At first I did not understand, and when I did, the truth terrified me.
I'm not really sure where to begin, I just know that I need to say a lot of things and nothing to say at the same time. Neither Kel and I are able to sleep right now and I don't really know why. Well, I do know why I can't sleep *wink wink* but I'm not going to say it here.
I seem to have this person on my mind all the time. I don't want to and I've told myself that I will not fall into that trap again, but I can't help it. I just think about him all the time. I've tried to stop thinking about him, but it only makes me think of him even more. I don't want to fall again. I don't want to hurt again. It makes no sense to say that I want no one and someone at the same time. I don't want to be in love, but I do. Sometimes, I think that love doesn't exist but there are times, that I think that maybe, just maybe one day I will wake up and next to me will be him; he will look at me and smile and I'll know that everything will be alright. We won't even have to speak a word, we will just know. I try not to think like that, honestly I do. Its just not me to be all lovey-dovey like that, but I can't help it lately. I don't think things like that. I'm cold and removed. I don't believe in love. I don't love.
Yet, at the same time, love has found me. Not from a guy, but from the girls. Kel and Ash are always there for me. They listen to me whine and complain. They listen to me when I'm down on myself and they listen to me when I'm rambling on and on during late nights like this (you know what I'm talking about Kel, lol). I know that the love that I have found with these girls is a grand love. For so many years, I cut myself off from people. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, be around anyone, but they have helped me through that. Yeah, I'm still unsure of myself, but slowly I am realizing that I am worth something. Of course, I still have my doubts, but I don't think that is something that will ever go away. Deep inside I know that I do not need love from a guy for validation, but now I'm beginning to wonder if its such a bad thing to open you're heart to someone and allow yourself to be loved? I guess that's an answer that I will have to find out in due time, at least I hope I can find the answer.
I seem to have this person on my mind all the time. I don't want to and I've told myself that I will not fall into that trap again, but I can't help it. I just think about him all the time. I've tried to stop thinking about him, but it only makes me think of him even more. I don't want to fall again. I don't want to hurt again. It makes no sense to say that I want no one and someone at the same time. I don't want to be in love, but I do. Sometimes, I think that love doesn't exist but there are times, that I think that maybe, just maybe one day I will wake up and next to me will be him; he will look at me and smile and I'll know that everything will be alright. We won't even have to speak a word, we will just know. I try not to think like that, honestly I do. Its just not me to be all lovey-dovey like that, but I can't help it lately. I don't think things like that. I'm cold and removed. I don't believe in love. I don't love.
Yet, at the same time, love has found me. Not from a guy, but from the girls. Kel and Ash are always there for me. They listen to me whine and complain. They listen to me when I'm down on myself and they listen to me when I'm rambling on and on during late nights like this (you know what I'm talking about Kel, lol). I know that the love that I have found with these girls is a grand love. For so many years, I cut myself off from people. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, be around anyone, but they have helped me through that. Yeah, I'm still unsure of myself, but slowly I am realizing that I am worth something. Of course, I still have my doubts, but I don't think that is something that will ever go away. Deep inside I know that I do not need love from a guy for validation, but now I'm beginning to wonder if its such a bad thing to open you're heart to someone and allow yourself to be loved? I guess that's an answer that I will have to find out in due time, at least I hope I can find the answer.