Starting a Journal
12-23-06
Starting a Journal
Okay, I have decided to start a personal journal, on the computer. Will it ever be posted online? Doubtful, but it is where I'll put my most personal thoughts and feelings. Okay, so I decided to post it after all.
Tonight... Seems to be a bad night for me. -sigh- I don't even know what to type really. I just feel... hell... I feel like crying, I feel... like cutting, and for no real reason. I'm just depressed. Perhaps it's because it's nearing that time of December, in five days time will be, what was, my soon to be ex-husband's and my anniversery... -sigh- Knowing that failed so horribly.... Or, it might just be the fact that I'm on my period. But today... I wore a yellow tank top, one with one of those built in bra's, and passing a full length mirror in my house, I saw my reflection, and for the first time in a while, I saw it bra-less, with the exception of when nude, and I wanted to cry. You literally can not tell I have boobs at all, I have, in loosing so much weight, lost all that I had for boobs. They never were very big, a full A cup, near a B cup, at the largest (Not including while pregnant), but then they got smaller, but were still a full A Cup, now they are... all but non existent. I can't fit into my bras, I can not go bra shopping, for none fit me. It's very depressing in it's self.
I also found out tonight, that my boyfriend, does not trust condoms, therefore cutting out one thing during our time together on my vacation. I will admit I was slightly looking forward to that, though I do, more look forward to just being able to lay in his arms, to cuddle with him again. But this topic, then brought up the topic of children, which, aside from Xander, he does not want.... more kids, and is even considering having a vesectomy. I support that decision if that is where he chooses to go with it, because, even though I do hope to have at least one ore child in the future, I could, and would be perfectly happy to just have him, and Xander. So, I can not say that it would upset me. Perhaps it would hurt for a little while, knowing that we would not have children in the future, but -shrugs- oh well.. I love him enough that I would be willing to give that up for him.
Tonight just seems to be a bad night for me. I don't know why I'm depressed really, but.... It will pass..
Starting a Journal
Okay, I have decided to start a personal journal, on the computer. Will it ever be posted online? Doubtful, but it is where I'll put my most personal thoughts and feelings. Okay, so I decided to post it after all.
Tonight... Seems to be a bad night for me. -sigh- I don't even know what to type really. I just feel... hell... I feel like crying, I feel... like cutting, and for no real reason. I'm just depressed. Perhaps it's because it's nearing that time of December, in five days time will be, what was, my soon to be ex-husband's and my anniversery... -sigh- Knowing that failed so horribly.... Or, it might just be the fact that I'm on my period. But today... I wore a yellow tank top, one with one of those built in bra's, and passing a full length mirror in my house, I saw my reflection, and for the first time in a while, I saw it bra-less, with the exception of when nude, and I wanted to cry. You literally can not tell I have boobs at all, I have, in loosing so much weight, lost all that I had for boobs. They never were very big, a full A cup, near a B cup, at the largest (Not including while pregnant), but then they got smaller, but were still a full A Cup, now they are... all but non existent. I can't fit into my bras, I can not go bra shopping, for none fit me. It's very depressing in it's self.
I also found out tonight, that my boyfriend, does not trust condoms, therefore cutting out one thing during our time together on my vacation. I will admit I was slightly looking forward to that, though I do, more look forward to just being able to lay in his arms, to cuddle with him again. But this topic, then brought up the topic of children, which, aside from Xander, he does not want.... more kids, and is even considering having a vesectomy. I support that decision if that is where he chooses to go with it, because, even though I do hope to have at least one ore child in the future, I could, and would be perfectly happy to just have him, and Xander. So, I can not say that it would upset me. Perhaps it would hurt for a little while, knowing that we would not have children in the future, but -shrugs- oh well.. I love him enough that I would be willing to give that up for him.
Tonight just seems to be a bad night for me. I don't know why I'm depressed really, but.... It will pass..