To Serve In Marriage...
To Serve In Marriage…
Have you ever read something that felt like someone blindsided you with this amazing truth that you somehow overlooked? I stumbled upon a truth that for the longest time I knew but yet I don’t think I really had a good grasp on what it meant. I read an interview with Joy Williams and Christianity Today in which they asked her a few questions about her marriage in 2005. I took a lot away from that interview.
In the interview, Joy Williams explains how much she values premarital counseling and the effects it has had on her marriage so far. She said “It helped me realize I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I draw energy from quiet time, while he draws energy from people. When I'm angry, I think about it for five minutes, and then come to talk to you about it. But he's like, "I want to talk about it now." So there are a lot of everyday lessons I learned in that.” I thought it was interesting because I could classify myself as an introvert and Andrew is definitely an extrovert. Knowing that makes me wonder if I need to relate to Andrew in different ways and if he needs to relate to me in different ways. I don’t want to draw Andrew into introverted ways if he is an extrovert but at the same time, I don’t want to become a fake extrovert.
Another question that arose from the interview was of who drives the relationship/the marriage? Joy Williams said that her husband Nate is really good about driving the relationship. He makes time to meet with her, to sit and talk about things going on in her life, to find out how she’s is doing and spend quality time with her or take her on a date. A phrase stuck out to me in her answer. “He serves me so much; it’s a constant reminder to me that we are to serve each other.” At first when I heard that my brain instantly thought about how Andrew serves me. I began to measure up how Andrew serves me and wondering if it was satisfactory or what he could do different. And then it hit me. I can’t truly serve Andrew if I am focused on how he can better serve me. That is not my job in the relationship. I am to serve him and find ways to serve him and focus on serving him. He is responsible for finding time to serve me and finding out how to serve me and focus on how he can be a servant to me. She closed the interview by saying: “I had to reverse my thoughts that marriage would be intense and deep all the time. Marriage is anticipating my husband’s needs as well as tending to my own.”
Part of me is hesitant to focus too much on the thoughts that I had from this interview. The reason for my hesitancy is because Andrew and I are not joined in marriage. Yes, we are planning on getting married and we are committed to each other and this time is similar to an engagement period for us while we get things in order before we get married, which is something that seems strange for others to understand. But the truth of the matter is that we are planning on getting married but we are not married. I’m constantly searching for that line of how close is too close for Andrew and me right now as we are not married. How much preparation is preparation that is too early? Or is there such a thing as preparing too soon for marriage?
I don’t want to spend too much time on this because I’m fearful that I will loose the newfound focus I’ve found and once again get sucked into thoughts of marriage and my desire for that will take me over, but I want to add one more thing. Being in a relationship with someone and having that relationship be something that you know is extremely serious and leading to marriage can be a discouraging thing if you don’t have people to mentor and encourage you along the way. If you don’t have an example to follow or someone to talk to or ask questions, that seclusion can be your downfall. Believe me, I have fallen many times in my relationship with Andrew and if I could go back and do things different I would have had more people involved. At church specifically I feel a distinct lack of encouragement. I feel as if because Andrew and I are not engaged, we are not taken as seriously as other couples who are engaged and preparing for marriage. It’s a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I’m not going to tell you that I’m harboring negative thoughts towards the leaders in our church because I’m not. There are people who give me encouragement and there are people who, if I allow them, will be as involved in my relationship with Andrew as they are needed. Those are the people I cherish. While I may not relay that to them like I should, it means so much to me to have those individuals in my life.
Have you ever read something that felt like someone blindsided you with this amazing truth that you somehow overlooked? I stumbled upon a truth that for the longest time I knew but yet I don’t think I really had a good grasp on what it meant. I read an interview with Joy Williams and Christianity Today in which they asked her a few questions about her marriage in 2005. I took a lot away from that interview.
In the interview, Joy Williams explains how much she values premarital counseling and the effects it has had on her marriage so far. She said “It helped me realize I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I draw energy from quiet time, while he draws energy from people. When I'm angry, I think about it for five minutes, and then come to talk to you about it. But he's like, "I want to talk about it now." So there are a lot of everyday lessons I learned in that.” I thought it was interesting because I could classify myself as an introvert and Andrew is definitely an extrovert. Knowing that makes me wonder if I need to relate to Andrew in different ways and if he needs to relate to me in different ways. I don’t want to draw Andrew into introverted ways if he is an extrovert but at the same time, I don’t want to become a fake extrovert.
Another question that arose from the interview was of who drives the relationship/the marriage? Joy Williams said that her husband Nate is really good about driving the relationship. He makes time to meet with her, to sit and talk about things going on in her life, to find out how she’s is doing and spend quality time with her or take her on a date. A phrase stuck out to me in her answer. “He serves me so much; it’s a constant reminder to me that we are to serve each other.” At first when I heard that my brain instantly thought about how Andrew serves me. I began to measure up how Andrew serves me and wondering if it was satisfactory or what he could do different. And then it hit me. I can’t truly serve Andrew if I am focused on how he can better serve me. That is not my job in the relationship. I am to serve him and find ways to serve him and focus on serving him. He is responsible for finding time to serve me and finding out how to serve me and focus on how he can be a servant to me. She closed the interview by saying: “I had to reverse my thoughts that marriage would be intense and deep all the time. Marriage is anticipating my husband’s needs as well as tending to my own.”
Part of me is hesitant to focus too much on the thoughts that I had from this interview. The reason for my hesitancy is because Andrew and I are not joined in marriage. Yes, we are planning on getting married and we are committed to each other and this time is similar to an engagement period for us while we get things in order before we get married, which is something that seems strange for others to understand. But the truth of the matter is that we are planning on getting married but we are not married. I’m constantly searching for that line of how close is too close for Andrew and me right now as we are not married. How much preparation is preparation that is too early? Or is there such a thing as preparing too soon for marriage?
I don’t want to spend too much time on this because I’m fearful that I will loose the newfound focus I’ve found and once again get sucked into thoughts of marriage and my desire for that will take me over, but I want to add one more thing. Being in a relationship with someone and having that relationship be something that you know is extremely serious and leading to marriage can be a discouraging thing if you don’t have people to mentor and encourage you along the way. If you don’t have an example to follow or someone to talk to or ask questions, that seclusion can be your downfall. Believe me, I have fallen many times in my relationship with Andrew and if I could go back and do things different I would have had more people involved. At church specifically I feel a distinct lack of encouragement. I feel as if because Andrew and I are not engaged, we are not taken as seriously as other couples who are engaged and preparing for marriage. It’s a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I’m not going to tell you that I’m harboring negative thoughts towards the leaders in our church because I’m not. There are people who give me encouragement and there are people who, if I allow them, will be as involved in my relationship with Andrew as they are needed. Those are the people I cherish. While I may not relay that to them like I should, it means so much to me to have those individuals in my life.