Worst realization EVER.
I have no friends.
No one really likes me. I don't know how to make friends and I've taken advantage of all of the "friends" that I do have. I think I'm too above the people that want to be my friend and the people who I want to be my friends are too above me. Christina was the only person I ever hung out with (that wasn't Derek, obviously) and now she's gone. Jimmy and Cheryl are great, but I'm not one of them. I'm a fun outsider, but I don't think I could ever be part of their little cool kid club. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't make out with people. I don't stay out very late. I don't sleep over people's houses. I am such a bitch in all ways.
I don't know what's changed in me. Being friends with Christina was the first step in no longer being the old me. We taught each other to hate others and feel like we only needed the other. Then, in meeting Derek, I decided that no one else was worth my time the way that he was. I stopped doing drama, I stopped going to Slam and Jams. I stopped ever hanging out with any friends. I stopped making friends and eventually I even turned my back on Christina. I am such a bad friend.
I never talk to Candace. I never make plans with Jimmy and Cheryl. Becca and Allie don't really feel like even caring anymore. They have their real friends.
I'm reconsidering going to Prom. I should have fucking gone last year. The people at NHHS aren't my friends anymore. Because I don't have any friends. They were the whole reason I was going to go.
I need to start playing with people more. I don't even have enough people in my possible-friend-circle to ever plan anything. And work's a bitch and that's where I spend half of my non-school time.
I miss high school. I miss having to be with people. I miss making friends and knowing people and at least keeping in touch with people by sitting with them at lunch and saying hi to them in the hallways.
I'm so uninvolved in my own life. I need people. I need social interaction. I need peoplepeoplepeople and friendsfriendsfriends. I want to visit Christina's school and help her make friends.
In some ways I want to say fuck you to a lot of people and just try to make all new friends. Unfortunately, I now lack that old drive and that dorky way that I could just talk to people. I think that it's because I have a boyfriend, so I can't flirt with boys like I used to. I don't drink, so I don't go to parties, and if I did, they'd ostracize me like they do at Evan's parties because I don't drink. And fuck. It. All.
Aimee, I know you read my LJ. Don't mind the cussing. And don't tell my stepmom about me being upset about stuff. *sigh* I'll get over it.
PS. I'm not mad at everyone in the world. I'm not mad at anyone really. I'm just sad. Sad and alone.
No one really likes me. I don't know how to make friends and I've taken advantage of all of the "friends" that I do have. I think I'm too above the people that want to be my friend and the people who I want to be my friends are too above me. Christina was the only person I ever hung out with (that wasn't Derek, obviously) and now she's gone. Jimmy and Cheryl are great, but I'm not one of them. I'm a fun outsider, but I don't think I could ever be part of their little cool kid club. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't make out with people. I don't stay out very late. I don't sleep over people's houses. I am such a bitch in all ways.
I don't know what's changed in me. Being friends with Christina was the first step in no longer being the old me. We taught each other to hate others and feel like we only needed the other. Then, in meeting Derek, I decided that no one else was worth my time the way that he was. I stopped doing drama, I stopped going to Slam and Jams. I stopped ever hanging out with any friends. I stopped making friends and eventually I even turned my back on Christina. I am such a bad friend.
I never talk to Candace. I never make plans with Jimmy and Cheryl. Becca and Allie don't really feel like even caring anymore. They have their real friends.
I'm reconsidering going to Prom. I should have fucking gone last year. The people at NHHS aren't my friends anymore. Because I don't have any friends. They were the whole reason I was going to go.
I need to start playing with people more. I don't even have enough people in my possible-friend-circle to ever plan anything. And work's a bitch and that's where I spend half of my non-school time.
I miss high school. I miss having to be with people. I miss making friends and knowing people and at least keeping in touch with people by sitting with them at lunch and saying hi to them in the hallways.
I'm so uninvolved in my own life. I need people. I need social interaction. I need peoplepeoplepeople and friendsfriendsfriends. I want to visit Christina's school and help her make friends.
In some ways I want to say fuck you to a lot of people and just try to make all new friends. Unfortunately, I now lack that old drive and that dorky way that I could just talk to people. I think that it's because I have a boyfriend, so I can't flirt with boys like I used to. I don't drink, so I don't go to parties, and if I did, they'd ostracize me like they do at Evan's parties because I don't drink. And fuck. It. All.
Aimee, I know you read my LJ. Don't mind the cussing. And don't tell my stepmom about me being upset about stuff. *sigh* I'll get over it.
PS. I'm not mad at everyone in the world. I'm not mad at anyone really. I'm just sad. Sad and alone.