Small victories...
It's always important to have a number of them going on in life. They're something to hang onto, something to keep going on. But they only go so far. Every now and then you just need a major, epic win in life.
And I'm about at that point, right now.
I've seen it happen a number of times already. Enough to know what's happening. Car trouble, check. Computer trouble, check. Mysterious strangers in need, check. Dwindling time and resources, in the bag. Yep! It's just about make-or-break time.
FUCK, I hate make-or-break time. It only checks in once every 2-3 years or so, but the last oh... half of my life; they've never turned out well. EVER. Not even once. Last time I ended up spending half a year offline, totally isolated, and living in 1972. Time before that I lost a grip of really positive relatives. There was the dickwrecking breakup with Wigglebutt. And before that, a year of homelessness with all of my possessions taken out of my reach.
And every one of them was crippling. It basically ALWAYS resulted in restarting my life from scratch, after watching it burn to the ground in front of me. It's disgusting. Demoralizing. To put years of concentrated time, effort, and practically superhuman levels of patience and persistence into making a life I love, just to see how easily (and instantly!) it's wiped out.
It's already started, although fortunately so far, I still have a car and a mostly-functional computer at this point. (Guess that's still looking better than average so far...) Business is taking far too long to launch, and I've exhausted my UI. Doesn't help that right when seeking funding for the business, ACT springs right up out of oblivion with the supposedly-closed student loan account that's miraculously revitalized. Right now, only one of my parents is working, along with my brother who still owes $3000 on a wrecked, nonfunctional car (not his fault either). And professional options have yet to respond to my applications. You know, the 15 months' worth of them so far.
Maybe my problem is that I don't know when to give up. It's not a skill I've actually needed very often, to be honest; so I'm not really well-practiced at it. Heck, I don't even think it IS an option at all, just some fleeting fantasy. Some type of "right thing to do." I REALLY don't believe in the concept of helplessness, but damned if it isn't exactly how I'm feeling right now. It would be SO GREAT if there was just a definitive "right thing" to just decide and do. But unfortunately, the circumstances of that very decision (IE: make some substantial cash) appear to exist outside of my immediate influence.
Doesn't help that many of the people I AM helping in life right now doesn't seem to have much or any of that to begin with either, hence WHY they need me.
On the other hand, it's not like you can just wake up and go "how exactly do I prepare for my life burning to the ground for the fifth time (or was it sixth now?); whether to make it EASIER to recover, or just less damaging to myself when... I mean "if" ...it does?
I mean, it's only stuff and money. Maybe shelter, too. It's not like it'll be the ACTUAL death of me or anything. It's not even anything as bad as physical trauma or disability, it's stuff that absolutely CAN be recovered. (...again?!) But I'd rather not lose what all I've worked so hard and long creating in the first place.
A shame I don't really see anybody to "pass the ball" to, either...
Maybe I should have more faith in the potential randomly-good outcome. (Or a better way of steering in that direction?) Plenty of stuff has gone off the tracks and landed smoothly before. Often to surprisingly delightful results, and I hope that such is the case here!
But what IS one to actually DO?
And I'm about at that point, right now.
I've seen it happen a number of times already. Enough to know what's happening. Car trouble, check. Computer trouble, check. Mysterious strangers in need, check. Dwindling time and resources, in the bag. Yep! It's just about make-or-break time.
FUCK, I hate make-or-break time. It only checks in once every 2-3 years or so, but the last oh... half of my life; they've never turned out well. EVER. Not even once. Last time I ended up spending half a year offline, totally isolated, and living in 1972. Time before that I lost a grip of really positive relatives. There was the dickwrecking breakup with Wigglebutt. And before that, a year of homelessness with all of my possessions taken out of my reach.
And every one of them was crippling. It basically ALWAYS resulted in restarting my life from scratch, after watching it burn to the ground in front of me. It's disgusting. Demoralizing. To put years of concentrated time, effort, and practically superhuman levels of patience and persistence into making a life I love, just to see how easily (and instantly!) it's wiped out.
It's already started, although fortunately so far, I still have a car and a mostly-functional computer at this point. (Guess that's still looking better than average so far...) Business is taking far too long to launch, and I've exhausted my UI. Doesn't help that right when seeking funding for the business, ACT springs right up out of oblivion with the supposedly-closed student loan account that's miraculously revitalized. Right now, only one of my parents is working, along with my brother who still owes $3000 on a wrecked, nonfunctional car (not his fault either). And professional options have yet to respond to my applications. You know, the 15 months' worth of them so far.
Maybe my problem is that I don't know when to give up. It's not a skill I've actually needed very often, to be honest; so I'm not really well-practiced at it. Heck, I don't even think it IS an option at all, just some fleeting fantasy. Some type of "right thing to do." I REALLY don't believe in the concept of helplessness, but damned if it isn't exactly how I'm feeling right now. It would be SO GREAT if there was just a definitive "right thing" to just decide and do. But unfortunately, the circumstances of that very decision (IE: make some substantial cash) appear to exist outside of my immediate influence.
Doesn't help that many of the people I AM helping in life right now doesn't seem to have much or any of that to begin with either, hence WHY they need me.
On the other hand, it's not like you can just wake up and go "how exactly do I prepare for my life burning to the ground for the fifth time (or was it sixth now?); whether to make it EASIER to recover, or just less damaging to myself when... I mean "if" ...it does?
I mean, it's only stuff and money. Maybe shelter, too. It's not like it'll be the ACTUAL death of me or anything. It's not even anything as bad as physical trauma or disability, it's stuff that absolutely CAN be recovered. (...again?!) But I'd rather not lose what all I've worked so hard and long creating in the first place.
A shame I don't really see anybody to "pass the ball" to, either...
Maybe I should have more faith in the potential randomly-good outcome. (Or a better way of steering in that direction?) Plenty of stuff has gone off the tracks and landed smoothly before. Often to surprisingly delightful results, and I hope that such is the case here!
But what IS one to actually DO?