Tired
Tired, sad, near defeated ... but not quite, yet.
Details of the weekend first:
Yesterday I didn't really get out of the house except for a foot trip to the store, because I didn't have anything to drink (and I also got some salad). Today I did actually manage to get out pretty much when I intended to. I got some gas (there's a really cheap (for the times, and the state) near Lincoln Drive), and I wanted to put air in my tires because the little signal on my dashboard is starting to bug me. Unfortunately, someone got there first, and then decided to set up camp for some reason - when my tank was filled, the guy was pretty much done, but a van pulled up next to him which I was prepared to wait for while the van used the air pump ... but the van wasn't there for air, it was there for the driver to rendezvous with the driver of the other car and chat about some nonsense. I could have pulled in on the other side of the first car and maybe gotten the hose to reach all the way around my car ... or I could have asked the idiots to move (in a snarky way, which is what i wanted to do, or even in a polite way) but my ability to intrude upon anything/one with my own needs or wants is at a very low ebb ... about where it normally is, really, which is a serious problem (more about that later).
So I left with slightly under-inflated tires and drove to Target, which did not have the headphones I am looking for, and then drove into the city for NCOD. I made it to South Street, and parked on the south side, a few blocks away, and walked to the block party. I walked around for a bit and found the BiUnity table. I recognized two people, and after a moment more, realized I knew a third. The fourth person was interesting, but I didn't recognize him at all. I didn't spend much time there, continuing to wander, pausing a moment to watch the Independence Squares teach some moves, and then finally finding the fursuiters that I'd been looking for.
I latched onto them and followed them around for a few hours. But that's pretty much it - I was tagging along, going where they went, barely interacting with them. I wasn't part of the group. I wasn't completely ignored, but it was close. Interestingly, I found that I wasn't minding the crowds as much as I would have been had I been on my own - there were entirely too many people out there (and it didn't help that most of them were gorgeous), but I wasn't wigged out about it. The group didn't spend a great deal of time standing still, so that I was exhausted by the time they stopped for a meal and I broke away after saying good-bye to them. I drove home, stopping off to get some snacks at Wawa and dinner at McDonald's.
So, the "wanting to be part of the group and failing" is pretty much the story of my life these past few months. The Canton Social has been okay, but most of the people there are busy with other things - socializing, practicing music, practicing a play, or fighting. Some people want to dance, but not usually enough. My deep-seated "can't intrude" sensibility, formerly kept to a reasonable level by close friends or space and time that is my own (i.e. scheduled dance practice), is only growing in strength. It is rising to debilitating levels, at a particularly bad time for it to be happening - when I'm trying to find people to be friends with, to interact with, to try to not be "alone-in-a-crowd" with. This sensibility is so integral to who I am that I'm stunned that I was able to form an almost instant friendship with Chinad, but perhaps that had as much to do with the setting - Pennsic - and the circumstance - I got to know some personal things about him very quickly - as anything else. I certainly have no idea how to go about that again. I went bowling with 150 people and talked to 4. I sit in the corner at the Social and hope that people want to dance and will make time for it for me. I follow 7 strangers around the NCOD block party and hope that they will exhibit the friendliness of furries, 'cause I don't have a clue as to how to "break into" the gang. And I need a gang to break into. Badly. Desperately.
I'm not defeated, not yet. But it's not looking real good at the moment.
Details of the weekend first:
Yesterday I didn't really get out of the house except for a foot trip to the store, because I didn't have anything to drink (and I also got some salad). Today I did actually manage to get out pretty much when I intended to. I got some gas (there's a really cheap (for the times, and the state) near Lincoln Drive), and I wanted to put air in my tires because the little signal on my dashboard is starting to bug me. Unfortunately, someone got there first, and then decided to set up camp for some reason - when my tank was filled, the guy was pretty much done, but a van pulled up next to him which I was prepared to wait for while the van used the air pump ... but the van wasn't there for air, it was there for the driver to rendezvous with the driver of the other car and chat about some nonsense. I could have pulled in on the other side of the first car and maybe gotten the hose to reach all the way around my car ... or I could have asked the idiots to move (in a snarky way, which is what i wanted to do, or even in a polite way) but my ability to intrude upon anything/one with my own needs or wants is at a very low ebb ... about where it normally is, really, which is a serious problem (more about that later).
So I left with slightly under-inflated tires and drove to Target, which did not have the headphones I am looking for, and then drove into the city for NCOD. I made it to South Street, and parked on the south side, a few blocks away, and walked to the block party. I walked around for a bit and found the BiUnity table. I recognized two people, and after a moment more, realized I knew a third. The fourth person was interesting, but I didn't recognize him at all. I didn't spend much time there, continuing to wander, pausing a moment to watch the Independence Squares teach some moves, and then finally finding the fursuiters that I'd been looking for.
I latched onto them and followed them around for a few hours. But that's pretty much it - I was tagging along, going where they went, barely interacting with them. I wasn't part of the group. I wasn't completely ignored, but it was close. Interestingly, I found that I wasn't minding the crowds as much as I would have been had I been on my own - there were entirely too many people out there (and it didn't help that most of them were gorgeous), but I wasn't wigged out about it. The group didn't spend a great deal of time standing still, so that I was exhausted by the time they stopped for a meal and I broke away after saying good-bye to them. I drove home, stopping off to get some snacks at Wawa and dinner at McDonald's.
So, the "wanting to be part of the group and failing" is pretty much the story of my life these past few months. The Canton Social has been okay, but most of the people there are busy with other things - socializing, practicing music, practicing a play, or fighting. Some people want to dance, but not usually enough. My deep-seated "can't intrude" sensibility, formerly kept to a reasonable level by close friends or space and time that is my own (i.e. scheduled dance practice), is only growing in strength. It is rising to debilitating levels, at a particularly bad time for it to be happening - when I'm trying to find people to be friends with, to interact with, to try to not be "alone-in-a-crowd" with. This sensibility is so integral to who I am that I'm stunned that I was able to form an almost instant friendship with Chinad, but perhaps that had as much to do with the setting - Pennsic - and the circumstance - I got to know some personal things about him very quickly - as anything else. I certainly have no idea how to go about that again. I went bowling with 150 people and talked to 4. I sit in the corner at the Social and hope that people want to dance and will make time for it for me. I follow 7 strangers around the NCOD block party and hope that they will exhibit the friendliness of furries, 'cause I don't have a clue as to how to "break into" the gang. And I need a gang to break into. Badly. Desperately.
I'm not defeated, not yet. But it's not looking real good at the moment.