(no subject)
i have so many saved post.
that i have started and not felt like finishing.
updates about portland gay pride humor.
celesbians (leisha from the l-word, carrie from- sleater kinney, beth ditto) o god i live in portland.
and its funny meeting and dancing next to celesbians and not feelin like i should feel awkward or whatever.
cause we are all dancing all gay and just wantin to be with our own ya know?!
i have felt very ungrounded lately. and i'm wondering if this is my lesson. cause ya know normally i have to map every little action out. while still making sure i give the vibe of chill.
yes i have to actively work at just goin with the flow and not trying to control everything!
o capricorn control!
its like that time in 12th grade.
where i had the freedom of my mini-van and no curfew.
so i followed the lead of my free flowing spirit friend and we just drove.
me pushing back the voice in my head saying, "do i need to get a full tank of gas in case..." or when we just parked at that random fishing dock with the grassy marsh and pelicans bathing. we opened up my trunk and let my big boom box with batteries blare Iggy Pop. and just danced. the rain came and we just danced. and i actively had to work at letting go. not being afraid someone would call the cops or think about the wet car seats that would follow. cause i would just glance over at my friend, Trace and his arms would be flailing in the air and screaming/feeling the words. and i thought... i can do this.
so i can do this. i can figure out my balance of control and self love security. finding the ground manageable even if it feels really mushy/unsettled/new cause in the end... its still there and i'm havin good times crossing new friendships, challenges in my job, ideas about spirits, happiness, family connections, what to give and what to ask for, judging someone's true character, directness, settin up my alter w/ more magic and love, and finding the ocean in oregon more and more!!
i can do this.
p.s. i got a raise and an iphone. i make more than my mom and i feel real funny.
i remember one night in my teenage years watching my mom sleep. we were staying at my granny's house and it had been such a long time since i had slept in the same room with my mom. i use to have to share a room/bed with my mom, but with a stepdad came a new shared bed w/ my sister.
so after years of not hearing my mom snore and move in her sleep here i was. and i just watched her. she tossed and turned and made dreamy noises. she was in movement in her dreams and i thought, "what does she dream about.. has she reached her dreams? was this it? am i somewhere in there? and what will my dreams look like when i'm 40?" and so i of course am in a different boat at 25 working in social services, where i get to drink beer with my clients at our annual camping trip. and my dreams usually consist of dirty queer sex or nightmares about toilets overflowing or spirits claiming my body.
but maybe our dreams are similar in some way?
that i have started and not felt like finishing.
updates about portland gay pride humor.
celesbians (leisha from the l-word, carrie from- sleater kinney, beth ditto) o god i live in portland.
and its funny meeting and dancing next to celesbians and not feelin like i should feel awkward or whatever.
cause we are all dancing all gay and just wantin to be with our own ya know?!
i have felt very ungrounded lately. and i'm wondering if this is my lesson. cause ya know normally i have to map every little action out. while still making sure i give the vibe of chill.
yes i have to actively work at just goin with the flow and not trying to control everything!
o capricorn control!
its like that time in 12th grade.
where i had the freedom of my mini-van and no curfew.
so i followed the lead of my free flowing spirit friend and we just drove.
me pushing back the voice in my head saying, "do i need to get a full tank of gas in case..." or when we just parked at that random fishing dock with the grassy marsh and pelicans bathing. we opened up my trunk and let my big boom box with batteries blare Iggy Pop. and just danced. the rain came and we just danced. and i actively had to work at letting go. not being afraid someone would call the cops or think about the wet car seats that would follow. cause i would just glance over at my friend, Trace and his arms would be flailing in the air and screaming/feeling the words. and i thought... i can do this.
so i can do this. i can figure out my balance of control and self love security. finding the ground manageable even if it feels really mushy/unsettled/new cause in the end... its still there and i'm havin good times crossing new friendships, challenges in my job, ideas about spirits, happiness, family connections, what to give and what to ask for, judging someone's true character, directness, settin up my alter w/ more magic and love, and finding the ocean in oregon more and more!!
i can do this.
p.s. i got a raise and an iphone. i make more than my mom and i feel real funny.
i remember one night in my teenage years watching my mom sleep. we were staying at my granny's house and it had been such a long time since i had slept in the same room with my mom. i use to have to share a room/bed with my mom, but with a stepdad came a new shared bed w/ my sister.
so after years of not hearing my mom snore and move in her sleep here i was. and i just watched her. she tossed and turned and made dreamy noises. she was in movement in her dreams and i thought, "what does she dream about.. has she reached her dreams? was this it? am i somewhere in there? and what will my dreams look like when i'm 40?" and so i of course am in a different boat at 25 working in social services, where i get to drink beer with my clients at our annual camping trip. and my dreams usually consist of dirty queer sex or nightmares about toilets overflowing or spirits claiming my body.
but maybe our dreams are similar in some way?