Dear Central Nervous System,
CHILL THE FUCKING FUCK OUT, ALREADY!!
Finally rested and recovered after being shaken up, and able to put things back in a proper perspective now. "Little kid me" kinda took over for a bit after my car wreck, putting me back into this warped mindset of "me against the world." Being a tough kid was tough, and there often were moments where it really was just me against everything out there, and... well, I'm surprised that part of my mentality is even still alive some days. It totally took me by surprise, there.
But more to the "now"... the car wreck is still relatively minor compared to other wrecks I've seen, and it's not unfixable. This is the first time in ever I've been significantly past due on my rent, and after that badly timed wreck and while doing the distracting insurance provider tango at that.
There is a DOWNSIDE to having a super-active mind, and one of those downsides is cyclical thinking and processing. To totally level with you here, I've had to reboot my life about FIVE TIMES already, from square one. None of those times have killed me, but they have been understandably... discomforting. Something I'm just tired of having to deal with. Car going bad to the point of not starting and running, and falling behind financially has been a consistent, formulaic ingredient to my life crashing and burning.
I'm not gonna lie here. I've spent the ENTIRE LAST WEEK TERRIFIED that this was already happening and inevitable, and that there would be nothing I or anyone can do at this point to stop it. Feeling mostly "I," in this case; because again - "little kid me" popped into my brains with that "me against the everything" mentality.
Last night... this morning... whenever... the awareness of this hit me. It is such a gigantic eye-opener. It is quite possibly the biggest thing weighing me down in life, now. And the truth is SO DIFFERENT. My friends are not like that now. My family is not like that now. Even my property manager is not like that, she's wicked qwesome and we've had a great professional relationship! MY LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!
This is not some ridiculous, impending-end-of-everything disaster that pits me, alone, against financial gravity in a struggle of futile hopelessness, and I feel really stupid for sticking myself in that headspace for the entire week. No. It's a minor, fixable car accident, and just the natural running-behind that occurs when something like that happens to us all. Maybe some minor stalemating on the transportational front, but nothing I haven't already overcome - REPEATEDLY - in the last half of my life already.
There is nothing here that I'm not prepared - on some level or another - to deal with. And I'm anything but alone now. There's been somebody-or-another present in my life EVERY DAY for the past YEAR now. Why the hell would I think I'm alone in this?
First thing's first, a nice warm shower. Then, to get the qwesometrain back on it's tracks.
Finally rested and recovered after being shaken up, and able to put things back in a proper perspective now. "Little kid me" kinda took over for a bit after my car wreck, putting me back into this warped mindset of "me against the world." Being a tough kid was tough, and there often were moments where it really was just me against everything out there, and... well, I'm surprised that part of my mentality is even still alive some days. It totally took me by surprise, there.
But more to the "now"... the car wreck is still relatively minor compared to other wrecks I've seen, and it's not unfixable. This is the first time in ever I've been significantly past due on my rent, and after that badly timed wreck and while doing the distracting insurance provider tango at that.
There is a DOWNSIDE to having a super-active mind, and one of those downsides is cyclical thinking and processing. To totally level with you here, I've had to reboot my life about FIVE TIMES already, from square one. None of those times have killed me, but they have been understandably... discomforting. Something I'm just tired of having to deal with. Car going bad to the point of not starting and running, and falling behind financially has been a consistent, formulaic ingredient to my life crashing and burning.
I'm not gonna lie here. I've spent the ENTIRE LAST WEEK TERRIFIED that this was already happening and inevitable, and that there would be nothing I or anyone can do at this point to stop it. Feeling mostly "I," in this case; because again - "little kid me" popped into my brains with that "me against the everything" mentality.
Last night... this morning... whenever... the awareness of this hit me. It is such a gigantic eye-opener. It is quite possibly the biggest thing weighing me down in life, now. And the truth is SO DIFFERENT. My friends are not like that now. My family is not like that now. Even my property manager is not like that, she's wicked qwesome and we've had a great professional relationship! MY LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!
This is not some ridiculous, impending-end-of-everything disaster that pits me, alone, against financial gravity in a struggle of futile hopelessness, and I feel really stupid for sticking myself in that headspace for the entire week. No. It's a minor, fixable car accident, and just the natural running-behind that occurs when something like that happens to us all. Maybe some minor stalemating on the transportational front, but nothing I haven't already overcome - REPEATEDLY - in the last half of my life already.
There is nothing here that I'm not prepared - on some level or another - to deal with. And I'm anything but alone now. There's been somebody-or-another present in my life EVERY DAY for the past YEAR now. Why the hell would I think I'm alone in this?
First thing's first, a nice warm shower. Then, to get the qwesometrain back on it's tracks.