Realizing Your Sin Is Ugly...
Realizing your sin is ugly…
I just realized a great deal of things I think I’ve been avoiding for awhile. It’s amazing what God can do with you when you’re all alone just sitting in your room thinking, of course, I’m sure He could have done so much more if I had been in the word instead of looking through old letters. Regardless of how God pricked my heart, the point is He did. I’m trying to be careful as I write this that I’m not merely writing what I want to write versus the truth of what I should be writing. I tend to do that at times, the writer side of me takes over and the truth of what I wanted to say gets scrambled in eloquent words and tactful sentences.
God blessed Joy Williams with such an amazing talent of word usage and the power of lyrics and moving instrumentals. I’ve always felt a deep heartfelt connection to her words but that connection would become weakened by my thoughts of my own inadequacy of the lyrics that I have written. I would find myself comparing my words, my lyrics, my music to hers and feeling so horribly insufficient. Everything she wrote was so much better than mine; her words said exactly what I had been trying so desperately to portray with words and I was jealous, envious that God blessed her with the talent I want. When I was listening to her CD again tonight, those same thoughts of inadequacy bubbled to the surface along with a tremendous dose of jealous envy. As soon as I felt that pang of jealousy my brain instantly shifted to the previous feelings of envy that I had been feeling with regards to engagements and weddings. It seems as if this is the season to get engaged. Nearly everywhere I turn someone has just become engaged or someone is planning a wedding or having a bridal shower or a few months away from the ‘happiest day of their life’ and instead of being happy for those people, I loath the fact that they have what I want. It sounds horrible doesn’t it? Hearing the words: They have what I want. I’ve wrapped myself around that sentence and become bitter towards everyone that walks by me with an engagement ring on, everyone that is happily planning a wedding, every newlywed that walks by. Through becoming bitter, I became frustrated with myself for feeling that bitter resentment and when frustration wasn’t enough, I grew to hate myself for the envy and resentment I couldn’t shake.
I moved from my spot onto the floor and tried to distract myself from my envious thoughts and feelings by researching one of Joy Williams’ songs. I stumbled across an interview that Christianity Today had with Joy Williams in 2005. Upon reading that interview, I felt as if someone had taken my innermost self and posted it on the internet. Nearly everything that Joy Williams had to say I related to in some way and just about everything she struggled with was a similar struggle of my own. To borrow the phrase from Anne of Green Gables, I felt as if I had found a ‘kindred spirit’. She talks of a time in her life when she recognized she had a great deal of soul-searching to do and when she realized she needed to get past her tendencies to hide pain. Continuing the interview, she talks of how it wasn’t okay for her to feel broken, that when she was broken over something, she would tape it up real fast so it wouldn’t burden anyone. I’m going to quote part of what Joy Williams said her marriage counselor told her. He said “Can you just stop talking for a second? I just have to let you know; you hide so much, Joy.” He might as well have said Cassie in place of Joy because I felt as if someone had shoved me down into my chair - hard. He continued “You're not supposed to deal with this on your own, to spackle the walls of all the cracks in your soul on your own. It doesn't work. You have to be vulnerable, bring it out into the light, and trust that with people that you know, so they can encourage you." Now, this isn’t something that if you asked me, that I would tell you I struggle with on a regular basis. In fact, I might even tell you that I have become a lot better about not hiding my pain. But the reality is, that if I were to tell you my pain, it’s because I want attention from you. I want you to make me feel better. I want your pity and I want to feel as I am important to you, that you’d take the time to ‘make sure I was okay’ before you moved on to everyone else in your world. I would share my pain only if I wanted your attention, affection, and your time. Apart from that, if I am hurting…really hurting, only a select few people, if any, will know about it and even with those select few, I feel as if I’m not allowed to hurt for too long so I try to spackle up all the cracks in my soul quickly.
Have I lost you yet? Hopefully you’re still with me because I’m not through just yet.
Later in the interview, a few other things were said that caught my attention. Phrases like “I developed unhealthy patterns in the way that I viewed myself and a little bit of depression.” “I had to learn to deal with my own identity and layers of self esteem problems.” “I felt like I had to communicate myself in a certain way to people.” and “I didn’t feel content with who I was.” I could spend hours on just that last sentence! There was so much in this interview that stunned me because I recognized those same things in myself.
