joonmyun tried to get him a special grant, but the hospital couldn't afford such expensive drugs.
"What happens now?" Chanyeol asked once the silence began to suffocate him.
"Now we put you back on the transplant list and wait for a match."
Chanyeol kissed both their hands and settled back on the pillows. "Well, now we wait."
*
"Mr. Kim said he'll give you two more weeks to hand in your paper, but he expects it before finals."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes at Kyungsoo, who was currently walking around his hospital room, finishing Chanyeol's jello cup.
"You come to your dying best friend's hospital room to talk to him about some jackass teacher's assignment? There is something clearly wrong with you." Chanyeol said, changing the channel on his tv.
"You've been saying you're dying ever since I met you," Kyungsoo said, pushing Chanyeol's shoulder to sit next to him on the bed. "I'm still waiting for the day."
Chanyeol scoffed in mock annoyance. "Don't worry, you'll get your wish soon enough."
Even though Kyungsoo was Chanyeol's best friend, Chanyeol told him little about how serious his condition was. Most of his friends didn't generally know how to be around sick people, so Chanyeol made it easier by saying he had heart problems ever since he was a kid and he had to stay in the hospital sometimes.
When Kyungsoo visited, they would usually spend the day playing video games and occasionally walk around the halls to hit on girls. Sadly, Chanyeol was one of the eldest kids in the children's ward, so they had to settle on the nurses-to-be.
One day, Kyungsoo walked in on Chanyeol wheezing so bad, the nurses asked him to wait outside. Once it was clear for him to walk in, Chanyeol gave him a weak smile.
"You're such a sissy, can't take a guy breathing weird?"
But Kyungsoo wasn't smiling. "You really scared me there, hyung."
Chanyeol groaned; Kyungsoo rarely called him hyung. "Come on, don't act different just because I'm dying. I thought you were a real man."
Kyungsoo smiled at their inside joke and shoved his shoulder (even though Chanyeol felt it much lighter this time), and sat beside him. "You sounded like an old man coughing your lungs out."
"That's cause I am." Chanyeol smirked. "I'm an old man trapped in a sexy teenage boy's body."
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, but he kept his distance and didn't smack Chanyeol the way he would have normally. Chanyeol tried not to let it bother him, but this was exactly what he didn't want to happen when people found out. He already had enough hospital staff treating him like a frail child; he didn't need his best friend doing the same.
*
"Have you eaten today?" Chanyeol's mother asked as soon as she walked into his hospital room. She crossed the room in two long strides, although her legs were short, and gave Chanyeol a tight hug.
"Yes mom," Chanyeol said, and left out the part about not finishing his rice or his dessert.
"Good. I only have an hour before I have to go back to work and I just wanted to stop by to make sure you were eating." She cupped his face in her hands and sighed. "Omo, my boy is getting so skinny."
Chanyeol made a face at his mother. He pulled his sheets off his body and took a hold of the railing. "Could you help me get up? I need to use the bathroom."
"Of course sweetie, here, grab my shoulder."
Chanyeol took a hold of his mother's shoulder and slid off the bed. Once he was in front of the bathroom's door he gave his mother a look. "You can't go in with me."
She laughed and rolled her eyes. "I could if I wanted to. You're my baby."
Chanyeol shook his head, eyes glinting. "Yeah but this baby draws the line at you wiping his bum at the age of seventeen, okay? I'll be right back."
When he came back out, his mother was there to help him get to his bed. She was basically carrying him.
"Mom, I'm fine." Chanyeol said, exasperated. "I don't need you stopping by to check on me all the time. Especially if it could make you lose your job."
"Hush, I'll be fine." His mother crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm a grown adult, I know what I'm doing."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."
"Yes," she stood stiff, trying to look authoritative even though she was an entire foot shorter than Chanyeol. "It is whatever I say, because I'm the mother here."
Suddenly, Chanyeol bent down and hugged his mother tightly. "Thanks," he said and got back into his bed.
"What was that for?" she asked, a small blush on her cheeks.
"I don't know," Chanyeol shrugged. "For being the mother in this relationship."
His mother laughed and wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. At her job there was a therapist she had begun seeing. Chanyeol noticed her getting better, slowly but surely, every day. "You're just saying that so that I don't reprimand you for not finishing your lunch."
"How do you-"
"A mother knows everything, Chanyeol," she said, and gave him a kiss before leaving.
*
Chanyeol was having one of his horrible days the day he meets Baekhyun.
He had gotten the wrong breakfast; his bed's sheets were itchy; and his favorite football team was losing. Not to mention he could hardly breathe and his feet were throbbing and double their natural size.
He was in one of his moods. He was having a bad day, which frequented more and more often now as he grew weaker. He just wanted to sleep, and when instead, he was greeted by a singing voice from a small but loud guy, he rolled over and covered his ears.
"Hello," the guy said, too bright and chirpy for Chanyeol's taste at the moment. "I'm Baekhyun."
Chanyeol lifted his face and scanned the guy quickly. He wasn't that tall, probably couldn't even reach Chanyeol's shoulder. "What do you want?"
The guy seemed to ignore Chanyeol's tone, or he was just so happy that he was unaffected by it. "I don't know if you've heard, but the hospital has this program which allows music majors to practice their music therapy with you guys."
Chanyeol buried his face in his pillow, his voice coming out muffled. "Music therapy?"
"What was that?" Baekhyun asked.
Chanyeol sighed and removed the pillow from his face, making him wince at the bright lights. "What is music therapy?"
"Oh," Baekhyun said, seemingly embarrassed over not hearing Chanyeol the first time, but Chanyeol knew it was a ploy to get him to look at him. "It's a type of therapy that allows patients to express their feelings through music." Baekhyun took a step forward and cocked his head to the side, smiling at Chanyeol. "Would you like to try?"
"Not really," Chanyeol said and buried his head back under his pillow. He had a hard time breathing because of his position, but he figured Baekhyun would eventually get the point and leave.
"Having a bad day?" Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol just groaned in response. "Do you want me come back tomorrow?"
Chanyeol lifted the pillow and shook his head. "I'd like it if you didn't come back at all. I'm not interested in this music therapy crap."
Baekhyun didn't even seem offended by Chanyeol insulting his soon-to-be profession. "You say that now, but you'll change your mind." Baekhyun started to leave the room and stopped at the door. "They always do," he added over his shoulder before leaving.
*
Baekhyun came back the next day and was greeted to a laughing Chanyeol. He was watching a variety show in which idol stars were dressed up like animals and had to run through an obstacle course.
"Someone's feeling better today," Baekhyun said, toothy smile already in place, so early in the morning.
Chanyeol turned his attention to him and muted the tv. "Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday. I wasn't having my best day." Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck and lowered his head, ashamed. "I actually wasn't expecting you to come back after how I treated you."
Baekhyun smiled and shook his head. "I've had patients throw their milk cups at me and threaten that they're going to stab me with a needle; yesterday was child's play in comparison."
Chanyeol laughed and felt reassured. He hated his bad days because he always turned into a monster when everyone was only trying to help him. "I'm Chanyeol by the way."
"Baekhyun," he said as he rummaged through the large bag at his arm. "Well, Chanyeol, are you ready to do some of this music therapy crap?"
Chanyeol winced, but Baekhyun was smiling so he decided to smile too. "How old are you?" He asked. "You don't look that much older then me."
Baekhyun brought a chair closer to Chanyeol's bed and put his heavy bag on the chair. "I just turned 21 last week."
Chanyeol widened his eyes. "Wow."
Baekhyun raised an eyebrow.
"Sorry, you just look my age."
"And how old is that?" Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol noticed there was this sort of permanent tilt to his words, like he was ready to break out into song at any moment.
"Seventeen," Chanyeol said, and he lifted his chest to seem bigger than he was. In the past week alone he'd lost a good 2 kilos. He probably looked smaller than ever.
Baekhyun smiled and took out a note pad and two pens. "Okay, so today, I want to start by having you write words on this sheet of paper."
"What words?" Chanyeol asked, giving the paper Baekhyun was offering to him a weird look.
"Whichever words you want. I'm going to play some songs for you and I want you to tell me what they make you feel." Baekhyun's eye lit up as he spoke. The passion for his work evident in his words. "What they remind you of, if anything. Whatever you think of, I want to see it on this paper. I'll do it too so we can see our thoughts together."
Chanyeol felt a small smile creep onto his face. "That actually sounds pretty cool."
Baekhyun smiled and put a music dock on the dresser. "It is. This is one of my favorite exercises."
Chanyeol settled back on the bed, as if waiting for something marvelous and grand to happen. The first thing he heard was clapping, followed by a cello, then some wind instrument, and finally a soft voice singing in a foreign language Chanyeol didn't know.
