(no subject)
Everything fell apart.
I'm sitting on the floor in my living room trying to paste back together torn apart pictures. I'm trying to salvage the burned ones as much as I can. There's pictures everywhere. I can't fucking look in any direction without seeing one if full view & as far as I can see peripherally. I'm staring at all these faces. My face. Tiffany's face, Jessica's, Felicia's, Justin's, Andrew's, Hannah's face, Kourtney's, John's smile, There's Chris. Your face, I'm sure.
I think about mine & his next conversation all day. Up until his ringer sets off & all of the things I thought of are thrown out the door & straight into my face. I can't believe it's gotten like this. I never, ever, would have thought we would have been this quiet. He has nothing to say to me, he said it himself. He doesn't know why he even comes to see me, he said it his fucking self. Then stop calling, stop coming over. Please. Fuck. If I'm that bad then don't associate yourself with me. He makes me fall apart & tears me down to tears every day. I hide it pretty well atleast...I'm sure that's the wrong way to go about this when looking at the bigger picture. But atleast I'm not losing anyone or pushing anyone away.
I can't sit next to him and look him in the eyes. He can't look into mine either.We've grown apart. This is normal. I knew it would more than likely happen some day. It's just insane to look back at all the shit we went through together & now we can't even hold a 2minutes conversation. It's just sad I guess. I'll never forget him, I may never get over him. Of course, I'll act like I have, and go on, date again, have relationships, but I wouldn't be suprised if in my mine all I'm doing is comparing and thinking about what he's doing. I'm sure this is just an immature statement and I'll get over it. I mean....right?
I can't even hold back tears right now. This is so fucking ridiculous. I feel gulity. For everything. For everything going on with him. Like it was all my fault. Maybe if I never stayed aorund he'd be in a better place. Maybe worse. I can't stand all the 'what if's." That's what really gets to me. What if I stayed with him when he wouldn't stay clean. Maybe all he needed was more of a push. Maybe I should'nt have left when he was seeing other girls. Maybe he would have seen I obviously care. Maybe it would have helped him. Maybe I'm being a dumbass.
Me & justin still aren't very kewl. I doubt we ever will be. I don't blame him. At all. But I don't think he completely grasps everything. Maybe I could have explained things better. Maybe I didn't cause I didn't want to remeber, explain, and admit these things to myself.
I can see where everything's going to go from here on. I'm going to end up in re-hab again soon enough I'm sure. I'm trying to get into counseling now, atleast I'm trying to stop my little bullshit blame game cycles.
and I'm done being an idiot.
later fools