Building A Bomb
WARNING
This post contains material not suitable for all audiences,
especially sensitive persons offended by bathroom humor.
I have the know how and technology to build a bomb so devastating it would be inhuman to drop on civilization. I'm very careful with this knowledge. I would not want it to fall into the wrong hands.
Last week Number-2 walked into my and Hermanos' office, sat on a desk and farted. He thinks this is hilarious. We don't. I warned him of my reputation. "You don't want to start a war with me." On Monday he repeated the offense. I warned him again. Yesterday he committed a third offense. I officially declared war on Number-2.
I'm not often proud of the fact certain combinations of food and drink result in the most ungodly gas known to mankind. It's in my genes. My dad fowled many rooms in his day. No one followed him into a bathroom. The difference between my father and I is this, he relished his odor and found it funny to gross people out. I've had many moments of laughter but most times it's just nasty, and slightly embarrassing.
Many years ago I made my future sister-in-law throw up. No kidding. She screamed, "Oh my god, what's that smell?", when the noxious odor hit her nose, ran to the bathroom with hands cupped over mouth, and puked several times. I still hear the echo of her ralphing in the bowl 26 years later. In the 90's a coworker walked into my department, his eyes bugged out, he ran to the bathroom and tossed his lunch. Then there was the Brady Incident.
Before moving to Arizona I was looking at homes in Tucson with my friends Tom and Sue. We toured model homes named after television families, the Huxtable, the Partridge, the Cleaver, and the Brady. While roaming the halls of the Brady model I was overcome by mother nature. I ran into the bathroom to take care of business. Several minutes later we stood in the kitchen noticing the smell was spreading like uncontrolled wildfire. We heard other home buyers enter the front door of the house. Tom, Sue and I ducked out the back door, laughing. We don't know if the other people made it out.
The good news is, I rarely have gas of this magnitude and I know what food combinations to avoid ........ unless I intend on building a Gastro-Bomb.
In the last 30 minutes I ate two hard boiled eggs, a can of sardines with crackers, and peanut butter. This combination creates a force not known to humankind. Once these ingredients have mingled and fermented I will be armed with a weapon of mass destruction. Kim Jong Ill would be envious.
I will then unleash the fury on Number-2. I will wait for him to be in his office on the phone with a customer, when he can't escape. If I were able to wash this recipe down with two beers, he would not survive.
Unfortunately, once released, the destrutive nature of this weapon cannot be controlled. As in all warfare, there is sometimes collateral damage. Innocent bystanders could be harmed. I hope my coworkers understand they're not being targeted.