He jot down the first words that came to mind and then he closed his eyes to let the rest of the song sync in.
Once it finished, Chanyeol opened his eyes and finished his analysis.
"So," Baekhyun started, pausing the music and sitting on the chair next to his bag. "How was that?"
Chanyeol scratched his forehead. "It was...interesting." He smoothed down his bangs and shrugged. "What language was that?"
Baekhyun took out another pad of paper, but this one had various things jotted down. Probably stuff about other patients, Chanyeol thought. "That was Afrikaans, a West Germanic language," Baekhyun said as he wrote things down on the paper. "Did you like the song?"
Chanyeol nodded and closed his eyes. His chest was beginning to tighten and his heart was palpitating, like the wings of a dying hummingbird.
Baekhyun looked up, meaning to ask Chanyeol again, but when he saw his face, he leaned forward. "What's wrong?"
Chanyeol smiled tightly, almost as tight as the pain in his chest. "Nothing, I'm fine. Uhm...what did you ask? If I liked the song?" Chanyeol bit down on his lip as his chest gave an uncomfortable squeeze. "Yeah...I liked it."
Baekhyun looked down at Chanyeol and put his hand on the railing. "We don't have to continue if you're feeling bad. I can come back tomorrow."
"No," Chanyeol said, breathing out of his nose, trying to exhale the pain away. Baekhyun was the first visitor Chanyeol had that hadn't treated him like he was precious China on the verge of breaking. Baekhyun was normal, he made Chanyeol feel normal.
"Good," Baekhyun said, all the concern vanished from his face and turned into determination. "I was just testing you."
Chanyeol narrowed his eyes at Baekhyun suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
Baekhyun smiled. "The whole point of music therapy is that it distracts the patient from their pain without any drugs. So even on your bad days, expect me here nagging at you and making you listen to all types of music." Baekhyun smiled brightly, revealing a bright twinkle in his eyes as they crinkled at the edges. "How does that sound?"
Chanyeol smiled, momentarily forgetting the uncomfortableness in his chest. "Sounds wonderful."
"Great, now tell me about some bands you like to listen to."
*
"They are absolute legends."
"Legends? Pshh, they are so overrated."
Baekhyun crossed his arms in defiance and gave Chanyeol a smug look. "Fine, who do you think is better?"
Chanyeol scrunched up his face and smiled. "Well Nirvana for one, Green Day, X-Japan." He jerked his chin at Baekhyun's note pad. "You should be writing this down."
Baekhyun rolled his eyes, smile dangling on his lips and shrugged. "I guess we can agree to disagree then."
Chanyeol smiled, proud as if he'd won the argument. In the past few weeks since they had met, Baekhyun visited every day and spent two to three hours with Chanyeol, practicing music therapy with him. Although Baekhyun didn't mention it, Chanyeol knew he was his favorite patient because Chanyeol was the youngest one in the Cardiology Department which they had transferred him to two weeks ago. At least, Chanyeol liked to think he was Baekhyun's favorite and that he was able to make Baekhyun smile a little more than other patients could.
"Okay so tomorrow I'm going to bring my friend Lay, he plays the guitar and he's really funny so you'll hit it off well."
Chanyeol nodded his head and leaned forward. He had a list of artists on a piece of paper and Baekhyun wanted him to circle the names of musicians he liked so that Baekhyun could make a playlist and then they could analyze and digest the songs together. Chanyeol's favorite part of the day was listening to Baekhyun, who had a wonderful voice that seemed to have ethereal powers, because it somehow calmed Chanyeol's aches and pains.
Baekhyun looked down at his watch and sighed. "Okay, we've got ten minutes before I have to go to Mrs. Hwang."
Chanyeol leered at Baekhyun. "That lady that tries to feel you up when you sing with her?"
Baekhyun didn't look amused over Chanyeol enjoying the fact that some old woman basically molested him. "Yes, that is the one." He lightly pinched Chanyeol's arm. "Now, tell me what you want to do."
Chanyeol smiled grandly, his eyes turning into two half moons on his face. "I want to hear you sing."
Baekhyun laughed at his expression and rubbed his throat. "Alright. What do you want to hear?"
Chanyeol thought for a moment and then picked the perfect song to end their session for the day. "Consolation, Kim Sarang."
Baekhyun smiled, a personal favorite of his. "Great choice. It seems your taste in music has gotten better the more time you spend with me."
Chanyeol grimaced but as soon as Baekhyun opened his mouth to sing, he sat back and closed his eyes. Maybe it was true, not that his taste was getting better, but it was becoming broader. Bands he had never heard of before were creeping into his favorite's list.
Baekhyun curled his fingers tightly to his chest as he reached a high note, and the veins in his neck extended out in pride. He kept his eyes down and sad, cast away as if thinking about the lover in the song. He thrummed his fingers as if he were playing the guitar riff in his head. Chanyeol smiled and made the noises of the other instruments, causing Baekhyun to burst out in laughter. He had to stop singing to compose himself and finished the song on another high note. He vocalized a few lines and ended with a soft smile.
"That was..." Chanyeol tried to keep his voice neutral as he gushed, "amazing. You need to enter a contest and win so you can show all the bitches how it's done."
Baekhyun raised his eyebrow and ruffled Chanyeol's hair with an easy smile. "Thanks, but I think I'll leave the bitches alone." Chanyeol moved his head away and scrunched his face up.
"Get some rest, okay?" Baekhyun said. "You always look more handsome after a good night's sleep."
Chanyeol cleared his throat, thankful his voice disguised his flattery over Baekhyun's comment. "And who do I have to look handsome for?"
Baekhyun winked at Chanyeol and put his things in his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. "For me of course. You don't want your favorite singer to go blind from looking at an ugly patient, now do you?"
Chanyeol guffawed and smacked his hand over his heart. "Ha! You're quite the funny man, calling me ugly, thinking you're my favorite singer."
Baekhyun put up a peace sign and then bent his fingers up and down, simulating a clawing motion. "See you tomorrow, Chanyeol. I want to see you refreshed and dapper." Baekhyun closed the door before Chanyeol could rebuttal, making him roll his eyes in frustration and amusement.
*
Baekhyun sat next to Chanyeol early on a Sunday morning. Baekhyun usually did quick visits around the hospital on Saturday's and didn't come on Sunday's, the only completely free day he had to himself. However, today, he met up with Chanyeol in the Recreational area in front of the cafeteria. He'd brought a guitar and Chanyeol was currently strumming away, playing soft melodies while Baekhyun talked to him about his life or hummed occasionally.
Chanyeol played a wrong cord and Baekhyun laughed at him. "You're so rusty, it's kind of embarrassing to be around you."
"Haha," Chanyeol said and began playing the Mario theme song over and over again, something Baekhyun had explicitly said he hated.
After four minutes of torture, Baekhyun began singing over it, and Chanyeol stopped playing to hear him. Other patients and nurses would occasionally stop to listen, smile happily at his voice and continue on their way. Chanyeol would stare at Baekhyun in awe, his eyes sparkling with wonder towards his amazing voice. Once Baekhyun finished one song, he would pick up another and another, his eyes landing on Chanyeol occasionally. After five songs, Baekhyun rubbed his throat and went to get a cup of water. He came back with a blanket and handed it to Chanyeol.
"What's this for?" Chanyeol asked.
"You looked cold," Baekhyun said simply, drinking out of his styrofoam cup from the cafeteria. "You know," he said, turning his body to look at Chanyeol, "when you watch me sing, you get this really funny expression."
"What expression?" Chanyeol asked, a bit embarrassed that Baekhyun noticed.
Baekhyun pushed his hair out of his face and widened his eyes as much as they could go, opened his mouth in a toothy grin, and stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth. Chanyeol burst out laughing. "You're exaggerating," he said, although he was known for pulling weird faces like that. His yearbook pictures could attest to that.
"I swear I'm not," Baekhyun said, trying to hold back his laughter. "It's a lot cuter when you do it though."
Chanyeol smiled and snuggled into the blanket. "What are you doing here anyway? Isn't Sunday your free day?"
"Oh so you're annoyed by my presence? You want me to leave?"
"No," Chanyeol said, waving his hands over his face. "Of course not. I just mean you usually don't come on Sundays."
Baekhyun shrugged and put his hands in his pocket, leaning down in his chair. "I guess they're a few patients I like to spend extra time with."
Chanyeol scratched his chin. Recently he'd been developing dry skin that bothered him like hell. "But you've only spent the morning with me."
Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol's hand away from his face and kissed it. "Exactly," he said with a wink.
Chanyeol retrieved his hand and put it under the blanket, on his heart that was beating a bit faster than usual. Baekhyun smiled and leaned away from Chanyeol. "I think you may just be the cutest patient I've ever had."
