Touch is the greatest of the five senses
Sure I have seen my children everyday since they've been on this planet. I have seen then, heard them and the machines that they were hooked up to as they fought to get bigger, fought for their little lives. But to really touch them without those cold sterile gloves, to hold each of them in my arms and to feel those two warm little bodies against mine...That was something a small part of me thought would never happen.
Thank God, I was wrong.
I was scared when they told me that they wanted to take them off the respirators, to see if their lungs could function on their own. But the specialist assured me that if anything went wrong, he and team of doctors were right there, standing by. And knowing where this doctor came from, and that he was the very best in his field, I trusted in him completely. Those first moments, after they took those tubes away from their little noses, I stopped breathing, I couldn't breathe. My eyes almost went blurry from staring so hard waiting on the two of them to take their first unassisted gasps of air... And when they did...it was that golden moment that I felt like I was slowly waking up from some uneasy dream.
And if those precious little lungs filling with air wasn't a gift in itself, they told me after they checked them out, ran some more tests that maybe...just maybe I would be able to hold my kids. Even that small little ray of hope had me beside myself with joy. There was hope, something that I had hidden from, because I feared too much hope would cause things to shatter down around me. And I just couldn't go on if something...I just wouldn't be able to go on. It was more then a few hours later when the nurse came to get me. She had this smile on her face, everyone has been pulling for Zachary and Zemora....and Shane and I too I guess. I saw this rocking chair set up next to the incubator and I almost fell over myself getting to it, cause once I sat down, I know what was about to happen. I had dreamed about this happening, and even that dream didn't come remotely close to what I felt like sitting there in that chair holding for the first time my son, my first born in my arms. He is tiny still, but so much bigger then when he was first born. And holding him more weight lifted from my whole soul. I could feel my baby, rock him, and put my finger in his tiny little palm. Just even sitting here thinking about it I get filled all over again with emotion. Just when I thought I couldn't feel any better, be any happier...That is when they put my daughter into my arms. In that moment, my world came back alive, all the weight lifted from my shoulders, the sadness, the pain, my fears, all of that faded when I felt, that slight weight of her in my arms, and I looked down into the face of my beautiful little girl.
So here I am, a baby in each arm and the timing couldn't have been better really. Shane came in and his face...my Goddess I will never ever forget that look on his face, I do believe he was as breathless as I had been earlier. When he spoke his voice was so soft and low, but his son knew his father was there, and moved like he wanted to be in his daddy's arms. That is another vision I will take with me to the end of my time. My husband, holding our son in his arms with those tears of happiness in his eyes. I held onto Zemora a little bit longer before letting her into Shane's arms. That little girl is certainly going to be the apple of his eye, cause she already is.
I feel alive again. I feel like the pieces are coming together, slowly yes, but coming together and the picture is looking better and better. I can't begin to thank the people responsible for it enough. But right now I am going to get going. I need to shower and then hold and feed my children.
Thank God, I was wrong.
I was scared when they told me that they wanted to take them off the respirators, to see if their lungs could function on their own. But the specialist assured me that if anything went wrong, he and team of doctors were right there, standing by. And knowing where this doctor came from, and that he was the very best in his field, I trusted in him completely. Those first moments, after they took those tubes away from their little noses, I stopped breathing, I couldn't breathe. My eyes almost went blurry from staring so hard waiting on the two of them to take their first unassisted gasps of air... And when they did...it was that golden moment that I felt like I was slowly waking up from some uneasy dream.
And if those precious little lungs filling with air wasn't a gift in itself, they told me after they checked them out, ran some more tests that maybe...just maybe I would be able to hold my kids. Even that small little ray of hope had me beside myself with joy. There was hope, something that I had hidden from, because I feared too much hope would cause things to shatter down around me. And I just couldn't go on if something...I just wouldn't be able to go on. It was more then a few hours later when the nurse came to get me. She had this smile on her face, everyone has been pulling for Zachary and Zemora....and Shane and I too I guess. I saw this rocking chair set up next to the incubator and I almost fell over myself getting to it, cause once I sat down, I know what was about to happen. I had dreamed about this happening, and even that dream didn't come remotely close to what I felt like sitting there in that chair holding for the first time my son, my first born in my arms. He is tiny still, but so much bigger then when he was first born. And holding him more weight lifted from my whole soul. I could feel my baby, rock him, and put my finger in his tiny little palm. Just even sitting here thinking about it I get filled all over again with emotion. Just when I thought I couldn't feel any better, be any happier...That is when they put my daughter into my arms. In that moment, my world came back alive, all the weight lifted from my shoulders, the sadness, the pain, my fears, all of that faded when I felt, that slight weight of her in my arms, and I looked down into the face of my beautiful little girl.
So here I am, a baby in each arm and the timing couldn't have been better really. Shane came in and his face...my Goddess I will never ever forget that look on his face, I do believe he was as breathless as I had been earlier. When he spoke his voice was so soft and low, but his son knew his father was there, and moved like he wanted to be in his daddy's arms. That is another vision I will take with me to the end of my time. My husband, holding our son in his arms with those tears of happiness in his eyes. I held onto Zemora a little bit longer before letting her into Shane's arms. That little girl is certainly going to be the apple of his eye, cause she already is.
I feel alive again. I feel like the pieces are coming together, slowly yes, but coming together and the picture is looking better and better. I can't begin to thank the people responsible for it enough. But right now I am going to get going. I need to shower and then hold and feed my children.