Those unhealthy patterns in the way that Joy Williams viewed herself as well as struggling with tendencies of depression, I struggle with them as well. I know some of the ways that I view myself are not necessarily healthy. I feel like I have this standard that I have to reach before I can walk out the door. I have this impression of what beauty is so I make myself reach for it every morning. And on those days that I can’t reach it, I feel insecure. And on those rare days when I decide that I’m not going to let my view of beauty rule my day, on those days I feel very vulnerable and it takes a great deal of effort to get through the day. Depression is something I’ve always thought about in the back of my mind. I have the tendency to shut down when things happen that I don’t know how to deal with. It takes all of my energy and strength to make myself utter even the simplest of prayers when event occur that I can’t handle. Right now you might be thinking “You can’t handle those events on your own, you need God to give you strength.” I know that to be truth but it is the hardest truth for me to embrace when I can’t cope with something or when I don’t know what to do. Instead of going to the throne of my Father and leaning on His strength and His wisdom for the situation, my body just stops. I don’t think, I don’t feel, the only thing I do is sleep. It’s like a switch that goes off. Something happens that I don’t know how to deal with and the switch is flipped and instantaneously I have no thoughts, I have no feelings, no emotions, suddenly the only thing I know to do is crawl into my bed and forget the world. It is so hard to stop myself from crawling into that bed. My strength is gone by the time I get to that switch and struggle with all of my might to turn it back on and after that, I practically crawl to my Fathers feet. Depression, in a sense, is very real to me. I used to think that as a Christian, depression should not be an issue. We have a Holy Spirit that intercedes for us. We have Jesus Christ who conquered all for us just to be near Him. But I’ve learned that you can’t just say “Well, a Christian should deal with depression.” because a Christian can struggle with anything. Just because you are a follower of Jesus Christ does not me you won’t struggle with some difficult things. What it does mean is that your struggle is not hopeless, you have the Power to not be defeated in the struggle and you have a Savior who is there to rescue you from being consumed by your struggle.
Identity and self esteem issues. I’m sure if you ask almost any female if they struggle with this and nearly every one of them will answer yes to some level or degree. I am no exception. I have come to realize that I do not find my identity in Christ Jesus. I want to, but it is not something I can say is true of my life. I find my identity in what I do, what my hobbies are, and the things that I am good at, the things that I am ‘known’ for. If you were to look on nearly anything where I have written the answer to the question “tell me about yourself” you will find that I have taken great lengths to tell you all of the things that I want you to know about me, the things that I want you to read and think “Okay, that is who Cassie is.” I want you to know that I am artsy. But that isn’t enough for me. I want you to know that I like taking pictures and that I’m fairly good at it. I want you to know that I love flowers and that I make floral arrangements by myself that look fairly decent. I want you to know that I like to design clothes and that I sew clothes and I may just leave out the fact that without my mom helping me, I probably couldn’t finish half of the things that I try to sew because I want you to think that I am creative and talented. Also, I would want you to know that I love music; I love to sing and play piano. But I can’t just stop there either. Instead, I have to inform you that I write my own songs and lyrics. To which I know you will ask “Oh really?” and then you would follow with some sort of remark that would inevitably lead you to find out that I have a fairly decent voice and I have some amount of talent at the piano. I wouldn’t tell you that I don’t like the sound of my voice half of the time and I wouldn’t tell you that my songs really aren’t that good and if you were to ask me to sing something for you, I would instantly shrink away and not want to utter another sound. However, in the back of my mind I would be trying to figure out how you might ‘overhear’ me singing or playing the piano sometime so that you would know how I sound for yourself. And my self esteem…well, I won’t go into too much detail. I never would have admitted as much but I seek approval. If I dress up nice I want people to let me know that I look nice because I will doubt it all day long until someone approves of me. If I am rambling on and on, laughing and being obnoxious and silly, at some point I will think “Is this annoying anyone? Am I being too annoying? I wonder what they’re thinking. Do I need to bring it down a little bit? Am I just annoying them or is this okay?” And I will continue to think that way until someone satisfies that fear and gives me approval.
Are you blown away yet? Are you thinking that I’m nothing like you thought I was? Are you sitting there dumfounded now with the realization that I am prideful and self-centered? Believe me I’m disgusted as well, but sin is never pretty. In fact, it’s down right ugly.