Chanyeol laughed to cover his embarrassment. "How long have you been doing this?"
Baekhyun counted on his fingers. "I've volunteered at the hospital since high school, so about five years I think."
Chanyeol smiled. "I think it's great that you do this. You know, take time out of your busy schoolwork to be here."
Baekhyun shook his head. "Trust me when I say you do more for me than I could ever do for you."
Chanyeol leaned his head back. Recently he'd started getting tired more and more often, but having Baekhyun with him made him jittery and happy. He put his hand on Baekhyun's arm and gave it a slight squeeze.
"I think it's mutual, Baek. You don't know the affect you have on people."
Baekhyun smiled into his hand and then placed it over Chanyeol's hand, liking how his hand looked over Chanyeol's.
*
Baekhyun strode into the room and went up to Chanyeol, putting his hands over Chanyeol's chest. "What's today?"
"A five and a half."
Baekhyun smiled and Chanyeol opened one eye so he could see his face glow. "Well that's better than yesterday's four."
Chanyeol shrugged one shoulder and placed his face sideways on the pillow. Sixty days since he had been in the hospital, 42 of those days had been between a four and a six, that was more than half, all thanks to Baekhyun and his music therapy.
The second week of knowing each other, Baekhyun told Chanyeol to give each day a number, depending on how good or lousy he felt. Most days before Baekhyun were a two or a three; after Baekhyun days were less painful. Whether his therapy, or just his presence, Chanyeol didn't know or care to distinguish, but something Baekhyun was doing made him feel better.
"You look good too, like a happy crab," Lay said.
Chanyeol laughed. Lay had started accompanying Baekhyun three times a week, and Baekhyun had been right, Lay and Chanyeol hit it off really well. Lay helped Chanyeol widen his guitar skills and he could make him laugh easily. Lay was very shy at first, but Chanyeol had a knack of helping people come out of their shells, and Baekhyun was just naturally calming, so Lay started joking around pretty quickly.
"I think you mean happy clam," Baekhyun corrected.
"Well yeah, but it made Chanyeol laugh so I guess crab will be the new saying."
Baekhyun threw Lay a look and stood behind his keyboard. Today, Baekhyun had insisted on doing a special performance for Chanyeol because he kept having good days and he thought it was a sign that he was going to be discharged soon. Chanyeol didn't want to get his hopes up, but he let Baekhyun do whatever it was he needed to do to convince himself that Chanyeol wasn't as sick as he actually was.
"Okay, so Lay and I made a sort of mini playlist of all your faves so you just sit back and relax your little head." Baekhyun's hands hovered over the keys and he smiled. "Ready?" he asked Lay, who nodded.
Just as they were about to begin, Chanyeol started wheezing, gripping his chest, and his body doubled over in pain. The nurses rushed in and asked Baekhyun and Lay to wait outside. Chanyeol didn't miss the look of utter concern on Baekhyun's face before he was pulled out by Lay.
"What hurts?" Joonmyun asked, placing his stethoscope on to check the pressure in Chanyeol's chest.
"Everything," Chanyeol groaned, rolling on his side. "Can't I get some Cyclosporin or something?"
Joonmyun pressed his index finger into the tender part above Chanyeol's heart. "No, I'm sorry to say but at this point your body would just reject the immunosuppressants." Joonmyun turned Chanyeol over and began listening to his back. "I need you to relax for me. I can't give you just any drug and hope it works. Your body could fall into a shock from all the foreign material inside it, including your new heart."
Chanyeol gasped as another sharp stabbing sensation punctured his chest. "Isn't it already doing that?"
"Yes, but I don't want it to accelerate the pain." Joonmyun's face was full of anguish as he tried to calm Chanyeol's pain but without having any way how. "Do you want me to put you to sleep? I could give you some sleeping tablets, but you could also just sleep through a heart attack."
Chanyeol groaned loudly. "That doesn't sound too appealing."
"I know, I know," Joonmyun took his stethoscope off and sighed. "I just don't know what I can do. I need to get you a donor but the one's that have shown up don't match." Joonmyun closed his eyes tightly in frustration. "Fuck shit, damn it."
When Chanyeol looked around the room, the nurses were staring at Joonmyun in surprise. He was too invested. They all were. Chanyeol tried to focus his breathing, practicing some of the techniques he learned, and then he saw Baekhyun staring at him through the glass, his hands suspended in the air beside his face, eyes trained on Chanyeol.
"I just need Baekhyun here," Chanyeol said, his eyes locked with Baekhyun's. Baekhyun's eyes widened at the forming of his name on Chanyeol's lips.
Joonmyun looked at Baekhyun too and put a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder. "Do you feel any better?"
"I will if he stays here and plays for me," Chanyeol said, motioning Baekhyun into the room.
Joonmyun ushered the nurses out and gave Baekhyun's shoulder a tight squeeze as he left them together.
Baekhyun stood in the middle of the room, suddenly looking small and lost about what to do. "I-"
Chanyeol cut him off and smiled, his hand curled around the collar of his hospital robe. "Can you please play something for me?"
Baekhyun opened his mouth and closed it a few times, until finally smiling brightly at Chanyeol's expecting face.
"Okay, uhm," Baekhyun went and stood behind the keyboard again. "Should I call Lay?"
"No," Chanyeol reached his hand out as if to touch Baekhyun, but he was too far away, so he let his fingers suspended in the air before retrieving his hand back to his side. "I just need to hear you for a while."
Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, looked up at Chanyeol's hopeful face, and then began to play.
Chanyeol managed his breathing and he focused on the way Baekhyun's finger's gently pressed down on the keys. He was playing Dustin O'Halloran's Opus 23, a soft and beautiful melody that Chanyeol had described as hopeful and calm the first time he heard it. Now, as Baekhyun played it, his elegant looking fingers extended majestically, Chanyeol let the melody surge through his body. The notes ascended and fell one after another, lulling Chanyeol's heavy eyelids. After a few moments, he felt as if he were floating contently over soft blue waves. The notes were his ship, Baekhyun's fingers his paddles.
Those were the emotions that stirred inside Chanyeol, and they allowed him to find calmness as he watched Baekhyun play. Baekhyun bit his tongue in concentration and smiled when his fingers messed up, but all Chanyeol could see was someone trying, and succeeding, at making him numb and happy better than any drug or new heart ever could.
He was content, for the first time in a long time. And he slowly drifted off to a sweet sleep with the realization that he'd found something so wonderful, it would be hard to say goodbye to it. To him.
*
Chanyeol slept for two days, waking up to eat and use the bathroom, but aside from that he just slept and slept. By the time he woke up, he feared he was getting weaker. His breathing was more labored. His feet were always swollen. His chest always hurt and the only thing that made it better was a familiar guy with a smile of gold.
Baekhyun peaked his head into his room a few days after Chanyeol's attack. He took a few tentative steps into the room and, upon seeing Chanyeol's calm face, he raced to Chanyeol's side and gave his arm a squeeze.
"You look so much better today, I was so worried when I'd stop by and just see you laying here."
Chanyeol managed a small smirk. "You've been checking up on me?"
Baekhyun looked down, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I just needed to see if you'd woken up yet. Besides, your mom wanted me to check up on you since she's been busy with work and her boss only gave her a day so she had to go back when you didn't wake up and-"
Chanyeol opened his arms and Baekhyun leaned forward and Chanyeol's arms came around his body to hug him. Baekhyun kept his arms pressed to his chest and let Chanyeol embrace him, allowing himself to look small and vulnerable if only in front of Chanyeol and for just a few moments.
"I was so scared," he whispered, pressing his nose into Chanyeol's neck before quickly retracting himself and clearing his throat.
"But you made me feel better," Chanyeol smiled and let his hand rest over Baekhyun's on the railing. "That music therapy crap actually works."
Baekhyun smiled. "I guess it does. Do you feel up to it today?"
Chanyeol sat up slightly and nodded. "But I have something else in mind for today."
Baekhyun made a face of appreciation. "Really? Well, what is it?"
Chanyeol smiled mischievously, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Lay told me you dance to Kpop songs."
Baekhyun let out a low groan that gradually built up into a growl. "That little punk, I'll kill him."
"Don't," Chanyeol said. "He just told me so I could use it as a pick me up whenever I feel down. And today's one of those days, so pick me up, Byun Baekhyun."
Baekhyun made a face but he managed to smile. "Okay, but if you laugh at me, I'm never dancing for you again."
"Isn't it supposed to make me laugh?" Chanyeol asked, grinning as soon as Baekhyun began to stretch.
