Failures? I’m a prosecutor. I have many failures. I’ve lost cases, and had killers back on the street. I’ve had killers in jail who were released because of bad evidence or testimony
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The blame isn't entirely yours, Renee. I knew. On some level I knew. I avoided confirming it. I wouldn't look at her picture on your desk, I didn't want to force it. I'd like to say that my only reason was because I didn't want to push you, that I wanted you to tell me on your own, but that's not all of why.
I was scared. Scared of screwing up again the way I have with Abby, scared of ruining another kid's life. And yes scared of us, I told you I bought the ring, but I never told you I'd had it for almost six months. I love you, but I've already screwed up one marriage. I didn't want to fail again. I don't want to be without you or Amanda, but I'm afraid of screwing it all up and I don't mean with booze.
I think if we're going to lay blame about this then we have to be honest. I failed as much as you did. This one, love, we have to share. I'd rather we just call it past, apologize and forgive each other.
I'm sorry, for anything I did that made you feel you couldn't tell me and for letting you carry the guilt all this time knowing at least half of that guilt was mine.
Garret, the blame is mine. Had I just come clean a year and a half ago...maybe things would have been much different.
I don't think that you could screw it up more than I already have, so I wouldn't worry about that. Six months? Why didn't you just...ask? I mean, I probably would have said no, but...at least I would have known where you stood.
No, Garret. This wasn't your failure at all. It was nothing you did that stopped me from telling you. It was this...insane fear that I had. This fear that you would think I'd gotten myself knocked up on purpose to try and...trap you in a relationship that was clearly on the breaking point.
Renee, a year and a half ago, I don't know if I could have heard it with anything approaching a rational response. I was very angry and very hurt. I don't blame you for that, I own it.
As for why I didn't ask, I was afraid and I'm not sure what scared me more. The idea that you would say yes or the idea that you would say no. I think I knew what you would say and I was afraid that it would be what finally pushed us apart so I didn't ask. I just stuck the ring in my desk and thought about it and we drifted further apart.
The hurt and the anger were over us, over the way we were drifting apart. I thought the ring, the proposal would fix that. I know, stupid and completely the wrong way to go about fixing things and then after not seeing you for so long you show up in my office, pregnant.
I can't tell you what I was thinking, the whole thing is a jumble, I...I was furious, relieved, scared, It was confusing to say the least.
I think that's a good place to start, you've got a deal.
I wish you had and I don't mean that as an indictment of you, I mean it sincerely, Renee. I wish I had known so that I could have been there for you, with you. I wish you hadn't gone through it alone, that I could have been there for you to lean on. I won't lie, there is a part of me that is still very angry, that feels very cheated, but mostly I just feel sad that I wasn't there for both of you.
I don't want you to think that that is an attempt to gain any kind of retribution or satisfaction. I'm just trying to be honest about what I'm thinking and feeling so that we can both be clear on where we stand with each other.
((ooc-Garret is really trying to do the whole honest and open communication thing. He's actually trying to work this program, as bad as he hates it.))
I wasn't alone. I mean, not completely. I wanted you there, I just...couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth, and God, I wish I had. I figured you're still angry, and you have every right to be.
Don't worry, Garret, I'm a big girl. I can take anything you lob at me.
Who was there for you? Who did you let in, when you would let me in? Did they know that she was mine when I didn't?
Renee, I don't want to 'lob' anything at you, I don't want to take shots at you or play games. I don't want this to be a competition, I want us to learn to be together without that crap. I want us to be in a relationship, a real, adult relationship.
So do I, Garret. I just think that the arguing is a large part of who we were. I don't know if we have it in us to...not do the same thing all over again.
I know that I can do it differently and I think that you can. It might take us some time and some pain to break the old habits, but I believe in us, Renee, in a way I never have before.
I just don't know if you are going to want the me, I am becoming, because I am not the same man. I'm a lot more like the man Maggie married, a hell of a lot clearer and less hag ridden and a whole hell of a lot more honest with myself.
I'm changing more everyday into some one I used to know, into the man whose eyes I could stand to see in the mirror every morning. I just don't know how you are going to feel about those changes. But as much as I want to be with you Renee, if you can't take who I am now, who I am becoming, we'll just have to find a way to be friends for Amanda's sake, because I'm not going back.
I can't go back to who I was and stay sober and if I crawl back into the bottle again, I don't think I'll be able to crawl out and the next bottom I find will be a slab in my own morgue.
I was scared. Scared of screwing up again the way I have with Abby, scared of ruining another kid's life. And yes scared of us, I told you I bought the ring, but I never told you I'd had it for almost six months. I love you, but I've already screwed up one marriage. I didn't want to fail again. I don't want to be without you or Amanda, but I'm afraid of screwing it all up and I don't mean with booze.
I think if we're going to lay blame about this then we have to be honest. I failed as much as you did. This one, love, we have to share. I'd rather we just call it past, apologize and forgive each other.
I'm sorry, for anything I did that made you feel you couldn't tell me and for letting you carry the guilt all this time knowing at least half of that guilt was mine.
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I don't think that you could screw it up more than I already have, so I wouldn't worry about that. Six months? Why didn't you just...ask? I mean, I probably would have said no, but...at least I would have known where you stood.
No, Garret. This wasn't your failure at all. It was nothing you did that stopped me from telling you. It was this...insane fear that I had. This fear that you would think I'd gotten myself knocked up on purpose to try and...trap you in a relationship that was clearly on the breaking point.
And I'm so sorry for it.
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As for why I didn't ask, I was afraid and I'm not sure what scared me more. The idea that you would say yes or the idea that you would say no. I think I knew what you would say and I was afraid that it would be what finally pushed us apart so I didn't ask. I just stuck the ring in my desk and thought about it and we drifted further apart.
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I'll make you a deal then. No more secrets.
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I can't tell you what I was thinking, the whole thing is a jumble, I...I was furious, relieved, scared, It was confusing to say the least.
I think that's a good place to start, you've got a deal.
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Good.
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I don't want you to think that that is an attempt to gain any kind of retribution or satisfaction. I'm just trying to be honest about what I'm thinking and feeling so that we can both be clear on where we stand with each other.
((ooc-Garret is really trying to do the whole honest and open communication thing. He's actually trying to work this program, as bad as he hates it.))
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Don't worry, Garret, I'm a big girl. I can take anything you lob at me.
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Renee, I don't want to 'lob' anything at you, I don't want to take shots at you or play games. I don't want this to be a competition, I want us to learn to be together without that crap. I want us to be in a relationship, a real, adult relationship.
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I just don't know if you are going to want the me, I am becoming, because I am not the same man. I'm a lot more like the man Maggie married, a hell of a lot clearer and less hag ridden and a whole hell of a lot more honest with myself.
I'm changing more everyday into some one I used to know, into the man whose eyes I could stand to see in the mirror every morning. I just don't know how you are going to feel about those changes. But as much as I want to be with you Renee, if you can't take who I am now, who I am becoming, we'll just have to find a way to be friends for Amanda's sake, because I'm not going back.
I can't go back to who I was and stay sober and if I crawl back into the bottle again, I don't think I'll be able to crawl out and the next bottom I find will be a slab in my own morgue.
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Let's wait until you come home before worrying about that?
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