I too, feel as if I have to communicate myself in a certain way to people. When I’m at church I feel as if I have to communicate certain things to people. I have to be friendly to all my friends. I have to smile and give hugs - I’m not a huge hug person. When I’m at church or around people from church I feel as if I have to be careful how I communicate my relationship with Andrew. I feel as if I have to be less physical in order to have their approval. I feel like we can’t be too close or hug for too long or someone is going to raise an eyebrow and think ill of our relationship. I also have realized that around certain people I have to guard how much I talk about my relationship with Andrew. I feel that since we aren’t technically engaged yet that in their eyes, I don’t have the right to be talking about him so much or even struggling with some of the things we struggle with or discussing the plans that we have. Basically, I feel as if I have to portray a certain Cassie to certain people in order for them to give me approval that I am a good little Christian doing good little Christian things. Even with my parents, I have to make sure that I say certain things so that they know their daughter is a good student, that she is thinking about her career, and that she isn’t neglecting her spiritual life. And if I don’t say those things, if I don’t portray that Cassie, I leave wondering if they got the wrong impression of who I am.
And finally, the last thing that really hit me from that interview was when Joy Williams said “I didn’t feel content with who I was.” I thought about that. Am I content with who I am. I know that in the past I was definitely not content with who I was. I wanted to be more artistic. I wanted to be certain things, do certain things, look a certain way. Honestly, the ideal me would be something like this. I would have clear skin and never struggle with acne at all. My hair would curl evenly all over and I wouldn’t have to wonder how frizzy it was. I would bring fresh flowers home with me all the time and arrange them and have them all over my house. I would cook amazing meals and present them with the greatest care. I would bake desserts that looked amazing and then give them to people who needed encouragement. I would spend time in the word every morning with my Chinese Flower tea. I would go running to clear my head and go to the gym with a friend on designated days. I would have a small photography business taking portraits for people and I would make the shirts and dresses and skirts that I designed on my free time. And I would have a husband that loves me and says all the right things and does all the right things and leads me spiritually all the time, praying together and talking about things out of the word, things we struggled with understanding. Basically, the ideal me is a perfect one with a perfect life…nothing like reality. I came to grips with the fact that my ideal life was never going to occur but yet, I still tried for certain things. I learned how to sew and I started taking up photography on a more ‘professional’ level as well as trying to figure out what it would take to turn it into a business. I cook all the time because I actually enjoy it and I do love making desserts that look amazing and I love taking them to people and showing them off and praying that they taste as good as they look. I try to let Andrew know the things that are important to me and I tried to help him understand me as best I can so that he can better meet the needs I have. So even though I know that ideal life will never occur, part of me still reaches for them. So am I content with who I am? Not entirely and quite honestly I don’t think I will ever be completely content with who I am physically, emotionally and spiritually. But this topic is something that I’m getting a slightly better grip on. I’m past the physically content part - I’ve learned to accept how I look and learn to like it and work with it. Emotionally is a struggle still. I’m constantly struggling with being content with the fact that I am not engaged, that I am not planning a wedding and that I am not married. That is the root of my main struggles right now. Part of that struggle with being content is also linked to the desire to get engaged, to get married. At times I feel as if I’m not going to ever be satisfied with who I am until I have a ring on my finger or until I’m planning my wedding or until I am married to the man I love. Spiritually I am not content because I know that I am not doing what I should. I haven’t had a quiet time where I focused solely on Christ and His word in a few weeks and I’m not content with that, nor should I be.
Have you ever read the Oath? If you have you will recall the black sludge like mark that appears over the chest of the sinful. You may also recall the various ways that people tried to disguise it with taking a lot of showers and spraying on perfume or cologne and trying to cover the mark up. In the book, the mark eventually is not able to be hidden no matter what the bearer of the mark tries to do. It smells. It’s seething more blackness, and everyone begins to notice. And finally, it causes your downfall. I’ve tried to hide my ‘little’ black mark just like everyone else and these past few days I’ve come to realize the severity of it. It’s disgusting. It reeks. Nothing I can do will remove that mark. But it can be washed clean. It has been washed clean. The blood of Jesus Christ my Advocate is stronger than any black mark and it can wash clean any sin no matter how ugly.
Yes, my sin is ugly. But by the power of Christ Jesus my Redeemer and Savior, my Advocate who paid the greatest price so that my ugly disgusting sin would be no more before the throne of my Father, by that power, my sin is washed clean.
