(no subject)
another year has gone by and i couldnt resist writing one of those "reflections of the last year" posts. it happens. i think i may even make this one public as an attempt to take my life back. almost everything used to be public on here...until mercy started reading it. but i digress, that was many years ago, not this past year.
so, starting with my birthday last year. it actually was a good birthday. i got my favorite alk3 hoodie from my sister, andy bought me the newest alk3 cd, and a necklace that i wanted. it was really decent. then a week later we even celebrated valentines day. the only valentines day ive ever celebrated with a significant other. (note: this is NOT due to him being a jerk, my birthday is exactly a week before and id rather celebrate something thats all about me than something i have to share. so its because im a bitch and like the world to revolve around me.) the necklace had the initials S.K.O. on it, so all the insecurities id felt about me and andy the last few months were squashed. cause really, who buys their fiance a necklace with their future married initials on it if theyre not in love anymore, right?
a few days before march 14th i learned that i really should have been more scared. andy and i were laying in bed, he turned to me and said "you know, i feel like weve just become friends...i dont love you like that any more." oh, really? jackass. i spent a few days asking everyone i could think of for advice trying to convince andy to work it out. no dice. he actually said that he wasnt in love with me anymore but we should stay engaged "just in case" he changed his mind. that wasnt about to happen. it just wasnt. for some reason andy and i had sex that night. so march 14th is the breakup date and the last time i had sex with andy. maybe i did that because i knew it would be a while before i got laid again. its possible.
i spent the next few months in complete dispair. i mean, it kind of sucks to hear people tell you that youre just not good enough. this was someone i was gonna spend the rest of my life with. over time, with the help of amazing friends, i started to realize that i had fallen out of love with andy a LONG time before that. over the following months i was pretty much a drunk and spent my time with people that allowed me to heal in the way i needed to heal. it was the first time in years id felt like i had friends. it was the first time in years that id felt like i could REALLY be myself with people. i didnt have to hide my quirks, i could dress as eclectic as i wanted, i could say whatever the fuck decided to come out of my mouth and i wouldnt be reprimanded for it. that was something i hadnt felt since my days at carthage. i suddenly was allowed to find myself again. at a really good time to make up for not being single when i was younger. it was AWESOME. really. it was.
i became a lot closer friends with amazing people: dan, nick, chel, adam, julia, matthew, angela, alicia, rhianna, jeremy, sean...and im aware that some of those people were like family before i started dating andy. those people were there for me through it all, but i wasnt really allowed to let them in before he and i broke up. there were a lot of things that i wasnt really allowed to do. those people that i became better friends with have been amazing at letting me find myself, taking care of me when i need help (even if i dont ask), and withholding judgement of my actions. some of them can even tell what im feeling and thinking before i even know. and they just know how to make it better without letting me know thats what theyre doing. i honestly believe that those people are the reason ive only had one breakdown since i stopped taking my meds in august and stopped receiving treatment for my bipolar in march. they just know whats going on and fix the problem. i love them for that. more than anything.
i started a new job that i love in may. my contract is up now, but hopefully i love my next lab job just as much. i have a feeling i will. i just love being in the lab. theres no cranky customers to deal with, just sitting in a room with my work and doing it. its great. im supposed to graduate this coming may. well, i should say i am graduating this coming may. i just have a little bit of work to finish up first. as of this moment i have no idea what my future is going to look like, even as soon as next october. its kind of scary. ive spent years feeling stifled by the future that was entirely planned out though, so maybe its good that this is kind of scary. its forcing me into being myself again. everythings so up in the air that its forcing me to become more spontanious and live more in the moment.
in the last few months ive gone through one of those "friend overhaul" things. its something i used to do every few months, completely getting a new friend group. it wasnt quite like that this time. theres a number of people ive kept around. this time ive managed to just purge the ones that werent beneficial for my personal growth and mental health. which i think indicates an improvement in my maturity level. well, keeping my anger only on the people that are causing me pain shows an improvement in maturity. as i was in the middle of my little overhaul i spent several weekends home alone, depressed, feeling like i had no one to turn to. this was wrong and i know that now. but some good did come of it. (LIST TIME!)
today is my birthday again. i was expecting it to be like every other birthday ive had and be completely depressing, but theres something else in store for me this year. i get a whole birthday weekend. after i dig my car out of the 16.5 inches of snow that fell then buried my car when the plow went by that is. im really excited.
daemon_lyra: did i tell you im in love?
chuckles323: you didn't have too, I've known since you started talking about him
daemon_lyra: really?
