depressing thoughts
I think I had another one of those realizations again... the realization of how annoying I truly am to others... those realizations that make me wish I was just not born.
I am so annoying to other people sometimes (some people may even say all the time), I really just think sometimes that maybe if I wasn't born, it would not make a difference.
I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to be useful to someone. I want this annoying life I lead to have some purpose. Why do I feel like I'm doomed to constantly learn from the same mistake, only to forget and be reminded... is that really learning? if you forget?
today, while talking about first loves in a circle at nobu and taisuke's house (kokyou was there, therefore there was a girl, and we are not all gay for having this conversation), and when it came to me, I thought of how many weird relationships, and I thought so deeply about what to call love and whatnot, when what they wanted was basically my first girlfriend... of course, not being satisfied with saying that, I had to explain why my first girlfriend wasn't elligible, then went on to talk a lot, and being in japanese, that made it more long-winded, talking my way around words I didn't know + in english it would've been long too...
Kokyou pretty much told me flat out "no one wants to hear it, next person" not in an angry voice or anything, just a "wow you talk too much" kinda voice.
then I think about how da sum gives me that "ick" look (which I know is just her trying to be cute), then I think of my experience in the "relationship" department... and I remember how amazingly annoying, unpopular with girls, and stupid my life has been up til now (annoying referring to me, well, life is annoying too, but anyways)
da som was reaching for the cord on the ceiling fan, so I picked her up around the waist and she did whatever with it, and when I put her down, she kind of caught my hand for a second, and my heart kinda went a little happy for a sec... it was probably my imagination though.
I really miss Kaori...
I need to sleep...
I don't want to sleep yet, I want to write in this some more...
I have been told that girls like guys with confidence... I have no confidence, because girls don't like me, and they don't like me because I don't have confidence...
this entry was stupid... a waste of time... there's still things I want to say, but even though I've already said this much, I still am afraid of saying some things... maybe if I talked one on one with someone about it, someone who it probably wouldn't be about... right now I'm thinking KT... James would probably laugh at me and tell me to stop whining... I'm not in the mood for that kind of 100% reality, even though I also agree I should stop whining...
I am so annoying to other people sometimes (some people may even say all the time), I really just think sometimes that maybe if I wasn't born, it would not make a difference.
I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to be useful to someone. I want this annoying life I lead to have some purpose. Why do I feel like I'm doomed to constantly learn from the same mistake, only to forget and be reminded... is that really learning? if you forget?
today, while talking about first loves in a circle at nobu and taisuke's house (kokyou was there, therefore there was a girl, and we are not all gay for having this conversation), and when it came to me, I thought of how many weird relationships, and I thought so deeply about what to call love and whatnot, when what they wanted was basically my first girlfriend... of course, not being satisfied with saying that, I had to explain why my first girlfriend wasn't elligible, then went on to talk a lot, and being in japanese, that made it more long-winded, talking my way around words I didn't know + in english it would've been long too...
Kokyou pretty much told me flat out "no one wants to hear it, next person" not in an angry voice or anything, just a "wow you talk too much" kinda voice.
then I think about how da sum gives me that "ick" look (which I know is just her trying to be cute), then I think of my experience in the "relationship" department... and I remember how amazingly annoying, unpopular with girls, and stupid my life has been up til now (annoying referring to me, well, life is annoying too, but anyways)
da som was reaching for the cord on the ceiling fan, so I picked her up around the waist and she did whatever with it, and when I put her down, she kind of caught my hand for a second, and my heart kinda went a little happy for a sec... it was probably my imagination though.
I really miss Kaori...
I need to sleep...
I don't want to sleep yet, I want to write in this some more...
I have been told that girls like guys with confidence... I have no confidence, because girls don't like me, and they don't like me because I don't have confidence...
this entry was stupid... a waste of time... there's still things I want to say, but even though I've already said this much, I still am afraid of saying some things... maybe if I talked one on one with someone about it, someone who it probably wouldn't be about... right now I'm thinking KT... James would probably laugh at me and tell me to stop whining... I'm not in the mood for that kind of 100% reality, even though I also agree I should stop whining...