I just realized a great deal of things I think I’ve been avoiding for awhile. It’s amazing what God can do with you when you’re all alone just sitting in your room thinking, of course, I’m sure He could have done so much more if I had been in the word instead of looking through old letters. Regardless of how God pricked my heart, the point is He did. I’m trying to be careful as I write this that I’m not merely writing what I want to write versus the truth of what I should be writing. I tend to do that at times, the writer side of me takes over and the truth of what I wanted to say gets scrambled in eloquent words and tactful sentences.
God blessed Joy Williams with such an amazing talent of word usage and the power of lyrics and moving instrumentals. I’ve always felt a deep heartfelt connection to her words but that connection would become weakened by my thoughts of my own inadequacy of the lyrics that I have written. I would find myself comparing my words, my lyrics, my music to hers and feeling so horribly insufficient. Everything she wrote was so much better than mine; her words said exactly what I had been trying so desperately to portray with words and I was jealous, envious that God blessed her with the talent I want. When I was listening to her CD again tonight, those same thoughts of inadequacy bubbled to the surface along with a tremendous dose of jealous envy. As soon as I felt that pang of jealousy my brain instantly shifted to the previous feelings of envy that I had been feeling with regards to engagements and weddings. It seems as if this is the season to get engaged. Nearly everywhere I turn someone has just become engaged or someone is planning a wedding or having a bridal shower or a few months away from the ‘happiest day of their life’ and instead of being happy for those people, I loath the fact that they have what I want. It sounds horrible doesn’t it? Hearing the words: They have what I want. I’ve wrapped myself around that sentence and become bitter towards everyone that walks by me with an engagement ring on, everyone that is happily planning a wedding, every newlywed that walks by. Through becoming bitter, I became frustrated with myself for feeling that bitter resentment and when frustration wasn’t enough, I grew to hate myself for the envy and resentment I couldn’t shake.
I moved from my spot onto the floor and tried to distract myself from my envious thoughts and feelings by researching one of Joy Williams’ songs. I stumbled across an interview that Christianity Today had with Joy Williams in 2005. Upon reading that interview, I felt as if someone had taken my innermost self and posted it on the internet. Nearly everything that Joy Williams had to say I related to in some way and just about everything she struggled with was a similar struggle of my own. To borrow the phrase from Anne of Green Gables, I felt as if I had found a ‘kindred spirit’. She talks of a time in her life when she recognized she had a great deal of soul-searching to do and when she realized she needed to get past her tendencies to hide pain. Continuing the interview, she talks of how it wasn’t okay for her to feel broken, that when she was broken over something, she would tape it up real fast so it wouldn’t burden anyone. I’m going to quote part of what Joy Williams said her marriage counselor told her. He said “Can you just stop talking for a second? I just have to let you know; you hide so much, Joy.” He might as well have said Cassie in place of Joy because I felt as if someone had shoved me down into my chair - hard. He continued “You're not supposed to deal with this on your own, to spackle the walls of all the cracks in your soul on your own. It doesn't work. You have to be vulnerable, bring it out into the light, and trust that with people that you know, so they can encourage you." Now, this isn’t something that if you asked me, that I would tell you I struggle with on a regular basis. In fact, I might even tell you that I have become a lot better about not hiding my pain. But the reality is, that if I were to tell you my pain, it’s because I want attention from you. I want you to make me feel better. I want your pity and I want to feel as I am important to you, that you’d take the time to ‘make sure I was okay’ before you moved on to everyone else in your world. I would share my pain only if I wanted your attention, affection, and your time. Apart from that, if I am hurting…really hurting, only a select few people, if any, will know about it and even with those select few, I feel as if I’m not allowed to hurt for too long so I try to spackle up all the cracks in my soul quickly.
Have I lost you yet? Hopefully you’re still with me because I’m not through just yet.
Later in the interview, a few other things were said that caught my attention. Phrases like “I developed unhealthy patterns in the way that I viewed myself and a little bit of depression.” “I had to learn to deal with my own identity and layers of self esteem problems.” “I felt like I had to communicate myself in a certain way to people.” and “I didn’t feel content with who I was.” I could spend hours on just that last sentence! There was so much in this interview that stunned me because I recognized those same things in myself.
