Personal Void
I don't know what it is about this week but I have had zero motivation. Friday night I didn't even go out I just moved from place to place trying to find a deserted corner of the world. I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Everywhere I went I was surrounded by traces of humanity, idle conversations, laughing, bass too loud, and yelling, a clutter that imprisons the mind and body. Tonight I feel much the same. I'm just tired of putting on a mask for the world. And I'm not sad, or lonely, just enjoying the space I've created around myself, my own personal void. Maybe I'll show up at someone's door tonight, to make myself believe that it will make me happy.
My next stepping stone is taking the shape of a co-op. I'm hoping that in the least I'll get along with the people there, and at most maybe make a few real friends. hopefully, Kit and I will move in this next weekend. To be away from the dorms is alone reason enough to move, the fact that I really like everyone I've met at the Campbell Club icing on the cake.
I've been feeling like a writer today, or at least how I perceive writers to feel. -melancholy- Lou, I couldn't live like this all the time like you have, but I can see how it emits good writing. I guess I've been working on my perspective of myself (sounding like an existentialist here). I've been trying to see my place in the world differently. For most of my life it has all been about survival, not pleasure. These days I'm trying to define my bliss. Trying to find the origin of happiness for me. I'm reminded of when I see something so beautiful I cry cold tears. Cold enough to make me wonder why i'm crying at all. That's what happiness does to me, creeps up on me until it's so close I can reach out and touch it. Then I look up from my half completed road-map to bliss and I find myself arrived. What this says to me is that I need to look up more, notice the beauty that is, not what will be.
In regard to my last entry. It wasn't about bitching people out, it was about realizing my place in things. I don't fit in with very many people and that is just a fact of life. I have the choice to let that fact destroy me or save me. On my 20th, I was standing on the edge of a cliff, near emotional destruction, when I realized that the reason I don't feel included was because I didn't have all that much in common with them. What made my night bad was me wanting reality to be different than it was. I was a puzzle piece from the wrong puzzle feeling left out of the picture. So, I'm changing my perspective and looking for people who want to fit with me. I'll be taking applications...ha ha okay.
I'd love to hear what anyone thinks about this.
Peace
My next stepping stone is taking the shape of a co-op. I'm hoping that in the least I'll get along with the people there, and at most maybe make a few real friends. hopefully, Kit and I will move in this next weekend. To be away from the dorms is alone reason enough to move, the fact that I really like everyone I've met at the Campbell Club icing on the cake.
I've been feeling like a writer today, or at least how I perceive writers to feel. -melancholy- Lou, I couldn't live like this all the time like you have, but I can see how it emits good writing. I guess I've been working on my perspective of myself (sounding like an existentialist here). I've been trying to see my place in the world differently. For most of my life it has all been about survival, not pleasure. These days I'm trying to define my bliss. Trying to find the origin of happiness for me. I'm reminded of when I see something so beautiful I cry cold tears. Cold enough to make me wonder why i'm crying at all. That's what happiness does to me, creeps up on me until it's so close I can reach out and touch it. Then I look up from my half completed road-map to bliss and I find myself arrived. What this says to me is that I need to look up more, notice the beauty that is, not what will be.
In regard to my last entry. It wasn't about bitching people out, it was about realizing my place in things. I don't fit in with very many people and that is just a fact of life. I have the choice to let that fact destroy me or save me. On my 20th, I was standing on the edge of a cliff, near emotional destruction, when I realized that the reason I don't feel included was because I didn't have all that much in common with them. What made my night bad was me wanting reality to be different than it was. I was a puzzle piece from the wrong puzzle feeling left out of the picture. So, I'm changing my perspective and looking for people who want to fit with me. I'll be taking applications...ha ha okay.
I'd love to hear what anyone thinks about this.
Peace