"I take these dances very seriously," Baekhyun put his arm behind his back and stretched to the side. "This isn't for laughing purposes."
"Of course not," Chanyeol said, but he was already smirking at his ministrations. "Lay says you're great at doing Rainism."
Baekhyun frowned. "I swear, if anyone walks in on me doing this-"
"They're going to think you escaped from the psych ward." Chanyeol concluded. He clapped his hands. "Dance, monkey, dance."
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes as he put his iPod on the dock and Rainism began to play.
After he was finished, Chanyeol was hurting again, but from laughing so much. He had tears in his eyes and Baekhyun's permanent frown just added to his enjoyment.
"You are the worst person in the world." Baekhyun said.
Chanyeol chuckled and opened his arms again. "Come here, Rain wannabe."
Baekhyun kept his ground and shook his head, causing his bangs to swish from side to side.
"Come here," Chanyeol's eyes danced over Baekhyun's body. "Baby."
"If anyone's a baby here it's you," Baekhyun said, rendering to Chanyeol's coaxing and going back into his arms. Chanyeol rested his hands on Baekhyun's back and smiled, feeling his heart beat against his slower one. If Baekhyun noticed this, he didn't say anything and just let his fingers curl around Chanyeol's shirt. So far, all they did was hug, and although Chanyeol wanted more, he knew there was no point. He was dying, and he wouldn't dare be so unfair to Baekhyun as to start anything with him. No matter how much it hurt him not to.
"Tell me," Baekhyun whispered, so low Chanyeol thought he was imagining it. "Tell me you feel better."
Chanyeol felt tears welling up in his eyes so he frantically wiped them away before answering, just as softly, "I feel a lot better when I'm with you."
*
Kyungsoo came to visit him once school ended with an apologetic face and all of Chanyeol's homework.
"You have got to me kidding me," Chanyeol said in astonishment. "I swear, did your mother drop you a la Michael Jackson? Why the hell are you bringing homework to a dying boy?"
Kyungsoo winced and placed his backpack filled with assignments for Chanyeol on the seat by his bed. "Well, Mr. Kim just wanted to make sure you were well enough to do the homework."
Chanyeol smiled but Kyungsoo was looking at the machines by his bedside.
Chanyeol thought of an idea and waved his hand at Kyungsoo. "Give me your hand," he said.
Kyungsoo widened his eyes at him, giving him a suspicious look. "What for?"
"Just give me your hand, you wimp," Chanyeol demanded.
Kyungsoo extended his arm and put his palm, face up, in front of Chanyeol, who gripped his fingers with a broad smile.
"This is creeping me out," Kyungsoo said, his eyes large and questioning.
Chanyeol shrugged and gave Kyungsoo's hand a squeeze until Kyungsoo cursed and pulled his hand away.
"See?" Chanyeol asked.
"See what?" Kyungsoo asked. "You trying to break my hand?"
"That I still have some fight in me so you can stop looking at me like I'm a cat that got run over by a car fifty times."
Kyungsoo lowered his eyes in shame. "I'm sorry, I just-"
"I get that you feel anxious when you see me in here, and it's because I didn't tell you about my condition and I'm sorry about that," Chanyeol smiled sadly. "I guess I didn't want you to treat me differently just because I have this disease."
"But you could help me understand," Kyungsoo said. "I think if you'd explain it to me I'd be less anxious cause at least I'd know what you have."
"Okay," Chanyeol sat up and took a deep breath. "I'm going to show you something pretty gross so I'm sure you'll enjoy it."
He opened his robe and revealed his scar. It was a scar of about 5 inches long and half an inch wide in the middle of his chest that went from below his collarbones to just above his diaphragm.
"This is the scar from my first heart transplant that I got after being diagnosed with idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy." At Kyungsoo's surprised face, Chanyeol continued to explain. "Basically that's a condition you get when your heart is all wonky and it can't pump properly. Anyway, I was fine and healthy aside from my heart, which made it easier for me not to tell people." Chanyeol put his robe back on. "So having that disease lead to heart failure and then I got my surgery. But the thing is, after getting a heart transplant you're supposed to take these drugs that help your heart get used to its new body, but I couldn't pay for them and here we are," Chanyeol gestured around the room. "My second heart is failing and I'm just waiting until I get a third, although at this point I don't really think I deserve one. I've already stolen one person's heart; I don't want to be responsible for taking another person's life."
"Chanyeol," Kyungsoo said, wiping at his eyes. "People are going to die regardless. And you do deserve that heart because you deserve a second chance at life."
"I already had my opportunity at a second chance at life and I used that one up," Chanyeol smiled, casting his eyes out into the hallway. "I'm at the end of my rope, Soo."
"Don't talk like that," Kyungsoo said, letting his tears fall freely as he hit Chanyeol's arm. "You're scaring me."
Chanyeol looked up at the light that shone over his bed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, I'm scaring myself too."
'You don't know how much.' Chanyeol thought.
Part two
Baekhyun/Chanyeol
PG-13
The more Baekhyun got closer to Chanyeol, the more Chanyeol would drift away from him.
Chanyeol always smiled.
From the moment he was born into the world with a loud squeak, which was followed by excessive giggling. All the doctors were surprised over the fact that he barely fussed. He had merely smiled and reached his arms towards his mother while making bubbles with his spit; but cry, was something he did not do.
As he grew older, Chanyeol was a rambunctious kid who made friends with everyone and was something of a class clown. He rarely got into trouble; all his jokes were good-natured. He was just a good kid. He got good grades. He hardly gave his parents any trouble.
That was, until he started to run a little slower, breathe a little heavier and cough until it seemed his very lungs would come out. After multiple check ups and tests, the doctor's said he had coronary heart disease, which meant his heart was failing, and slowly but surely he would need a new heart in a few years. And, sooner than expected, they were right.
By the time Chanyeol was 12, he could barely get through the day without feeling dizzy or vomiting. He was so weak that on his thirteenth birthday, instead of getting a robot themed party like he wanted, he got his appointment for his heart transplant.
"Are you nervous, honey?" His mother asked moments before the transplant. Her hands were shaking as she held Chanyeol's steady ones and her voice wavered uncontrollably. "Don't be nervous, sweetie. Everything is going to be fine. You're a healthy boy; the doctors say you're going to come out as good as new."
Chanyeol smiled weakly and tightened his grip on his mother's hands. During moments like these, he felt like he was the parent consoling the child. His mother was always a nervous wreck. His father, on the other hand, barely said a word and just signed his consent when it was needed.
"Okay," Joonmyun, his surgeon and favorite person after his mother, said as he came into Chanyeol's room. "How's my favorite patient?"
Chanyeol rolled his eyes playfully. "You say that to all your patients, doc."
"No, I don't," Joonmyun said, looking offended at Chanyeol's accusation. "You are by far my favorite." Chanyeol snickered. "So are you ready to get a new heart? I hope this one makes you more patient at video games."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes again. He knew that his new heart wasn't going to change who he was as a person, but Joonmyun always joked in that manner with Chanyeol. It was one of the reasons Chanyeol liked him so much; he didn't treat him like something he had to handle with caution as if he would break. Unlike everyone else, Chanyeol never felt like a porcelain doll around his doctor. He felt like a boy, a real person.
"Okay, let's get him ready for surgery," Joonmyun told the nurses. "We're going to do this right so you only need one heart and I never have to see you again."
Chanyeol laughed but his mother shook nervously. "What do you mean "only need one heart"? There's a possibility he could need another transplant?"
"Well, in rare cases, the body of the patient rejects the heart and we need to find them another donor, but that's in very odd cases and mainly in patients who have a history of illness or drug abuse in their families." Joonmyun smiled at Chanyeol and they did their secret handshake which involved Chanyeol squeezing Joonmyun's hand as hard as he could until his doctor yelped.
"Chanyeol's going to be fine." Joonmyun reassured his mother.
Chanyeol blew a kiss to his mother and went into a surgery that he swore to himself he would never go back into.
*
"Dude, stop hogging the ball and pass it will you?"
Chanyeol stood in the middle of the soccer field in his gym uniform and wiped his sweaty brow with the end of his shirt, receiving wandering looks from a few of his female classmates who were sitting in the stands, waiting their for their turn to play.
His best friend, Kyungsoo made a face at him and shoved him as he passed. "Stop giving the girls something to drool over and get your ass in the game. I want to serve up Jongin's team for being cocky bastards."
Chanyeol smiled at his friend and rushed passed him with the ball. He passed it to their receiver, Sehun, and then ran a few meters and retrieved it. Just as he was about to make the winning goal of their game, his chest tightened uncomfortably and before he knew it, his knees were buckling and his feet were off the grass.
