Here's to me, kid!
Damn! Livejournal just told me that I have not updated in twelve weeks. That is such a long time. It's almost too hard for me to comprehend because I just cannot think what I have been doing with myself.
Well first off since I have been such a big whiner about alcohol, I suppose it's best to start there. To say I don't drink anymore would be a lie. To say I drink more than once a month would also be a lie. I just changed the way I thought about alcohol. I changed the way I obsessed over it and how every time I took a swig I would remind myself that alcoholism runs in my family and to be leary, etc. Everytime I drank, I would just feel sorry for myself, where I have come from, etc. I started to chase that feeling of emptiness. I became addicted to making myself miserable. I realized this all in my sobriety that lasted for several months. It's kind of the same way I kicked cigarettes. I used to smoke for years and then quit, but now I can have my 3 or 4 cigarettes a year and not fall back into what was causing the addiction. In effect I just let go of the box I had put alcohol in. I let it shatter at my feet because I no longer wanted the weight of that on me anymore.
I realized that I drink out of shame really. I grew up poor in a middle class town being gay with these ideas of glamour and success and what all of that meant. Anyway this is all too involved and loo long and too detailed and really nobody cares much about my journey but myself. And that's ok. The point is I am in a really good place right now. I am calm, centered, and focused. This isn't an impulsive statement either like I have used it previously. I mean how many times have we written journal entries that could be titled "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!" ::heavy sigh:: My point is I have been calm centered and focused for an actual time period. I didn't draw the curtains this morning with a heavy heart saying "Today is the day America!"
I read an article about this little gay dude that could. He was just this average guy trying to break into advertising or something really banal. He started dating a guy and on the second date he cooked for him. The new boyfriend asked him to then cook for a doctor friend of his for a six person dinner party. Then they told two people and they told two people, and now he has one of the largest catering companies in the business. The story really inspired me because I realized I had always had a passion for food and cooking. I mean I was the E-Z Bake oven king. I was the lemonade sultan. So I decided I wanted to cook.
I told my closest friends that this was something I was considering doing and the feedback was incredible. They all raved about my food and how fun it was to be in the kitchen around me. It was like things just started to pop. I started to see light that was drawing me closer. It's a new path, and I have taken it. Over the past month my best friend's girlfriend has pimped me out for three cocktail parties (these are PAYing gigs, mind you) and next week i am going to do my first catered brunch. I have a million ideas and it's just so effing cool, man. The best part is, it's not work! I am having the time of my life! And the other best part. All three of my clients have said they would use me again! And they are now talking pimping. It's crazy.
In September I plan to start culinary school. Sure I am a great cook and can make a few appetizers, but now I am anxious to learn real techniques. I will also be given the opportunity to work with food I have never seen before. That's exciting. I like really can't wait to get my little white coat.
Anyway it's a side project. I still work crazy hours and that blows, but maybe someday I can quit that job. Maybe someday I could have my own show on public broadcasting NJN. LOL. It's really cool to have this wakefulness right now. I really feel amazing.
The thing is i have realized I don't like my family. It's harsh I know. I really don't like them. And that's ok. I grew up in a horrible house where children were never innocent. You know what? I don't think they like me either. i did throw them through the whole I'm a club kid drug addict fraudulently obtaining money so I could carry on with my bad self phase. And that's ok if they don't like me. I will still put in my time for the requisite holidays. i will still say I love you MOM on Mother's Day. For the most part, I am just not going to like them from over here in my little city. It's me holding onto them that has been holding me back. it's only in the way. It's sad to come to this understanding, this estrangement.
Honestly, I have a great network of close friends. This network of close friends has also gotten me invitations into their family traditions and I have been welcomed time and again. These friends are my family. They have always loved me and guided me and inspired me, the things my parents were never able to do. I forgive them for that, but it's time for me to move on and move ahead. In sobriety I have learned I can no longer carry my demons anymore. i am too weak, and there is no way else to become stronger.
Well first off since I have been such a big whiner about alcohol, I suppose it's best to start there. To say I don't drink anymore would be a lie. To say I drink more than once a month would also be a lie. I just changed the way I thought about alcohol. I changed the way I obsessed over it and how every time I took a swig I would remind myself that alcoholism runs in my family and to be leary, etc. Everytime I drank, I would just feel sorry for myself, where I have come from, etc. I started to chase that feeling of emptiness. I became addicted to making myself miserable. I realized this all in my sobriety that lasted for several months. It's kind of the same way I kicked cigarettes. I used to smoke for years and then quit, but now I can have my 3 or 4 cigarettes a year and not fall back into what was causing the addiction. In effect I just let go of the box I had put alcohol in. I let it shatter at my feet because I no longer wanted the weight of that on me anymore.
I realized that I drink out of shame really. I grew up poor in a middle class town being gay with these ideas of glamour and success and what all of that meant. Anyway this is all too involved and loo long and too detailed and really nobody cares much about my journey but myself. And that's ok. The point is I am in a really good place right now. I am calm, centered, and focused. This isn't an impulsive statement either like I have used it previously. I mean how many times have we written journal entries that could be titled "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!" ::heavy sigh:: My point is I have been calm centered and focused for an actual time period. I didn't draw the curtains this morning with a heavy heart saying "Today is the day America!"
I read an article about this little gay dude that could. He was just this average guy trying to break into advertising or something really banal. He started dating a guy and on the second date he cooked for him. The new boyfriend asked him to then cook for a doctor friend of his for a six person dinner party. Then they told two people and they told two people, and now he has one of the largest catering companies in the business. The story really inspired me because I realized I had always had a passion for food and cooking. I mean I was the E-Z Bake oven king. I was the lemonade sultan. So I decided I wanted to cook.
I told my closest friends that this was something I was considering doing and the feedback was incredible. They all raved about my food and how fun it was to be in the kitchen around me. It was like things just started to pop. I started to see light that was drawing me closer. It's a new path, and I have taken it. Over the past month my best friend's girlfriend has pimped me out for three cocktail parties (these are PAYing gigs, mind you) and next week i am going to do my first catered brunch. I have a million ideas and it's just so effing cool, man. The best part is, it's not work! I am having the time of my life! And the other best part. All three of my clients have said they would use me again! And they are now talking pimping. It's crazy.
In September I plan to start culinary school. Sure I am a great cook and can make a few appetizers, but now I am anxious to learn real techniques. I will also be given the opportunity to work with food I have never seen before. That's exciting. I like really can't wait to get my little white coat.
Anyway it's a side project. I still work crazy hours and that blows, but maybe someday I can quit that job. Maybe someday I could have my own show on public broadcasting NJN. LOL. It's really cool to have this wakefulness right now. I really feel amazing.
The thing is i have realized I don't like my family. It's harsh I know. I really don't like them. And that's ok. I grew up in a horrible house where children were never innocent. You know what? I don't think they like me either. i did throw them through the whole I'm a club kid drug addict fraudulently obtaining money so I could carry on with my bad self phase. And that's ok if they don't like me. I will still put in my time for the requisite holidays. i will still say I love you MOM on Mother's Day. For the most part, I am just not going to like them from over here in my little city. It's me holding onto them that has been holding me back. it's only in the way. It's sad to come to this understanding, this estrangement.
Honestly, I have a great network of close friends. This network of close friends has also gotten me invitations into their family traditions and I have been welcomed time and again. These friends are my family. They have always loved me and guided me and inspired me, the things my parents were never able to do. I forgive them for that, but it's time for me to move on and move ahead. In sobriety I have learned I can no longer carry my demons anymore. i am too weak, and there is no way else to become stronger.