There are days I love my family.
And there are times, like today, where I want to invert their faces so fucking hard they can taste their own feces. }:$
Here I am, busting my ass around to bounce back from my car accident, asking them for help when I really need it, and what do they do? They leverage me into shrinking my hair little-kid short. It's always the fucking hair with them. And while they insist it'll help me across the board, I've already spent 13 of the past 15 years proving that's just not true. It doesn't help me at all, and you know why? Because looking like I'm 13 again is fucking HUMILIATING. Uggh. It makes me want to crawl into a box for 4-5 months again, not leaving to do anything. I don't even want to make ACCIDENTAL impressions on anybody looking like this, let alone INTENTIONAL ones.
Okay. I grew up around a lot of 80s/90s rock influence. Now, granted I skipped out on the bothersome parts like making it my life's goal to get as drunk/high as possible without dying and partying all of the time (and anyone who's like THAT is a colossal loser who fails at life to me); there are the other parts of the "awesome" concept that really resonate with me. Maybe part of it IS the hair, because when it's awesome, it helps me feel that way about myself. It's an impression I KNOW I'm giving, because I've done so rather successfully the past year or two. On a pretty consistent basis.
Having my hair chopped way shorter makes me feel like some superconformified dweeb. Because it was rather enforced as a kid, and it takes me right back to those times, like THAT'S the impression it's gonna give, regardless of what I do. And don't get me wrong, I accomplished some wicked impressive stuff as a kid, not that any of it actually matters. But to be totally honest - throughout my ENTIRE school age, I HATED every fucking day of my life, and nearly everything about it. And "this" just makes me feel STUCK THERE again. It's like "everything I spent the past 10 years of my life undoing." And a written invitation to reexperience the cycle of losing that it once and always was.
I mean... how the hell do you make a "good impression" of "a self" that I fucking HATE BEING JUDGED AS?! Fuck, even the BEST potential outcome is someone old-fashioned-minded that'll want me to NOT get my hair "awesomized" again, and then it becomes a struggle with THEM TOO.
Also, to put another piece of the puzzle in perspective, my parents -and- my brother are biker punks inked from their toes to their nose, and nobody's complaining about them (I'm not either). Who the fuck are THEY to judge ME on standards of non-conformity? The grandmas I can give a pass to, because they're naturally old-fashioned, and they don't think women or their mentality have changed since their time (40s/50s) AT ALL (or you know... they're all troublesome, firestarting sluts). But at least they live it, too. They just... somehow miss that the ENTIRE POINT of how looking/feeling "MODERN" and cool is the complete antithesis of that.
(tangent) But you see? This is the kind of shit that happens when a man gets caught in a moment of weakness and need. It's why they never really get there, and why they're sure as fuck not telling you if they ever are. (/tangent)
It's also an effective reminder of why I chose to put some fucking distance between my relatives and I. Which I will probably be redoing again rather soon.
It's just fucking hair, self. It's just fucking hair. It'll all come back.
Here I am, busting my ass around to bounce back from my car accident, asking them for help when I really need it, and what do they do? They leverage me into shrinking my hair little-kid short. It's always the fucking hair with them. And while they insist it'll help me across the board, I've already spent 13 of the past 15 years proving that's just not true. It doesn't help me at all, and you know why? Because looking like I'm 13 again is fucking HUMILIATING. Uggh. It makes me want to crawl into a box for 4-5 months again, not leaving to do anything. I don't even want to make ACCIDENTAL impressions on anybody looking like this, let alone INTENTIONAL ones.
Okay. I grew up around a lot of 80s/90s rock influence. Now, granted I skipped out on the bothersome parts like making it my life's goal to get as drunk/high as possible without dying and partying all of the time (and anyone who's like THAT is a colossal loser who fails at life to me); there are the other parts of the "awesome" concept that really resonate with me. Maybe part of it IS the hair, because when it's awesome, it helps me feel that way about myself. It's an impression I KNOW I'm giving, because I've done so rather successfully the past year or two. On a pretty consistent basis.
Having my hair chopped way shorter makes me feel like some superconformified dweeb. Because it was rather enforced as a kid, and it takes me right back to those times, like THAT'S the impression it's gonna give, regardless of what I do. And don't get me wrong, I accomplished some wicked impressive stuff as a kid, not that any of it actually matters. But to be totally honest - throughout my ENTIRE school age, I HATED every fucking day of my life, and nearly everything about it. And "this" just makes me feel STUCK THERE again. It's like "everything I spent the past 10 years of my life undoing." And a written invitation to reexperience the cycle of losing that it once and always was.
I mean... how the hell do you make a "good impression" of "a self" that I fucking HATE BEING JUDGED AS?! Fuck, even the BEST potential outcome is someone old-fashioned-minded that'll want me to NOT get my hair "awesomized" again, and then it becomes a struggle with THEM TOO.
Also, to put another piece of the puzzle in perspective, my parents -and- my brother are biker punks inked from their toes to their nose, and nobody's complaining about them (I'm not either). Who the fuck are THEY to judge ME on standards of non-conformity? The grandmas I can give a pass to, because they're naturally old-fashioned, and they don't think women or their mentality have changed since their time (40s/50s) AT ALL (or you know... they're all troublesome, firestarting sluts). But at least they live it, too. They just... somehow miss that the ENTIRE POINT of how looking/feeling "MODERN" and cool is the complete antithesis of that.
(tangent) But you see? This is the kind of shit that happens when a man gets caught in a moment of weakness and need. It's why they never really get there, and why they're sure as fuck not telling you if they ever are. (/tangent)
It's also an effective reminder of why I chose to put some fucking distance between my relatives and I. Which I will probably be redoing again rather soon.
It's just fucking hair, self. It's just fucking hair. It'll all come back.