He heard boys yelling at him, his gym teacher barking orders, and shrill shrieks coming from the girls, but, he couldn't move. He saw figures moving across his vision; and moments later he was being lifted onto a gurney and put inside an ambulance. His eyes kept losing focus and he found it so hard to pay attention to the things around him that he decided to close his eyes, only for a little while.
When he opened them, he was back in a hospital room. An IV drip was connected to his arm and he had respiratory assistance. This all looked too familiar and he groaned when he saw his mother curled up on one of the hospital's uncomfortable chairs in the corner of his room. As soon as he sat up, his mother stirred and rushed to his side.
"Oh my baby," she said, tears rushing down her face in a frenzy. "Sweetheart, how you do feel? You scared me so much."
Chanyeol settled into his stiff pillows and moved his toes, which were tingling from staying still for God knows how long. "I'm really tired," he yawned for emphasis. "Can I just rest for a while? Deal with all this later?"
His mother nodded and tucked his blanket under his chin as he closed his eyes. He wasn't really exhausted, but he needed a few more hours of tranquility before falling into the cycle of depression and anguish he always got when he was in the hospital. Last time he had to stay for two weeks due to his legs being swollen. The doctor said his new heart was having a hard time getting used to its new body, so he upped the dose of his immunosuppressants, a drug that was meant to help the body function correctly with his heart. That had worked fine until a few weeks ago when Chanyeol's mom couldn't continue paying for them. As a result, he fainted on his way to Pre-Calculus, and now on the soccer field.
Chanyeol slept for another few hours and when he woke up a second time, Joonmyun and his mother were talking in hushed voices, heads bent together, his mother still crying.
Joonmyun turned to Chanyeol as soon as he saw him stir out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, look who's up."
Chanyeol waved at his doctor. "What's the diagnosis this time, doc? Do I need a new spleen or maybe a kidney?"
Chanyeol was smiling, but his smile fell when his mother let out a sob and Joonmyun looked down at the ground.
"What? What is it?" Chanyeol asked, trying to strip the answer from out of the silence that suddenly fell over the room.
"You-," Joonmyun sighed and passed a hand over his face, bringing down the lines that had formed over the years, some thanks to Chanyeol.
"Don't sugar coat it, doc." Chanyeol said, looking at his doctor with the confidence and pride of any 17 year old boy who had been beaten enough times to know when a storm was coming. "Give me my medicine."
"Your fainting at school was caused by Ischemia." At Chanyeol's eyebrow raise, Joonmyun continued explaining. "That happens when the fatty matter and plaque buildup in your artery have caused it to become so narrow that it's not allowing for blood to get to your heart and assist it to pump regularly."
Chanyeol let the information sink in. "So what does that mean for me?"
Joonmyun sighed and lowered his eyes to his chart, stealing a glance from Chanyeol before speaking again. "It means your body is rejecting your new heart. We could put you on a VAD, but with your condition, I think a transplant would be best."
Chanyeol threw his head back and scoffed, truly not able to believe his luck. "You mean I need a new heart? Didn't we already go through this?"
Chanyeol's mother took his hands and kissed them softly. Ever since the divorce two year's ago (after Chanyeol's first signs of relapse and the hospital bills kept getting longer), Chanyeol's mother had fallen into depression, and with the fact that there was only one paycheck, they could no longer pay for his recovery medicine. Chanyeol could see in her face that she was blaming this entirely on herself.
"I'm sorry, Chanyeol." She said, burying her face in her hands, ashamed and regretful. "If only I had taken that third job, I would have been able to pay for your medicine."
"No, mom," Chanyeol winced at her tears falling on his trembling hands. "Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. I'm the faulty one here. This piece of crap body of mine, making you suffer uselessly."
Joonmyun stepped forward and clasped Chanyeol's shoulder. In the past years since his first surgery, Joonmyun had acted like a father to Chanyeol. He would often visit him and have dinner with Chanyeol and his mom. When Chanyeol had to stop taking his medicine, Joonmyun tried to get him a special grant, but the hospital couldn't afford such expensive drugs.
"What happens now?" Chanyeol asked once the silence began to suffocate him.
"Now we put you back on the transplant list and wait for a match."
Chanyeol kissed both their hands and settled back on the pillows. "Well, now we wait."
*
"Mr. Kim said he'll give you two more weeks to hand in your paper, but he expects it before finals."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes at Kyungsoo, who was currently walking around his hospital room, finishing Chanyeol's jello cup.
"You come to your dying best friend's hospital room to talk to him about some jackass teacher's assignment? There is something clearly wrong with you." Chanyeol said, changing the channel on his tv.
"You've been saying you're dying ever since I met you," Kyungsoo said, pushing Chanyeol's shoulder to sit next to him on the bed. "I'm still waiting for the day."
Chanyeol scoffed in mock annoyance. "Don't worry, you'll get your wish soon enough."
Even though Kyungsoo was Chanyeol's best friend, Chanyeol told him little about how serious his condition was. Most of his friends didn't generally know how to be around sick people, so Chanyeol made it easier by saying he had heart problems ever since he was a kid and he had to stay in the hospital sometimes.
When Kyungsoo visited, they would usually spend the day playing video games and occasionally walk around the halls to hit on girls. Sadly, Chanyeol was one of the eldest kids in the children's ward, so they had to settle on the nurses-to-be.
One day, Kyungsoo walked in on Chanyeol wheezing so bad, the nurses asked him to wait outside. Once it was clear for him to walk in, Chanyeol gave him a weak smile.
"You're such a sissy, can't take a guy breathing weird?"
But Kyungsoo wasn't smiling. "You really scared me there, hyung."
Chanyeol groaned; Kyungsoo rarely called him hyung. "Come on, don't act different just because I'm dying. I thought you were a real man."
Kyungsoo smiled at their inside joke and shoved his shoulder (even though Chanyeol felt it much lighter this time), and sat beside him. "You sounded like an old man coughing your lungs out."
"That's cause I am." Chanyeol smirked. "I'm an old man trapped in a sexy teenage boy's body."
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, but he kept his distance and didn't smack Chanyeol the way he would have normally. Chanyeol tried not to let it bother him, but this was exactly what he didn't want to happen when people found out. He already had enough hospital staff treating him like a frail child; he didn't need his best friend doing the same.
*
"Have you eaten today?" Chanyeol's mother asked as soon as she walked into his hospital room. She crossed the room in two long strides, although her legs were short, and gave Chanyeol a tight hug.
"Yes mom," Chanyeol said, and left out the part about not finishing his rice or his dessert.
"Good. I only have an hour before I have to go back to work and I just wanted to stop by to make sure you were eating." She cupped his face in her hands and sighed. "Omo, my boy is getting so skinny."
Chanyeol made a face at his mother. He pulled his sheets off his body and took a hold of the railing. "Could you help me get up? I need to use the bathroom."
"Of course sweetie, here, grab my shoulder."
Chanyeol took a hold of his mother's shoulder and slid off the bed. Once he was in front of the bathroom's door he gave his mother a look. "You can't go in with me."
She laughed and rolled her eyes. "I could if I wanted to. You're my baby."
Chanyeol shook his head, eyes glinting. "Yeah but this baby draws the line at you wiping his bum at the age of seventeen, okay? I'll be right back."
When he came back out, his mother was there to help him get to his bed. She was basically carrying him.
"Mom, I'm fine." Chanyeol said, exasperated. "I don't need you stopping by to check on me all the time. Especially if it could make you lose your job."
"Hush, I'll be fine." His mother crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm a grown adult, I know what I'm doing."
Chanyeol rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."
"Yes," she stood stiff, trying to look authoritative even though she was an entire foot shorter than Chanyeol. "It is whatever I say, because I'm the mother here."
Suddenly, Chanyeol bent down and hugged his mother tightly. "Thanks," he said and got back into his bed.
"What was that for?" she asked, a small blush on her cheeks.
"I don't know," Chanyeol shrugged. "For being the mother in this relationship."
His mother laughed and wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. At her job there was a therapist she had begun seeing. Chanyeol noticed her getting better, slowly but surely, every day. "You're just saying that so that I don't reprimand you for not finishing your lunch."
"How do you-"
"A mother knows everything, Chanyeol," she said, and gave him a kiss before leaving.
*
Chanyeol was having one of his horrible days the day he meets Baekhyun.
He had gotten the wrong breakfast; his bed's sheets were itchy; and his favorite football team was losing. Not to mention he could hardly breathe and his feet were throbbing and double their natural size.
He was in one of his moods. He was having a bad day, which frequented more and more often now as he grew weaker. He just wanted to sleep, and when instead, he was greeted by a singing voice from a small but loud guy, he rolled over and covered his ears.
"Hello," the guy said, too bright and chirpy for Chanyeol's taste at the moment. "I'm Baekhyun."