chuckles323: yup
chuckles323: i was waiting for you to figure it out
so, starting with my birthday last year. it actually was a good birthday. i got my favorite alk3 hoodie from my sister, andy bought me the newest alk3 cd, and a necklace that i wanted. it was really decent. then a week later we even celebrated valentines day. the only valentines day ive ever celebrated with a significant other. (note: this is NOT due to him being a jerk, my birthday is exactly a week before and id rather celebrate something thats all about me than something i have to share. so its because im a bitch and like the world to revolve around me.) the necklace had the initials S.K.O. on it, so all the insecurities id felt about me and andy the last few months were squashed. cause really, who buys their fiance a necklace with their future married initials on it if theyre not in love anymore, right?
a few days before march 14th i learned that i really should have been more scared. andy and i were laying in bed, he turned to me and said "you know, i feel like weve just become friends...i dont love you like that any more." oh, really? jackass. i spent a few days asking everyone i could think of for advice trying to convince andy to work it out. no dice. he actually said that he wasnt in love with me anymore but we should stay engaged "just in case" he changed his mind. that wasnt about to happen. it just wasnt. for some reason andy and i had sex that night. so march 14th is the breakup date and the last time i had sex with andy. maybe i did that because i knew it would be a while before i got laid again. its possible.
i spent the next few months in complete dispair. i mean, it kind of sucks to hear people tell you that youre just not good enough. this was someone i was gonna spend the rest of my life with. over time, with the help of amazing friends, i started to realize that i had fallen out of love with andy a LONG time before that. over the following months i was pretty much a drunk and spent my time with people that allowed me to heal in the way i needed to heal. it was the first time in years id felt like i had friends. it was the first time in years that id felt like i could REALLY be myself with people. i didnt have to hide my quirks, i could dress as eclectic as i wanted, i could say whatever the fuck decided to come out of my mouth and i wouldnt be reprimanded for it. that was something i hadnt felt since my days at carthage. i suddenly was allowed to find myself again. at a really good time to make up for not being single when i was younger. it was AWESOME. really. it was.
i became a lot closer friends with amazing people: dan, nick, chel, adam, julia, matthew, angela, alicia, rhianna, jeremy, sean...and im aware that some of those people were like family before i started dating andy. those people were there for me through it all, but i wasnt really allowed to let them in before he and i broke up. there were a lot of things that i wasnt really allowed to do. those people that i became better friends with have been amazing at letting me find myself, taking care of me when i need help (even if i dont ask), and withholding judgement of my actions. some of them can even tell what im feeling and thinking before i even know. and they just know how to make it better without letting me know thats what theyre doing. i honestly believe that those people are the reason ive only had one breakdown since i stopped taking my meds in august and stopped receiving treatment for my bipolar in march. they just know whats going on and fix the problem. i love them for that. more than anything.
i started a new job that i love in may. my contract is up now, but hopefully i love my next lab job just as much. i have a feeling i will. i just love being in the lab. theres no cranky customers to deal with, just sitting in a room with my work and doing it. its great. im supposed to graduate this coming may. well, i should say i am graduating this coming may. i just have a little bit of work to finish up first. as of this moment i have no idea what my future is going to look like, even as soon as next october. its kind of scary. ive spent years feeling stifled by the future that was entirely planned out though, so maybe its good that this is kind of scary. its forcing me into being myself again. everythings so up in the air that its forcing me to become more spontanious and live more in the moment.
in the last few months ive gone through one of those "friend overhaul" things. its something i used to do every few months, completely getting a new friend group. it wasnt quite like that this time. theres a number of people ive kept around. this time ive managed to just purge the ones that werent beneficial for my personal growth and mental health. which i think indicates an improvement in my maturity level. well, keeping my anger only on the people that are causing me pain shows an improvement in maturity. as i was in the middle of my little overhaul i spent several weekends home alone, depressed, feeling like i had no one to turn to. this was wrong and i know that now. but some good did come of it. (LIST TIME!)
- i have learned a lot about what i dont know in regards to keeping my mental stability. and ive gone for help to regain those skills.
- there was a long process of deciding who is good for me and who is not. what qualities i value in a friend/boyfriend and who embodies those qualities. the ones i decided didnt make the cut were removed from my life. completely.
- i realized that the craigslist personals are effin HILARIOUS
- i randomly met one of the most amazing people EVER. on those effin hilarious craigslist personals. completely by accident and coincidence.
- my roommate has proved to be not only an amazing friend, but the best roommate ive ever had for an extended period of time. shes so levelheaded and we have our own little family unit going on in our apartment. if it wasnt for her i would seriously still be depressed as hell. i owe her a lot for forcing an epiphany of happiness on me. and i absolutely love her to death.
today is my birthday again. i was expecting it to be like every other birthday ive had and be completely depressing, but theres something else in store for me this year. i get a whole birthday weekend. after i dig my car out of the 16.5 inches of snow that fell then buried my car when the plow went by that is. im really excited.
daemon_lyra: did i tell you im in love?
chuckles323: you didn't have too, I've known since you started talking about him
daemon_lyra: really?
chuckles323: yup
chuckles323: i was waiting for you to figure it out