Fading Away
I am SO tired of feeling ninspired. All I used to want to do was create. Bake, cook, stir-fry, anything you wanted or I felt inspired to make, I would make. But now I don't even care. Things that used to hold my interest are boring. This sounds twisted, but I keep hanging ot with people so that I don't have to be by myself because I am tired of being depressed and being with people masks it. At the same time I DON'T want to hang out with people because this wall goes up in my mind, and I suddenly just want to be by myself.
Sometimes I just sound bitchy. Why do I feel like crap right now when everything is going great. I mean, I got my laptop back, I got my car paid off and fixed, my license, AND I start my job wednesday. Things are awesome right now but I feel like I am shutting down emotionally or something. I just don't know wtf my problem is. My aunt says its depression, and I thought for awhile that it was. Now I am not so sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, having bouts of depression or something like that happens. It "part of being a teenager". I am sick of hearing that. Yes, in teens it tends to be normal, and the fact that I have struggled with being gay doesn't help. But whatever is wrong with my isnt depression. I think it is jst.... Me. Maybe I am just a dependent person, physically, emotionally, financially, etc. It would make sense. I have always had troble expressing emotions and opening up to people and I think its becoming more evident the older I get. I am just not one to get close with a lot of people. Cautious I would say.
Other than this bout on my emotional state, nothing is going on. I got a new job so I can pay for the gas in my car. Two reasons. One: I wanted to be able to pay for my own gas. I hate having to ask my grandparents for anything and I want to be able to take of myself and my stuff. Two: If I pay for the gas I can be out of the house more often and can have my own life. School starts. Blech. Not a single cooking class this year. Oh, well. I DID get into psychology/sociology, though, and I am glad. People have always fascinated me, so the course should be fun. I will hopefully get back on in a few days. I feel so uninspired right now. =( Not cool.