Chanyeol lifted his face and scanned the guy quickly. He wasn't that tall, probably couldn't even reach Chanyeol's shoulder. "What do you want?"
The guy seemed to ignore Chanyeol's tone, or he was just so happy that he was unaffected by it. "I don't know if you've heard, but the hospital has this program which allows music majors to practice their music therapy with you guys."
Chanyeol buried his face in his pillow, his voice coming out muffled. "Music therapy?"
"What was that?" Baekhyun asked.
Chanyeol sighed and removed the pillow from his face, making him wince at the bright lights. "What is music therapy?"
"Oh," Baekhyun said, seemingly embarrassed over not hearing Chanyeol the first time, but Chanyeol knew it was a ploy to get him to look at him. "It's a type of therapy that allows patients to express their feelings through music." Baekhyun took a step forward and cocked his head to the side, smiling at Chanyeol. "Would you like to try?"
"Not really," Chanyeol said and buried his head back under his pillow. He had a hard time breathing because of his position, but he figured Baekhyun would eventually get the point and leave.
"Having a bad day?" Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol just groaned in response. "Do you want me come back tomorrow?"
Chanyeol lifted the pillow and shook his head. "I'd like it if you didn't come back at all. I'm not interested in this music therapy crap."
Baekhyun didn't even seem offended by Chanyeol insulting his soon-to-be profession. "You say that now, but you'll change your mind." Baekhyun started to leave the room and stopped at the door. "They always do," he added over his shoulder before leaving.
*
Baekhyun came back the next day and was greeted to a laughing Chanyeol. He was watching a variety show in which idol stars were dressed up like animals and had to run through an obstacle course.
"Someone's feeling better today," Baekhyun said, toothy smile already in place, so early in the morning.
Chanyeol turned his attention to him and muted the tv. "Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday. I wasn't having my best day." Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck and lowered his head, ashamed. "I actually wasn't expecting you to come back after how I treated you."
Baekhyun smiled and shook his head. "I've had patients throw their milk cups at me and threaten that they're going to stab me with a needle; yesterday was child's play in comparison."
Chanyeol laughed and felt reassured. He hated his bad days because he always turned into a monster when everyone was only trying to help him. "I'm Chanyeol by the way."
"Baekhyun," he said as he rummaged through the large bag at his arm. "Well, Chanyeol, are you ready to do some of this music therapy crap?"
Chanyeol winced, but Baekhyun was smiling so he decided to smile too. "How old are you?" He asked. "You don't look that much older then me."
Baekhyun brought a chair closer to Chanyeol's bed and put his heavy bag on the chair. "I just turned 21 last week."
Chanyeol widened his eyes. "Wow."
Baekhyun raised an eyebrow.
"Sorry, you just look my age."
"And how old is that?" Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol noticed there was this sort of permanent tilt to his words, like he was ready to break out into song at any moment.
"Seventeen," Chanyeol said, and he lifted his chest to seem bigger than he was. In the past week alone he'd lost a good 2 kilos. He probably looked smaller than ever.
Baekhyun smiled and took out a note pad and two pens. "Okay, so today, I want to start by having you write words on this sheet of paper."
"What words?" Chanyeol asked, giving the paper Baekhyun was offering to him a weird look.
"Whichever words you want. I'm going to play some songs for you and I want you to tell me what they make you feel." Baekhyun's eye lit up as he spoke. The passion for his work evident in his words. "What they remind you of, if anything. Whatever you think of, I want to see it on this paper. I'll do it too so we can see our thoughts together."
Chanyeol felt a small smile creep onto his face. "That actually sounds pretty cool."
Baekhyun smiled and put a music dock on the dresser. "It is. This is one of my favorite exercises."
Chanyeol settled back on the bed, as if waiting for something marvelous and grand to happen. The first thing he heard was clapping, followed by a cello, then some wind instrument, and finally a soft voice singing in a foreign language Chanyeol didn't know.
He jot down the first words that came to mind and then he closed his eyes to let the rest of the song sync in.
Once it finished, Chanyeol opened his eyes and finished his analysis.
"So," Baekhyun started, pausing the music and sitting on the chair next to his bag. "How was that?"
Chanyeol scratched his forehead. "It was...interesting." He smoothed down his bangs and shrugged. "What language was that?"
Baekhyun took out another pad of paper, but this one had various things jotted down. Probably stuff about other patients, Chanyeol thought. "That was Afrikaans, a West Germanic language," Baekhyun said as he wrote things down on the paper. "Did you like the song?"
Chanyeol nodded and closed his eyes. His chest was beginning to tighten and his heart was palpitating, like the wings of a dying hummingbird.
Baekhyun looked up, meaning to ask Chanyeol again, but when he saw his face, he leaned forward. "What's wrong?"
Chanyeol smiled tightly, almost as tight as the pain in his chest. "Nothing, I'm fine. Uhm...what did you ask? If I liked the song?" Chanyeol bit down on his lip as his chest gave an uncomfortable squeeze. "Yeah...I liked it."
Baekhyun looked down at Chanyeol and put his hand on the railing. "We don't have to continue if you're feeling bad. I can come back tomorrow."
"No," Chanyeol said, breathing out of his nose, trying to exhale the pain away. Baekhyun was the first visitor Chanyeol had that hadn't treated him like he was precious China on the verge of breaking. Baekhyun was normal, he made Chanyeol feel normal.
"Good," Baekhyun said, all the concern vanished from his face and turned into determination. "I was just testing you."
Chanyeol narrowed his eyes at Baekhyun suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
Baekhyun smiled. "The whole point of music therapy is that it distracts the patient from their pain without any drugs. So even on your bad days, expect me here nagging at you and making you listen to all types of music." Baekhyun smiled brightly, revealing a bright twinkle in his eyes as they crinkled at the edges. "How does that sound?"
Chanyeol smiled, momentarily forgetting the uncomfortableness in his chest. "Sounds wonderful."
"Great, now tell me about some bands you like to listen to."
*
"They are absolute legends."
"Legends? Pshh, they are so overrated."
Baekhyun crossed his arms in defiance and gave Chanyeol a smug look. "Fine, who do you think is better?"
Chanyeol scrunched up his face and smiled. "Well Nirvana for one, Green Day, X-Japan." He jerked his chin at Baekhyun's note pad. "You should be writing this down."
Baekhyun rolled his eyes, smile dangling on his lips and shrugged. "I guess we can agree to disagree then."
Chanyeol smiled, proud as if he'd won the argument. In the past few weeks since they had met, Baekhyun visited every day and spent two to three hours with Chanyeol, practicing music therapy with him. Although Baekhyun didn't mention it, Chanyeol knew he was his favorite patient because Chanyeol was the youngest one in the Cardiology Department which they had transferred him to two weeks ago. At least, Chanyeol liked to think he was Baekhyun's favorite and that he was able to make Baekhyun smile a little more than other patients could.
"Okay so tomorrow I'm going to bring my friend Lay, he plays the guitar and he's really funny so you'll hit it off well."
Chanyeol nodded his head and leaned forward. He had a list of artists on a piece of paper and Baekhyun wanted him to circle the names of musicians he liked so that Baekhyun could make a playlist and then they could analyze and digest the songs together. Chanyeol's favorite part of the day was listening to Baekhyun, who had a wonderful voice that seemed to have ethereal powers, because it somehow calmed Chanyeol's aches and pains.
Baekhyun looked down at his watch and sighed. "Okay, we've got ten minutes before I have to go to Mrs. Hwang."
Chanyeol leered at Baekhyun. "That lady that tries to feel you up when you sing with her?"
Baekhyun didn't look amused over Chanyeol enjoying the fact that some old woman basically molested him. "Yes, that is the one." He lightly pinched Chanyeol's arm. "Now, tell me what you want to do."
Chanyeol smiled grandly, his eyes turning into two half moons on his face. "I want to hear you sing."
Baekhyun laughed at his expression and rubbed his throat. "Alright. What do you want to hear?"
Chanyeol thought for a moment and then picked the perfect song to end their session for the day. "Consolation, Kim Sarang."
Baekhyun smiled, a personal favorite of his. "Great choice. It seems your taste in music has gotten better the more time you spend with me."
Chanyeol grimaced but as soon as Baekhyun opened his mouth to sing, he sat back and closed his eyes. Maybe it was true, not that his taste was getting better, but it was becoming broader. Bands he had never heard of before were creeping into his favorite's list.
Baekhyun curled his fingers tightly to his chest as he reached a high note, and the veins in his neck extended out in pride. He kept his eyes down and sad, cast away as if thinking about the lover in the song. He thrummed his fingers as if he were playing the guitar riff in his head. Chanyeol smiled and made the noises of the other instruments, causing Baekhyun to burst out in laughter. He had to stop singing to compose himself and finished the song on another high note. He vocalized a few lines and ended with a soft smile.
