Cold and Alone

[daemos]

The subject sums up how I've been feeling recently. Obviously the Cold part is because Chicago has been colder than an icebox recently. The Alone is because it's tax season, and Brian and I don't see each other much during the week. Even weekdays are rough since he works Saturdays. I don't know why exactly, but this year it has hit me harder... being in the house, playing on the computer, and not having anyone around. My head seems so far away from everyone else, like my thoughts are in this isolated bubble which isn't real. Growing up I always had a plethora of human contact. I have a big family, and my sisters were very social, so they usually had friends over. Point being, there was always background noise. I have typically been a bit more of a loner. I usually don't mind sitting and thinking by myself, or spending time with my thoughts. The problem though, is I'm missing that background noise. The pleasant buzz of conversation in the next room, or even the knowledge that another human is near me. I guess this means I should be getting out more...

I had a dream Saturday, and actually remembered what it was. That hasn't happened in a long time. The subject is disconcerting though. I dreamt that I killed my sister. I'm not sure how, only that I did, and was trying to cover it up. The process of hiding my actions was slowly causing me to go insane, so "they" put me in a school for the gifted/eccentric. I hated everyone there.

The weirdest part was that I knew I was dreaming. My mind kept saying, "Ned, you didn't murder your sister. She's perfectly fine, so stop stressing out and just wake up." The dream part of me wasn't willing to give in without a fight and would incorporate this logic into paranoid bouts of insanity. Needless to say I didn't sleep well. I was glad to finally wrest myself away from this dream and wake up.

Nothing more to discuss really. More of the same today.. work, play, sleep, work, play, sleep...