Weather, Traffic & Sports Report
I'm not exaggerating. One quarter inch of rain in Phoenix is worst than six inches of snow up north. Leather skinned desert people can't drive in the rain. I got around Providence in a foot of snow faster than a rainy day in Sonoran suburbia. And the grid pattern of our valley planners lends itself to many bad intersections. It's carnage out there.
It was 100 degrees today, 10/14/10. This is a late season three digit day, summer's last gasp. The perfect weather is here. We survive the 4 morbidly hot devil months for the 8 good to amazing months. I'm on the back patio with a small Monte Cristo cigar and my brewer patriot friend, Sam Adams. He and I go way back.
October has been my favorite month for most of my life, well, since I started thinking of such things as what my favorite month is. I can brag about Arizona weather in the fall but I do so missing terribly the harvest moon in Ye Old New England. October and November back home are fabulous. If you're lucky to get a late indian summer autumn will be the best time of year to visit New England.
March has always been my second favorite month, my birth month, the rejuvenation of spring and important rituals like baseball. Because we have MLB spring training here in the basin. March is a great month for weather and baseball. It rains like the Amazon in Rhode Island during March and April. I'm sitting in the 75-80 degree sun with a hot dog, beer and my scorebook at the ballpark.
I remember one spring when it rained so much we lost baseball fields along the Pawtuxet River to floods. I was the little league player agent and had field, game, and practice schedule duties. It was a nightmare season culminating with a June of 18 rainy days. The same weather pounded RI and MA this past spring if you recall the reports. I dodged that one.
PHX wins the best spring comparison without a contest.
When you say 'football weather' anyone knows that means crisp to freezing temps ... not air conditioning. The Steelers get their predatory quarterback on the field this week. What it is with Pennsyvania NFL teams? They have a serial date raper and a dog torturer/murderer as quarterbacks. I'm a Steeler fan saying that about Big Ben. I hope he behaves better off the field. At least he didn't kill a defenseless fighting pit bull ...... Did I just type that?
October is also fall baseball season. I love the game but my interest sometimes fades with summer if the Red Sox are not in the postseason and the Yankees are. I hate watching the evil empire win. This year I'm rooting with San Francisco ..... a longshot.
I have to give RI the edge on best autumn. It's nice here but they have the genuine article of autumn with the whole harvest and foliage thing going on. Down here we just fake it with little black and orange Walgreens decorations on our palm trees and cactus.
Best summer is a no brainer. The sun, beaches and seafood of NE versus Satan's cauldron. Tough call. There's no reason to say another word on it.
The holiday season is better here unless you're dreaming of a white Christmas. He have a brown Christmas ..... but they do up the lights big time in AZ. The religious ritual season is like crisp autumn elsewhere, but with Mormons, and they light up Motown. After years of decorating my home with frozen fingers and slippery ladders I thought doing decorations would be easy here. In 2002 I got a fucking sunburn you wouldn't believe for late November. I have not hung an outdoor light since.
In winter people are coming here to hike or play golf to avoid shoveling snow. They hate driving in that slushy crap. The worst is when the slush road freezes into ruts you can't get your tires out of. If you need to get out of that frozen rut you can join the flock coming here in the winter.
If the golfers get a little rain on their winter getaway to AZ they'll wish to hell they stayed in Idaho, Iowa, or whatever Ice cube state they come from. The 1/4 inch of rain .... they don't mind compared to snow .... turns the valley into gridlock. Thousands of out-of-towners on the road don't help. And then there's the other invasion.
The population bulges under the influx of Q-tipped snowbirds. You can't get anywhere, every place is crowded, you wait and wait all winter for a table. Not even getting up early avoids the Arizona Blue Haired Lane Clogger. That bird gets up at 5:00 to do the errands they could do at 10am while we're at work. They go out during morning rush, little men with caps, huge square sun glasses, and white knuckles choking the the steering wheel.
The vehicle of choice for the AARP motorist does not help matters. Large campers and RVs cruise the roads clogging arteries captained by lost indecisive drivers with cataracts.
Fuck. Me.
Driving is a headache here in winter. The grid pattern means red lights every half mile to mile. You'll catch the same red light three times in January when out of state plates clog the road. That same intersection in August is a ghost town.
The Canadiens are the worst driver. People from Alberta drive 40 mph everywhere, in the left lane of the 75mph open desert highway, and on the speed bumped 25mph kid infested neighborhoods. They just drive forty.
People from Minnesota can't maintain a speed of any predictability, 35 to 65, but with their brakes lights tapping every four to six seconds in a never ending speed up and slow down pattern. I saw Fargo. I know why they're here.
They come here for the weather. As the waning weeks of autumn slip past the arteries from the north with pour souls looking for warmth into this arid basin. The fabulous winter season is our blessing and curse. We pay a price for our 60's and sunny.
Even with the invasion, traffic snarl, and 45 minute wait at Arriba's Mexican Grille, PHX wins the best winter contest. No shoveling or driving in snow.
That's today's weather, traffic and sports report, from Chopper 7 in the sky, good night.