How (Greg) House Stole Slashfest! (mild R)
Title: How (Greg) House Stole Slashfest!
By: daasgrrl
Pairing: Yes
Rating: teeny tiny R
Word count: 1,300
Summary: Every Fan / Down in Slashville / Liked Fan-fic a lot…
Warnings: Crack. In verse.
Disclaimer: House and associated characters are owned by David Shore, Bad Hat Harry Productions, et al. This fic is a line-by-line (and where possible, idea-by-idea) desecration adaptation of Dr Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, which I also lay no claim to. Thankfully.
Special thanks: To evila_elf for the read-through and the Very Special Contribution *huggles*
Notes: Once upon a time, long ago and far away in the XF fandom, I read a charming little fic entitled "Green Eggs and Krycek". Deeply moved by its touching sentiments, I dreamed that one day I, too, would have the opportunity to debase Dr Seuss in the service of fandom. I'm so… proud. I would like to take this opportunity to blame acknowledge mer_duff, and especially, bironic, whose references to House as The Grinch stuck me with the idea that wouldn't die. This was written in mid-October, but I wanted to post at a more seasonal date to coincide with the upcoming hw_fest (which begins December 9th, and which, by the way, really doesn't scan well). Happy Slashfest!
How (Greg) House Stole Slashfest!
Every Fan
Down in Slashville
Liked Fan-fic a lot...
But (Greg) House,
Who lived just North of Slashville,
Did NOT!
House hated Fan-fic!
The whole sorry lot!
Which was clearly unfair. (Some of it was quite hot!)
It could be his heart couldn’t fathom the why.
It could be he just wasn’t that kind of guy.
(But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.)
BUT
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his dick,
Slashfest Eve found him hating both Fans and their Fic,
Staring down from his cave with a Housian frown
At the warm, glowing PC screens lighting the town.
For he knew every Fan down in Slashville below
Was busy now, fretting where commas should go.
"And they're thanking their betas!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Slashfest! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his long fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Slashfest from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Fan boys and girls
Would wake bright and early. Their heads all in whirls!
They’d sit! And they’d post! Oh, they’d Post! Post! Post! Post!
All that Fan-fic he hated! They’d POST! POST! POST! POST!
Then the Fans, young and old, would smile (after the deed).
And they'd read! And they'd read!
And they'd READ! READ! READ! READ!
They would feast on those stories with ravenous greed!
And the thought rendered House very pissed-off indeed.
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Fan down in Slashville, the tall and the small,
Would finish their reading, their senses still reeling.
They'd click through to comments. And then they’d start squealing!
They'd squee! And they'd squee!
And they'd SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE!
And the more that House thought of this Fan-Slashfest-squee
The more that he realized, "It’s all up to me!
"Why for nigh on three years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop this Slashfest from coming!
"...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awesome idea!
GREG HOUSE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWESOME IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" and House laughed in his throat.
And he made a (Bad) David Shore Hat and a coat.
And he snorted, and smirked, "I’m a fabulous faker!
"With this coat and this Hat, I look just like my maker!"
"All I need now’s a lawyer..."
And House looked around.
But since Stacy had left, there were none to be found.
Did that stop him though...?
No! House simply said,
"If I can't find a lawyer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his rat, Steve. Used his cane as a wand!
And Steve stood, besuited, all handsome and blond.
THEN
House forged legal writs,
Stuffed them all up his sleeve.
Then he reached for his helmet,
And beckoned young Steve.
House fired up the bike,
And they both started down,
Toward the homes where the Fans
Dreamed their plans in their town.
All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Fans were all dreaming slash dreams without care,
When House came to the first little home on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Housey Shore hissed,
As he knocked on the door, copyrights in his fist.
No answer. No problem. He was David Shore!
Steve waved a court order and unlocked the door.
The door opened wide in the bright, moonlit night.
And House gave a grin at the wonderful sight
Of all the House characters placed in a row.
"These playthings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he hobbled and heaved, doing what must be done,
First his own effigy, then everyone!
Wilson! And Cuddy! Chase! Look! Coma guy!
He took Foreman! And Cameron! (Though no-one knows why.)
He stuffed them in bags. And then, cool as you’d like,
He threw all the bags, one by one, on his bike!
Then he slunk to the desktop. He took all the Fic!
(Especially those stories obsessed with his dick.)
He cleaned out the folders, the memory, the caches.
He took every one, even those marked ‘All Ages’.
All the Vids, all the Art, even Drabbles must go -
"And NOW!" snickered House, "The definitive blow!"
As he reached for the modem, and started to leave…
When a slender hand clutched at the back of his sleeve.
He turned around fast, and he saw a young Fan!
Little Mary-Sue Fan, who was spoiling his plan!
House found himself stuck with this whiny Fan-brat,
Who'd snuck out of bed for some MSN chat.
She stared at him hard and said, "David Shore, why,
"Why are you taking our DSL? WHY?"
But, you know, that old House was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet jailbait love," the fake David Shore lied,
"There's a light on this thing that won't light on one side.
"I must fix it or there’ll be no Slashfest this year.
"But I know House still loves you. So never you fear."
And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head,
And he bought her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Mary-Sue Fan went to bed, pure of sin,
He went out to the bike and the modem went in!
Then the last thing he took
Was their DVD set!
It would be a Slashfest they’d never forget.
He‘d have these Fans weaned from their Fan-fiction yet!
And the Fic-less computer
He’d left in the place,
Stood forlorn and blank-screened alone in its space.
THEN
He did the same thing
To the other Fans' places!
Leaving nothing
But empty files!
Errors! (And spaces.)
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Fans, still a-bed,
All the Fans, dreaming plans,
When he nodded his head
And drove off with their stories! The hurt/comfort! The dying!
The angst! And the kissing! The sex! And the crying!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Fox,
Where he’d throw down the Fic and it’d smash on the rocks!
"Flim-flam to the Fans!" he was House-ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Slashfest is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"They’ll switch on their screens for a minute or two,
"Then the Fans down in Slashville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," chuckled House,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And then House put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started out low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded cheery!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS cheery! CLEARLY!
He stared down at Slashville!
And House dropped his cane!
Then he shook!
At a sight he just couldn’t explain!
Every Fan down in Slashville, the tall and the small,
Was squeeing! Without any Fan-fic at all!
He HADN'T stopped Slashfest from coming!
IT CAME!
On memories of canon, it came just the same!
And poor House, with his Vicodin lost in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without Fan-fiction! Vidding! Or Art!
"The secret must lie somewhere deep in the heart!"
And he puzzled three hours, `til Steve started to snore.
And then House thought of something he hadn't before…
"Maybe Slashfest," he thought, "has no meaning with one?
"Maybe Slashfest... perhaps... with a friend… might be… fun?"
And what happened then...?
Well... in Slashville they say
That Greg House’s limp dick
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the Fic! Took the Hat off his head!
And he...
... HE HIMSELF...!
Seduced Wilson and took him to bed!
THE END
Seasonal crack by evila_elf. Thanks, sweetie! Please show her love ♥