(no subject)
I'm gonna start killing things soon if I don't get happier... Not people... at least not yet... I need out of this house so badly it kills. However there is no one in fucking henderson who wants to move out and live for once and it bugs me to no end that people are such wallflowers and unwilling to take a chance on something that could be so good for them! I'm gonna tear my hair out and scream till I'm hoarse for gods sake... why the hell do I have to have such a fucked up family. An over emotional sister who can't simply be cool, and a compulsive liar for a mother that thinks she has some control over what I think, and what I do. I want to say I should have never came back to henderson, but if I didn't I wouldn't have... I hate my life... I hate it so much, sometimes I wish I would just break down and accept the fact that I need meds to regulate or even damper my emotions, but I fear that that'd make me not me anymore... that I wouldn't see the beauty, and the complications of conflict and inner peace. NOr would I enjoy the two at such a hightened level anymore. Do you have any idea what it's like to have someone tell you everything is going to be alright... in the midst of mental destruction, and have it feel that way. It's kinda like screwing right up to the building climax and having it. Everything seems better... you're hungry again and you can rest easy knowing you've made love with someone you hopefully love. You see, around here... in my head, that's what telling me eveything is going to be ok is like... only you find out that it never was going to be ok again like 2 day later which equates to...
30 minutes after making love to that girl or guy, he rolls over and looks you in the eye so lovingly and tells you... "I've been sleeping with that guy at work you hate so much, and he gave me aids. But I still love you." At which point she kisses you. That's my fading hope... and my only light is that call I make each night, and that person that I hang out with every weekend... her along with my writing is my only peace. That's it. So to all of you out there living comfortably in life, stressing over finals or that girlfriend, or rent that put you back so much you don't know how you're going to eat for the next month, know, I feel your pain, I've been there, I know the feeling of hopelessness, and the feeling of rejection, of endless sorrow, and endless love. And know, like all things, it'll probably pass.
30 minutes after making love to that girl or guy, he rolls over and looks you in the eye so lovingly and tells you... "I've been sleeping with that guy at work you hate so much, and he gave me aids. But I still love you." At which point she kisses you. That's my fading hope... and my only light is that call I make each night, and that person that I hang out with every weekend... her along with my writing is my only peace. That's it. So to all of you out there living comfortably in life, stressing over finals or that girlfriend, or rent that put you back so much you don't know how you're going to eat for the next month, know, I feel your pain, I've been there, I know the feeling of hopelessness, and the feeling of rejection, of endless sorrow, and endless love. And know, like all things, it'll probably pass.