Those unhealthy patterns in the way that Joy Williams viewed herself as well as struggling with tendencies of depression, I struggle with them as well. I know some of the ways that I view myself are not necessarily healthy. I feel like I have this standard that I have to reach before I can walk out the door. I have this impression of what beauty is so I make myself reach for it every morning. And on those days that I can’t reach it, I feel insecure. And on those rare days when I decide that I’m not going to let my view of beauty rule my day, on those days I feel very vulnerable and it takes a great deal of effort to get through the day. Depression is something I’ve always thought about in the back of my mind. I have the tendency to shut down when things happen that I don’t know how to deal with. It takes all of my energy and strength to make myself utter even the simplest of prayers when event occur that I can’t handle. Right now you might be thinking “You can’t handle those events on your own, you need God to give you strength.” I know that to be truth but it is the hardest truth for me to embrace when I can’t cope with something or when I don’t know what to do. Instead of going to the throne of my Father and leaning on His strength and His wisdom for the situation, my body just stops. I don’t think, I don’t feel, the only thing I do is sleep. It’s like a switch that goes off. Something happens that I don’t know how to deal with and the switch is flipped and instantaneously I have no thoughts, I have no feelings, no emotions, suddenly the only thing I know to do is crawl into my bed and forget the world. It is so hard to stop myself from crawling into that bed. My strength is gone by the time I get to that switch and struggle with all of my might to turn it back on and after that, I practically crawl to my Fathers feet. Depression, in a sense, is very real to me. I used to think that as a Christian, depression should not be an issue. We have a Holy Spirit that intercedes for us. We have Jesus Christ who conquered all for us just to be near Him. But I’ve learned that you can’t just say “Well, a Christian should deal with depression.” because a Christian can struggle with anything. Just because you are a follower of Jesus Christ does not me you won’t struggle with some difficult things. What it does mean is that your struggle is not hopeless, you have the Power to not be defeated in the struggle and you have a Savior who is there to rescue you from being consumed by your struggle.
Identity and self esteem issues. I’m sure if you ask almost any female if they struggle with this and nearly every one of them will answer yes to some level or degree. I am no exception. I have come to realize that I do not find my identity in Christ Jesus. I want to, but it is not something I can say is true of my life. I find my identity in what I do, what my hobbies are, and the things that I am good at, the things that I am ‘known’ for. If you were to look on nearly anything where I have written the answer to the question “tell me about yourself” you will find that I have taken great lengths to tell you all of the things that I want you to know about me, the things that I want you to read and think “Okay, that is who Cassie is.” I want you to know that I am artsy. But that isn’t enough for me. I want you to know that I like taking pictures and that I’m fairly good at it. I want you to know that I love flowers and that I make floral arrangements by myself that look fairly decent. I want you to know that I like to design clothes and that I sew clothes and I may just leave out the fact that without my mom helping me, I probably couldn’t finish half of the things that I try to sew because I want you to think that I am creative and talented. Also, I would want you to know that I love music; I love to sing and play piano. But I can’t just stop there either. Instead, I have to inform you that I write my own songs and lyrics. To which I know you will ask “Oh really?” and then you would follow with some sort of remark that would inevitably lead you to find out that I have a fairly decent voice and I have some amount of talent at the piano. I wouldn’t tell you that I don’t like the sound of my voice half of the time and I wouldn’t tell you that my songs really aren’t that good and if you were to ask me to sing something for you, I would instantly shrink away and not want to utter another sound. However, in the back of my mind I would be trying to figure out how you might ‘overhear’ me singing or playing the piano sometime so that you would know how I sound for yourself. And my self esteem…well, I won’t go into too much detail. I never would have admitted as much but I seek approval. If I dress up nice I want people to let me know that I look nice because I will doubt it all day long until someone approves of me. If I am rambling on and on, laughing and being obnoxious and silly, at some point I will think “Is this annoying anyone? Am I being too annoying? I wonder what they’re thinking. Do I need to bring it down a little bit? Am I just annoying them or is this okay?” And I will continue to think that way until someone satisfies that fear and gives me approval.
Are you blown away yet? Are you thinking that I’m nothing like you thought I was? Are you sitting there dumfounded now with the realization that I am prideful and self-centered? Believe me I’m disgusted as well, but sin is never pretty. In fact, it’s down right ugly.