"That was..." Chanyeol tried to keep his voice neutral as he gushed, "amazing. You need to enter a contest and win so you can show all the bitches how it's done."
Baekhyun raised his eyebrow and ruffled Chanyeol's hair with an easy smile. "Thanks, but I think I'll leave the bitches alone." Chanyeol moved his head away and scrunched his face up.
"Get some rest, okay?" Baekhyun said. "You always look more handsome after a good night's sleep."
Chanyeol cleared his throat, thankful his voice disguised his flattery over Baekhyun's comment. "And who do I have to look handsome for?"
Baekhyun winked at Chanyeol and put his things in his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. "For me of course. You don't want your favorite singer to go blind from looking at an ugly patient, now do you?"
Chanyeol guffawed and smacked his hand over his heart. "Ha! You're quite the funny man, calling me ugly, thinking you're my favorite singer."
Baekhyun put up a peace sign and then bent his fingers up and down, simulating a clawing motion. "See you tomorrow, Chanyeol. I want to see you refreshed and dapper." Baekhyun closed the door before Chanyeol could rebuttal, making him roll his eyes in frustration and amusement.
*
Baekhyun sat next to Chanyeol early on a Sunday morning. Baekhyun usually did quick visits around the hospital on Saturday's and didn't come on Sunday's, the only completely free day he had to himself. However, today, he met up with Chanyeol in the Recreational area in front of the cafeteria. He'd brought a guitar and Chanyeol was currently strumming away, playing soft melodies while Baekhyun talked to him about his life or hummed occasionally.
Chanyeol played a wrong cord and Baekhyun laughed at him. "You're so rusty, it's kind of embarrassing to be around you."
"Haha," Chanyeol said and began playing the Mario theme song over and over again, something Baekhyun had explicitly said he hated.
After four minutes of torture, Baekhyun began singing over it, and Chanyeol stopped playing to hear him. Other patients and nurses would occasionally stop to listen, smile happily at his voice and continue on their way. Chanyeol would stare at Baekhyun in awe, his eyes sparkling with wonder towards his amazing voice. Once Baekhyun finished one song, he would pick up another and another, his eyes landing on Chanyeol occasionally. After five songs, Baekhyun rubbed his throat and went to get a cup of water. He came back with a blanket and handed it to Chanyeol.
"What's this for?" Chanyeol asked.
"You looked cold," Baekhyun said simply, drinking out of his styrofoam cup from the cafeteria. "You know," he said, turning his body to look at Chanyeol, "when you watch me sing, you get this really funny expression."
"What expression?" Chanyeol asked, a bit embarrassed that Baekhyun noticed.
Baekhyun pushed his hair out of his face and widened his eyes as much as they could go, opened his mouth in a toothy grin, and stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth. Chanyeol burst out laughing. "You're exaggerating," he said, although he was known for pulling weird faces like that. His yearbook pictures could attest to that.
"I swear I'm not," Baekhyun said, trying to hold back his laughter. "It's a lot cuter when you do it though."
Chanyeol smiled and snuggled into the blanket. "What are you doing here anyway? Isn't Sunday your free day?"
"Oh so you're annoyed by my presence? You want me to leave?"
"No," Chanyeol said, waving his hands over his face. "Of course not. I just mean you usually don't come on Sundays."
Baekhyun shrugged and put his hands in his pocket, leaning down in his chair. "I guess they're a few patients I like to spend extra time with."
Chanyeol scratched his chin. Recently he'd been developing dry skin that bothered him like hell. "But you've only spent the morning with me."
Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol's hand away from his face and kissed it. "Exactly," he said with a wink.
Chanyeol retrieved his hand and put it under the blanket, on his heart that was beating a bit faster than usual. Baekhyun smiled and leaned away from Chanyeol. "I think you may just be the cutest patient I've ever had."
Chanyeol laughed to cover his embarrassment. "How long have you been doing this?"
Baekhyun counted on his fingers. "I've volunteered at the hospital since high school, so about five years I think."
Chanyeol smiled. "I think it's great that you do this. You know, take time out of your busy schoolwork to be here."
Baekhyun shook his head. "Trust me when I say you do more for me than I could ever do for you."
Chanyeol leaned his head back. Recently he'd started getting tired more and more often, but having Baekhyun with him made him jittery and happy. He put his hand on Baekhyun's arm and gave it a slight squeeze.
"I think it's mutual, Baek. You don't know the affect you have on people."
Baekhyun smiled into his hand and then placed it over Chanyeol's hand, liking how his hand looked over Chanyeol's.
*
Baekhyun strode into the room and went up to Chanyeol, putting his hands over Chanyeol's chest. "What's today?"
"A five and a half."
Baekhyun smiled and Chanyeol opened one eye so he could see his face glow. "Well that's better than yesterday's four."
Chanyeol shrugged one shoulder and placed his face sideways on the pillow. Sixty days since he had been in the hospital, 42 of those days had been between a four and a six, that was more than half, all thanks to Baekhyun and his music therapy.
The second week of knowing each other, Baekhyun told Chanyeol to give each day a number, depending on how good or lousy he felt. Most days before Baekhyun were a two or a three; after Baekhyun days were less painful. Whether his therapy, or just his presence, Chanyeol didn't know or care to distinguish, but something Baekhyun was doing made him feel better.
"You look good too, like a happy crab," Lay said.
Chanyeol laughed. Lay had started accompanying Baekhyun three times a week, and Baekhyun had been right, Lay and Chanyeol hit it off really well. Lay helped Chanyeol widen his guitar skills and he could make him laugh easily. Lay was very shy at first, but Chanyeol had a knack of helping people come out of their shells, and Baekhyun was just naturally calming, so Lay started joking around pretty quickly.
"I think you mean happy clam," Baekhyun corrected.
"Well yeah, but it made Chanyeol laugh so I guess crab will be the new saying."
Baekhyun threw Lay a look and stood behind his keyboard. Today, Baekhyun had insisted on doing a special performance for Chanyeol because he kept having good days and he thought it was a sign that he was going to be discharged soon. Chanyeol didn't want to get his hopes up, but he let Baekhyun do whatever it was he needed to do to convince himself that Chanyeol wasn't as sick as he actually was.
"Okay, so Lay and I made a sort of mini playlist of all your faves so you just sit back and relax your little head." Baekhyun's hands hovered over the keys and he smiled. "Ready?" he asked Lay, who nodded.
Just as they were about to begin, Chanyeol started wheezing, gripping his chest, and his body doubled over in pain. The nurses rushed in and asked Baekhyun and Lay to wait outside. Chanyeol didn't miss the look of utter concern on Baekhyun's face before he was pulled out by Lay.
"What hurts?" Joonmyun asked, placing his stethoscope on to check the pressure in Chanyeol's chest.
"Everything," Chanyeol groaned, rolling on his side. "Can't I get some Cyclosporin or something?"
Joonmyun pressed his index finger into the tender part above Chanyeol's heart. "No, I'm sorry to say but at this point your body would just reject the immunosuppressants." Joonmyun turned Chanyeol over and began listening to his back. "I need you to relax for me. I can't give you just any drug and hope it works. Your body could fall into a shock from all the foreign material inside it, including your new heart."
Chanyeol gasped as another sharp stabbing sensation punctured his chest. "Isn't it already doing that?"
"Yes, but I don't want it to accelerate the pain." Joonmyun's face was full of anguish as he tried to calm Chanyeol's pain but without having any way how. "Do you want me to put you to sleep? I could give you some sleeping tablets, but you could also just sleep through a heart attack."
Chanyeol groaned loudly. "That doesn't sound too appealing."
"I know, I know," Joonmyun took his stethoscope off and sighed. "I just don't know what I can do. I need to get you a donor but the one's that have shown up don't match." Joonmyun closed his eyes tightly in frustration. "Fuck shit, damn it."
When Chanyeol looked around the room, the nurses were staring at Joonmyun in surprise. He was too invested. They all were. Chanyeol tried to focus his breathing, practicing some of the techniques he learned, and then he saw Baekhyun staring at him through the glass, his hands suspended in the air beside his face, eyes trained on Chanyeol.
"I just need Baekhyun here," Chanyeol said, his eyes locked with Baekhyun's. Baekhyun's eyes widened at the forming of his name on Chanyeol's lips.
Joonmyun looked at Baekhyun too and put a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder. "Do you feel any better?"
"I will if he stays here and plays for me," Chanyeol said, motioning Baekhyun into the room.
