The folly of wanting to change people.
This was originally a comment I made in a friend's blog, but I decided to post it here as well.
It is a common failing among people to think that we can change another person by being caring or loving or helpful. We think that if we love the other person enough and overlook certain failings that we can get enough time with them to change the things we dislike. That we can make them "better".
This approach does not work. It may appear to work at times, but in truth, it only appears that way. The only way a person can enact lasting change in their life is if *they* want the change badly enough to make it happen. It may be that your efforts coincide with this change, but trust me when I say that you were not the solution. You were an observer, perhaps a bit of a role model, but the other person did all of the actual work, so lets give credit where credit is due, shall we?
Change can and does happen, but it is never an easy process and it doesn't happen overnight. It can take months or years and may never truly be finished if the thing being changed is a core aspect of their personality.
Even stopping something as trivial as the biting of fingernails can take years to accomplish and that certainly doesn't qualify as a core aspect of anyone's personality. Why then do people think that they can help another person overcome, in a matter of months, an inability to tell the truth, an inability to be faithful in a relationship, or a fear of committment?
Relationships built around the hope that a person will change "for the better" are nearly always doomed to failure because the relationship isn't built on a solid foundation. When the desired change doesn't occur, or more commonly, when it doesn't occur quickly enough, the relationship will become increasingly stressful until it ends after a rollercoaster ride of empty promises to "change" and "do better". And even if the desired change does happen, you may find that you never had anything in common in the first place. Just a bit of lust and a subconscious desire to be the proverbial knight in shining armor that helps them to become a "better" person.
I guess where I'm going with this is that you should love people for who they are and not for who you want them to become.
It is a common failing among people to think that we can change another person by being caring or loving or helpful. We think that if we love the other person enough and overlook certain failings that we can get enough time with them to change the things we dislike. That we can make them "better".
This approach does not work. It may appear to work at times, but in truth, it only appears that way. The only way a person can enact lasting change in their life is if *they* want the change badly enough to make it happen. It may be that your efforts coincide with this change, but trust me when I say that you were not the solution. You were an observer, perhaps a bit of a role model, but the other person did all of the actual work, so lets give credit where credit is due, shall we?
Change can and does happen, but it is never an easy process and it doesn't happen overnight. It can take months or years and may never truly be finished if the thing being changed is a core aspect of their personality.
Even stopping something as trivial as the biting of fingernails can take years to accomplish and that certainly doesn't qualify as a core aspect of anyone's personality. Why then do people think that they can help another person overcome, in a matter of months, an inability to tell the truth, an inability to be faithful in a relationship, or a fear of committment?
Relationships built around the hope that a person will change "for the better" are nearly always doomed to failure because the relationship isn't built on a solid foundation. When the desired change doesn't occur, or more commonly, when it doesn't occur quickly enough, the relationship will become increasingly stressful until it ends after a rollercoaster ride of empty promises to "change" and "do better". And even if the desired change does happen, you may find that you never had anything in common in the first place. Just a bit of lust and a subconscious desire to be the proverbial knight in shining armor that helps them to become a "better" person.
I guess where I'm going with this is that you should love people for who they are and not for who you want them to become.