I too, feel as if I have to communicate myself in a certain way to people. When I’m at church I feel as if I have to communicate certain things to people. I have to be friendly to all my friends. I have to smile and give hugs - I’m not a huge hug person. When I’m at church or around people from church I feel as if I have to be careful how I communicate my relationship with Andrew. I feel as if I have to be less physical in order to have their approval. I feel like we can’t be too close or hug for too long or someone is going to raise an eyebrow and think ill of our relationship. I also have realized that around certain people I have to guard how much I talk about my relationship with Andrew. I feel that since we aren’t technically engaged yet that in their eyes, I don’t have the right to be talking about him so much or even struggling with some of the things we struggle with or discussing the plans that we have. Basically, I feel as if I have to portray a certain Cassie to certain people in order for them to give me approval that I am a good little Christian doing good little Christian things. Even with my parents, I have to make sure that I say certain things so that they know their daughter is a good student, that she is thinking about her career, and that she isn’t neglecting her spiritual life. And if I don’t say those things, if I don’t portray that Cassie, I leave wondering if they got the wrong impression of who I am.
And finally, the last thing that really hit me from that interview was when Joy Williams said “I didn’t feel content with who I was.” I thought about that. Am I content with who I am. I know that in the past I was definitely not content with who I was. I wanted to be more artistic. I wanted to be certain things, do certain things, look a certain way. Honestly, the ideal me would be something like this. I would have clear skin and never struggle with acne at all. My hair would curl evenly all over and I wouldn’t have to wonder how frizzy it was. I would bring fresh flowers home with me all the time and arrange them and have them all over my house. I would cook amazing meals and present them with the greatest care. I would bake desserts that looked amazing and then give them to people who needed encouragement. I would spend time in the word every morning with my Chinese Flower tea. I would go running to clear my head and go to the gym with a friend on designated days. I would have a small photography business taking portraits for people and I would make the shirts and dresses and skirts that I designed on my free time. And I would have a husband that loves me and says all the right things and does all the right things and leads me spiritually all the time, praying together and talking about things out of the word, things we struggled with understanding. Basically, the ideal me is a perfect one with a perfect life…nothing like reality. I came to grips with the fact that my ideal life was never going to occur but yet, I still tried for certain things. I learned how to sew and I started taking up photography on a more ‘professional’ level as well as trying to figure out what it would take to turn it into a business. I cook all the time because I actually enjoy it and I do love making desserts that look amazing and I love taking them to people and showing them off and praying that they taste as good as they look. I try to let Andrew know the things that are important to me and I tried to help him understand me as best I can so that he can better meet the needs I have. So even though I know that ideal life will never occur, part of me still reaches for them. So am I content with who I am? Not entirely and quite honestly I don’t think I will ever be completely content with who I am physically, emotionally and spiritually. But this topic is something that I’m getting a slightly better grip on. I’m past the physically content part - I’ve learned to accept how I look and learn to like it and work with it. Emotionally is a struggle still. I’m constantly struggling with being content with the fact that I am not engaged, that I am not planning a wedding and that I am not married. That is the root of my main struggles right now. Part of that struggle with being content is also linked to the desire to get engaged, to get married. At times I feel as if I’m not going to ever be satisfied with who I am until I have a ring on my finger or until I’m planning my wedding or until I am married to the man I love. Spiritually I am not content because I know that I am not doing what I should. I haven’t had a quiet time where I focused solely on Christ and His word in a few weeks and I’m not content with that, nor should I be.
Have you ever read the Oath? If you have you will recall the black sludge like mark that appears over the chest of the sinful. You may also recall the various ways that people tried to disguise it with taking a lot of showers and spraying on perfume or cologne and trying to cover the mark up. In the book, the mark eventually is not able to be hidden no matter what the bearer of the mark tries to do. It smells. It’s seething more blackness, and everyone begins to notice. And finally, it causes your downfall. I’ve tried to hide my ‘little’ black mark just like everyone else and these past few days I’ve come to realize the severity of it. It’s disgusting. It reeks. Nothing I can do will remove that mark. But it can be washed clean. It has been washed clean. The blood of Jesus Christ my Advocate is stronger than any black mark and it can wash clean any sin no matter how ugly.
Yes, my sin is ugly. But by the power of Christ Jesus my Redeemer and Savior, my Advocate who paid the greatest price so that my ugly disgusting sin would be no more before the throne of my Father, by that power, my sin is washed clean.