Joonmyun ushered the nurses out and gave Baekhyun's shoulder a tight squeeze as he left them together.
Baekhyun stood in the middle of the room, suddenly looking small and lost about what to do. "I-"
Chanyeol cut him off and smiled, his hand curled around the collar of his hospital robe. "Can you please play something for me?"
Baekhyun opened his mouth and closed it a few times, until finally smiling brightly at Chanyeol's expecting face.
"Okay, uhm," Baekhyun went and stood behind the keyboard again. "Should I call Lay?"
"No," Chanyeol reached his hand out as if to touch Baekhyun, but he was too far away, so he let his fingers suspended in the air before retrieving his hand back to his side. "I just need to hear you for a while."
Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, looked up at Chanyeol's hopeful face, and then began to play.
Chanyeol managed his breathing and he focused on the way Baekhyun's finger's gently pressed down on the keys. He was playing Dustin O'Halloran's Opus 23, a soft and beautiful melody that Chanyeol had described as hopeful and calm the first time he heard it. Now, as Baekhyun played it, his elegant looking fingers extended majestically, Chanyeol let the melody surge through his body. The notes ascended and fell one after another, lulling Chanyeol's heavy eyelids. After a few moments, he felt as if he were floating contently over soft blue waves. The notes were his ship, Baekhyun's fingers his paddles.
Those were the emotions that stirred inside Chanyeol, and they allowed him to find calmness as he watched Baekhyun play. Baekhyun bit his tongue in concentration and smiled when his fingers messed up, but all Chanyeol could see was someone trying, and succeeding, at making him numb and happy better than any drug or new heart ever could.
He was content, for the first time in a long time. And he slowly drifted off to a sweet sleep with the realization that he'd found something so wonderful, it would be hard to say goodbye to it. To him.
*
Chanyeol slept for two days, waking up to eat and use the bathroom, but aside from that he just slept and slept. By the time he woke up, he feared he was getting weaker. His breathing was more labored. His feet were always swollen. His chest always hurt and the only thing that made it better was a familiar guy with a smile of gold.
Baekhyun peaked his head into his room a few days after Chanyeol's attack. He took a few tentative steps into the room and, upon seeing Chanyeol's calm face, he raced to Chanyeol's side and gave his arm a squeeze.
"You look so much better today, I was so worried when I'd stop by and just see you laying here."
Chanyeol managed a small smirk. "You've been checking up on me?"
Baekhyun looked down, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I just needed to see if you'd woken up yet. Besides, your mom wanted me to check up on you since she's been busy with work and her boss only gave her a day so she had to go back when you didn't wake up and-"
Chanyeol opened his arms and Baekhyun leaned forward and Chanyeol's arms came around his body to hug him. Baekhyun kept his arms pressed to his chest and let Chanyeol embrace him, allowing himself to look small and vulnerable if only in front of Chanyeol and for just a few moments.
"I was so scared," he whispered, pressing his nose into Chanyeol's neck before quickly retracting himself and clearing his throat.
"But you made me feel better," Chanyeol smiled and let his hand rest over Baekhyun's on the railing. "That music therapy crap actually works."
Baekhyun smiled. "I guess it does. Do you feel up to it today?"
Chanyeol sat up slightly and nodded. "But I have something else in mind for today."
Baekhyun made a face of appreciation. "Really? Well, what is it?"
Chanyeol smiled mischievously, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Lay told me you dance to Kpop songs."
Baekhyun let out a low groan that gradually built up into a growl. "That little punk, I'll kill him."
"Don't," Chanyeol said. "He just told me so I could use it as a pick me up whenever I feel down. And today's one of those days, so pick me up, Byun Baekhyun."
Baekhyun made a face but he managed to smile. "Okay, but if you laugh at me, I'm never dancing for you again."
"Isn't it supposed to make me laugh?" Chanyeol asked, grinning as soon as Baekhyun began to stretch.
"I take these dances very seriously," Baekhyun put his arm behind his back and stretched to the side. "This isn't for laughing purposes."
"Of course not," Chanyeol said, but he was already smirking at his ministrations. "Lay says you're great at doing Rainism."
Baekhyun frowned. "I swear, if anyone walks in on me doing this-"
"They're going to think you escaped from the psych ward." Chanyeol concluded. He clapped his hands. "Dance, monkey, dance."
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes as he put his iPod on the dock and Rainism began to play.
After he was finished, Chanyeol was hurting again, but from laughing so much. He had tears in his eyes and Baekhyun's permanent frown just added to his enjoyment.
"You are the worst person in the world." Baekhyun said.
Chanyeol chuckled and opened his arms again. "Come here, Rain wannabe."
Baekhyun kept his ground and shook his head, causing his bangs to swish from side to side.
"Come here," Chanyeol's eyes danced over Baekhyun's body. "Baby."
"If anyone's a baby here it's you," Baekhyun said, rendering to Chanyeol's coaxing and going back into his arms. Chanyeol rested his hands on Baekhyun's back and smiled, feeling his heart beat against his slower one. If Baekhyun noticed this, he didn't say anything and just let his fingers curl around Chanyeol's shirt. So far, all they did was hug, and although Chanyeol wanted more, he knew there was no point. He was dying, and he wouldn't dare be so unfair to Baekhyun as to start anything with him. No matter how much it hurt him not to.
"Tell me," Baekhyun whispered, so low Chanyeol thought he was imagining it. "Tell me you feel better."
Chanyeol felt tears welling up in his eyes so he frantically wiped them away before answering, just as softly, "I feel a lot better when I'm with you."
*
Kyungsoo came to visit him once school ended with an apologetic face and all of Chanyeol's homework.
"You have got to me kidding me," Chanyeol said in astonishment. "I swear, did your mother drop you a la Michael Jackson? Why the hell are you bringing homework to a dying boy?"
Kyungsoo winced and placed his backpack filled with assignments for Chanyeol on the seat by his bed. "Well, Mr. Kim just wanted to make sure you were well enough to do the homework."
Chanyeol smiled but Kyungsoo was looking at the machines by his bedside.
Chanyeol thought of an idea and waved his hand at Kyungsoo. "Give me your hand," he said.
Kyungsoo widened his eyes at him, giving him a suspicious look. "What for?"
"Just give me your hand, you wimp," Chanyeol demanded.
Kyungsoo extended his arm and put his palm, face up, in front of Chanyeol, who gripped his fingers with a broad smile.
"This is creeping me out," Kyungsoo said, his eyes large and questioning.
Chanyeol shrugged and gave Kyungsoo's hand a squeeze until Kyungsoo cursed and pulled his hand away.
"See?" Chanyeol asked.
"See what?" Kyungsoo asked. "You trying to break my hand?"
"That I still have some fight in me so you can stop looking at me like I'm a cat that got run over by a car fifty times."
Kyungsoo lowered his eyes in shame. "I'm sorry, I just-"
"I get that you feel anxious when you see me in here, and it's because I didn't tell you about my condition and I'm sorry about that," Chanyeol smiled sadly. "I guess I didn't want you to treat me differently just because I have this disease."
"But you could help me understand," Kyungsoo said. "I think if you'd explain it to me I'd be less anxious cause at least I'd know what you have."
"Okay," Chanyeol sat up and took a deep breath. "I'm going to show you something pretty gross so I'm sure you'll enjoy it."
He opened his robe and revealed his scar. It was a scar of about 5 inches long and half an inch wide in the middle of his chest that went from below his collarbones to just above his diaphragm.
"This is the scar from my first heart transplant that I got after being diagnosed with idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy." At Kyungsoo's surprised face, Chanyeol continued to explain. "Basically that's a condition you get when your heart is all wonky and it can't pump properly. Anyway, I was fine and healthy aside from my heart, which made it easier for me not to tell people." Chanyeol put his robe back on. "So having that disease lead to heart failure and then I got my surgery. But the thing is, after getting a heart transplant you're supposed to take these drugs that help your heart get used to its new body, but I couldn't pay for them and here we are," Chanyeol gestured around the room. "My second heart is failing and I'm just waiting until I get a third, although at this point I don't really think I deserve one. I've already stolen one person's heart; I don't want to be responsible for taking another person's life."
"Chanyeol," Kyungsoo said, wiping at his eyes. "People are going to die regardless. And you do deserve that heart because you deserve a second chance at life."
"I already had my opportunity at a second chance at life and I used that one up," Chanyeol smiled, casting his eyes out into the hallway. "I'm at the end of my rope, Soo."
"Don't talk like that," Kyungsoo said, letting his tears fall freely as he hit Chanyeol's arm. "You're scaring me."
Chanyeol looked up at the light that shone over his bed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, I'm scaring myself too."
'You don't know how much.' Chanyeol thought.
Part two